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Original poster

To be slightly hurt over this...dog and PIL issue

142 replies

turtlepoop · 19/02/2019 13:33

So it's FIL's birthday soon and it's a big one. PIL are hosting a big party in their house for the family.

The only children in the family are ours and BIL's DS who will be 7 months at the time.

PIL have a dog that is IMO aggressive, despite what they think. I really like dogs and I'm fine with my dc being near them, living where we do they need to be relaxed around dogs...but not this particular dog. I've first hand witnessed him try to bite a child in a pub garden, with his hackles up. Was bloody awful and the poor child looked traumatised. Luckily dog couldn't reach the child so didn't actually touch the child. He's not trained and totally out of control, but he's a Labrador so apparently can't possibly be aggressive. Hmm

Anyway we've been told we need to make alternative Childcare arrangements for the event because we have an issue with dc being near the dog and they want the dog there. Except we don't have anyone we can ask, my parents are on holiday at the time and nursery isn't open on a Sunday!!

Obviously I'm never going to compromise the dcs safety but also feel like they're being difficult for the sake of it and thought they'd want the dc to be part of the big event. They pay a dog minder to take the dog for long haul holidays all year round. 5 in the last year in fact, but apparently it's imperative the "fur baby" stays with them this time.

It makes us look even worse because BIL is staying from overseas and is staying at their house with his DS. He hasn't seen the dog around children and is taking MIL's word. I have a funny feeling he'll be requesting to stay with us after a few days.

OP posts:
diddl · 19/02/2019 15:23

" but it feels like they're cornering us into bringing our dc. "

So you think that if you decline they'll say that they'd rather you all go than none of you?

coconutpie · 19/02/2019 15:24

You need to warn BIL again re the dog and the dog is too dangerous. BIL probably thinks you're being OTT if he's just taking his mother's word for it. Can your DH warn BIL about the dog?

Oh and I wouldn't go and I also would not feel guilty about not doing so. They are prioritising a dog over your DC so you know where your family stands in the pecking order. I'd therefore treat them similarly and just keep contact low.

Nesssie · 19/02/2019 15:27

mrsm43s speaks sense.

Original poster
turtlepoop · 19/02/2019 15:28

but I would never tell someone they couldn't have their own dog at their own house and needed to book a dog sitter I haven't done this Confused

I'm inclined to think I could adequately supervise my children if both DH and I were present I'm not a fan of playing Russian roulette with my children

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/02/2019 15:30

MIL thinks he lashed out in fear....which is exactly why my unpredictable toddlers shouldn't be anywhere near him.

Exactly right!

You cannot always predict what might trigger an anxious dog.

Becles · 19/02/2019 15:33

Www.sitters.co.uk

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/02/2019 15:35

I'm not a fan of playing Russian roulette with my children

You are quite right.

In a busy house, with over-excited children running about, it would be very easy for a nervous dog to feel threatened - and young children can't be trusted to leave a dog alone. They may unwittingly tease or otherwise upset him.

Your BIL's child is just a baby, so is not going to be on the floor, but that doesn't mean that the dog would not lunge if it perceives a threat of some sort. (Or if your PiLs are cuddling the baby and the dog gets jealous.) However, as long as he and his DW are careful, there shouldn't be a problem.

Doubletrouble99 · 19/02/2019 15:35

We have a small dog - a standard Yorkie and I'm thinking about arranging a party for our 30th wedding Anniversary. There is no way I would have the dog at home. He would get far too exited and jump on everyone as the come in, he would grab all the nibbles off the coffee tables and nick food from people's plates the minute they put it down.
If we shut him in a different part of the house he would just bark and bark so completely useless.

We love our wee dog to bits but there is just no way he is party friendly!

AliceLiddel · 19/02/2019 15:40

If they are being as adamant about the dog attending as you say then it sounds like they just dont want you to attend OP. They know you wont attend if the dogs there, so have made their stance clear. I would respect that, politely decline and see FIL for afternoon tea at a hotel instead later that week.

Readysteadygoat · 19/02/2019 15:41

At 7 months old babies are often sitting and beginning to crawl so there's no reason to think he won't be on the floor, at dog height

Piffle11 · 19/02/2019 15:47

They would rather have their dog there than their DGC … you've been 'told' to make childcare arrangements. I wouldn't bother and I wouldn't be going. If DH wants to go, let him. Of course it's up to them who they have at their party and how they want to proceed, but as a result you have the option of declining. One of my DC has severe ASC and for one large family occasion MIL suggested I 'pay someone to take him away for the day' … he was 3 and a half. I've never forgiven her for that.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/02/2019 15:52

So let them hope you'll cave. Looks to me as if they may learn a very valuable lesson if you stick to your guns. And as far as them keeping on at you, just (or better yet, your DH) keep repeating "We've already explained why we're not coming" and change the subject no matter how often they bring it up. They may think they'll wear you down, but just remember that it takes millennia for a drip of water to wear away a stone. And I'm sure the party's not that far off.

You say you've told your BiL about the dog. You can do no more. Other than perhaps putting fresh sheets on the guest bed and making room for a porta-crib.

mrsm43s · 19/02/2019 15:53

I'm not a fan of playing Russian roulette with my children

Is it really though? This is a dog who has never actually bitten anyone, and there are two parents to supervise the children, plus a whole load of other adults present. Just keep your children out of the room that the dog is currently in, and well away from him. Not really "Russian Roulette", just taking sensible precautions.

Or book a babysitter. Or don't go. It's your choice.

But its perfectly reasonable for ILs to not want to send away a dog who has no history of biting anyone, and to say that if you don't like your children in the same house as it, that you have to find a solution to that - i.e. a babysitter.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 19/02/2019 16:01

Just be as polite but firm as you can be OP and don't be drawn into any kind of discussion.They have stated their position and they aren;t for moving so you just cannot go.I think they are being pedantic,Let them go ahead and prove their point see how far it gets them...You just decline the invite its not worth the risk....

Weirdlookingbricks · 19/02/2019 16:02

It's simple really. They want you to get childcare. You can't so you can't go. They might go on about it but just keep saying you can't get childcare. Don't be drawn in to the whys and wherefores, just keep saying we can't get childcare and move on to a different topic. Don't get dragged into discussion.
If they want DH to go while you stay home with the kids, can you do that?

slipperywhensparticus · 19/02/2019 16:05

Mom had a dog we thought she wouldn't like parties so we shut her upstairs she got loose and joined us outside we tried to shoo her in but she jumped over the (lit) barbecue ran up to people and having a whale of a time she was an anxious dog but clearly loved a party

Her latest dog needs to be crated he will nip and growl and snap if he gets wound up so he is crated and why wouldn't he be its for his benefit as much as everyone else 🤷‍♀️

Laiste · 19/02/2019 16:06

Spending the day watching the dog and hoiking your toddler around different rooms to avoid it? Really? That's a simple solution? Hmm Right.

Miserable way to spend the day and a recipe for disaster. Who on earth would take the chance of their toddler getting bitten and spend the day avoiding a dog wandering around the house for the sake of the feelings of people who have put the bloody dog before the comfort of their own family? Not the OP, not me and not the majority of the posters here.

Butterymuffin · 19/02/2019 16:10

Shame they're being so pig headed as the dog will have a miserable time anyway. Dogs are not generally party friendly as a pp said. Don't go.

blueskiesovertheforest · 19/02/2019 16:11

YANBU - DH should go alone to calmly field questions about why the children aren't there, and to warn bil and keep an eye out.

My mother puts my sister's dog before my children even after it bit my youngest. The dog doesn't even live with my mother but has to be allowed to accompany my sister (who lives locally to my mother) to my mother's house at all times off lead apparently. We travelled hundreds of miles to visit my mother and had to eat lunch in the garden in the rain under an awning because the dog had been given run of the house. Madness. Shows you people in a new light though.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/02/2019 16:11

At 7 months old babies are often sitting and beginning to crawl so there's no reason to think he won't be on the floor, at dog height

Good point

Just keep your children out of the room that the dog is currently in, and well away from him.

Good luck with that if there is a lot going on.

brassbrass · 19/02/2019 16:17

This would really make me dig my heels in. There's no attempt to mediate a workable solution they've pretty much come at you on the offense by asking you to arrange childcare. They're making a petty point. I wouldn't want to celebrate anything with people like this.

Laiste · 19/02/2019 16:27

Does anyone remember that thread years a while ago about a poster who's SIL had a pair of snappy dogs (i think) which always had to attend family parties? Big hoo har over who was going to attend a child's birthday party and who wasn't because she wouldn't leave the dogs at home for an afternoon.

Italiangreyhound · 19/02/2019 16:28

Grand parents who put their dog being present at a party (as if the dog will know what the hoo har is about!) are idiots. Your dh can go and you can have a nice time elsewhere with the dcs, YADNBU.

Laiste · 19/02/2019 16:30

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2591914-sil-and-dogs

Here it is! The poster's DHs sister and her fur babies.

AuchAyeTheNo · 19/02/2019 16:30

For everyone who is saying they wouldn’t sacrifice your dog for other people at parties... would you say the same if your dog was aggressive?

I was brought up with dogs of different breeds and so currently are my children but I’m still not that daft to arrange that type of situation. Even the most loving soft dog can turn on someone.

OP my MIL is the same! She has a collie cross who is a nightmare and I refuse to let it near my children. It growls at them walking past and MIL never tells it off or puts it away.

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