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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to move to dh’s hometown?

81 replies

Lejla68 · 16/02/2019 20:31

We currently live in London but ever since ds was born six months ago dh has been desperate to leave.

He wants to move to his hometown in Hertfordshire. He constantly goes on about how fresh the air is, how safe it is, how great the schools are etc.

But I love where we live now and have no desire whatsoever to leave - and I really don’t want to move to dh’s hometown. From visiting dh’s parents it seems suffocatingly upper middle class and twee (I went in a local gift shop once and they were selling ‘Keep Calm You’re in Town name’ coasters). It also seems so dull compared to London - in order to do anything interesting you have to travel into London which seems to negate the point of moving out of London in the first place. And it is one of the whitest places I’ve ever seen that is so close to London.

Dh is getting angry that I’m not even willing to consider it, but I love living in London, and before ds was born, we had talked about the future and both agreed that we wanted to raise our dc in London.

AIBU to not want to move to dh’s hometown?

OP posts:
AlecTrevelyan006 · 16/02/2019 22:22

YANBU in wanting to stay in London. He is NBU in wanting to leave London.

CruCru · 16/02/2019 22:28

I know a few people who’ve moved to Harpenden and it has suited them well. However, there appear to be quite a few black holes to get admission to primary and secondary schools and there is a lot of anxiety about getting a place. Perhaps this is unsurprising in a town that people often move to when they want to have large families - lots of siblings getting priority.

I know that at least one of the secondary schools gives priority to churchgoers so to get in, children need to be christened, you need a letter from the vicar to say you’ve been at least every other weekend for a number of years and you still need to live really close. However I don’t know about the other secondary schools there.

FlopsyMopsyRabbit · 16/02/2019 22:32

Opposite to @hettie, I left Bristol with my partner to move to a city 3 hours away, for him. I left my family, friends and everything I knew in Bristol and am now hating life where we live now and would do anything to move back.

anniehm · 16/02/2019 22:35

I cannot imagine bringing my kids up in London, too polluted, too crowded and far too expensive. We can jump on a train and in an hour access the "delights" of London without the downsides of living their

Dongdingdong · 16/02/2019 22:36

Bear in mind that it's not uncommon for men who are insistent about moving house once the first DC comes to be, basically, abusers-in-waiting.

Hmm
MandolinaMyres · 17/02/2019 09:43

There’s quite a big gap between ‘London’ and ‘Harpenden’.

Would you consider maybe moving to a smaller city like Bristol, Exeter or Bath? They might suit you better than a small town.

Hotterthanahotthing · 17/02/2019 09:55

How would this negatively affect you?You do t say if you work or where your family are.Do you have a support network in London,do you get on with his family?Fresh air,less crime apply to much of the country not just Harpenden and aren't London schools getting really good results.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 17/02/2019 09:58

Can't you just buy DH the coasters? He can pretend he's there?

Rezie · 17/02/2019 10:02

I do think there is a potential compromise since London and hertfordshire are close to each other. It's a lot more difficult when it's London and Cornwall or something else that are geographically far away. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable but would another town in Hertfordshire be ok? Or moving to another neighbourhood in London that would be more like a town than part of London?

BlueJava · 17/02/2019 10:21

YANBU - I like to like away from parents and ILs, makes "popping round" not a thing so more privacy and no arguments if you aren't in each others pockets. What about your jobs - would you and he have to commute in to London? That could be hard if you have DC(s).

JRMisOdious · 17/02/2019 10:32

This has to be a decision of the head, not the heart, and which option is best for the majority of the family. I’d be drawing up lists, considering things like air quality, comparable size of accommodation £ for £, outside space, safety and security, likelihood of getting a decent school of your choice, access to public services. If you can both put your personal wishes aside, be honest and put the greater good ahead, whichever comes out on top has to be the answer. All very easy to research.
I don’t think he’s being unreasonable, his focus and priorities have just shifted now he’s a father, he’s considering them and taking them seriously.

GoGoGadgetGin · 17/02/2019 10:52

Another for a Hmm at "Bear in mind that it's not uncommon for men who are insistent about moving house once the first DC comes to be, basically, abusers-in-waiting.*.

Original poster
Lejla68 · 17/02/2019 10:54

What about your jobs - would you and he have to commute in to London?

Dh works in finance in the City so would be commuting.

I'm a GP (and not a partner), so can work anywhere.

OP posts:
deadliftgirl · 17/02/2019 10:55

I don't think your being unreasonable by not wanting to move but I think you are being unreasonable for not considering it! Your husband obviously feels very strong about this for a reason and while I do not agree that your life should be turned upside down and that you should be forced to life somewhere you do not want to I also think its fair to explore this even if its just to say to him I tried to consider it and then he might back off.

Is there another town near his hometown that is different/nicer, maybe somewhere that could new for you all instead of feeling your down the road from his parents? Or even somewhere that is similar to that but a town closer to London so you get the best of both worlds. Your husband does not seem happy where he is at the moment and its unfair to just ignore his feelings but he has to consider yours also. Its about sometimes finding a compromise and testing the waters.

I would investigate some options, other towns and maybe do an odd weekend in his hometown and see if you can get to like the place without his family around. I really do hope you all work this out.

Muddysnowdrop · 17/02/2019 10:56

Is he just being nostalgic for his own childhood? You are being a bit judgy about it, but I wouldn’t want to either - well don’t minimise the support family on hand can be actually.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/02/2019 11:01

As a long term and unrepentant NotLondoner I don't think you are being at all unreasonable.

Your issue is that the two of you had discussed this prior to DC arriving. Now he has changed his mind and gas chosen his childhood to be your married life.

You need another conversation. Tell him you will consider anywhere just NOT the place he grew up. You don't want to slip into his family, his friends, his memories, his blue remembered hills.

You want to build a life for the two of you and your children. Not relive his. He is being unfair, but you might be able to make him see it...

JRMisOdious · 17/02/2019 11:19

The “abusers in waiting” comment. My dad abused us all and the last thing he would have done was move us closer to family and friends, he did quite the opposite and isolated us.

ElloBrian · 17/02/2019 11:26

I think maybe you should sit down with him and ask him to list the factors that appeal to him about the move. Is it closeness to his family, access to countryside, better commute, bigger house, etc ? And get him to list those factors in order of priority. Then once you’ve got a clearer idea of what it is that he’s seeking, you’ll be in a better possible to discuss what possible compromise you could reach. For example getting a bigger house in a cheaper area that’s still in London. Or moving to somewhere closer to his family but still in London. Etc.

BrizzleMint · 17/02/2019 11:27

Bristol is much better than London though the traffic is a nightmare.

JacquesHammer · 17/02/2019 11:33

YANBU in wanting to stay.

HINBU in wanting to leave.

Lengthy discussion needed.

Holidaycountdown · 17/02/2019 11:40

St Albans might be a good compromise if you’re willing to make one, on the same train line but better shops, better restaurants, better pubs/bars etc. Also more choice of schools within easy reach. I grew up not far from Harpenden and wouldn’t want to live there as a teen/adult as there doesn’t seem to be a lot going on there.

AzureApps · 17/02/2019 11:46

I love London but moved out to Surrey and love it. I get my London fix with work and fabulous events. My DC enjoy clean air, no gangs, short journey to school etc with the benefit of London nearby. I would worry about dc travelling to school on the tube etc I have seen some horrible bullying and behaviour that are the wouldn’t like if they ever got to find out.

Shadowboy · 17/02/2019 11:50

I grew up in Harpenden Hertfordshire and I loved it! And my parents are foreign and we fitted in well. Schools are fantastic, the open space, the quality of the environment for kids is fantastic. My memories of Harpenden are wonderful- playing in the common, the park, the fates etc.
I would move back in a heartbeat. But I can’t afford it. I do remember takin the train into London as a teen and it taking less than an hour...

Sparkletastic · 17/02/2019 11:52

It doesn't matter how much other posters like Harpenden, the OP doesn't.

EvaHarknessRose · 17/02/2019 12:20

You’re living a life you love - what is it he is looking for to improve his? Try to understand this, and it might help you think about how you can achieve both. Does he imagine himself mowing the lawn? Walking to the pub with his mate/brother/cousin? Having family to babysit so you can spend time together? The kids having more outdorr space?