To be sad he won’t go away with me?

[Holidayblues31]

I’ve been with my partner for over three years. In all that time he’s refused to go on holiday with me. We live together, so no chance of secret second family etc.

I am disabled (but fully mobile so travelling not an issue) and going on holiday is a real treat and change of scene for me. I really love it, especially to sunny climates as I get very down and sick with every virus in the winter as I’m sure most of us do. I’ve suggested going away many times and every time he makes an excuse about money. He earns four times what I do and is in no way skint, just tight.

He has a hobby that takes up most of his free holiday time and will happily spend thousands on the hobby. He has made promises that he will go away with me but every time we set a window something to do with the hobby comes up and he prioritises that. He has flown several hours to take part in events so fear of flying or hatred of travelling is not the issue. I fully support him doing this and love that he has something he is passionate about.

This is the only bug bear in our relationship - he is a loving, thoughtful and usually generous person and I love him very much. I just want to go on holiday! I do get away with my parents but I’m sick of going away and spending lots of time alone as they both have their own health issues. It just feels like I have nobody to share travelling with and it makes me sad he doesn’t want to be a part of it. I don’t want to sound spoiled, it’s not a case of wanting a fancy holiday. I pay for myself and would happily go anywhere, even just for a weekend. I feel like he thinks it’s completely frivolous so won’t engage, then will spend hundreds on his hobby with no compromise. Maybe it is just the weather making me feel down but it’s suddenly really getting to me.

AIBU to be bothered by this? He has promised to try and get away next year but at this point I don’t believe him.

How about if you just organised and booked it? Would he come along?

Good point about what will happen when you have kids.

Dh still refused to come away when dd was little. I had to take her camping so she could have a holiday and couldn't afford anything but camping.

The bigger issue for me was that he also refused to come on any days out. Whether it was to the park, bike rides, the zoo, a museum, etc. He deemed them all boring and stuff which got in the way of his hobby. Though to be honest n days when the weather was too bad to do his hobby he still wouldn't come. I get that it's boring, parks, etc with a toddler aren't my idea of a fab day out but I put dd first. His refusal to still upsets me and to be honest has ruined our relationship.

If you're planning children then you need to discuss and be shown that his hobby will take a back seat.

He'll spend time with you, as long as it fits in with his schedule.

Me and my DH did separate holidays, he was a workaholic and it's a regret of mine that I didn't make it a deal breaker.

I'm 51, my tastes have changed. There's holidays that I would have liked to do, when I was younger (and more shallow).

I was Widowed and in hindsight, I made a lot of compromises during my marriage. A lot of Women that I speak to have done the same.

Don't waste your 30's, especially if children are hoped for, life will change and you can't get time/energy levels/ways of looking at things, back.

Try to imagine being in your 50/60's and having some health issues. Start to think about the regrets that you'll have and rectify them, while you have time.

The saying "you're never too old..." is bullshit. Depending on what you disability is, that may be more true for you.

op i thought i would give you an insight into someone who hates holidays.

i too have a hobby i would go away with and don't mind the odd uk over night trip.

However, holidays feel like such a waste not money and create such anxiety for me.

why? firstly i love my life. everything about it, my kids, my house, my job, my dp etc
i love my routine, and changing that routine that i love causes me anxiety. my life is perfect and going on holiday changes this so i don't enjoy it as much

i also had a horrible childhood where my worst memories were of holidays and this was coupled with an abusive ex who was more abusive on holiday.

now i still go away and actually the planning/ build up is far worse than the holiday.
i just do a few things which make it easier- such as make sure there is a gym, plan things when i am there, get my dp to do all the admin / planning - and guess. what i enjoy it!

slowly i have been going away more (now i made myself for the kids and my relationship and more importantly me) and i don't dread it as much

Nico your H sounds like a nasty selfish man who isn't prepared to put himself out at all not even for his DC.

OP I'd tell him its a done deal and book a cottage on dates that should suit. Low key not too expensive but just do it. If he doesn't make it there, well you have your answer.

His hobby will never take a back seat. If OP has kids she will be taking them on holidays alone. Even if he says it will now it won’t.

If he doesn’t want to spend time with his partner he’s not going to spend time with his kids - who will be harder work.

Go alive. Plenty do. Cruising is perfect for that and it’s really fun but old people any more.

Alone!! Hopefully you would be alive

Not D&D, something that requires a particular set of skills (he’s not chasing down kidnappers) and I really really don’t have them.

Also laughing that some of you thought I was in my 60s, I am an old soul.

We have discussed what will happen when we have children (a few years off as we would like to get married before) and he knows that it would take a back seat. I have no doubts that he would help as he is great around the house and cares for our animals. The hobby doesn’t take over home life so much, it just seems to be this.

Cruises are fab and I have done a couple with my parents as they’re so good for disabilities. I wouldn’t expect him to come on one as I do understand why people don’t enjoy them.

I have previously booked a holiday with others and added him on to the booking but he decided not to come.

Thanks for all your responses, it has given me stuff to think about

I would cheerfully decline future invitations to the busy weekends visiting his family that tire you out. If he gets to turn down trips that don't work for him, so do you.

(Wonders again how so many individual men posted about on here can all have totally unique and outing hobbies..)

So are you happy to put up with this for the rest of your life? Why will happen if you have children? He stays at home and you go on holiday with the kids? No thanks.

It simply isnt a priority for him, so he wont do it. For fhree years you have been upset over this and yet he wont find a solution to agree to any of yours.

This isnt just about the holidays. This is about him not compromising on important matters.

Really think about doing some pre-marriage counselling to raise possible issues, althogh if he makes all the right noises it wont actually help.

Youre not on the same page.

The problem is he is not being entirely honest. I love holidays but I can see why some people wouldn't. But he could just bloody talk to you about it! If it's important for your emotional and physical well-being he could suck up his dislike of them for one week out of 52. Instead he's making excuses about money which in my opinion is pretty horrible when he will spend thousands on making himself happy. He doesn't want to compromise. In relationships there is always a degree of compromise (eg visiting in-laws when you'd rather visit yours etc) to make sure both of you are happy. He is vetoing all holidays and then not acknowledging that he is doing it

I would do 2 things. Get him to have an honest conversation with you and admit he hates the idea of a holiday. Then drill down and find out what it is he doesn't like. If he''s bored at the thought of lying on a beach for a week for example you can book a different type of holiday or compromise and go somewhere with a nearby city or other things to visit or try something completely different. I'm not sure where he goes for his hobby but could you join him then tag on some extra days?

Also there are lots of holidays for people who don't have people to travel with. I know disabilities would complicate things but this aside, lots of people travel alone for lots of reasons so I'd research this

YANBU to be upset, but ... I don't really like holidays where we're supposed to sit around & laze in the sun etc etc. Personally, I find holidays that are a "week in the sun" so unutterably a waste of time ... I can do this for about three days, tops (so like to go away forFriday to Sunday). Then I want to DO something, learn something, make something.

I don't get much time off, so when I do, I want to make it productive for me.

Maybe he's like that? His hobby is his form of 'holiday'?

GreenThing dalhandchips out if interest, why are holidays a waste of time to you? There us no single type of holiday. They can't all be a waste of time. Engaging in an activity like scuba diving or skiing is hardly a waste of time unless you think all activity is a WOT. Or discovering new cities and cultures. Or giving your mind and body a complete break from responsibility. None of these are a WOT.

Oh OP this would really make me cry too. I can imagine the frustration of trying to suggest and getting a dead end.

The thing that sticks out for me is you are with someone lovely maybe, but someone who is completely unwilling to compromise. If my partner knows something is really important to me and its not his thing, he will still do it. Not every time but, he will. And vice versa.

You are compromising - you you say you would like to get away to some sun but are willing to do UK. My brother doesn't like holidays but every year he takes his children and is not moody about it either.

I couldn't live my life with someone that didn't have excitement for holidays, even just pottering around a seaside in uk. I also couldn't live my life being second to someones hobby. Hobbies are great! But it sounds like that is his passion. Please also be aware that someone like this will likely get worse as they get older, stuck in ways, no compromise part.

From your messages you sound so lovely and full of life. Maybe at this 3 yr point is a good time to think, i love him but do i want a lifetime of this? If i stay 3 more years will i feel deep regret if it goes wrong? I am not saying leave him over this issue, but life is so short and you sound like you want to share travel with a man you love and all the wonderful things about it!

I think it's easy for him to say now that he would compromise regarding his hobby when you have kids, but can you really believe him? Have you had a conversation about his expectations? Would he come for days out with you? What about family holidays?

Your pp about him not coming to the group holiday is telling.

Id be very hurt by this. His actions are loud and clear and I think you would be a fool to think he will change if you have kids.

Another one here in the same situation.

@Holidayblues31 @NicoAndTheNiners can I come with? (she says not entirely sure if she is actually joking or so desperate she'd hop on a plane with internet strangers )

I have said that when we have kids the hobby would have to take a back seat - he agreed. It is something that kids could also participate in (it’s how he got into doing it, with his dad. Sorry to be so mysterious!!!). I’ve also said I can’t live my life never going on holiday or having a change of scene, it just isn’t what I want.

I think the problem is he doesn’t really have anything else except his hobby that requires commitment (in his eyes) like a child will. I have no doubt that he will be a great dad, he’s very caring and I think he’ll throw himself into it like he does everything else.

We do go on days out and do stuff together so I don’t think that would be an issue, it’s not that we don’t spend time together it’s just that his leisure trips are purely for the hobby. I’m hoping we can book a trip to see some of my family who live in a beautiful place so we can combine visiting and sight seeing. It’s just a matter of pinning him down - things are clashing and we have a few events like weddings/christenings that fall in the middle of my holidays from work so we don’t have a clear run for a holiday. Trying to convince him to go on a weekend away doesn’t work - waste of time for a short break etc. I think he doesn’t switch off like PP have said they can’t, so he doesn’t see the point in going away simply to relax.

He’s not a bad person, we just really don’t match on this particular issue.

And yes big group MN holiday for all of us with mardy arse partners who don’t want to go 😂

I strongly suspect my DH does the same/very similar hobby.

His participation hasn't changed since having (several) DC. He goes say does his thing I go away visit friends. We can't afford holidays tbh.

It pisses me off far more now than it did when the DC were going. We have virtually no social life together as he uses his "being sociable" up on his hobby... been together 20 years and I guess my friendships have changed over the years so now there is more of a gap in my life.

Excuse typos!!!

@randommess I’m so curious to know if it’s the same one! I’m sorry things haven’t changed. I don’t really have a hobby so I can’t kmagine being so dedicated to it that it trumps everything else but I guess for some people (including my partner) it really is the case.

My BIL is like this, never goes away with my sister. They never had a honeymoon either as his dad was unwell and he promised they could go another time when his dad recovered. Married over 40 years now and never had a honeymoon, never went away with her and their DC, she arranged and paid for a b&b for her, DH and two GC that he cancelled and booked a caravan instead as she could cook and clean for the "break" so they did not need B&B at all.

He retired a few years ago, came home from his last day of work sat in his armchair and has not moved since. The holiday refusal is just a small part of how he is in all aspects of the marriage, no compromises, no doing anything that may meet her needs. She seems worn down and without energy to leave him.

Think carefully about this man OP, he has shown you where you are in the his priorities, do you really want to live your life with a man who is full of excuses to not holiday with you, think about what that really means as the excitement of looking forward to a break and the memories of it can get your through some low points in life.

DH always checks that a weekend away is ok with me and when I go away he is left to do all the "wifework" so it is equitable it's just a lack of anything we do "together".

Now I'm older and more cynical I just wonder what is the point of us being together as a couple 🤷🏽‍♀️