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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to move to dh’s hometown?

81 replies

Lejla68 · 16/02/2019 20:31

We currently live in London but ever since ds was born six months ago dh has been desperate to leave.

He wants to move to his hometown in Hertfordshire. He constantly goes on about how fresh the air is, how safe it is, how great the schools are etc.

But I love where we live now and have no desire whatsoever to leave - and I really don’t want to move to dh’s hometown. From visiting dh’s parents it seems suffocatingly upper middle class and twee (I went in a local gift shop once and they were selling ‘Keep Calm You’re in Town name’ coasters). It also seems so dull compared to London - in order to do anything interesting you have to travel into London which seems to negate the point of moving out of London in the first place. And it is one of the whitest places I’ve ever seen that is so close to London.

Dh is getting angry that I’m not even willing to consider it, but I love living in London, and before ds was born, we had talked about the future and both agreed that we wanted to raise our dc in London.

AIBU to not want to move to dh’s hometown?

OP posts:
milienhaus · 16/02/2019 20:34

I don’t think YABU, and your husband is mean to pressure you especially since you had discussed staying in advance but I also think he is NBU to want to leave London and to have realised once you had the DC that it wasn’t working for him. Sounds tough and I hope you can come to an agreement!

Peeltheavocado · 16/02/2019 20:37

it seems suffocatingly upper middle class and twee (I went in a local gift shop once and they were selling ‘Keep Calm You’re in Town name’ coasters)

It’s Harpenden, isn’t it? That has to be Harpenden.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 16/02/2019 20:40

Yanbu as you has this convo so it can’t be a surprise to him.

TerrificEchidnaSpikes · 16/02/2019 20:43

You're going to get slaughtered OP, for even thinking anything negative about NotLondon Grin but in my personal opinion, YANBU in the slightest!

We lived in a small flat in a not-great-but-not-awful part of London, when the DC were toddlers we moved to another city for DH's work. It meant we could afford an actual house, with a garden, and in a nice area. Although I liked the new house and area, I did miss London but I rationalised it with all that stuff about fresher air, bigger house, decent schools etc.

Then a few years later, we moved city again, this time to DH's home city. Most people would say it's a good city to live in, with various good points. I hate it with a passion, and I wish we had never come here. And ultimately, I realise it was (for our family - emotionally, personally, financially) a mistake to leave London in the first place and we will never be able to afford to move back there.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/02/2019 20:45

Bear in mind that it's not uncommon for men who are insistent about moving house once the first DC comes to be, basically, abusers-in-waiting. If you were to go ahead and move, would this fuck up your career, while leaving his unaffected (he'd carry on commuting to London...)
Even if he's not heading for major abuser status, it sounds like his fantasies could be about carrying on with his glittering career with Wifey looking after the nice little house in the suburbs and not having any opportunities to be anything other than an appendage of The Man.

RandomMess · 16/02/2019 20:48

If you can afford a property in London then stay! The desire to move away has to be from both of you YANBU

LL83 · 16/02/2019 20:51

Priorities change when baby arrives so it is no surprise one of you now feels there are other considerations now, you can't hold him to a discussion before the baby came.

However, having a discussion and moving are two very different things. There may be a middle ground. Not London but not his hometown perhaps? There might be somewhere that gives the factors he considers important but also covers yours?

YANBU for wanting to stay in London though.

MrsApplepants · 16/02/2019 20:51

Whatever you do, don’t move. I made this exact same mistake, but in Kent, not Herts. Regret it every day.

TidyDancer · 16/02/2019 20:56

I think it depends where in Hertfordshire. We live in Herts and we do have the best of both worlds because we're close enough to London to get there in 30 minutes but far enough out to be able to afford a decent sized house and, yes, fresh air and countryside.

There are definitely some areas of the county I wouldn't live in for love nor money though.

I think, broadly speaking, you do need to consider a move because to write it off entirely when your DH is so desperate to move may drive a wedge between you.

HeathRobinson · 16/02/2019 20:56

YANBU.

I wonder how he'd react if you suggested moving to your home town or close to your family?

SgtFredColon · 16/02/2019 20:58

Peeltheavocado I thought the same!

Amanduh · 16/02/2019 21:01

Tbf i’m from st albans and there’s not much better I can think of than living here vs london! I LOVE london, i think it’s the most amazing place in the WORLD, but it’s 20 mins away to central on the fast train and ten to fifteen minutes drive or train to the outskirts. Yes it’s expensive and a lot of it is quite white middle class, but it’s clean, safe, much MUCH cheaper than where we were in london, and schools are great. It’s london without the trouble!

Amanduh · 16/02/2019 21:06

(That was for the harpenden vs london people.. if it’s much further in to herts than 20/30 mins op I agree with you!)

Maelstrop · 16/02/2019 21:13

It’s Harpenden, isn’t it? That has to be Harpenden.

Pmsl, @Peeltheavocado, my first thought!

@amanduh you’re kidding, right? There are at least 3 gangs known to be operating ‘county lines’ (drug running using vulnerable kids) in St Albans. Charming story about the stabbing in Veruliam Park last year, the teen was just sentenced, I think. People I know living there won’t go down the Alban way due to so many muggings recently. London without the trouble? And the museums/culture too. Yes, it’s not far to London, but you could say that about multiple commuter towns around the M25.

DoingMyBest2010 · 16/02/2019 21:15

I lived in Harpenden until our DD was 4. I loved it. It is not stuck up, posh or pretentious as some people make it out to be. The commute to Londen is easy, it's brilliant for kids and I have made some lifelong friends whom I met when I had our DD. Can't fault it.

Amanduh · 16/02/2019 21:44

Lol. No I’m not ‘kidding.’ A few incidents in a quiet herts town is NOTHING compared to multiple murders every night!! It is absolutely no where NEAR comparable. 3 WHOLE gangs?! There are 33,000 where we lived previously 🙄

Maelstrop · 16/02/2019 21:58

I think the general public is unaware, amanduh, of what happens day to day, even in middle class mostly white towns. I’m not trying to scaremonger, it’s all publically available anyway.

Multiple murders every night? In London? I believe there were 122 last year, highest for almost 10 years, I think.

33goingon64 · 16/02/2019 21:59

I think if you're the one at home with a baby (massive assumption that you are) then you get to choose for the moment. Can you say you'll think about it in a couple of years but for now you'd prefer to stay (as you'd agreed together to stay).

Original poster
Lejla68 · 16/02/2019 22:01

It’s Harpenden, isn’t it? That has to be Harpenden

Yes, it’s Harpenden - I didn’t want to say to avoid offending anyone who might live there Confused

Regarding crime, I’m really not sure that Harpenden is significantly safer than the part of London that we live in. Our area is lovely - certainly no gangs/stabbings.

There’s only the odd mugging, plus burglaries and cars getting broken into, which according to the police figures all happens in Harpenden too.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 16/02/2019 22:05

I can’t think of anything worse than moving out of London for either of our dullsville home towns Grin

gambaspilpil · 16/02/2019 22:07

My OH tried to get me to move to his hometown from London. Told him to bog off and I was not interested. I had moved to London years before and loved it. We are still in London 19yrs later

Barbarafromblackpool · 16/02/2019 22:11

Don't do it.

Fetching · 16/02/2019 22:12

YANBU

He can't just spring this on you.

If you can afford to stay in London, stay in London. He may well just be going through a new parent phase of nostalgia for his own childhood and feeling that his child should be raised in the same way, same place etc.

Anywhere that is still pushing the Keep Calm And... nonsense should be regarded with deep suspicion.

TerrificEchidnaSpikes · 16/02/2019 22:19

Other thing I should have said...

In wanting to move to his hometown, DH I think had a bit of a fantasy of "re-doing" his childhood for our DC, but with more of the "good" stuff like visiting places he enjoyed as a kid, and less of the "bad" stuff like real, boring daily life. Of course, real, boring daily life is the living, boring reality. And the fun kid-friendly places, well, we could have experienced (and did!) them whenever we visited the PiLs in the hometown anyway - we didn't need to move here.

So I second the other posters speculating that this has been triggered by nostalgia and a fantasy of "re-doing" his own childhood, but better IYSWIM.

hettie · 16/02/2019 22:21

Meh, is he trying to relive his childhood? Will it involve 2.4 children, a Volvo, semi-detached, a labrador and a minor public school Grin....if not then it has to be a joint decision, Wyatt do you both want fur your lives? Fwiw I used to get cold sweats about leaving zone two....we now live in Bristol. We have more space and quick access to the coast and hills plus bristol is ace. Friends with kids who stayed in London live quite a local life, their social and other activities confined to the local area so not really making use of "London".....