To be slightly hurt over this...dog and PIL issue

[turtlepoop]

So it's FIL's birthday soon and it's a big one. PIL are hosting a big party in their house for the family.

The only children in the family are ours and BIL's DS who will be 7 months at the time.

PIL have a dog that is IMO aggressive, despite what they think. I really like dogs and I'm fine with my dc being near them, living where we do they need to be relaxed around dogs...but not this particular dog. I've first hand witnessed him try to bite a child in a pub garden, with his hackles up. Was bloody awful and the poor child looked traumatised. Luckily dog couldn't reach the child so didn't actually touch the child. He's not trained and totally out of control, but he's a Labrador so apparently can't possibly be aggressive.

Anyway we've been told we need to make alternative Childcare arrangements for the event because we have an issue with dc being near the dog and they want the dog there. Except we don't have anyone we can ask, my parents are on holiday at the time and nursery isn't open on a Sunday!!

Obviously I'm never going to compromise the dcs safety but also feel like they're being difficult for the sake of it and thought they'd want the dc to be part of the big event. They pay a dog minder to take the dog for long haul holidays all year round. 5 in the last year in fact, but apparently it's imperative the "fur baby" stays with them this time.

It makes us look even worse because BIL is staying from overseas and is staying at their house with his DS. He hasn't seen the dog around children and is taking MIL's word. I have a funny feeling he'll be requesting to stay with us after a few days.

But its perfectly reasonable for ILs to not want to send away a dog who has no history of biting anyone

But it's very very simple to put a dog in a closed off room or area of the house/garden, and considerate people should do this anyway when they are having a large party, out of politeness for their guests and kindness to their dog/s! That's without even mentioning child safety. I do it because I'm aware that not all people like dogs, some people are scared of them, my dog would be constantly begging people for food, people would be giving my dog food I don't want it to be given, he may not enjoy being swarmed by kids, etc. etc. etc. There are a million reasons why the simplest solution is to just give him a long walk in the morning and then let him sleep all afternoon/evening in a closed bedroom. And the biggest thing is there's almost no reason NOT to! It's not like he's gonna be upset about missing the party. He's a dog!

Don't go.

Labradors are powerful dogs, it's not like it's an evil Chihuahua that might nip somebody on the finger. Some owners are the worst enemy of dogs like Labradors & Retrievers. Many don't train & socialise them properly because "they're harmless", when actually, both breeds fail aggression temperament tests at a higher rate than Rottweilers, and are plenty big & strong enough to do a lot of damage. Nobody would be OK with having a Rottweiler running about with kids that had raised its hackles and tried to go for a child, and they should have exactly the same attitude to other breeds too. Your in-laws are idiots.

I've owned a few dogs, none of them were aggressive or remotely unsound with kids, but I'd probably get somebody to dogsit them for a large party with kids. You have a responsibility as an owner to watch your dog like a hawk around children it doesn't live with, and I'd rather relax. These people are massively irresponsible - the fact they will take this attitude towards their own grandkids safety is shocking.

They obviously think the dog is fine and you’re just being ridiculous. So they’re drawing a line and letting you know they won’t be removing the dog to pander to you. Otherwise they’ll get drawn into a cycle of always having to remove the dog for you and they don’t want that.

Call their bluff and tell them you won’t be attending. See what they say.

Just out of interest, what happens if you unexpectedly pop into see them for an hour? Where does the dog go?

How rude and weird of them.

We've had this issue with my in laws. My sil's dog (who used to live with my pil) bit me on the face once. I'd just bent down to stroke it. It's a mastiff lab cross so it's fucking ENORMOUS. I'm talking over 200 pounds and all muscle. If I hadn't had pulled away quickly it would have taken my face off.

Since having ds we've had murders with them all saying the dogs fine and it must have been my fault he bit me. I refused to have ds around him. He was with mil for a few minutes once while I went to get something from the car and I came in and she was introducing them. Ds was going up the stairs (so in a confined space) in front of mil in to the dogs space (the landing where his bed is).

I grabbed ds and told mil if she ever let him near the dog again (especially mad as it was deliberately behind my back) she wouldn't be seeing him again.

That's the closest I've ever come to hitting someone.

People are uttterly insane regarding dogs and kids.

Your parents wonts change, until the dog bites one of the kids and then they'll still probably blame the kid.

Is the dog really aggressive? I've seen mine snarl at a kid whose pestered him and trodden on his tail but he shows no aggression to my nephew - we don't leave ddog alone with dn of course but I've seen him go into full protection mode when another dog approached dn.

With so many adults can't you just keep an eye on the kids - our ddog certainly goes to birthday celebrations (venue chosen specifically!) so I see their point of view too.

Just out of interest, what happens if you unexpectedly pop into see them for an hour? Where does the dog go?

We don't see them at their house... it's that bad. They come to us or we meet at a mutual location. They can't shut him in another room because he'll go mad and scratch the door to pieces or just barge into it repeatedly.

@anniehm I think he is but I'm no expert. There's just definitely something massively off about his behaviour. He went for the kid when they were minding their own business, there was no provoking.

He just freaks out with small people!

@pinkgloves fuck that's absolutely horrendous!!

Unfortunately this is the reason why we won't let them babysit because she made a "joke" to DH that "you'll never know if they meet anyway" Ha fucking ha.

We don't see them at their house... it's that bad

So you’ve already set a precedent for you not going to the house because the dog is there. It’s not surprising that they expect this arrangement to continue.

How old are your kids and do you ever leave them with any non-family sitters or nursery? It’s always good to have one or two in the rotation other than family. If you are one of those families who feel strongly about never leaving their kids then send DH but if you would be willing to find a babysitter for another event you can’t really use childcare as an excuse for this one. You don’t want it to seem like you are being petty and trying to make a point about it. The “Russian roulette” comment makes me wonder if you may be inclined to just a tad bit of overdramatizing on occasion...

@TortoiseLettuce because it's a big event and one that we must attend apparently. Zero shits have been given about our lack of childcare. In all honesty I think they're trying to corner us into attending with dc, so that in future we won't have to have this weird visiting set up every couple of weeks. They still ask if they can bring the dog to our house. It's infuriating.

They regularly use a dog sitter for when they go on days out and holidays that aren't doggy friendly.

It's our issue obviously because we're not happy with dc being near the dog but DH would have hoped his Dad wanted us all at his big birthday bash and he knows the only thing stopping us from all attending is the dog.

I think this is brinkmanship as you say, and a statement that the dog comes first in their affection.

Obviously they have the right to put the dog before their grandchildren, but you don't have to, and shouldn't, play along.

DH goes alone and tells anyone who asks that the children aren't there because the dog is aggressive towards children.

In all honesty I think they're trying to corner us into attending with dc, so that in future we won't have to have this weird visiting set up

I think you’re right.

I would send my dog to his bed and close the door if I were having a party. He is not aggressive in any way but I wouldn't subject him to a lot of noise or kids running around, pulling him etc

Your in laws want the dog there - and they are entitled to have their dog there. You don't want your dc around the dog. If you have no childcare the only thing you can do is let them know you won't be going.

Nobody is wrong.

You say the dog is aggressive but it has never bitten (unless I've missed it?)

But, whatever, if you are not happy with the dogs presence that's that. Nobody can force you to change your mind.

The situation is what it is.

They are being selfish. We had a Boxing Day party here, and a friends child is scared of dogs so I put my old jack Russell in my mums house for the day, not that she would have done anything to the child. I wouldn't go if I was you, sounds like an accident waiting to happen

I wouldn't have anything to do again with a family member that orchestrated a situation like that. They clearly either don't want their GC,s there ,either of you, or are hoping that your DH will go without you. To me that is just pure nasty behaviour. All this love me love my dog rubbish is just immature and point scoring. If you loved and cared for a family member of course you would put them before an animal. I hope you don't cave op and I hope your DH stands by his family and refuses to attend.

Obviously they have the right to put the dog before their grandchildren, but you don't have to, and shouldn't, play along.

This. Just don’t go; explain you don’t have childcare. End of. Their choice. Wouldn’t be mine; I’d think they were bonkers. But up to them.

Why on earth would you want a Labradour at a party?
They are notorious horrors anywhere around food, a nightmare if you make the mistake to put your plate down anywhere.
I'm sure that dog will be shut away during the party once it starts nosing into the food.

I would NEVER sacrifice my dog for anyone

So what happens if your dog did bite someone and the police wanted it destroyed? Surely safer all round to keep them away from potential victims?

He just freaks out with small people!

A lot of dogs do.

I think it's because they are unpredictable in their movements (toddlers especially can be very jerky) and make a lot of high-pitched noises (any dog with a strong prey drive finds this irresistible).

I've always had very good and reliable dogs, but I wouldn't inflict party situations onto them - it's not fair to the dogs apart from anything else.

This is a tough one. It's impossible to say whether the dog is dangerous or not because none of us saw the dog react to the child in the pub. But you think he is dangerous so you've got to protect your kids. You seem to have entered into some strange power struggle with the in-laws regarding the dog. Your DH needs to have a final firm word about the dog and tell them the dog won't be around your kids. The end. And they need to stop asking. They clearly think you're being ridiculous and you think they're bonkers. The only other way forward is to have the dog professionally evaluated and agree to go with that assessment.

Re the incident he was tied to a pub bench and out of nowhere went for a kid. The only thing that stopped him was his lead. MIL thinks he lashed out in fear....which is exactly why my unpredictable toddlers shouldn't be anywhere near him.

From this, I feel the only reason the dog has not bitten anyone yet is pure luck.

I would try really really hard to get a babysitter - at the very least send your DH alone. I would want to be there to watch this dog either miraculously behave, be shut in or sent to a dog sitter, or go completely apeshit and eat Great Aunt Maud whole. It'd be a win-win. You know it's not going to behave and they are either going to have to Do Something - which means they can do it next time you go over.

Id just see if your oh wants to go without you if you cant get childcare. Try not to react if they kick up fuss