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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad he won’t go away with me?

120 replies

Holidayblues31 · 18/02/2019 07:15

I’ve been with my partner for over three years. In all that time he’s refused to go on holiday with me. We live together, so no chance of secret second family etc.

I am disabled (but fully mobile so travelling not an issue) and going on holiday is a real treat and change of scene for me. I really love it, especially to sunny climates as I get very down and sick with every virus in the winter as I’m sure most of us do. I’ve suggested going away many times and every time he makes an excuse about money. He earns four times what I do and is in no way skint, just tight.

He has a hobby that takes up most of his free holiday time and will happily spend thousands on the hobby. He has made promises that he will go away with me but every time we set a window something to do with the hobby comes up and he prioritises that. He has flown several hours to take part in events so fear of flying or hatred of travelling is not the issue. I fully support him doing this and love that he has something he is passionate about.

This is the only bug bear in our relationship - he is a loving, thoughtful and usually generous person and I love him very much. I just want to go on holiday! I do get away with my parents but I’m sick of going away and spending lots of time alone as they both have their own health issues. It just feels like I have nobody to share travelling with and it makes me sad he doesn’t want to be a part of it. I don’t want to sound spoiled, it’s not a case of wanting a fancy holiday. I pay for myself and would happily go anywhere, even just for a weekend. I feel like he thinks it’s completely frivolous so won’t engage, then will spend hundreds on his hobby with no compromise. Maybe it is just the weather making me feel down but it’s suddenly really getting to me.

AIBU to be bothered by this? He has promised to try and get away next year but at this point I don’t believe him.

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 18/02/2019 07:17

What reasons is he giving?

Ragnarthe · 18/02/2019 07:18

YANBU op, if money is the issue why can't he save up? At the very least he should tell the truth of why he doesn't want to go instead of pretending he can't afford it.

Original poster
Holidayblues31 · 18/02/2019 07:20

Too expensive, doesn’t like that sort of holiday, can’t get the time off work, what about the dog? He never says he straight up doesn’t want to and then when I say I’m going with someone else he seems relieved. I just want to spend time with him I really don’t get the issue!

OP posts:
IndianaMoleWoman · 18/02/2019 07:21

What would he say if you said you were going on your own?

AgentJohnson · 18/02/2019 07:22

he is a loving, thoughtful and usually generous person

Except when he’s making excuse (telling lies) about going on holiday with you. His generosity is on his terms, great if your wants coincide but not so much, if they don’t.

Handwringing isn't going to change him.

Original poster
Holidayblues31 · 18/02/2019 07:22

He wouldn’t be bothered, he’d just say have a good time.

OP posts:
explodingkitten · 18/02/2019 07:24

And if you oay?

AgentJohnson · 18/02/2019 07:25

The issue is he doesn’t want to go on holiday with you and not having the balls to say that. Instead you two do this ridiculous dance of him making false promises and you waiting for them not to materialise.

Original poster
Holidayblues31 · 18/02/2019 07:26

I’m not sure that it he’s lying as such - I think the money concerns are real in his head. He’s very cautious with money most of the time and I think holidays just aren’t a priority to him in the same way I see them as a must have (within reason obviously). But he is on a really good salary, we don’t have kids yet so a small holiday really wouldn’t break the bank. Anything over £300 and he sort of clams up and says it’s too much but then doesn’t do any research himself so we end up back at square one.

OP posts:
Fiveredbricks · 18/02/2019 07:27

Is he a cocklodger OP? Does he ever so anything with you apart from stuff at home? Why have you been a pushover? Tell him if he doesn't want to spend time with you or make an effort then he can f*ck off ... A holiday is not something a normal person would be avoiding Confused

GreenThing · 18/02/2019 07:27

I'm similar to your partner.

I hate going on holiday, it seems so pointless.

I love to travel for work, or going away to study/on a course, or for something with a point.

Going away for a change if scene, or some sun, or a 'break' is just something I find profoundly irritating. It is a waste of money and time.

You should go away alone, or with friends.

Because your partner would likely resent the time he could spend doing something more profitable, and then you'd be miserable.

Fiveredbricks · 18/02/2019 07:27

Also unless you have photo proof of the hobby during his time away I would be assuming there is something else keeping him occupied

FlagFish · 18/02/2019 07:29

OP, have you told him how you feel about this? How much it means to you?

It sounds like he's just a person who doesn't particularly value or enjoy holidays. There's nothing wrong with that, but it would be kind and unselfish of him to go anyway with you, as you would enjoy it so much.

Is there a friend you could go with, instead of your parents?

RemodellingMyHouse · 18/02/2019 07:29

But he'll happily spend over £300 in his hobby, given that he travels to events etc?

It's simple. He sees his hobby as a priority, but not holidays with you.

Original poster
Holidayblues31 · 18/02/2019 07:31

We do go on trips to visit his family (UK) but it is in no way a holiday as every single day is taken up and I’m exhausted when we get back. I think if we won a free holiday or something he’d go but the actual planning and paying for it is the issue. I sound so stupid but it’s actually making me cry because I am very honest with him how I feel and he kind of skirts the issue. He does acknowledge that it makes me upset and doesn’t gaslight me, he knows he spends loads on his hobby and admits it (not that it’s a crime!) it’s just not a priority to go on holiday for him

This is the only thing we’ve ever had an argument about and even though it frustrates me it’s not worth throwing things away for but it makes me sad that he won’t come with me and share memories.

OP posts:
awesmum · 18/02/2019 07:31

If he travels for his hobby, why not go with him and you can each do your own thing during they day?

FlagFish · 18/02/2019 07:31

Do you have shared finances? If not, could you offer to pay for him?

Original poster
Holidayblues31 · 18/02/2019 07:32

Sorry don’t know how to reply to specfic people but yes I have proof of the hobby - it was on a 24 hour live video feed! It’s 100% legit and I have absolutely no fear that he’s cheating on me

OP posts:
Original poster
Holidayblues31 · 18/02/2019 07:33

I’m restricted to when I take holiday and my holiday and the hobby didn’t line up, I was planning on going and it didn’t work.

OP posts:
LotsToThinkOf · 18/02/2019 07:34

Some people really don't like holidays, a relative of mine is the same and he becomes very distressed when he's there when he does try it. He can't just do nothing, he's very active and needs to be working or doing his hobby.

Could you compromise and head to a destination where he can do his hobby for some of the time and relax with you for the rest? Are you able to join his hobby or do you have a hobby he could join you for?

pinkdelight · 18/02/2019 07:35

I understand about the hobby thing. If that's how he wants to spend his time/money/holidays, it wouldn't make sense for him to forgo that for a holiday he doesn't want because you want him to. As you say, he'd be fine with you going without him, so his criteria for enjoyment don't make any demands on you whereas yours would on him. It's a shame you don't have a love of the same kind of holidays in common but I don't think that's a reason why he should go with you. There is an idea that holidays/travelling are wonderful and everyone should love them, but that's not the case for everyone (including me as you can probably tell - I like doing my life/work/hobbies and don't enjoy a break from them). Should he come just to make you happy? Would it make you happy if you knew he wasn't enjoying himself? You're nbu to be sad he won't come but he's nbu to do his own thing either. As long as all is happy otherwise, which sounds like the case, then you'd be best finding other people to go away with and pleasing yourself.

Original poster
Holidayblues31 · 18/02/2019 07:35

Yes we do do things together - trips out, cinema, meals etc. It really is a lovely relationship and I don’t want to seem like I’m just moaning about him.

Thank you to the person who doesn’t like holidays either - it really is interesting to see it from your perspective and helps me understand better.

I do try and go with friends but a lot of people are getting married/pregnant atm so don’t have the time or funds so hasn’t been an option for a year or two

OP posts:
Original poster
Holidayblues31 · 18/02/2019 07:37

Sorry didn’t mean to drip feed but he has been on holidays before we were together, with family and a big trip with a previous girlfriend to Australia.

there is definitely a certain type of holiday he wouldn’t enjoy but he likes walking and country side so I’ve suggested places like that and he’s shown interest but ultimately won’t commit.

OP posts:
Ragnarthe · 18/02/2019 07:38

I would outright ask him why he doesn't want to go and explain that you feel he isn't being honest with you.
If he doesn't want or like holidays then the least he can do is be honest.

pinkdelight · 18/02/2019 07:38

Ah GreenThing, I feel you. That's exactly it!