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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want friend to come on holiday?

116 replies

BasinHaircut · 17/02/2019 17:58

Group of couples been friends for years. Within this group we do not always do everything together as there are a variety of incomes among other factors such as living near each other or not etc. All have kids apart from one couple.

Anyway, 3 of the couples/families (including us) have booked a summer holiday together. Not something we have done before. We did not invite any of the other couples because either they don’t fly/couldn’t afford it/it’s very much a ‘family’ holiday that doesn’t really appeal to a couple, and IMO would therefore change the holiday dynamic. They are big drinkers.

Anyway, since we booked, the female of the couple with no kids has expressed an interest in coming along. Her husband has no interest but has said to her that he is happy if she wants to go alone and apparently she is thinking about it.

AIBU to not want her to come? She hasn’t actually been invited for one thing, and secondly this will still change the dynamic of the holiday. It goes from being 3 couples/families to a group holiday. If there is any desire to spend time apart from each other as individual families then she would be left out so that can’t happen.

I’m a bit pissed off at the assumption that this is ok. AIBU?

OP posts:

Jennbot · 18/02/2019 08:44

I don't think YABU at all. As posted above its annoying having to keep up chit chat when also watching children.
Also she wasn't even invited she has invited herself that's just so presumptuous and very rude.
I must be a real bitch because I would have said no to her and you're not going to do that. This is going to make some things awkward as the others feel they have to consider a single adult in family orientated outings as to will she be bored should we not go.
You'll all be up early look after children and not inclined to stay up late drinking. Tell her this at least. Family restaurants not up market quiet ones that adults enjoy in taking their time over. So many things that could trigger her getting annoyed.
So she is going to be changing the dynamics on a holiday she wasn't invited to and you've every right to be put out.

Trills · 18/02/2019 09:02

I don't understand HOW she can invite herself along.

The practicalities of it don't make sense to me.

You've already booked it. There's a chance she could book into the same hotel at the same time, but only if you gave her the details. I rarely discuss my upcoming holidays in more detail than the approximate city and "end of May".

StillCoughingandLaughing · 18/02/2019 09:03

You sound mean. And so do some of the others on this thread. I dont have kids, because i cant get pregnant . I absolutely love spending time with my little nephews or friends children . Its the only chance i will ever have to enjoy having family style holiday fun when we go away as a group .

But presumably your family and friends know you enjoy this kind of holiday. That’s fine. The issue here is the OP’s friend inviting herself on this type of holiday, despite the fact that it’s something she’s unlikely to enjoy. Despite all the attempts on this thread to invent a motivation for the OP’s friend - one that makes the OP ‘mean’ - she knows this woman in real life, which none of us do. Give her the courtesy of acknowledging she understands her own friends.

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2019 09:17

Op, I think you need to say something to the others, you clearly desperately don't want her to come, and it sounds like you hate her guts, I think it is a struggle for anyone to actually comprehend this is an actual friend you're talking about, and one of your oldest at that. It's quite shocking you can call someone a friend and talk about them in the manner you are.

I think you need to articulate to the others you don't want her there and you need to tell her that and to end the friendship, because this isn't right.

Original poster

BasinHaircut · 18/02/2019 09:21

Trills if she decides to book then presumably she will ask for the details from one of us. I have only discussed this with her on the basis of ‘I might come but (her) DH doesn’t fancy it’.

OP posts:

Original poster

BasinHaircut · 18/02/2019 09:25

No Bluntness it seems to be only you that thinks I hate her guts. I’m not sure why you are so invested that you are advising me to end a 30 year friendship because I don’t want to holiday with this person.

I don’t want to holiday with my parents either but it doesn’t mean I hate them.

OP posts:

ShartGoblin · 18/02/2019 09:38

Pre-kids this was fine but it’s not now and she just doesn’t get it. I can’t say that to her as I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings about not having kids.

I actually think you do need to say this to her. You changed the friendship and she's clearly a bit clueless about the whole thing. At some point you will have to have an honest conversation otherwise you're going to spend the rest of your life in situations like this because you don't want to rock the boat.

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2019 09:42

If you read the thread it's clearly not just me. And you should end the friendship not because of the holiday, but because you're on here being incredibly mean about her. No one needs friends like that.

Original poster

BasinHaircut · 18/02/2019 10:17

shart I get what you are saying but I think it would be incredibly naive for anyone to assume that when your friend has a child they can continue to be as available to you as they previously were, and that things wouldn’t change.

But I do kind of think this is a transitional period in our friendship (not just this friend but this applies where one friend has kids and other doesn’t) that was always going to be difficult. But I’m riding it out. Once she has a child she will ‘get it’. Trying to explain that to someone without kids seems like a really condescending thing to do and I wouldn’t want to do that. She does want kids and all going to plan will do in the next couple of years.

This is not an issue that makes our friendship not worth it at all, we are just not on the same page about everything all the time right now. l and ideas about what makes a good holiday will be one thing!

OP posts:

HeyArthur · 18/02/2019 12:09

I completely agree with were you are coming from OP.
You are not being a bitch either.

It would be hard work having to entertain your own kids as well as the singley who is tagging along. And let's face it, someone will have to entertain her as I doubt she is coming on holiday with you all to be on her own.

AmIOTTconcerned · 18/02/2019 12:18

I don't think it will be hard work having to entertain your own kids as well as the singley who is tagging along as PP said. It's not your job to entertain your friend. I'm sure she's not expecting you to either.

I imagine she's keen to have a little holiday where she'll probably head off and do her own thing at times but regroup for certain meals, activities etc. She obviously really enjoys the company from her friends and their children. Nothing wrong with that.

I'd probably say something like "gosh I'm looking forward to this holiday but it is going to be hard work watching the kids constantly etc. Still worth it though". If she doesn't realise how different the dynamic will be then a comment in passing like that might help.

JenniferJareau · 18/02/2019 12:27

It's not your job to entertain your friend. I'm sure she's not expecting you to either.

OP has made it clear the friend would expect to be entertained.

dustarr73 · 18/02/2019 12:28

I dont think you are being mean or a bitch.You know her,we dont.Plus dont we all have friends for different things.One might be suited to one thing while somebody else might be suited to something else.

I think you need to let teh wider group know sh is interested in going,and just take it from there.

KarmaStar · 18/02/2019 13:10

Hi OP,no advice really to add to what has been said,posting to wish you all a happy holiday,what will be,will be.accept what you can't change and hope for the best.
Have a lovely time.🌺🌝

dottypotter · 18/02/2019 13:17

what on earth is wrong with having a larger than life personality, better than being a boring old fart perhaps you dont like her because you wish you could be more like her but cant.

Atalune · 18/02/2019 13:20

I totally get this!

If she’s larger than life then maybe she can handle a frank conversation?

Are you sure you want to come with us? It’s all about playing tag in the pool and going to the kids disco. We will be in bed by 10! I just don’t want you to waste your money and feel annoyed when we are consumed by the kids and you’re bored? Spell it out for her and if she’s ok with it, then an extra “aunty” would actually be lovely!

HeathRobinson · 18/02/2019 13:22

YANBU, @BasinHaircut. Can't believe people are calling you a bitch or mean. Mean! What are they, 10? 😂

Obviously it's a different dynamic having a family holiday, with everything tailored to the kids.

dottypotter · 18/02/2019 13:35

What is wrong with being larger than life? Its better than being a boring old fart..

woolduvet · 18/02/2019 13:39

I'd get a list of all the fun family things that you've all wanted to do.
Book early restaurants etc.
If she asks for details then show her the last as you're concerned she won't enjoy all this kiddy stuff and early nights.
But if she comes put yourselves first.

Ribbonsonabox · 18/02/2019 13:44

Shes a grown woman and if she comes on the holiday expecting to be entertained constantly and never left alone then that is her concern isnt it? Have strong boundaries and do not be the one guilted 8nto giving up your holiday time as a couple in order to entertain her.

I totally get what you as saying.. as I've said I've a similar friend... and look I immediately got called horrible by someone on here! But I agree with the OP who said you cant win... of you say what your boundaries are then you are a bitch... and if you dont then you are a martyr!!

So you may as well stand your ground and get the most put of the holiday you have spent money on and given time off work up for expecting some time to relax.

Your friend can come if she likes that does not mean you have to engage with her if she is overstepping the mark. I probably do sound like a bitch if you dont have an overbearing friend like this...

But I'm not going to end a friendship with someone I care about just because they are overbearing and dont quite get social queues... I love my friend but I also have to have strong boundaries diaries with her. Similar to what you describes op shes someone who will not leave unless asked to leave etc... that type of thing... she doesn't just pick up on social queues at all.

The reason I did not say anything to her at my childs Birthday is because I did not want to upset or humiliate her in public... she was already there so there was nothing I could do...
But trust me I wasnt being horrible, other people commented on how nuts its was to have tried to take my husband away from his childs Birthday party in the middle of it for a coffee across the road because she was bored.... but my friend was oblivious, it's not malicious, she just doesn't get it.

raviolidreaming · 18/02/2019 13:46

I don't really understand this to be honest. You say you like her as she's one of your oldest friends, but then proceed to be unpleasant about her, after claiming for ridiculous reasons why you don't want her there

I understand. I have a friend who sounds similar. I love them dearly, but it always ends up with them getting their own way. Admittedly, I've allowed that to happen over the years but, now I have kids and they don't, it's really difficult to compromise. In a situation like this, my friend wouldn't understand why I didn't put the kids into the hotel kids club for the day so we could have a long boozy lunch. So I wouldn't want them there because I don't need that stress on holiday. It's not being unpleasant or a bitch to be insightful and realistic about known personalities and tried-and-tested experiences.

dimsum321 · 18/02/2019 14:08

OP I totally get where you're coming from. Maybe have a quiet chat with her and say you really don't think she'd enjoy this holiday, it would be a waste of time and money for her and suggest she does things with other friends whilst you are away.

OVienna · 18/02/2019 14:13

Holidays are an investment, time is an investment, holidays with kids are not the easiest, holidays with other families require negotiation.

The situation that the OP has described doesn't even sound like a holiday to me but I don't believe for a moment that the posters that have criticised the OP wouldn't be getting twitchy about an added complication if it were their holiday.

If there is any desire to spend time apart from each other as individual families then she would be left out so that can’t happen.

This is what would panic me.

MumW · 18/02/2019 14:17

I can totally get where you are coming from.

I'd tell her that this is a family orientated break and, as such, activities and routines will totally be dictated by the needs of the children. If she's happy with that then, she'd be welcome to join you. Just make the conditions totally clear. What time you'll be doing breakfast, what activities you have planned, even if it's only building sandcastles on the beach, what/when/where you'll be eating dinner, what time the children have naps/go to bed etc.

I'm sure if you set the boundaries before you go, you'll still manage a lovely holiday.

Nanny0gg · 18/02/2019 14:20

@dashitauntagatha Don’t you think you should have checked with the others before asking your friend? You had no idea if they’d be happy about it!

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