To be sad he won’t go away with me?

[Holidayblues31]

I’ve been with my partner for over three years. In all that time he’s refused to go on holiday with me. We live together, so no chance of secret second family etc.

I am disabled (but fully mobile so travelling not an issue) and going on holiday is a real treat and change of scene for me. I really love it, especially to sunny climates as I get very down and sick with every virus in the winter as I’m sure most of us do. I’ve suggested going away many times and every time he makes an excuse about money. He earns four times what I do and is in no way skint, just tight.

He has a hobby that takes up most of his free holiday time and will happily spend thousands on the hobby. He has made promises that he will go away with me but every time we set a window something to do with the hobby comes up and he prioritises that. He has flown several hours to take part in events so fear of flying or hatred of travelling is not the issue. I fully support him doing this and love that he has something he is passionate about.

This is the only bug bear in our relationship - he is a loving, thoughtful and usually generous person and I love him very much. I just want to go on holiday! I do get away with my parents but I’m sick of going away and spending lots of time alone as they both have their own health issues. It just feels like I have nobody to share travelling with and it makes me sad he doesn’t want to be a part of it. I don’t want to sound spoiled, it’s not a case of wanting a fancy holiday. I pay for myself and would happily go anywhere, even just for a weekend. I feel like he thinks it’s completely frivolous so won’t engage, then will spend hundreds on his hobby with no compromise. Maybe it is just the weather making me feel down but it’s suddenly really getting to me.

AIBU to be bothered by this? He has promised to try and get away next year but at this point I don’t believe him.

I'm afraid I'm like a PP, not interested in 'holidays' they seem like such a waste of time to me. I think you may have to accept that never the twain shall meet here. He just hasn't been brave enough to tell you the truth.

I have asked him before and I just get an answer that he wouldn’t mind going but not this holiday, not that holiday, not that much money, not these dates..

He has admitted that it isn’t a priority for him but I think laziness might play into it as well.

I know I shouldn’t compare us to others but seeing a Facebook feed full of couples on holiday just makes me feel sad. We have such a good time together, he’s my best mate and a total rock to me and I think he would ultimately enjoy a holiday that we chose together. He just won’t take the plunge.

Sorry if I don’t make sense, I’m feeling a bit fuzzy and emotional at the moment.

Then have a uk holiday that is within his £300 or under budget but not to see family.

My husband who I love dearly is not a traveller ( he tried once for me but was I. Cold sweats about the return journey ) I did a lot of holidays with friends still after that ( as I was a travel agent and holidays were my thing ) but over time I missed him too much. But there are fab places in the uk. We had a lovely holiday in a cottage in whiltshire ... your short drive from Roman baths/ longleat zoo / Salisbury and much more ... and you can do a Monday to Friday deal at the right time for about £250 ... had a little bbq for romantic wine and bbq time pub nearby etc....

Or there is Scotland some beautiful walks / history

Look at other ideas that give the break and change if scene elimant with the bonus of both enjoying aspects of it with chill time as a couple x

I’ve suggested a U.K. break and he said yes and it’s just never happened, I’ve tried to do research but everything I showed him was either the wrong time, the wrong price (£300 might have actually been a bit of an overstatement, more like £100). I’m also restricted to school holidays as I work at a school so it does make it harder to find cheap accommodation in holiday times.

I am like your DP. I find the whole holiday thing a massive fag and just another thing to worry about. I currently have no valid passport and am happy with that. A straightforward drive to a hotel for a few nights would be fine but it's all still a pain to have to think about and plan and the benefits never really outweigh the hassle in my mind. I'm always relieved to get home and feel like it's something I have endured rather than enjoyed. You might have to accept that he is this way and just plan accordingly OP.

If you don’t like holidays as such you can fill them with activities. There are amazing sightseeing holidays available, with very knowledgeable guides. They don’t have to be lazing on a beach.

It smacks of a massive lack of intellectual curiosity to me as well as no particular desire to spend time with his partner.

Yeah I think I will just have to accept that we don’t really match on this subject. I think it’s maybe that I just feel second choice when he’ll happily jump on a plane for four hours to do his hobby but we can’t even get away for a weekend. I knew that when we got together, he’s never hidden that. I think as thebyears have gone on I’ve just realised that we have different interests. This thread has really helped me see both sides so thank you

I’d just go on my own or with friends/family.

He clearly has no interest and there’s no point trying to force him.

Just do the things in life that you want to do and don’t rely on him to make you happy. He has his hobby, you can have your holiday. A bit of independence can be a good thing.

It's it that your ideas of s holiday don't mesh? You say you are exhausted after visiting his family and doing things every day. Some people like going on holiday to relax and lounge around, I can't think of anything worse than lying by a pool or on a beach all day, the kind of SIn destinations where it's not safe to leave the resort is my idea of hell, but others love them. luckily DH is the same as me and we often come back from holidays more tired than when we went by having had some amazing experiences, our days are packed and very active, we always hire a car, we dint do organised excursions etc and quite often get involved in sports and travel from one destination to another within a country or region rather than studying in one area for the whole trip. I would resent going on a package type holiday and would see it as a waste of money and annual eave

Singles holidays are your friend! (and mine). I'm off on a 5-day coach trip this morning, don't want to spend half-term rattling around at home. Like you, school holidays are good but limiting if you have a picky partner.

I'm not much of a holiday lover. My husband hankers after long lazy beach holidays and a couple of times over the years I've given in and agreed to go. Always wished I hadn't though. It's more of an ordeal than a holiday for me, the last few days just counting the hours until it's time to go home. There's only so much lying around and reading/local art galleries/historic sites I can do before my eyes glaze over. All these things, I 'really' love to do - but condensed into 2 weeks is too much for me to actually enjoy.
Is it the length of holiday you are suggesting that he finds challenging?

"seeing a Facebook feed full of couples on holiday just makes me feel sad."

I wouldn't let that influence you. People are hardly going to post pix of them looking pissed off on holiday. Doesn't mean the holidays are wall to wall bliss. Often the best bit is coming home.

As for pp who says it's lack of intellectual curiosity, that's pretty narrow minded. Arguably a person is thinking for themselves more not to follow the crowd, both metaphorically and actually - trailing a guide around tourism spots with a bunch of randoms is no sign of great intellect. Looking at things and being told things for me can't compare to doing things. As Green said, I'd travel anywhere for work or study with a point to it, but after traipsing around a few temples and museums, I lose the will to live. Detached from any deeper context, I might as well be reading the Wikipedia. And why should I have to fill my holiday week with activities because i didn't want to go there? Why don't I just go on a holiday where I can do the activities I enjoy? That is what the OP's partner is doing by pursuing his hobby. The idea that he will secretly 'ultimately enjoy' the holiday she wants, contradicts the very clear proof that he wouldn't. Or he'd do it.

I am baffled at the amount of people who say they hate holidays. Seems like an odd thing to hate! I LOVE going on holiday, especially abroad. Even a weekend at a Travelodge in the Lake District is nice. It's a break, a change of scenery, and just lovely. And you don't have to spend much.

I fear you are not compatible long-term OP. He may be 'generous in other ways' but this would be a massive deal breaker for me. Like if a man hated Christmas it would be 'see ya!' I know a few women with men who hate Christmas, and refuse to have a Christmas tree in the house! Unsurprisingly, they are miserable sods in general anyway, who love to suck the joy out of anything and everything.

You want to go on holiday - he doesn't. Why should his wishes trump yours? Don't go down this road of always doing what the MAN wants. As long as you are compliant, and doing everything HE wants, things will never change, and you will get more unhappy. The longer you are with him, the harder it will be to break free from him.

Start making changes now, and putting your foot down, and if he won't change, I would bin him quite honestly. He sounds selfish and self-serving. The fact he will happily jump on a plane for four hours, and spend multiple thousands on his 'hobby', but refuses to go on holiday with you, and makes excuses about how he 'can't afford it' is very telling, and lets you know what you're worth to him.

Good luck to you, but I don't envy you. I know what I would do.

And if you offer to pay?

Another person who doesn't love holidays. They're something that you save up for as your 'treat' for the year, that always ends up stressful and disappointing for me, so always feel a like a waste of money, and something I'm only doing because I 'should' do. Nothing to do with not wanting to spend my time with DP, it's not wanting to spend my time, and 'waste' my time off work doing that!
Would be perfectly happy to go on a UK weekend away in a nice Airbnb, so that I can still cook instead of enforced eating out for every single meal. So maybe do try that first, I know you've said you've suggested it, but try getting an inexpensive weekend away in UK booked as a first baby step

I have offered to pay but still the same. I know I can’t force him to go on holiday and I wouldn’t want to either. I’ve found a lovely cottage that I’ve sent him the link to that’s really cheap so we’ll see what happens. He sometimes says he doesn’t like the holidays I suggest which is absolutely fair enough but then when I ask him to find something he forgets or “can’t find anything” aka he hasn’t tried. I think this is just something we agree to disagree on. I still go away so I’m not missing out I would just love to go with him!

I think it’s maybe that I just feel second choice when he’ll happily jump on a plane for four hours to do his hobby but we can’t even get away for a weekend

Quite rightly and I would be wary someone who put his hobbies first.

From your POV it’s acfually a health benefit, and he can’t be bothered to do something positive for you.

That's what I was going to say. My dh doesn't like holidays he doesn't see the point thinks they are too much faff. I said it was really important he came away so I sorted everything and paid. Marriage is a compromise, I do stuff I'd not choose do as it makes him happy and he does the same. I mainly have holidays with other people to balance it all out

I’d be concerned that he hasn’t been willing to compromise. Not once. It seems to be all about what he wants. You’ve looked into many different options but he won’t budge. You’ve been exhausted visiting his family but he’s not willing to do one thing for you.

I get what people are saying about not liking holidays and finding them a waste of time but surely we all do things for outer partners we don’t like. Dh and I like different things, sometimes we’ll go together sometimes not.

"You want to go on holiday - he doesn't. Why should his wishes trump yours?"

Because his wish doesn't require anything of her. Her wish demands he does something he doesn't want to do.

And for those saying a holiday is a lovely break and a change of scene, that's fine if you want a break or change of scene. If you like what you're doing and like your scene and know you don't like the break/change to somewhere/something you don't like, then there's nothing lovely about it!

I'm in exactly the same position with dh. He holidays several times a year with his mates centred round his hobby.

Refuses to holiday with me. I think it could be the nail in the coffin for us.

It makes me angry that I'm missing out on holidays and travelling. I look at friends going on holidays with their partner and am jealous.

I have holidyed by myself and it isn't very nice. Nobody to talk to, have dinner with, etc.

Does he go to nice places for his hobby? Could you go too if there is a bit of a social scene?

I am baffled at the amount of people who say they hate holidays.

Holidays are one of my fav things! Always have been, some of my clearest and best memories are of being on holiday as a little child.

Ah Nico - shall we team up and go away together? 😂

I have holidayed completely alone when I was single - I found it lonely and missed having someone there. As I’ve said I wouldn’t mind going with friends but all of my friends holiday with their partners or are pregnant/saving for weddings. There is only my parents and I enjoy spending time with them but I really miss my boyfriend when I’m away and keep thinking how much I’d love him to see what I’m seeing.

He does like sight seeing and historical sites - we’ve talked about it in the past. And he has been on more than one holiday as an adult so I don’t think it’s a hatred of holidays

No, not nice places. I can’t really say the hobby as it’s ridiculously outing but it’s one that’s mainly done in crap hotel conference rooms in the arse end of nowhere.