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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want friend to come on holiday?

116 replies

BasinHaircut · 17/02/2019 17:58

Group of couples been friends for years. Within this group we do not always do everything together as there are a variety of incomes among other factors such as living near each other or not etc. All have kids apart from one couple.

Anyway, 3 of the couples/families (including us) have booked a summer holiday together. Not something we have done before. We did not invite any of the other couples because either they don’t fly/couldn’t afford it/it’s very much a ‘family’ holiday that doesn’t really appeal to a couple, and IMO would therefore change the holiday dynamic. They are big drinkers.

Anyway, since we booked, the female of the couple with no kids has expressed an interest in coming along. Her husband has no interest but has said to her that he is happy if she wants to go alone and apparently she is thinking about it.

AIBU to not want her to come? She hasn’t actually been invited for one thing, and secondly this will still change the dynamic of the holiday. It goes from being 3 couples/families to a group holiday. If there is any desire to spend time apart from each other as individual families then she would be left out so that can’t happen.

I’m a bit pissed off at the assumption that this is ok. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
BasinHaircut · 17/02/2019 18:54

I’m not going to tell her she can’t come and I would NEVER say it’s because she doesn’t have kids/isn’t a ‘family’ etc.

Without a whole complicated backstory it’s difficult to explain why I don’t want her to come without sounding like a massive twat (which I appreciate I do!)

Of the other couples, one I know feels the same as me but the other is probably indifferent about it in theory.

I won’t say anything she will either come or she won’t depending on what she decides but I can’t help but feel I’d like her not to come.

OP posts:
chocatoo · 17/02/2019 18:55

Maybe she’s a bit lonely and would like to be included? She would need to understand that it’s going to based round the kids and that she’d be expected to fit in, but she might be a useful extra pair of hands?

WinterfellWench · 17/02/2019 19:00

Yeah don't invite her.

She doesn't need 'friends' like you.

Hellywelly10 · 17/02/2019 19:02

Are they the only couple from your group that have been left out of the holiday plans? Maybe shes assumed there invited. have you booked it yet?

TyrionsNextWife · 17/02/2019 19:06

Do you think she's considering kids or ttc? Maybe she wants to come on holiday so she can spend time with the kids and get a 'first hand' look at parenting - a whole holiday is very different to the odd afternoon here and there.

Or maybe she can't conceive and these sorts of events are the only way she gets to be around children?

dimsum321 · 17/02/2019 19:06

I don't think you're being a bitch. It's a family holiday where it's probably child activity and routine focused. Having a friend there such as the one you've described will totally change the whole dynamic despite it being only one additional person.

The problem you've got is how to prevent her from going without you looking bitchy.

I think the babysitting comment might be your best bet.

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 17/02/2019 19:07

choc I wouldn’t say lonely but she has the ‘fear of missing out’.

No not all couples invited, 3 couples booked a holiday together.

OP posts:
dashitauntagatha · 17/02/2019 19:09

This exact thing happened to me last year - 3 couples all with kids going away (also part of a much bigger group of friends) - I mentioned to another friend who was having a hard time that her and her partner (who don't have kids) might like to come to but her partner couldn't get the time off work. She decided she would like to come by herself and stay nearby (no space where we were staying). One of the other couples was really unhappy about this for various reasons but mainly feeling it would ruin the dynamic - cue a couple of days of me in the middle trying to put the extra friend off coming but feeling guilty for doing so whilst simultaneously feeling guilty at having potentially ruined the holiday for the other couple - I had been only trying to do a nice thing for the extra friend (and never thought she would come by herself) but it all kind of backfired...

Anyway, in the end after all that angst (!) the extra friend did come and it was ABSOLUTELY FINE and I needn't have worried. I ended up feeling a little peeved at the couple who didn't want her to come as it made the build up to the holiday so stressful for me trying to sort it out and in retrospect I think they were being uncharitable as she really needed a break.

So... this is a long winded way of saying - don't worry about it - whatever happens happens - don't let it ruin the enjoyment of looking forward to the holiday (arguably the best thing about holidays?!) and if she does come - it will probably be fine if you're all good friends.

Drum2018 · 17/02/2019 19:11

What's the accommodation set up? If it's apartments per family then surely it'll cost her a lot more to go and have an apartment to herself. If she does go you just have to be firm and not have her dictate what you all do on the holiday - activities , restaurants etc. Point out that her choice of restaurants may not be child friendly, you will be eating early evening to suit kids, you won't be out late or clubbing due to kids etc.

RogersVideo · 17/02/2019 19:16

I think it's weird that she wants to tag along solo on a holiday with a bunch of couples and their kids...that she wasn't invited to. What's her motivation for wanting to go?

I suppose at the end of the day if she goes, you aren't responsible for entertaining her. If you want to spend the day with just your family, be firm about it. If you want to do kids activities, not get sloshed, and go to bed early, do it.

LIZS · 17/02/2019 19:20

All you can realistically do is talk to her about the family things you are planning to do. If she chooses to come along she can hardly complain if you go to playgrounds, kids attractions, eat early, have early nights and breakfasts etc.

Itssosunny · 17/02/2019 19:20

What if she wants to get away from her DH? I would say, "It's absolutely fine with us but you may probably be a bit bored as you are coming without your DH. You know we are going to be consumed by our children as always. Think if you really want to come on your own as we don't want you to feel left out and that could make the holidays a bit awkward. " Something like that.

Charley50 · 17/02/2019 19:30

We go away regularly with friends. Some of us bring a partner, some don't, one friend doesn't have any kids, and the ones that do have kids of all different ages. It's always been fine. We all have our strengths and annoying traits I suppose.

Having said that, I don't always love my group holidays with my friends, but sometimes they're fantastic.

category12 · 17/02/2019 19:30

She might just want to get away and be fine doing things on her own a bit. It'd be nice, be able to do what she wants and have a bit of company when she wanted. It doesn't need to change the dynamic if you carry on and do what you want to do.

TonTonMacoute · 17/02/2019 19:31

Agree with Itssosunny just keep banging on about how the DCs are going to be the main focus of the holiday, lots of early noisy mornings, and early bedtimes, and you're worried she'll be bored shitless, and hope she gets the message.

I don't think YABU, by the way. A friend of DHs once threatened to drop in on our family holiday with his wild girlfriend. The thought made my blood run cold, and we refused to tell him where we were going.

rookiemere · 17/02/2019 19:31

Really depends on accommodation as to how viable it is

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 17/02/2019 20:13

It’s hotel accommodation so she would have to have her own room.

OP posts:
NCjustforthisthread · 17/02/2019 20:19

Does she know that it’s going to be mainly family focussed? Eg; lots of children related stuff etc? If she wants to come then you cant stop her, you can just plan to do what you planned to and she can fall in if she wants to or not. Either way - you don’t sound like you like her very much.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 17/02/2019 20:29

To all those saying it’s mean to exclude her, how many of you would have genuinely asked a childless friend to join a holiday centred around children? I’m not criticising; just interested. As someone approaching it from the opposite angle - I’m childless, and mainly holiday with other childless friends - I wouldn’t think to invite friends with children to join us. It changes things for everyone.

HeathRobinson · 17/02/2019 20:56

I think anyone who asks an extra person should run it by the group first.

CantStopMeNow · 17/02/2019 21:08

OP stop being a coward/doormat.

You don't want her gatecrashing your holiday and that's perfectly fine.
It doesn't make you selfish.
She's bloody rude and a CF for inviting herself on your holiday...i bet she knows how difficult you'd find it to say no so she's manipulating you as well.
So as long as she gets what she wants, she doesn't care how she gets it?
Some friend she is!

Do you always allow her to push you around?
Doesn't matter if her loud and overbearing ways are 'just the way she is', YOU choose when and how often you tolerate that.

Just tell her that you are having a family holiday and the others are doing the same.
You shouldn't have to explain or justify yourself further than that because a decent friend wouldn't push it further.

Maelstrop · 17/02/2019 21:11

Has anyone actually invited her? It's a bit cheeky of her to invite herself.

LL83 · 17/02/2019 21:48

I don't understand how it stops you and your family doing anything separate?

Sounds like you don't like her. I would welcome any friends along.....unless it was one I didn't really like. In which case it would bug me but can't do much about it.

Redcampions · 17/02/2019 21:53

In would just make it clear that the kids will be the main focus. If the family do split off to do their own thing then is it your family she will tag along with?

CrispbuttyNo1 · 17/02/2019 21:56

You sound mean. And so do some of the others on this thread. I dont have kids, because i cant get pregnant . I absolutely love spending time with my little nephews or friends children . Its the only chance i will ever have to enjoy having family style holiday fun when we go away as a group .