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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sad he won’t go away with me?

120 replies

Holidayblues31 · 18/02/2019 07:15

I’ve been with my partner for over three years. In all that time he’s refused to go on holiday with me. We live together, so no chance of secret second family etc.

I am disabled (but fully mobile so travelling not an issue) and going on holiday is a real treat and change of scene for me. I really love it, especially to sunny climates as I get very down and sick with every virus in the winter as I’m sure most of us do. I’ve suggested going away many times and every time he makes an excuse about money. He earns four times what I do and is in no way skint, just tight.

He has a hobby that takes up most of his free holiday time and will happily spend thousands on the hobby. He has made promises that he will go away with me but every time we set a window something to do with the hobby comes up and he prioritises that. He has flown several hours to take part in events so fear of flying or hatred of travelling is not the issue. I fully support him doing this and love that he has something he is passionate about.

This is the only bug bear in our relationship - he is a loving, thoughtful and usually generous person and I love him very much. I just want to go on holiday! I do get away with my parents but I’m sick of going away and spending lots of time alone as they both have their own health issues. It just feels like I have nobody to share travelling with and it makes me sad he doesn’t want to be a part of it. I don’t want to sound spoiled, it’s not a case of wanting a fancy holiday. I pay for myself and would happily go anywhere, even just for a weekend. I feel like he thinks it’s completely frivolous so won’t engage, then will spend hundreds on his hobby with no compromise. Maybe it is just the weather making me feel down but it’s suddenly really getting to me.

AIBU to be bothered by this? He has promised to try and get away next year but at this point I don’t believe him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Holidayblues31 · 19/02/2019 20:13

I have to admit sometimes I worry it’s the start to a slippery slope but there aren’t any other red flags - he pays his way, treats me to stuff a lot, does his share of the housework, is very loving and we have great fun together. It’s only the holidays!!! It is bothering me though and I do need to think about my next step - not leaving him but how I would feel if it it never changes.

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 19/02/2019 22:09

I think you should be honest with him about that.

AgentJohnson · 20/02/2019 00:50

It isn’t only the holiday is it though? He makes promises he knows he will not keep and rather than be truthful, he engages (with your support) in this silly dance.

The balls in your court, either his reluctance to step out of his comfort zone once in a blue moon is a deal breaker, or not? But for God’s sake stop lying to yourself that his empty promises aren’t anything other than disrespectful.

EKGEMS · 20/02/2019 01:18

You keep posting how caring your husband is but to be totally honest an inflexible uncompromising partner in a relationship isn't caring and loving no matter how you spin it-in a truly good relationship you have to compromise because it takes two to tango. There are hobbies my husband has that bore me to tears but hey I know there's things I like he wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole but we compromise

OliviaBenson · 20/02/2019 06:18

It think the first step is that you need to accept that he's never going to change op. Not now, not when you have kids (in spite of what he says). He knows how much this bothers/upsets you, he just doesn't care.

rookiemere · 20/02/2019 06:53

He's not going to change if you have DCs, that's the bit you need to think about most.

Itsnotme123 · 20/02/2019 07:20

Lots of couples have one issue they don’t se eye to eye on, so I wouldn’t let it bother you too much, especially if your relationship is great in every other aspect.

I used to hate holidays, partly because it was such a hassle to get ready for them, but also my ex at the time would do nothing except relax when we got to the destination and I would be bored.

I really would find a holiday buddy if I were you, someone who has the same ideas about holidays as you have. You can still have a good relationship with your partner.

junebirthdaygirl · 20/02/2019 07:39

I would be concerned about how rigid he is. What about if he gets it into his head that he doesn't want to do something else. He sticks to his guns too much for me. Also you are letting him away with it.
Try forcing it more. Maybe a city break for a weekend. Push him hard. Say how much you want him to go. Or make it your birthday wish. If he refuses to back down l m8ght consider counselling where you might listen to a counsellor challenge him on his selfishness.
I am at the other end age wise. Looking at retirement and dh is already retired. If l thought l was heading into it with no chance of ever going on holiday due to his stubborness l would be very down. This is something that affects your whole life long term. I think you are very flexible around his hobby, around various destinations etc. You need more flexibility from him.

IncrediblySadToo · 20/02/2019 07:43

It would absolutely be a deal breaker for me, for several reasons.

I would find someone who has no interest in exploring (some) of the rest of the world seeing different countries, different ways of life, experiencing different climates and cultures really dull and small minded.

I’d find a partner who enjoys various activities (sightseeing etc) but doesn’t want to do them with ME, very hurtful. And relationship ending.

But most importantly, I’d find someone so bloody selfish totally incompatible.

He has unlimited funds for his hobby, but not for doing something with you.

He’s happy to go away to visit his family, but not yours.

He’s got unlimited options for a holiday doing things he’d enjoy, but he doesn’t want to go with you.

Even if it was something he thought he’d hate (which it wouldn’t be) he hadn’t ONCE put himself out to go FOR YOU. Not once. Not tried.

He’s a selfish prick, thinking he’ll be different when you have kids would be a MASSIVE mistake. Massive.

You’re young, for some reason you seem blinded by his selfishness & willing to spend your life with him because he ‘does his share’ around the house and treats you ok. You seem to be willing to overlook his selfishness and merely be upset by him not wanting to go on holiday...rather than what him not wanting to do something that makes you happy indicates. Iyswim.

He’s not the only fish in the sea.

NaturalBornWoman · 20/02/2019 08:07

Lots of couples have one issue they don’t se eye to eye on, so I wouldn’t let it bother you too much, especially if your relationship is great in every other aspect.

He spends all his spare cash, annual leave and social energy on pursuing his own interest and will not compromise with his partner or do something she would like and would be good for her wellbeing.

He's a selfish arse. Fine he seems perfectly affable and cooperative about the house etc. that's because he's living the exact life he wants. He's perfectly happy with it. Do not marry or have children with this man OP, it won't get better.

NicoAndTheNiners · 20/02/2019 08:32

Of course he will agree that the hobby will take a backseat when kids come. He's hardly going to say otherwise. Maybe he even believes it himself.

Problem is by the time you find out if he will change or not it's too late if he doesn't.

I judge people by their actions not their words and right now his actions are selfish ones which only prioritise himself.

SandyY2K · 20/02/2019 09:49

I'd stop asking him and go on keep going on your own as it's not a dealbreaker.

SandyY2K · 20/02/2019 09:52

I also doubt a hobby he spends this much time, effort and money on, will not impact family life when you have children. It's part of who he is.

Only then, you'll find it harder to pull the plug. Beware of being left with the kids as daddy is away (again) and you feel exasperated.

OfficeSlave · 20/02/2019 11:37

Its good you are going to talk seriously about this OP. His response and the actions he then takes will show you all you need to know. I really hope for you he actually listens.

I would worry his 'yes i know my hobby priorities will change when children come along' will be as stuck to as his agreement to look into a holiday and then lack of actually going through with it. Just telling you what you want to hear, then hoping or knowing he can ignore it in the future. 'yes dear' syndrome. Not really listening, knowing you will give up and shut up about it eventually.

LoniceraJaponica · 20/02/2019 12:37

I, too, would like to know what some of these all encompassing, time consuming and expensive hobbies these men have.

Everything else is second priority - partners, children etc. Why are some men so selfish that nothing will come between them and their "hobby"?

CatandtheFiddle · 20/02/2019 18:34

Chess?
Model railway building?
Mensa (boooooring to the max but a lot of men get a kick out of being able to tell you they’re MENSA members)
Dr Who Conventions?
Dress up historical re-enactment?

Original poster

Holidayblues31 · 20/02/2019 18:57

The closest (but no cigar) to my partner’s hobby would be the model railway one.

Thanks for all the replies - given me lots to think about but I would just say I have discussed this with him and he has acknowledged that he is BU so hopefully things will change. Currently on the sun £9.50 holiday website 😂

OP posts:

Arnoldthecat · 20/02/2019 19:06

As others have said, it all sounds a bit rigid to me. I think he should make an effort and seek to have a holiday with you from time to time. True it is not cast in stone that couples must holiday together. Partners of mine have been more than welcome to holiday on their own or with friends. Indeed,,the last time a partner went on holiday her friend was almost incredulous and asked her if arnold minded letting her go ? hahaaaa

Handay · 20/02/2019 19:22

Some people really just don't like holidays.

Tbh he sounds a lot like an ex of mine who also travelled a lot - for work, not hobby though, he was a musician. Like your partner, for my ex it was a complusion to do the thing he did - in his case, playing music. If that meant he had to travel then yes he'd travel, go on tours etc. But really he only did so in order to play music. It sounds like there's something similar going on here, in that he'll travel to do the thing that most occupies his mind. Because he's compartmentalized that kind of travel as an acceptable sacrifice to be able to do what he wants to do.

With my ex, it was more socially acceptable for him to do so because after all if you're a musician you tour and that's part of your job. So it looked like he was just doing what was necessary. When in fact all these abroad trips were just so that he could play music more, and playing music was a compulsion.

But he would never ever go on holiday with me. After one big showdown about an overseas wedding invitation which we could have easily afforded, he said he didn't see the point of holidays because all he would do was get bored and start wanting to play music, and if he couldn't then he'd find that frustrating.

Ofc like I say it's more socially acceptable for someone to say this about their work than about their hobby, but it's still intensely frustrating when you're a partner on the other end dealing with it.

In the end I just accepted it, that he didn't really have a concept of leisure time, and although we split up it was for other reasons. But I couldn't get him to change his mind. I think he was actually a bit HFA really.

M00vinBl00s · 21/02/2019 04:35

I love holidays and traveling. So I would suggest that you book a holiday with friend, family, alone or with a group. Even if it is just for a weekend. You can get really cheap deals if you book early or avoid all school holiday times. If it is important to you, then you must do it, because he does his hobby. Start looking at some options, you may find something that you hadn't thought about before, if you start researching

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