To be slightly hurt over this...dog and PIL issue

[turtlepoop]

So it's FIL's birthday soon and it's a big one. PIL are hosting a big party in their house for the family.

The only children in the family are ours and BIL's DS who will be 7 months at the time.

PIL have a dog that is IMO aggressive, despite what they think. I really like dogs and I'm fine with my dc being near them, living where we do they need to be relaxed around dogs...but not this particular dog. I've first hand witnessed him try to bite a child in a pub garden, with his hackles up. Was bloody awful and the poor child looked traumatised. Luckily dog couldn't reach the child so didn't actually touch the child. He's not trained and totally out of control, but he's a Labrador so apparently can't possibly be aggressive.

Anyway we've been told we need to make alternative Childcare arrangements for the event because we have an issue with dc being near the dog and they want the dog there. Except we don't have anyone we can ask, my parents are on holiday at the time and nursery isn't open on a Sunday!!

Obviously I'm never going to compromise the dcs safety but also feel like they're being difficult for the sake of it and thought they'd want the dc to be part of the big event. They pay a dog minder to take the dog for long haul holidays all year round. 5 in the last year in fact, but apparently it's imperative the "fur baby" stays with them this time.

It makes us look even worse because BIL is staying from overseas and is staying at their house with his DS. He hasn't seen the dog around children and is taking MIL's word. I have a funny feeling he'll be requesting to stay with us after a few days.

I totally get why you are worried and I would not put children in harm's way by a dangerous dog. I would apologise for my absence due to childcare issues and stay home and have DH attend by himself.

However, I was just wondering if you misinterpreted what you saw. Just can't understand how you can say the dog tried to bite a child but luckily the dog couldn't reach the child. Can you clarify?

*Sorry the first bit of my post is a bit confusing. I meant PIL are being ridiculous and you should say you won't be coming as part of your family is not invited.

PIL have 3 DC. The one lives in Australia and has been back to the UK once in over 30 years. It was one Christmas, and we offered to host everyone. PIL refused to come, unless their dog came too.

Older people sometimes seem to have warped priorities as far as dogs are concerned!

I would NEVER sacrifice my dog for anyone

I don't think OP is asking for it to be sacrificed!

This happened with my family my grandmothers beloved wire hair dachshund bit every grandchild, cousin you name it.

My mother tried to keep it away but it still tore up my hand my mother ended up having to put the dog in its place.It didnt bite me again

I personally would ask them are you seriously saying you care more about the dog than family.I am not asking you to get rid of him its clear you love him.Just put him somewhere he cant roam free or tie them up on a very long leash.If not i wont be able to attend

Send your husband to the party by himself and forward his brother of the possibility the dog may be aggressive. Then have a lovely afternoon at home with no stress.

Older people sometimes seem to have warped priorities as far as dogs are concerned! - I'm 25 and would not be happy about having to chuck my dog out of his own house for my own party....

How old are your children and what are they like generally with this dog. I assume this is not the first time this issue has arisen.

It's their choice to have an aggressive dog at their party.

It's your choice not to attend a party with an aggressive dog. I wouldn't either.

You have insulted their dog so must be punished. They are probably banking on dh attending by himself.

I'd reply along the lines of

"it's a shame the dc and us will miss out on this big event in your life, but if your dog really needs to be there then so be it. Look forward to hearing how it went".

I’m a just got a puppy and if she was like that I would be finding a dog sitter or something for the dog not the other way around. I would be declining the invite and telling them exactly why. A dog does not come before kids.

My dog isn't agressive and never has been, and has spend the last 5 years with our young babies/toddlers, putting up with some annoying shit that he shouldn't have had to, and has never even growled at a person.

I still shut him in another part of the house when we have people over who he doesn't know! That's just what considerate people do! Other people may not like dogs, other kids may be scared of dogs, or may do something he doesn't like and you never know what might happen - animals are unpredictable when faced with people and behaviour that they don't know, even the calmest and sweetest of dogs. What if a random cousin or family friend decides to stick something in his eye and he snaps out of self defence? He could seriously injure the child and then he himself would have to be put down. And for what? To not spend one day sleeping in a room away from the family? Something which does him no harm whatsoever and is perfectly easy to implement? Makes no sense.

People come before animals no matter how much we love them.

This ^^. I love my dog, but I'll keep him out of the way at a party. I imagine he'd be happier at our dog sitter's anyway, away from all the noise.

We have a family member who puts her animals before people and it's bizarre...it's also starting to cause tensions due to safety concerns. I'd let them know you can't come, plus warn your BIL.

I have a very sweet old dog and love dogs to but BUT ... all dogs can bite/become aggressive under the wrong conditions; fear, pain, territorial dispute etc.

I would not blame baby sitters for not attending, I would clearly say “ it’s a shame you chose to not use your normal dog sitter on this occasion, but if you want the dog there more than us we will respect YOUR choice” because it is their choice.

I would also very clearly warn the brother who hasn’t seen the dog in action because I guarantee, should anything happen (fingers crossed it doesn’t etc.), it won’t be “omg mum/dad how could you not prevent this” it will be “OMG, why didn’t turtle poop say something sooner, it’s ruined my child/dads birthday/ our trust in turtle poop”

Who is supervising the dog at this party, who is supervising children? I’m sure everyone will be very distracted.... until the dog goes Cujo on someone. 🙄😒

Male labs in particular can be very aggressive - real bullies, in fact - if they aren't well trained from an early age. This applies particularly to entire dogs, but neutered ones can have their moments, too.

They are highly intelligent, independent-minded, large, energetic dogs, and any animal like this, which isn't taught how to behave around people - adults and children - and other dogs will cause a problem.

The dog (unless it's used to a house full of people) is, aspigsDO says likely to become even more aggressive, whether it is fearful (fear-related aggression is very difficult to deal with because it is so unpredictable and so instinctive), over-excited, or protective (most labs, although not considered a "guarding" breed, are very protective of their homes and their people).

Personally (and I adore dogs) I wouldn't have the dog about for a party even if it was the most laid-back dog in the world. A lot of noise, a lot of people, a lot of food - children running about, food getting dropped, dog and child both lunge for the same biscuit etc - it's a recipe for disaster! And it is very stressful for the dog who isn't sure who should be in the house, what is acceptable for them to do etc. A day at the kennel would be a lot kinder to everyone, including the dog.

People can be very blinkered about their dogs, and I say that as a dog lover and owner. My mother was prepared to sacrifice years of having us as a family over to hers because she refused to deal with her unpredictable dog. It would act very aggressively on occasions and once went for my face when I was sat having a cup of tea. Tea went everywhere, I was scolded and shocked, but it was my fault apparently because "you looked at her" On the rare occasion we went to hers I would ask for the dog to be put in another room, then after a while my mother would start whining staying "Ooh can we just let 'Sadie' in now for a few minutes". Eventually we just stopped going to hers. Anyway, you can't risk your children's safety OP. If anything happened to them you would never forgive yourself because you know the dog is unpredictable.

As a dog lover I don't think it would be unreasonable to shut the dog in a bedroom away from the event. Those who like the dog can go and say hello, dog can be taken outside to stretch legs/relieve boredom/toilet on a lead if the party hours on for a long time. But if it's a badly trained dog maybe it will wreck a room if shut in.

I wouldn't ask somebody who was afraid of my dog to spend time with them, and if the dog was at all iffy I'd separate dog from children if not all visitors. It is the dogs home though, and if they perceive it as only your theoretical problem not a real risk I can see how they've come to their conclusion.

I think I'd just take DC out to do something nice while DH went, citing childcare. I wouldn't be annoyed or take it personally, that would involve wasted energy on sadness and wouldn't change anything :)

YANBU
Different dogs different circumstances. My former dog was no trouble when we used to have parties and the few children invited were fine with him. I did shut him away for a kids birthday party one time as a child was scared. I wouldn’t have a large scale party with my current dog. He’s too anxious and has warned my dd (not bitten obvs) when she goes ott unlike the other one, who accepted everything.

My brother and sil were vile to us after their dog bit dd on the face and refused to keep it away from dd. So we had to stay away from them for dds protection. My mother of course, who dislikes dogs but loves her golden child ds (being male) more than she cares for my dds welfare made out I was unreasonable. Ffs. Cue nastiness, screaming down the phone, horrid messages etc.

Go with your gut.

You need to tell bil about the dog as if anything happened as his ds is hurt you never forgive yourself. Re the invite decline and say why. You not preparedto put your dc safety at risk. Wish fil a nice birthday and say you see him whendog isnt around x

My ds pil always sent their dog to a neighbours house (who knew dog and was very happy to have dog) when they had a party saying parties and dogs do not mix.

It's up to them whether they want their dog at their party in their own house.

They feel that the dog is not aggressive, and I assume it has no history of having ever bitten or attacked anyone.

Your family has been invited. You have the choice of all going (and supervising your children - surely not hard with both of you there to just keep them away from the dog), booking a babysitter and just the adults going, or one of you staying at home with the children and just the other one going - your choice.

I'm not a dog lover at all, but I would never tell someone they couldn't have their own dog at their own house and needed to book a dog sitter. If I had a problem with someones dog I would see that as my problem to solve, and make my own arrangements accordingly.

Personally, I'm inclined to think I could adequately supervise my children if both DH and I were present, but would probably not want the children there without us there to supervise. But, your choice.

"Your family has been invited. You have the choice of all going"

The kids haven't been invited though, have they?

Thanks all for the replies.

We won't be going because of childcare but it feels like they're cornering us into bringing our dc. Hoping we'll cave. They won't let it drop if we say we can't go.

Re the incident he was tied to a pub bench and out of nowhere went for a kid. The only thing that stopped him was his lead. MIL thinks he lashed out in fear....which is exactly why my unpredictable toddlers shouldn't be anywhere near him.

I've grown up around dogs and am very fond of them but he's always been a PITA in all honesty.

Before dc arrived when we would pop round for a cuppa we'd get asked to move off the sofa because that's the dogs seat. So we'd be sat on the stone floor while the dog was spread across the sofa

To add BIL knows that we don't allow the dog near dc and the reasons why, but has only met the dog a handful of times and is taking MIL's word for it.