To not want friend to come on holiday?

[BasinHaircut]

Group of couples been friends for years. Within this group we do not always do everything together as there are a variety of incomes among other factors such as living near each other or not etc. All have kids apart from one couple.

Anyway, 3 of the couples/families (including us) have booked a summer holiday together. Not something we have done before. We did not invite any of the other couples because either they don’t fly/couldn’t afford it/it’s very much a ‘family’ holiday that doesn’t really appeal to a couple, and IMO would therefore change the holiday dynamic. They are big drinkers.

Anyway, since we booked, the female of the couple with no kids has expressed an interest in coming along. Her husband has no interest but has said to her that he is happy if she wants to go alone and apparently she is thinking about it.

AIBU to not want her to come? She hasn’t actually been invited for one thing, and secondly this will still change the dynamic of the holiday. It goes from being 3 couples/families to a group holiday. If there is any desire to spend time apart from each other as individual families then she would be left out so that can’t happen.

I’m a bit pissed off at the assumption that this is ok. AIBU?

I agree with Atalune.

@NannyOgg

Yes probably although I didn't invite her to stay with us - just at a campsite nearby and with her partner - she was really having an awful time and it didn't occur to me people would mind as much as they did because we're all very close and generally nice and kind people.

I do have a bit of a problem with just wanting to make people feel better without necessarily thinking about the consequences of what I am saying/doing though... I honestly never thought it would turn into such a drama. Anyway - it all worked out ok, I should have checked first - but I also don't think what I did was too bad as I was just trying to do a nice thing for a friend.

I get you OP, it's hard enough keeping your own family happy without taking someone else into consideration. Evenings are likely to be tricky. With young DCs it will be about having early dinner and bedtime whereas she will likely want to eat later and have a few drinks.

I don't know what the answer is - if you say something to her you're the horrible person. I think you just have to let it go, but if she brings up girlie nights out or plans for the holiday I'd make it very clear that you're planning to spend all of it as a family.

If she comes that's fine. Options are to come to the soft play area with you all or have some solo time. Don't let her splinter the group. I've had some great hols with other families but it wouldn't have worked if we'd ended up having to babysit others' DC.

"there will always be someone with completely different requirements to consider."
"Why do I have to compromise on the type of holiday I want or put up with it becoming more difficult"

You don't have to compromise. You speak to the other couples, ask what they are planning and you put this to your Friend.

You don't "consider her requirements", she's opted to come.

You be clear on your plans. There's nothing wrong with asking her if she's really sure she wants to spend her time/money, when it's not usually her thing. Or what she's looking forward to doing.

Then shut down any suggestions of any alternative plans.

Make it clear to her she'll be left on her own if each of the families decide to go off and do separate things for the day.

So there are 6 couples in your group

You and two others on holiday

Friend and hubby with no kids

Two other couples - who above couple are going away with later in the year to adult hotel

Who has their children or going alone ?

Yes it’s mean of you op to not want your childless friend to go away with you

Maybe she wants a quiet relaxing break with early nights

Just mention to her that obv she is welcome but it’s is a kid based holiday and will be doing age appropriate activities and early nights

To thr poster who commented on her childless friend coming to kids party - you are ungrateful

And if you wanted hubbys help you should have said to him , have dd while I look after ds etx

Basically she's loud , gobby and overbearing and your not paying for a holiday to get way and have peace and listen to her ... I have a mate like that ... to over the top .... end of the day just say it how it is ..... rather toner it down as your not
Going away to listen to her all week .. or jog on

blondes there are 9 couples in our group. They are going away with 1 couple whose DC are now young adults and so are able to be left at home, and another who has shared custody of (tween age) DC so presumably they will be with their other parent(s) I don’t know, but they are definitely not going on the holiday.

I completely get you OP.

I holiday with a few other families. I would not holiday with all of my friends. There are plenty of people I know whose company I enjoy, say, at a party or in a pub, doesn't mean I want to spend every day with them for two weeks.

I get it OP. And I have friends who are also larger than life. They are great in small doses and I love them but it exhausting to be around them more than that.
And to the person who mentioned it's better to be larger than life than boring you are conflating two separate things. Some of the most fascinating people I have met have been quiet and reserved and wonderfully eccentric. You can also be a loud bore. Having a big personality doesn't mean it's interesting.

I've read the thread and I'm wondering why you haven't contacted the others who are going on this holiday to discuss the mutual friend coming along? Have they had any suggestions on what to do/say to her?
Perhaps, as her DH has already said that he doesn't want to come along for the holiday as there will be kids there, you could ask her to confirm that she is more than happy to join you on holidays by herself, but you want to make clear to her before she pays for anything (flights/accommodation etc.) that this is a family-centric holiday with kids at the centre, so their demands are going to be sorted first and foremost. That will mean up early, doing activities, supervising visits to the pool, no late nights, no massive drinking sessions, not as many visits to the pub as she might like etc. and explain that this isn't going to change when you get to your destination. This is to ensure that she can't complain when you get there that you didn't do X, Y and Z that she thought you might.
If she is happy to do the late nights/visits to the pubs etc. by herself like you would do on an adults only holiday, then she is more than welcome to join you all.

Best of luck with it. Hopefully the other families might have some different suggestions to make about how to ensure that she is going to be happy on the holiday by herself but with the families.

Some people would be totally fine to go on their own. Relax in the sun, go off and do their own thing with a side smattering of having three other families there to spend some time with.

Maybe she really wants a chill out holiday and doesn’t have anyone else who will go (if DH isn’t keen and her other friends party)

Only you know what her motivations are OP.

Might be worth being upfront and saying “hey you know you mentioned the holiday? It is going to be pretty focused on the children and not a fun adult centric holiday. Lots of sandcastles and early meals. Is this what you had in mind?”

We have a friend like this but is single, no kids, who always wants to be centre of attention and throws hissyfits when the attention isn't on her. Example, one of our friends has twins and when we are out we always get stopped and asked about them as they are terribly cute, said friend can't stand it or to be interrupted during talkin about herself, starts gettin narky and then 'now let's get back to me' and carries on her awful drone. (I question why I'm friends with her, we all do but have been friends 20 years)

Is ur friend one of those? If so, I get it. However do you want to look like the instigator and bitch to other friends? They might tell her or infact leave you out of the next holiday away...

However if she isn't like my friend, how about takin a step back? You sound like the organiser and the boss of this but if I was you I'd concentrate on myself, hubby and kids havin a great time. If friend is on her own make sure u don't get stuck with her and keep out of arrangements and use the kids as an excuse 'oh sorry we've got this planned... DS/DD is throwing tantrum so we're goin here' etc... There are ways around it if u don't want said friend around 🤷🏽‍♀️

I think you are getting a hard time OP, recognising that people are different doesn’t mean you don’t like them. I am part of a group and there is one member who simply doesn’t mesh well on her own with some of the others, with her husband and as couples socialising she is grand...by herself with certain others it’s a nightmare. I am very fond of her and wouldn’t hurt her for the world but I do from time to time sigh inwardly when she elects to join a plan that I know full well she won’t enjoy, will complain about and generally change the dynamic. It’s hard as excluding one person IS mean when you have an established group, I don’t see that you can do anything other than suck it up or risk your friendship.

I don't really get why 1 extra adult coming will 'totally change the dynamic' of your holiday. You, your family & the other 2 families can just carry on & have the holiday you were always intending to have - your friend will either join in with stuff or not. It's not like you're relying on her for anything, so even if she lounges by the pool all day, not lifting a finger & stays up all evening drinking etc, how will that affect the rest of you? If anything, she'll be the one likely feeling awkward - you'll all be child focused & have your partners with you, while she'll be alone. There are 6 of you 'couple' adults vs 1 of her so you just need to be strong & not let her change what you were planning on doing.