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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate birthday present surprises?

52 replies

dignifiedlazyness · 18/02/2019 08:36

Ok yes I am bu. DP likes getting me surprises for my birthday... this year we are going away for a european city break and dh is attaching something on the end of it.
So it’s either going to be an extra few days in Budapest, or fly somewhere else for a day or two as the flight time he gave me for return journey does not match the flight times from budapest to our local airport.

He says please don’t ruin the surprise, but this is sending me insane!!! I’d rather just know what I am getting.

OP posts:
TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 18/02/2019 13:46

How can we ever arrive at this conclusion? It's her birthday, he's obviously planned something special which he wanted to be a nice surprise.

Because he knows she doesn't like surprises! What's nice to him isn't nice to her. That's not being very special or kind to then say, 'Well, don't really care, you're getting what I want.'

PBo83 · 18/02/2019 13:52

Every single one of these gits who insist on shoving surprises down people they know don't like them's throats is also one of these attention-seeking people who want praise and gratitude for being so sweet/romantic/thoughtful, they make it about themselves. 'I surprised him/her, go me! I'm such a thoughtful sweet person. He/she loved it!'

I am one of those gits then.

I took my now-wife away to a pleasant (not posh) hotel/spa for a few days which she knew about. What she didn't know was that I had also booked a night at a hotel where she had always wanted to stay (but would be typically too pricey to justify). On our last morning at hotel 1, I told her where we were going, I had booked a suite, had arranged for a massage for her, made dinner reservations etc. I then proceeded to propose to her (and luckily for me she agreed...crazy woman!).

So, according to you, I should have told her about the hotel and all the things I had arranged, including the proposal (not saying that that that OPs partner has planned) because she isn't normally a fan of surprises? And, yes, I was pleased with myself, for the sole reason that she loved it and not because of any 'control' thing, it just wouldn't have worked otherwise.

pinkyredrose · 18/02/2019 13:57

weegiemum I should think ANY suprise would make a mini hoover pale into insignificance!

PBo83 · 18/02/2019 13:59

@pinkyredrose - I got one as a present one year. Bloody brilliant thing, I can now eat biscuits in bed with impunity :)

pinkyredrose · 18/02/2019 14:00

Good point! Grin

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 18/02/2019 14:01

Yes, P, god, you are so special and wonderful!

PBo83 · 18/02/2019 14:08

Yes, P, god, you are so special and wonderful!

I am aren't I? Bloody brilliant me!

Sarcasm aside (and noted), that wasn't the point of my post. It's not like I'm making grand romantic gestures all the time (and I wouldn't say that this was particularly grand, just something I knew she would like). My point was simply that sometimes, doing something you know your partner will like, may involve an element of secrecy. I just cited my own experience as an example.

bumblingbovine49 · 18/02/2019 17:24

DH planned a.massive surprise for my 50thnthat I.loved but he absolutely knows I hate hate hate travel surprises as they can't be complete surprises as you have to pack.and I really cannot bear going anywhere without the right stuff with me. It absolutely ruins my holiday if I have the wrong clothes or shoes with me . I can rarely buy them there as I am very overweight and take a size 9 shoe. All of which make clothes shopping in a lot of countries almost impossible.

So YNBU to be unhappy with a travel suprise I think but parties and days out or dinners out or events in thi country I am fine with

Seline · 18/02/2019 17:29

Every single one of these gits who insist on shoving surprises down people they know don't like them's throats is also one of these attention-seeking people who want praise and gratitude for being so sweet/romantic/thoughtful, they make it about themselves. 'I surprised him/her, go me! I'm such a thoughtful sweet person. He/she loved it!'

This. They want it to be about them. It's attention seeking of the highest order.

Crockof · 18/02/2019 17:36

P it depends, does your wife hate surprises?
I also think it's more about the person giving the surprise. P demonstrates this as they sound so smug and delighted with themselves.

learieonthewildmoor · 18/02/2019 17:55

Being a bit harsh on P!
My sil hates surprises for herself but doesn’t mind surprising other people. Tells you what to buy and where for her; but then shows up with a fruit bowl instead of earrings. She’s got some control issues, but I’ve met her mother so I understand.

DoJo · 18/02/2019 19:32

But in your example, P, your wife presumably had no idea that you were staying an extra day so at least wasn't on pins, knowing that there was a surprise looming, which is half the problem, to me at least.

That said, if you'd done that to me I'd have been annoyed to be turning up at my dream destination with a bag full of dirty clothes and nothing to wear to the posh dinner, so I would still rather have known.

RomaineCalm · 18/02/2019 19:52

I would hate a travel surprise, I like to know where I'm going and what I need to pack. Half of the fun (for me at least) is in the preparing and planning. I am in awe of a friend of mine who was happy with a 'surprise honeymoon' - all she knew was to pack for two weeks in Europe in June - that would absolutely finish me off. I don't get the rationale that you can buy it once you get there - I want clothes and shoes that fit and feel comfortable and appropriate.

Hypothetically, I could cope with a "we're going to the Holiday Inn, we'll have a nice meal out somewhere and don't forget to take gym/swim stuff" which turns into "we're going to stay at The Langham, I've booked you a couple of hours in the spa and then I've booked dinner at The OXO Tower"

I do wonder how many of these parties are a true surprise though. The last one I went to the birthday girl turned up in a stunning LBD and heels - quite lucky given that she'd apparently been told that they were just meeting a couple of friends in the Harvester. Grin

XingMing · 18/02/2019 20:18

For my 40th birthday, my DH would say nothing, and didn't acknowledge that it was significant. He said he'd booked dinner at our local (very good) Chinese restaurant and to wear something nice, and refused to say more. On the day, nobody called to wish me a happy birthday, there were no cards, and as I'd not heard much from anyone for days, I decided I had offended everyone I was fond of. Then, on the evening, with me saying it's miserable being 40, I hate this, he suggested a drink on the way.... and everybody piled out of the door. They had not been able to contain the secret so hadn't called or phoned. People had come thousands of miles to say happy birthday. It was a wonderful evening and is a treasured memory. The joy of knowing people love you enough to do months of organising was a tsunami of emotion. He'd organised everyone's overnight stays (and their childcare) for them, so it was a huge undertaking. Mind you, I am plotting my revenge!

MerryBerryCheesecake · 18/02/2019 22:01

I do get it because a lot of people don't do well with uncertainty but saying that, you want to try it the other way round.

Birthday, Christmas, Wedding Anniversary. Every year I think this might be the year he gives me a surprise present but nope, fuck all, as per usual. Occasionally he remembers a cheap ugly card, presents it with a flourish then spends all day pleased with himself basically going "how do like that card I got ya then" when it's all I can manage not to set fire to it in front of his face before cooking the ashes in to his dinner. It was our twenty third wedding anniversary yesterday (not outing, no bugger knows it) and he didn't even notice. He notices when it's his birthday and that I haven't done anything for it. I will get several "well, happy birthday Mr MerryBerryCheesecake" before the day is through. I used to but after years of disappoint on my own birthday, I decided he could get fucked when it's his.

BlackCatSleeping · 18/02/2019 22:07

A guy I worked with organised a surprise getaway for their wedding anniversary. He told her which weekend they were going away on and arranged for his parents to babysit the kids. Anyway, it turned out a weekend self catering in a town he knows she hates. She was so disappointed as she wanted a city hotel with a spa. He was furious by her disappointment as he felt she was rude and ungrateful. I told him he was being a dick about it. That's the risk with surprises though.

WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 19/02/2019 07:01

My DH hates surprises and so does my DS but me and my DD love them. We have learned over 30 years that we just surprise each other now, the stress it must create for someone who likes to know what is happening and is being told they cannot know must be insurmountable sometimes. I think It is a control thing! I think you are not unreasonable to not like them and your DP will learn eventually that he is actually not being kind doing this.

poundoflard · 19/02/2019 07:38

I think it is all about control... his control over you.

My DH is like this, for my significant b.day he knew I wanted to go away to a specific hotel.
However he booked exactly what he had in mind saying I thought you'd like this better. It was his choice, his venue on the dates he chose,not even on my birthday because it suited him better!

He knew what I wanted but as always chose what he wanted , and still does, hence us being separated!

Sp OP I totally get it, you would probably enjoy going away somewhere nice more if you knew where you were going and what you are doing. I know I certainly would. It the not knowing that bothers me.

NCjustforthisthread · 19/02/2019 07:59

Yup. LTB.

mummmy2017 · 19/02/2019 10:22

I love giving surprise, the planing and the the reveal, but when you try hard and there is no reaction it is hurtful, then you slowly stop trying as what is the point

Loughers · 19/02/2019 10:27

@poundoflard

Honest to God - talk about "damned if you do, damned if you don't" ?

He organised a super surprise for OP = would it have been better to ignore it ?

daisypond · 19/02/2019 10:34

I think people who like organising surprises for other people are controlling. It's all about what they like and want and not whether the recipient would like it. And then the recipient has to be "grateful". If they're not, the organiser gets pissed off - it's all about them.

mummmy2017 · 19/02/2019 10:40

No sometime we do it out if live, and really think about what would please the person, their fav things, band , place. As a birthday or Xmas gift, and yet still they take and never say even a thank you. There are people who expect it, would go mad if you did nothing, then complain when you do.

BlackCatSleeping · 19/02/2019 10:58

But surely it's just as nice just to say to a person "Hey, that band you love is touring next year. Why don't I try and get tickets for us to go?" and either the other person will be thrilled and say thank you or it gives them the opportunity to say, "I think you're mistaken, I really hate the Spice Girls." and then it saves awkwardness at a later date?

Many years ago, I had just started dating a guy and he told me about an event he was going to and I mentioned how interesting it sounded and how I'd love to go, but he didn't invite me. He mentioned it a few times again and even asked me if I was working that weekend, which I wasn't, and I thought he'd ask me, but he didn't. He was sort of toying with me about it. I was annoyed. Anyway, the morning of the event, he turned up at my place with a big grin on his face and told me that he was taking me to the event. Only work had called that morning and they were looking for someone to cover a sick colleague and as I didn't have plans, I said I'd do it. I was actually just about to leave. It was so awkward. The whole thing. I was really shocked. I genuinely hadn't expected a surprise and he just looked horrified when I told him I had to work. I still cringe thinking about it.

FilledSoda · 19/02/2019 11:09

I hate surprises, my loved ones know this so thankfully don't do it