To not leave DD with batshit DM alone

[theymaynotmeantobuttheydo]

DM has no concept of danger and thinks nothing bad will ever happen to her. I often question how I survived my childhood with no physical injuries. Not a single broken bone or hospital visit...

There are (unconfirmed) rumours that she once gave my cousins 9 month old a sip of coke.

She lives localish to us and would have the kids DD6 and DD3 at the drop of the hat but I just don't trust her.. DH thinks I'm crazy as we could be off having a whale of the time but...

We use nursery for childcare.

I left DD3 for about 3 hours one morning as I had an adhoc work meeting and she put her in DS's forward facing booster seat for a non urgent car journey a mile away to collect something that could have waited. She "thought she was old enough to face forward now as she's big enough"

DD3 had a very minor scratch and I asked her to get some savlon and before i knew it she was applying some dodgy antibiotic cream to "take the redness away"
Oh when One DD was born she shoved some honey in her mouth at a few days old (some batshit cultural custom) before I could stop her. She has no boundaries. She can't be stopped or reasoned with. I had to insist she covered up her 6ft deep pond after she persisted with the fact I had never drowned in it as being a good enough reason to leave it.

My children need protecting from her. AIBU? I suspect not but DH thinks I am OTT!

I kind of see your point. I'm pretty relaxed about most of these things but the coke one would make me livid

But it was only rumours of a sip of coke...

The thing that stands out to me is that your DM knew that you wanted your dd in a Rear facing seat and had had the reasons explained to her. And then she put her forward facing for a journey that she didn’t need to make, and did it because she knew it would annoy you.

Which means that for all the other parenting-safety things that have changed since you were small, you cannot trust that explaining the new methods to your mum will be enough. She’ll just do it her way anyway.

And ponds! Many many people have unfenced ponds and don’t supervise their children as closely as they think they do, and their children are fine. And then there are the 6 or so each year who drown. Saying “oh well you were fine so your child will be too” - well there is a person who doesn’t understand risk.

I dont think the older children in rear facing seats look at all comfortable. How far forward do the driver and passenger seat need to be to accommodate rear facing for older kids. And how many of you advocating them like travelling backwards on a train? Doesn't it cause more travel sickness?

A sip of coke for a baby, honey for a baby, button cell battery for 3 year to choose (and they are fatal if swallowed), not securing a pond, antibiotic cream for a cut, not listening to your RF request for car seat travelling.

How does no one think this isn’t shit grandparenting?

Not just the examples, but the fact she isn’t listening and is doing things her way.

My mother did as she pleased. Gave my son honey (what nonsense, honey is natural!) tried to give him food at 2 months (well that’s what you did, didn’t do you any harm). The list goes on, the list gets worse.

Your child, your rules, she has to follow them, or you don’t use her for childcare.

A 3 year old rear facing? That’s ridiculous. Does that not stop at about a year?

Mine all rear faced/will rear face til at least 4 🤷‍♀️

This is one of those threads where posters just seem to trivialise real concerns.

If a three year old swallows a button battery he could die. They are so dangerous. A three year old might well put it in his mouth and might well swallow it.

RF car seat, everyone has their own views but the woman put the three year old on a booster seat. Not safe. And it wasn't an urgently need journey.

A pond! I can't believe people can poo poo this one! Jeez. A six foot deep pond! Children drown in garden ponds/pools all the time.

Oh and the sip of coke. Honestly who gives coke to a nine month old? That would be someone extremely stupid in my view. Why would anyone do that??

OP, your mother sounds careless more than anything. And frankly that is not a characteristic you need in someone looking after your young children. I do not think you are batshit.

If you don't want your kids there that's entirely your choice and you don't need to justify it to anybody.
If it were me I would pick my battles- the pond .
I don't think your mum sounds bat shit .

chamomiletea and gluteoustothemaximus

Totally agree. This isn’t over anxious or precious parenting. These are (apart from perhaps the sip of coke ) real and serious concerns.

As a TA I’ve seen usually ‘mature’ 5 year olds put a bead in their mouth, swallow it and begin to go blue round th lips. I’ve seen my distraught anaesthetist friend after a small child died on the operating table after swallowing a button battery. It didn’t stick in the child’s throat but caused fatal bleeding and damage and he couldn’t be saved. You just don’t give small children the idea that it’s ok to be handling these things.

And if this woman can’t and won’t listen to the OPs valid concerns, then what else is she likely to think are ok? My DGC do NOT get to pick out batteries, play near an uncovered pond, get tastes of inappropriate foods and are strapped into suitable seats in the car. I’ve lived long enough and am old enough to know that in the second you have turned your back on them, small children can get into serious danger. So you cover open water and you look out for things that are potential risks until they’re old enough to learn and properly understand them and have the maturity to look out for themselves.

@theymaynotmeantobuttheydo
I think the issue is that probably in your DM's generation these things were not an issue. For example, I can remember not having any car seats as a child growing up, and my parents would not appreciate me saying that was wrong. Instead I told them that times have changed and it's safer for kids to be in car seats, there are faster more powerful cars out there as well as a lot more vehicles than when I was a kid. But I would be careful not to make my parents feel bad or that they were neglectful in their choices at that time. Their choices were valid for the times they lived in, and they would not knowingly have placed me at risk.

I think you need to explain to your DM that times change (progress is made) and she should respect your choices as a parent. That's what it comes down to, respect for your choices, even if she disagrees with them.

My DC are teenagers now, so I know things have moved on, but do rear facing child seats have enough room for longer legs? My kids were all tall and even at 1, I was worried that their legs would be injured/squashed if in an accident when in the rear facing, I was glad to get them out of it fir that reason.

@icemaidens yes they have plenty of room. They bend their knees. See my pic previously. Never complained of discomfort. Also, much better a broken leg than internal decapitation. It's proven to be much safer. Those who have doubts about it being uncomfortable are the ones who have not actually tried it with their children.

Its law where I am to have kids rear face until 2. The age limit is set to go up soon. I don't know a single person who forward faced until their kids were 4 at the earliest.

Britain's car seat laws are very very far behind a lot of other countries.

A little boy died a few months ago near me from swallowing a battery button.

Some of you sound like appalling parents if I'm honest. It like race to the bottom of the parenting pile on this thread today.

Why not just wrap your child up in bubble wrap and leave him in a cupboard? Letting him out for occasional meals of raw lentils and spinach.

Or @Hairyporker why take any safety precautions at all? Why not let them run feral and tie them to the roof rack for cae journeys? Survival of the fittest!
I mean, god forbid we should make sensible, informed choices about vulnerable children for whom we are responsible, based on current recommendations. That would just turn them into "snowflakes" right? Cafgeinated fizzy drinks not advised for a small baby? Pah! What do the experts know eh? RF is 5x safer than FF? Ha! Whatever, what would the neighbours think for goodness sake? I was taught to juggle knives at 2 and never did me any harm!

I apologise for typos - on a small phone. No apologies for flipping your moronic sarcasm on it's head though.

Oh and why not let my grandad her 20 Benson and Hedges while you're at it? When he was a kid cigarettes were sold as being beneficial to health! Any up-to-date research that we are now apparently lucky to be privy to is probably nonsense. What do experts know and stats show? He's still going strong so it must be fine. Don't be over-protective!

Yes you are being unreasonable.

Can anyone who is belittling or sneering at extended rear facing give me an actual really why it's bad or ridiculous? Other than "their legs look squashed"? Because I find lots of safety features to not be the most comfortable, yet I understand that they are there for my safety rather than for my comfort.
Also, don't all/most stage 1 car seats do rear facing? So it's literally no extra costs to do it. It is quite literally only your choice to forward face them. The child hasn't know any different up until that point, they are used to being in that position...it's not like putting a 30 year old in a RF carseat.

Also, am I the only person who doesn't get motion sickness travelling backwards?

I won't be mocked and belittled for trying my best for my child. OP shouldn't be either.

How do people who live by the sea 'secure' it? You can't eliminate all danger. She sounds ok to me.

Biancadelrioisback - no problem following the latest guidelines and advice. You shouldn't be mocked for trying to do that. Call your mother batshit, on the other hand, and you need extremely good evidence to justify being so offensive. Given that said mother could have taken the three year old on the bus without any kind of car seat whatsoever, I do not think strapping her into a forward facing seat was "batshit." Hyperbole just makes the OP sound exceptionally neurotic (as, indeed, her dh apparently thinks she is!).

I’ve never personally heard of a child over one being rear facing and I have four DC . I had no idea it was a thing...

The only thing that shocked me was the honey since all bottles of honey I’ve seen actually have warnings on not to give to infants.

She doesn’t sound overly batshit but it’s entirely up to you who you leave your DC with.

Jesus. I give up. All the shockers with their incredibly weird justifications for slack parenting have come out to play today. Are they having a competition to see who can win the most 'relaxed' approach to danger? People who live by the sea tend not to allow their 3yos to run about next to it without careful supervision! Sounds like OP's DM would not take the same approach in her back garden - ie lovking the back door to make sure she can't get out wouldn't occur to her. But yeah, a 7ft pond with a 3 year old and an extra casual granny is surely fine because some people live near the sea. So what could go wrong?

Walkaround okay, I appreciate that OPs wording is OTT and I wouldn't refer to someone who did the above as "batshit" but I do feel like the examples she has given are not to be sneered at. I would be furious if someone decided to move my son to a FF car seat without our consent. You don't get to make that decision for someone especially when they know that you are keeping them RF which OP says she did. The battery thing and the pond thing would worry me. It takes one accident and then they are gone forever. I limit risks wherever possible. Yes I know I can't protected them from everything but I certainly try to do my best. I'd be very hurt if someone was being so careless with the person who is my world.
The coke thing I would be miffed at, however it is an unconfirmed rumour so no idea if it even happened so can't really be taken into consideration.