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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want friend to come on holiday?

116 replies

BasinHaircut · 17/02/2019 17:58

Group of couples been friends for years. Within this group we do not always do everything together as there are a variety of incomes among other factors such as living near each other or not etc. All have kids apart from one couple.

Anyway, 3 of the couples/families (including us) have booked a summer holiday together. Not something we have done before. We did not invite any of the other couples because either they don’t fly/couldn’t afford it/it’s very much a ‘family’ holiday that doesn’t really appeal to a couple, and IMO would therefore change the holiday dynamic. They are big drinkers.

Anyway, since we booked, the female of the couple with no kids has expressed an interest in coming along. Her husband has no interest but has said to her that he is happy if she wants to go alone and apparently she is thinking about it.

AIBU to not want her to come? She hasn’t actually been invited for one thing, and secondly this will still change the dynamic of the holiday. It goes from being 3 couples/families to a group holiday. If there is any desire to spend time apart from each other as individual families then she would be left out so that can’t happen.

I’m a bit pissed off at the assumption that this is ok. AIBU?

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 17/02/2019 18:04

It doesn't sound you like her much. There is already a group of you going. Could she not do things with a family if they are visiting somewhere she would like to go. Surely she knows the holiday will be about hanging out with the kids and not long boozy lunches etc.

Where are you going?

LIZS · 17/02/2019 18:04

Do all 3 have children in tow?

itsbetterwithoutyou · 17/02/2019 18:07

Tell her 'great you'll be able to baby sit for us all when we go out'
That'll put her off Grin

hopeishere · 17/02/2019 18:10

Well she might be happy doing her own thing as well so I'd not worry about that.

You're maybe overthinking it a bit. Doesn't sound like that much of a big deal.

bluetheskyis · 17/02/2019 18:10

What’s the issue? She’s going to be on her own, everyone else will be family focused, doing family stuff so she either does that or goes off on her own.

IDoN0tCare · 17/02/2019 18:11

Good grief, you sound so nasty. Im sure that poor woman would be gutted to realise that she was being judged for not having children.

Loseitandkeepitlost · 17/02/2019 18:17

It would change the dynamic because she doesn’t have a child?

I’m assuming you won’t spend huge amounts of time apart as if that were the case you wouldn’t be going on holiday together! I can’t see why it’s bothering you so much, I’m sure she’s also capable of spending time alone.

Crunchymum · 17/02/2019 18:23

Have to agree you don't sound like you think much of this woman.

Hopefully if she does go, the other 2 families are nicer than you are OP.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 17/02/2019 18:25

It’s a bit cocky of her to assume she’s invited. However, can you realistically say no without causing a rift?

Maybe you should be a little more gentle about it. Ask her if she’s sure she won’t be bored on her own while you’re all busy with the kids, without her husband there. She may decide it’s not worth the bother.

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 17/02/2019 18:25

I realise this makes me sound like a right bitch to be fair, but really I’m not and I do like this person, she is one of my oldest friends. BUT it’s hard to explain but she is a very ‘larger than life’ character and can be over bearing. If she came she wouldn’t be looking to spend any time alone. Conversations would all be dominated by her, and this would be even more so by account of her coming solo rather than part of a couple.

Is it that horrible to not want someone to come on holiday with you? As I say we are part of a group of couples and don’t do everything together all the time. This is no different, 3 of us have booked to go away together. FWIW she and her DH have booked to go away later in the year with 2 other couples and not invited us.

OP posts:
PinkSmitterton · 17/02/2019 18:26

Well it's obviously rude if you haven't actually invited her but as the childless couple in my group of friends, I would fully expect that this holiday would be child focused and be perfectly happy to spend time doing my own thing if families went off together.

If she wants e.g. to stay up late drinking, surely you can just leave her to it if you'd rather not?

Equally if you'd rather she didn't come I would just be honest about it now rather than let it drag on and get more awkward

PinkSmitterton · 17/02/2019 18:27

Ah, X post!

I would nip it in the bud now then. Do other couples going feel the same?

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 17/02/2019 18:32

If she’s an old friend then surely the larger than life personna has been pointed out to her before?
Can’t you just be honest and tell her you love her to bits but it’s a low key family event otherwise you would have invited her. You can always say it’s a bit like when she goes on holiday later on with other people if she gets a bit insistent.

Jaxhog · 17/02/2019 18:34

Tell her 'great you'll be able to baby sit for us all when we go out'
That'll put her off
I like that!

Seriously though, why would she assume she can come if you didn't invite her? Just tell her arrangements have now all been made, and it's a family (as in KIDS) holiday, and she doesn't have kids. I don't think this is mean, it's just how you wanted it to be.

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2019 18:37

I don't really understand this to be honest. You say you like her as she's one of your oldest friends, but then proceed to be unpleasant about her, after claiming for ridiculous reasons why you don't want her there.

Really just own it, you're being a bitch.

Of course she can do things on her own, of course she can spend time with other couples of you and yours are doing something alone.

So as said, just own it. I'd however examine why you're behaving like this to someone you claim to be a friend of. Because your posts would Indicate you're no such thing,

Springwalk · 17/02/2019 18:39

As part of the group surely it is an open invitation? That is why she assumed she would be welcome. I can’t see why you wouldn’t invite her....not having a child is a terrible excuse and would be incredibly hurtful.

You say you like her, but you don’t. You describe her in a vey negative way. Overbearing is not a compliment generally.
You risk a serious and permanent rift by excluding her, and you may find others see it as an act of unkindness and may see you in a totally different light. I would tread carefully if you value the group.

CircleofWillis · 17/02/2019 18:40

Please don't say that it is a family (as in kids) holiday and she doesn't have kids. It took many many years for me to have children of my own and I would have been devastated if I was told this. It also suggests you are not a real family if you can't have chidren. Also I loved being around my nieces and nephews and friends' children. Just say it is going to be low key with little drinking early nights etc.

Do the other two couples feel the same way as you?

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2019 18:40

Also , how does everyone else feel? Do they want her to come? Because right now it's not your call. And if everyone else is happy for her to come bar you, then your true feelings about her are about to become very well known,

Aridane · 17/02/2019 18:41

Yes, you do sound bitchy - however, I do understand about changing the dynamic potentially and would suggest you say it's a family focussed holiday . What do the other two,couples think?

Stickywhitelovepiss · 17/02/2019 18:43

Just tell her it's a family holiday this time. Job done.

HaventGotAllDay · 17/02/2019 18:43

If she's one of your oldest friends, I dread to think how you talk about people who aren't.

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2019 18:44

Just say it is going to be low key with little drinking early nights

It would be very inadvisabke for her to do this if the other couples wished her to be there. This is not the ops holiday, it's a group holiday, and that changes how much she can control.

If she starts telling people they can't come, and the others want her to come, she's going to find her self wishing she'd kept her mouth shut.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 17/02/2019 18:48

It’s not being a bitch. Doesn’t everyone have friends that are good in some circumstances but less so in others?
Op is just saying how her friend is. They wouldn’t be friends if their wasn’t things about her she likes. They just don’t translate to this holiday.

SuperSara · 17/02/2019 18:51

I have to say, OP, you sound like the bossy mean girl in the playground who wants to decide who can play with whom.

Really doesn’t sound as though you like this ‘friend’ much. Especially with the drip feed about her personality.

SpanielEars070 · 17/02/2019 18:53

I can see what you mean about it changing the dynamic, but looking at the positives, you already have 4 other adults for company, surely 1 more doesn't make a massive difference. She'll have her own room and space from you all, and I'd just make sure you are all on board with her not dominating the plans if she's larger than life as you say.