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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad he won’t go away with me?

120 replies

Holidayblues31 · 18/02/2019 07:15

I’ve been with my partner for over three years. In all that time he’s refused to go on holiday with me. We live together, so no chance of secret second family etc.

I am disabled (but fully mobile so travelling not an issue) and going on holiday is a real treat and change of scene for me. I really love it, especially to sunny climates as I get very down and sick with every virus in the winter as I’m sure most of us do. I’ve suggested going away many times and every time he makes an excuse about money. He earns four times what I do and is in no way skint, just tight.

He has a hobby that takes up most of his free holiday time and will happily spend thousands on the hobby. He has made promises that he will go away with me but every time we set a window something to do with the hobby comes up and he prioritises that. He has flown several hours to take part in events so fear of flying or hatred of travelling is not the issue. I fully support him doing this and love that he has something he is passionate about.

This is the only bug bear in our relationship - he is a loving, thoughtful and usually generous person and I love him very much. I just want to go on holiday! I do get away with my parents but I’m sick of going away and spending lots of time alone as they both have their own health issues. It just feels like I have nobody to share travelling with and it makes me sad he doesn’t want to be a part of it. I don’t want to sound spoiled, it’s not a case of wanting a fancy holiday. I pay for myself and would happily go anywhere, even just for a weekend. I feel like he thinks it’s completely frivolous so won’t engage, then will spend hundreds on his hobby with no compromise. Maybe it is just the weather making me feel down but it’s suddenly really getting to me.

AIBU to be bothered by this? He has promised to try and get away next year but at this point I don’t believe him.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/02/2019 10:43

This isn't going to change, is it a deal breaker?

Original poster
Holidayblues31 · 18/02/2019 11:10

Not a deal breaker but I think at the moment the idea of never going away with him makes me really sad. I wouldn’t let it stop me going away but I want to share it with him. I’ve been honest about how it makes me feel to him - it does make me feel like I’m not a priority because he will go away for one thing but not another, even if he chooses the place.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/02/2019 11:19

I do think it is very sad and it's actually selfish that there is no compromise from him over it. Think carefully about you will feel in 10 years when you are still in the same situation. If you have DC together and he still prioritises his hobby over family time etc.

CallipygianFancier · 18/02/2019 11:24

I don't dislike holidays, its always good to have a break - but being sat on a beach, or around a pool, or being penned in by a cruise ship or organised itinerary etc would drive me up the wall.
A holiday for me is going out exploring somewhere and just walking around a new place, stuff like that.

Original poster
Holidayblues31 · 18/02/2019 11:54

I completely get he doesn’t want to do stuff like a cruise or a lazy beach holiday - I would do that with someone else if I wanted to as I don’t see the point forcing him into something he won’t enjoy. But I would love to maybe go and visit some sites in the U.K. but there’s always his hobby in the way or the accommodation is too expensive etc etc

OP posts:
DontCallMeCharlotte · 18/02/2019 12:25

he’ll happily jump on a plane for four hours to do his hobby but we can’t even get away for a weekend

How does he justify it when you say that to him?

(also, does he make any kind of money/living from his "hobby"?)

Original poster
Holidayblues31 · 18/02/2019 12:28

Nope, no money. Honestly I’m happy for him to do it as I love that he has a passion and something he enjoys. I just wish there was a bit of a balance. He says I could have come but it didn’t work out/I knew that he wouldn’t have any time to spend together and when he came back he said I was right, there was no spare time and that we could do something else soon. That was last July.

OP posts:
Moondancer73 · 18/02/2019 21:16

So he can spend hundreds on his hobby but won't go on holiday with you? He sounds very thoughtless to me.

Purpleartichoke · 18/02/2019 21:30

Holidays aren’t his priority. He prefers to spend his leisure time and money on his hobby. There is nothing wrong with that.

You enjoy holidays. You just have to decide what you need regarding your relationship and travel. Are you ok going solo? Do you need him to commit to one trip every other year? Figure it out and ask if he can do that.

pinkdelight · 18/02/2019 22:42

Why on earth should he make money/a living from his hobby? Or justify why he does it? He does it because he likes it. Same reason people the world over play sport, drive vintage cars, do civil war reenactments, cosplay Star Trek and a zillion other passions. He's said she can join him which she hasn't, and he hasn't joined her on a holiday either. If the holiday need is so great then maybe they are incompatible, but that doesn't make his priorities wrong.

poglets · 18/02/2019 22:49

I would be going on holiday by myself and / or with friends. Never sit at home waiting.

I also wouldn't count visiting his family as any kind of 'couple getaway'. In fact, I would be saving my energy and going far less to those.

Your partner is selfish to refuse you at every turn.

NicoAndTheNiners · 18/02/2019 23:05

Holidays aren’t his priority

And neither is his wife.

That's the issue for me, that dh isn't prepared to compromise and come on the occasional holiday. I'm happy to compromise and do holidays he would like. Ok, I can't do his hobby (think very dangerous extreme sport) but he likes walking.

I actually go away in the U.K. on my own a couple of times a year to go hill walking. I bought a caravan and tow it myself. Dh likes walking but then claimed he doesn't like caravans so wouldn't come, but he wouldn't pay out for a holiday cottage even though he's loaded as he's tight. He also sneers saying I'd walk too slow/spend all my time in tea shops (not true).

I said to him the other week that I'd like to go to Yosemite and go hiking. He said it was full of Americans and bears. But I know he's been hiking in America before he met me. I think he may have been to Yosemite actually, I know he's been to Yellowstone and Colorado and the rockies. So he's had all these great experiences and I haven't.

I said to him last year that I'd like to do the coast to coast walk. Turns out he's already done that, ditto the pennine way and the SW coast path. So I mention the great glen way and he changes the subject......I know he doesn't want to come because a weeks annual leave on a holiday with me is a waste of a weeks leave he could use with his mates..

That's what pisses me off.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 18/02/2019 23:07

pinkdelight

Of course people can devote time and money to their hobbies - but is it right to do it to the detriment of their relationships? Most people who indulge in the sort of "hobby" that regularly takes them round the world are competing at a fairly high level which might offer prize money and which might justify making his partner so unhappy. If my DH was depriving us of joint holidays for any of the lame reasons he's coming out with, I would need some valid justification.

OP whether or not pinkdelight and I agree is irrelevant. I personally think you need to change the angle of your approach: it's less about the holidays and more about how little regard he has for your happiness and what is (normally) an important part of relationships and if he still doesn't give you the answers you're after, then you have some decisions to make.

Or can you take up the hobby too? Grin

Gina2012 · 18/02/2019 23:16

I’m restricted to when I take holiday and my holiday and the hobby didn’t line up, I was planning on going and it didn’t work.

So make it work next time

Then you get a holiday WITH him and he won't mind spending money on a holiday because it relates to his hobby

BadLad · 19/02/2019 00:54

I'm dying to know what this hobby is.

Original poster
Holidayblues31 · 19/02/2019 06:38

I really can’t say the hobby as it’s really obscure and so this would show up on google, plus he’s probably one of the only people who does it who has a girlfriend rather than a wife so I’d be outed in seconds 😂 I can’t do it as it’s very technical and I don’t have the skills.

I understand it’s his priority and I do fully support him doing it. I have told him (I’m very honest about my feelings, I don’t play games) that I feel he prioritises it over me and that sometimes when he is away I feel like he is so absorbed in it he doesn’t contact me and I feel a bit abandoned.

I do go away (to pp’s whove said to go without him) but we’re early 30s and lots of my friends can’t go away due to life stuff so I’m really limited. I love going away with my parents but I just love sharing stuff with my boyfriend too!

I think eventually we will go away but he’s said it isn’t a priority for him but he does see that he needs to make time for stuff that I would like to do and we can pick a holiday we both agree on. I’m not trying to force him into a holiday he would hate, I want to choose one together. Plus he has definitely been on holiday before so it isn’t a case of him hating them, they just aren’t a priority as pp have said.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holidayblues31 · 19/02/2019 06:39

Also about going with him - I can’t take holiday outside term time and the long events abroad are outside of term time. I tried going for a weekend but he didn’t have time at the weekends and said it wasn’t worth going

OP posts:
Thindragon · 19/02/2019 06:52

I'm trying to think of a dangerous extreme sport that can be done in a hotel conference room.

OliviaBenson · 19/02/2019 06:57

What would happen if you just booked a weekend away as a birthday present or something?

This would be a huge issue for me. He's not willing to meet you half way at all is he?

Gina2012 · 19/02/2019 07:02

Gosh. You're in your early 30's ?

Is this holiday v hobby malarkey a deal breaker for you or can you suck it up for the rest of your life?

I honestly thought you were in your 60's reading your previous posts 😳

If this one issue is making you so unhappy get out and start again

You're so young - don't ruin your life (if this is ruining your life)

NicoAndTheNiners · 19/02/2019 07:05

It was me with the dh doing a dangerous, extreme sport. Not the OP.

RandomMess · 19/02/2019 07:08

In 15 years time when is hobby is still prioritised over everything you would like to do or spend money on, believe me it will have become a dealbreaker...

MaybeitsMaybelline · 19/02/2019 07:15

It’s Dungeons and Dragons or similar I suspect.

BadLad · 19/02/2019 07:15

Missed the bit about the hotel conference room.

Was going to ask if it was underwater wrestling.

DanglyBangly · 19/02/2019 07:17

Are you planning children with this guy one day? What will happen then about his hobby and family time, and family holidays?

Think carefully!

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