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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want friend to come on holiday?

116 replies

BasinHaircut · 17/02/2019 17:58

Group of couples been friends for years. Within this group we do not always do everything together as there are a variety of incomes among other factors such as living near each other or not etc. All have kids apart from one couple.

Anyway, 3 of the couples/families (including us) have booked a summer holiday together. Not something we have done before. We did not invite any of the other couples because either they don’t fly/couldn’t afford it/it’s very much a ‘family’ holiday that doesn’t really appeal to a couple, and IMO would therefore change the holiday dynamic. They are big drinkers.

Anyway, since we booked, the female of the couple with no kids has expressed an interest in coming along. Her husband has no interest but has said to her that he is happy if she wants to go alone and apparently she is thinking about it.

AIBU to not want her to come? She hasn’t actually been invited for one thing, and secondly this will still change the dynamic of the holiday. It goes from being 3 couples/families to a group holiday. If there is any desire to spend time apart from each other as individual families then she would be left out so that can’t happen.

I’m a bit pissed off at the assumption that this is ok. AIBU?

OP posts:

Hairyporker · 17/02/2019 22:02

They should kick you off the holiday and take your friend.

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2019 22:12

Just tell her that you are having a family holiday and the others are doing the same

But it's not a family holiday iis it, and she doesn't get to speak for thr group, she says one other couple feel the same, the others are indifferent, aka, fine with it, so she needs to work out if she feels more strongly against her coming than the other couple and if they will speak up. If not, she's on her own and she's the bad guy,

But again this is seemingly someone she likes, one of her oldest friends, and that's really unpleasant whichever way you cut it.

Original poster

BasinHaircut · 17/02/2019 23:06

I’m not going to say anything. If she wants to come she will come and the dynamic will change.

I can see that it makes me look mean to not want a friend to come on holiday with me even though I’m going with other friends, and thanks to the PP who said they had been in a similar situation and it turned out fine that is reassuring.

I can’t personally understand why someone would want to go on this holiday without their DH, with 3 families that would be, as some people have said, be getting up early, eating early, not staying up late, dealing with tantrums and tiredness, having to go to playgrounds and supervising kids in pools etc not having nice chilled out days and long relaxing dinners.

Same reason why I’m sure we haven’t been invited on this friends other holiday. It’s an adult-centred holiday that wouldn’t really work with kids in tow. That’s fine and I am not upset that I haven’t been invited, I understand why that group have decided to holiday together. It wouldn’t occur to me to invite myself and my DC just because I didn’t want to miss out. I don’t think my friends mean for not inviting us.

OP posts:

Emeraldshamrock · 18/02/2019 00:51

I can’t personally understand why someone would want to go on this holiday without their DH
To relax, enjoy those early lunches and dinners.
I personally can't understand why it should bother you, or why you are so judgmental and mean.
I went away with family and friends with DC for years before I had my own, it was always relaxing and someone was always up if I needed a late night.
Are you worried she will ruin the dynamics and keep someones out late?

Ribbonsonabox · 18/02/2019 01:05

I'd be unhappy with it because I have a single friend who has no children who sometimes invites herself to stuff I do with other couples with kids...
For example she came to my sons birthday party and was the only single person there as well as childless person... I was busy dealing with my two children on my own the entire time because she engaged my husband in conversation for the duration... with no heed to the fact I might need any help with two young children... she even suggested to him that they go over the road for coffee at one point! (Obviously he didnt go but wtf?)
I like her a lot but she doesn't really get it... she doesn't realise how draining and stressful it can be watching young children all day so shes there trying to have these adult convos with you that you have to focus on to follow but you are also trying to keep an eye on your kids... it's actually really tiring

I'd feel like you about it OP because I'm quite passive and I know it would be me who wouldn't be able to leave her on her own... so itd be me who got no alone time with my husband whilst everyone else spent time as couples.. or itd be me trying to watch two kids on my own whilst she tried to have long involved convos with my husband.,.

I mean I dont know if your friend is this type of person or not but the fact she hasn't actually thought to herself 'oh everyone else is in a couple with kids it might not be a great thing to join in with'sort of implies that she is that type of person to me..

I dont know why pp cant understand that you may see a bit of a flaw in someone you actually like alot.

My friend is very intense and can be overbearing but I do love her very much. I imagine ops friend might be similar... and i can see that it is a very bad dynamic to have on a holiday where only couples and families are going to be.

Hannahmates · 18/02/2019 06:10

YABU. If the other couples are ok with her coming along then it's fine for her to come along. Even if she doesn't have kids she can still participate in family activities. You sound like you judge her a lot and don't really like her. You sure she's your "friend"? Go ahead and tell her what you said here and you'll never have this problem again. She won't be your friend anymore.

MyOtherProfile · 18/02/2019 06:24

I can’t personally understand why someone would want to go on this holiday without their DH, with 3 families

Presumably because she thinks you're all friends and she wants to hang out with you all?

I think it would be worth checking she understands how the holiday will work out but in a kind way, not to put her off but just so that she is informed. It's possible she hasn't holidayed with kids since she was one herself.

GoFiguire · 18/02/2019 06:30

Tell her she can go in your place then you get to stay home alone and you can have a real holiday!

MindatWork · 18/02/2019 06:36

Sorry to derail but wow @Ribbonsonabox, you sound horrible. How dare your childless friend make the effort to come to your child’s birthday party and make conversation with people! 🙄 If you needed your husband’s help, you should have said something at the time instead of being a martyr about it.

Childless people can’t do right for doing wrong on here sometimes

JenniferJareau · 18/02/2019 06:47

If she does go, well in advance you need to make clear the type of holiday it is. The types of places you will be visiting etc.

For all you know she might think you will stick your kids in a kids club and spend the afternoons drinking by the pool.

OhMyHolyCrap · 18/02/2019 06:48

What are you doing that's "couple exclusive"? Swinging?

Original poster

BasinHaircut · 18/02/2019 07:18

I can’t personally understand why someone would want to go on this holiday without their DH, with 3 families

To the people who have highlighted this bit of my last post and countered - if this was the type of holiday she wanted then why haven’t we and the other 2 couples I’ve booked a holiday with been invited on her other holiday that is adults only?

Regardless of us all being friends and therefore some of you think she should automatically be welcome on this holiday, it WILL change the dynamic. It’s nothing to do with how much I like this person or a criticism of her not having any children, anymore that her not inviting us on her holiday is a criticism of us having children.

OP posts:

Oblomov19 · 18/02/2019 07:24

"I'm not a bitch".
Then you proceed to list all the qualities of your 'larger than life' 'closest friend' that you don't like.

You don't like her.
And yes. You are being incredibly bitchy.

Fiveredbricks · 18/02/2019 07:33

I'm with you OP. Avoid giving her details and don't entertain any conversation about it. Just keep saying the holiday is for the kids. If she still manages to come along somehow then do your own thing when there.

Crockof · 18/02/2019 07:33

I don't think you are being a bitch but I do think you need to be clear to friend exactly what holiday will be like.

BackInTime · 18/02/2019 07:43

I am not keen on holidays with other families and their kids as I find it can get a bit tense at times when kids argue or when there are different parenting styles. Then there’s the stress of always trying to fit in with everything everyone else wants to do. It is just too stressful and not my idea of a holiday. Why anyone without kids would want to do this is beyond me.

He11y · 18/02/2019 07:48

I can see it will change the dynamic a little but I also think you are more hung up on her having another holiday booked with friends than you say as you mention it an awful lot for something that you aren’t at all bothered by.

Although, maybe you’re a little envious that she’ll get two holidays or you feel she doesn’t actually need this one rather than you’re put out by not being invited on the other holiday. FWIW, I think children joining an adult holiday is a bigger deal than an adult joining a family holiday so the two aren’t comparable.

If she’ll come anyway and you’re not prepared to say anything then you have two choices: suck it up and enjoy your holiday or quietly moan and allow your resentment to spoil it for you.

YABU for pinning the outcome of your holiday onto her when she doesn’t even know she isn’t welcome.

Original poster

BasinHaircut · 18/02/2019 08:07

It’s nothing to do with not being invited on the other holiday except to demonstrate that that is ok, so her not having been invited on this one is ok too. She is not thinking about coming because it’s the only chance she has for a holiday this year, it’s most likely because she doesn’t like to miss out.

If she was single and had no other opportunities for a holiday at all then to be honest we probably would have made different holiday plans and invited her (and others) along. But as it stands she has a husband and and plenty of other holiday opportunities.

Her DH doesn’t want to come apparently as he doesn’t fancy a holiday with a load of kids. Absolutely fine, I’d be the same. 100%. If he wanted to come then they could do their own thing together when we are all limited by the children. But if she comes solo then there will always be someone with completely different requirements to consider.

OP posts:

OVienna · 18/02/2019 08:07

Typical over the top responses to the OP on here. And as for the poor woman whose friend invited her husband to go across the road for a coffee for a chat during their child's birthday party who got slammed for saying she was annoyed by that .

There are friends I love spending time with in most contexts but wouldn't go on holiday with or would structure it in a certain way ( type of activity, length of time etc) to avoid aggro.

(I'm basically over holidays with anyone apart from my immediate family, though, to be fair.)

If she is the sort of person who would expect everyone to bend to her will regardless I think I'd be the one pulling out though.

Gentlemanwiththistledownhair · 18/02/2019 08:22

I don't think your mean or being a bitch. But plenty on this thread are.

Women get so much stick (especially on here) for being a doormat and letting things happen to them that they don't want. Yet when they do say what they want, you're a "bitch".

I bet if you'd come on and phrased the issue differently, you'd get very different answers...

Gentlemanwiththistledownhair · 18/02/2019 08:23

Sorry, I mean "when you do say what you want, you're a bitch"

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2019 08:25

it’s most likely because she doesn’t like to miss out

Ok there is clearly something you're not articulating here, you desperately don't want her to come, and you come across like you dislike her intently.

You know as well as everyone reading this, that this holiday won't simply be about kids and no adult conversation or time together, so it's down to why exactly you desperately don't want her to come.

What's the real reason?

BIWI · 18/02/2019 08:31

I totally get where you're coming from. We have a group of friends, all of whom are lovely in their own ways, but the types of holiday I would be prepared to go on varies according to each couple. We all have different preferences, and going away with one couple in particular, means things have to be planned very carefully to keep them happy - which makes going away with them quite stressful!

But ultimately, if you're staying in a hotel, then there's not much you can do to prevent her coming if she wants to. Don't worry about her changing the dynamic, because it sounds to me like she's the one who will have to make the decision about being involved or not.

Original poster

BasinHaircut · 18/02/2019 08:38

Maybe I’m not articulating properly then.

She has the ‘fear of missing out’ to the point where she HAS to be everywhere. Her personality is larger than life and she dominates social situations.

She doesn’t do alone time and so she wouldn’t come and do her own thing - meaning someone always has to accommodate her. She is one of those friends that comes over for a coffee at 2pm and if she has no other plans, unless you kick her out she will stay until late at night meaning you have to try and do kids bedtime around her, stretch dinner to feed her etc.

Pre-kids this was fine but it’s not now and she just doesn’t get it. I can’t say that to her as I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings about not having kids.

She booked a grown up holiday with other couples with no kids/grown up kids to suit her - perfect and affects me not one jot. We booked a holiday with other people who are at that same life stage as us and will be looking for the same type of holiday. Perfect.

Solo woman as described above coming along changes that holiday to something we did not arrange.

Why do I have to compromise on the type of holiday I want or put up with it becoming more difficult just because my friend doesn’t have children YET but in all other ways has a lovely life?

OP posts:

Vulpine · 18/02/2019 08:41

I wouldn't want to go on a holiday with people and their kids in those circumstances

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