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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate birthday present surprises?

52 replies

dignifiedlazyness · 18/02/2019 08:36

Ok yes I am bu. DP likes getting me surprises for my birthday... this year we are going away for a european city break and dh is attaching something on the end of it.
So it’s either going to be an extra few days in Budapest, or fly somewhere else for a day or two as the flight time he gave me for return journey does not match the flight times from budapest to our local airport.

He says please don’t ruin the surprise, but this is sending me insane!!! I’d rather just know what I am getting.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 18/02/2019 08:39

There are people who would give their right arm for a fella like this.
Your problem is you not him.

sweetpeach91 · 18/02/2019 08:54

@mummmy2017 people like me! It's my birthday today and my boyfriend didn't even acknowledge me this morning.😶 (though we did do presents on Valentine's Day).

sweetpeach91 · 18/02/2019 08:55

@dignifiedlazyness I don't think you're being ungrateful OP, I know how hard it is when you like to plan and know where you're going.

Just appreciate the gesture and roll with the holiday as it comes, enjoy it.

BitchQueen90 · 18/02/2019 08:59

I get it OP. I'm a huge control freak and I hate surprises, especially when it comes to going away. I need to know where I'm going so I can plan accordingly. I find it difficult to just "go with the flow."

DrinkReprehensibly · 18/02/2019 09:02

Some people at obsessed with the surprise element for their own sake. DH and I went on holiday with a group of other couples and one of the women had her birthday on the holiday. We all knew and brought presents but he was so obsessed with the surprise party he was planning on the holiday house that we all had to pretend we had forgotten her birthday until the evening. She actually started crying at one point and I overheard her saying, "why can't we tell them it's my birthday... They won't mind".

The party didn't make up for the discomfort in my opinion. We could have wished her happy birthday and still kept the party a surprise but he wasn't having it. It was all for his benefit.

I may be projecting but YANBU!

Magenta82 · 18/02/2019 09:04

I do get it, I'm not a massive fan of surprises either.

I used to be a lot worse though, after doing therapy to help my depression and anxiety I have become a lot more chilled with surprises of all kinds.

I think it is a control thing, now that I am happier I no longer feel the need to hold on so tightly to the reigns of my life, I can go with the flow a bit more and enjoy the ride. (Sorry for the terrible metaphor)

ShatnersWig · 18/02/2019 09:08

dh is attaching something on the end of it

Condom?

JRMisOdious · 18/02/2019 09:08

YANBU. Find big gesture surprises very unsettling indeed.

Seline · 18/02/2019 09:09

I hate surprises. My husband loves them.

I like to be in control at all times and plan everything. Surprises throw a spanner into my meticulously planned day and leave me uncertain which I hate.

mummmy2017 · 18/02/2019 11:02

Maybe all of you who acknowledge you have a control problem, need too see this as a time to let go and trust your partner won't put you in harm's way. .

Pk37 · 18/02/2019 11:18

YABU.
I do know what you mean though and I always manage to figure out the surprise but never let dh know I have .
It’s a control thing with me and I always regret it when I’ve worked it out as he puts so much effort in.
Just try and forget about it for now as it’s so nice he wants to do stuff for you like this

Seline · 18/02/2019 12:28

Mummy maybe people should just tell us what is going on Grin

Wixi · 18/02/2019 12:47

It is a control thing. My DH always makes everything we do for our DD9 a surprise, and she's not that impressed. If we are going to the beach, it's got to be a surprise until she recognises where we are, if we are going on a nice day out somewhere he won't tell her where until we get there. She really doesn't like being kept in the dark.

WarpedGalaxy · 18/02/2019 13:10

OP, I’d go with it, you know there’s a twist coming and you know it will be nice. This a different kind of surprise to what DrinkReprehensibly is talking about. That’s hurtful and no matter how nice the surprise at the end it doesn’t make up for several hours of feeling like shit because everyone’s apparently forgotten and then it turns out you’re like the butt of some joke? Nope.

DH did it to me once; later I told him I’d actually spent a really miserable day and couldn’t relax and enjoy the surprise properly because it was difficult to shake off the hurt feeling - he won’t do that again.

PBo83 · 18/02/2019 13:12

@WarpedGalaxy

OP, I’d go with it, you know there’s a twist coming and you know it will be nice

My thinking exactly. I once 'tagged' an extra day onto the end of a holiday with my now-wife.

BlackCatSleeping · 18/02/2019 13:18

I also hate surprises. It’s your birthday so surely your wants top his?

PBo83 · 18/02/2019 13:28

I also hate surprises. It’s your birthday so surely your wants top his?

By the sounds of it, his 'wants' are to take OP away somewhere nice for her birthday (presumably somewhere he knows she'd like) with an added surprise at the end of it. Sounds like a nice guy to me!

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 18/02/2019 13:31

There are people who would give their right arm for a fella like this.
Your problem is you not him.

Oh, BULLSHIT! It's totally shit for someone to keep forcing surprises on people they know don't like them. That makes it all about them. It's saying, 'Don't really care! You're going to have surprises foisted on you because I like them! Fuck what you want!'

I'd have put a stop to this years ago because I don't like surprises. Don't really have to justify why or make it an issue that I need therapy for or any shit like that. There's FA wrong with no liking them and it's fucking rude to force something on someone that you know they don't want because you do.

I wouldn't do that to my husband so I sure as hell wouldn't take it from him.

I'd tell him to tell you what's going on or you're not going. He's making your birthday all about himself.

BlackCatSleeping · 18/02/2019 13:32

But I hate this attitude that women must be grateful for any gesture their husband makes. If I make my husband a nice steak for dinner even though I know he hates steak, should he still shut up and be grateful because I did a “nice” thing? Or should I make him something he actually likes if I’m planning on doing something nice for him?

PBo83 · 18/02/2019 13:38

If I make my husband a nice steak for dinner even though I know he hates steak, should he still shut up and be grateful because I did a “nice” thing?

That's not a comparison though. A comparison would be knowing he LOVES steak, telling him you're cooking him something nice for dinner but not telling him what it was.

I think it's fairly safe to say that he's not going to have arranged a birthday surprise that he know's the op won't like.

weegiemum · 18/02/2019 13:40

I've learned over the years to enjoy surprises, but it has taken real effort! Dh tells me when he can, as I'm not good at reacting to surprises. But sometimes I have to trust him that I don't know in advance.

This past Christmas he was so, SO proud of his "surprise" and our 3 dc agreed I needed to find out on Christmas Day. He excelled himself - I've only ever in my whole life enjoyed one board game that isn't made any more and he tracked it down on eBay! It's one of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever had (he was looking for 7 months!) and made the mini hoover that was my other "gift" pale into insignificance!

I think if surprises are hard, then you should be told (I didn't know until the morning of my honeymoon where I was going!) but when it's a particularly special surprise then it's worth the mental effort of "receiving" the gift - my dh got the honeymoon right, just as he got finding a copy of "Abandon Ship" right!

DoJo · 18/02/2019 13:43

I am not a control freak, but I do enjoy the anticipation of a trip so would not like a surprise because that would be marred a bit by worrying that I wasn't going to enjoy the surprise as much as I should, or feeling pressured into doing something that wouldn't have been my first choice. Is it really too much to accept that one can not enjoy being surprised without it being a pathological flaw?

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 18/02/2019 13:43

That's not a comparison though. A comparison would be knowing he LOVES steak, telling him you're cooking him something nice for dinner but not telling him what it was.

No, a comparison would be if he said, 'I really don't like surprises' and you still said, 'Don't really care what you like. You're doing what I want you to do because I know you'll like it and then you should be grateful.

That's rude.

Every single one of these gits who insist on shoving surprises down people they know don't like them's throats is also one of these attention-seeking people who want praise and gratitude for being so sweet/romantic/thoughtful, they make it about themselves. 'I surprised him/her, go me! I'm such a thoughtful sweet person. He/she loved it!'

It's not on if you know someone doesn't like it to still insist.

PBo83 · 18/02/2019 13:43

I'd tell him to tell you what's going on or you're not going. He's making your birthday all about himself.

How can we ever arrive at this conclusion? It's her birthday, he's obviously planned something special which he wanted to be a nice surprise.

If my wife asked me on December 20th what I'd bought her for Christmas (possibly because she'd seen a egg blue bag at the back of the wardrobe) and I don't tell her because I want her to have something she loves to open on Christmas day...Am I making that all about me?

If he knows you well and knows you don't like surprises then I'm sure there's a good reason. Trust him, there are somethings that have to be a surprise in order to 'work'.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 18/02/2019 13:44

Is it really too much to accept that one can not enjoy being surprised without it being a pathological flaw?

No. There's FA wrong with it anymore than not liking meat, or not liking flying or being on ships or not like red clothes etc etc.

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