AIBU by wanting my DH not to tell in-laws about our pregnancy?

[SallySparrow]

We found out about 3 weeks ago that we're expecting baby number 2, went in for an early scan dated about circa 6 weeks with heartbeat detected. Will be going My family have been told as basically they're our only childcare option and we need their support. Husband has also told his best friend who is like a brother to him, who is closer to him than his actual family are.

We're being very cautious, I had a previous missed miscarriage when I was 21 (now 32) and a difficult pregnancy with DS, with GDM, preeclampsia, high blood pressure, having to take blood thinners etc and will be facing the same complications with this pregnancy.

Issue arises with telling in laws, they despise me, blamed me for the miscarriage and told me constantly how various things I had done caused it while saying it wasn't a big deal and DH and should just get over it because it wasn't a real baby anyway. SIL also revelled in it, saying how she really enjoyed me miscarrying and was looking forward to getting pregnant so she could rub her pregnancy in our faces. SIL rules that family, tells them all what to think and do and has always used my DH as a skivvy, painting her house for free etc, watching her dog (her hatred of me stems from us getting engaged first and then having first grandchild on that side thus "stealing" these events from her). She spent the entirety of my pregnancy with DS loudly rooting for me to have a miscarriage or stillbirth. So her opinion of not being happy about this will be the family opinion of not being happy about this.

She told DH last night that she is expecting 2nd, due in September (no scan yet dates from lmp). Praying all is well with ours, our baby is due 1st week of October but with complications will likely only be allowed to go to 38 weeks, so babies will be very close, which is something SIL will be absolutely livid about.

Despite this DH wants to tell his family about baby 2. I don't want them to know. My pregnancies are difficult enough without having the added stress of his family's BS. They will not be happy for us/him, just like they weren't when we told them about DS. I don't want them to know till as late as possible (pref not till after baby is born but that's not likely) I don't need them criticizing me and cheering on the chance of me losing my baby again or delighting in the chance something might go wing. They have SIL baby to be excited about so aren't missing out on anything with baby excitement. They won't be supportive to DH and I can't see any benefit to telling them. They have practically zero interest in DS and only see him occasionally at one of their gatherings. They never call DH unless they want something from him or ask how DS is doing unless it's to say how SIL's DS is so much farther ahead (hers is 1.5 and apparently speaking in full sentences and is already able to read 4/5 letter words).

Sorry for the essay but I just want to know if IABU by suggesting he not tell his family until as late as possible?

I think you need to stop trying to use your DH in whatever this is between you and his sister. It's unfair on him.

Sort it out like grown ups.

Why do you see these people? If dh wants to fine, but you don't need to know /hear about anything they say /opinions at all.
They sound poison.

they despise me, blamed me for the miscarriage and told me constantly how various things I had done caused

SIL also revelled in it, saying how she really enjoyed me miscarrying and was looking forward to getting pregnant so she could rub her pregnancy in our faces

And you still have these people in your life?

I came in all ready to say YABU, but in fact I’m amazed that your DH wants to tell them considering what they were like before.

What are his reasons for wanting to share with them so early?

YANBU in not sharing your news with vile individuals who wish miscarriage and stillbirth on people. The added stress from them knowing is unnecessary. If you can avoid them entirely while you are pregnant, I think that would be much better for your physical and emotional well-being.

Your husband needs to grow a back bone and cut ties with these ppl. Family do not behave like this

The problem is your H is looking for approval from his family that isn’t available to him. They will find out eventually so I would focus my energies on keeping as much distance between you and them as possible.

His family is vile but your greatest issue is your DH’s inability to keep away from their emotional abuse. However, that doesn’t mean you have to expose you or your children to their vileness. If supporting your H involves putting up with his toxic family, then the price imo is too damn high.

I think you have serious boundary issues. Why do you have these people in your life? They sound unhinges. Why do you give them so much opportunity to be cruel to you?

Let DH tell them, ask him to wait until 12 weeks as that at least is a more ‘traditonal’ Date. Then refuse to see them - have DH go on his own. Block them on social media, refuse to look at their texts or answer phone calls.

Why would your DH want to share the fact of your pregnancy with someone who wishes your children dead before they're born??

tbh I’m not sure if I believe the whole SIL and family part is entirely true. Perhaps slightly exaggerated with you reflecting how you view them/situations. No one would be THAT crazy.

I do think you would have to tell them; especially as ur family already know.

Why are you not NC with these people? They sound absolutely fucking vile. Hoping for you to miscarry is evil, especialky from so-called family. I'd have nothing more to do with them

They sound terrible and I can totally understand wanting to wait and avoid any comments/nastiness but I think it will be so much worse if you don’t tell them at all. It doesn’t sound like your DH is willing to cut them out so perhaps compromise and wait until the 12 week scan so you can say you waited until you had a picture to show?

I think if you have told your family then it's unfair to tell him he can't tell his. That's a double standard.

You haven't told your family because you depend on them for childcare, you have told them because you wanted to, and vice versus with dhs family.

If you really wanted nobody to know, you could have told nobody. And thus caused no drama.
We're having dc3. We went for about 3 private scans before 9 weeks were we were told there was no heartbeat or that we were just there too early. And then another 2 before 12 weeks due to problems.
We didn't tell a soul until we were ready. Until then we booked scans when we knew the kids were in school or nursery, or asked my family to help out but said we had a hospital appointment and needed childcare for an hour.

Nobody forced you to tell your family so it's unfair for you to force him not to tell his. It's just another way women use pregnancy to control people. With

SIL also revelled in it, saying how she really enjoyed me miscarrying and was looking forward to getting pregnant so she could rub her pregnancy in our faces

Did she actually say this to you or did you hear it through the grapevine? If it’s exactly what she said to you face to face, then she is a vile, evil person who I would never speak or see again and certainly would never let any of my children near again.

Surely if your husband heard this, then he would never want to see them again either.

I first thought you were being unfair if your parents were told, then I read that your sil had wished harm on your unborn child frankly I would struggle to speak to any of these people again in laws or not.

SIL also revelled in it, saying how she really enjoyed me miscarrying and was looking forward to getting pregnant so she could rub her pregnancy in our faces

I’d she said that, why have them in your lives at all?!

I try to limit contact as much as possible. DH still goes to his family events but where I can avoid it, I do. He will occasionally pressure me into going as they start making comments about his lazy/stuck up wife to him or he wants to bring our son and wants me along to watch him. Unfortunately I'm unavoidably still seeing them several times a year.

As for him being stuck in the middle of a beef with myself and his sister, I had no issue with her until she started all this after my miscarriage. I don't talk to him about her, nor do I have any interest in groveling to her and apologising to her for having gotten pregnant before her or engaged before she did. She showed up to our wedding and loudly shouted (which DH postponed our until after hers by a number of years because she said she was unhappy about it being too close) about it being tacky, cheap, and nothing compared to hers. Told me on the day that I looked like a tramp in my wedding dress in front of all our guests to which MIL, FIL and other SIL laughed loudly. I said nothing and sucked it up but it honestly I'd what I remember when I think of our wedding day. DH still hopes that they'll be happy for him because he thinks that just because they're his family. He has a tendency to forgive and forget where his family are concerned. He will also tell me all about the things they say about me.

I don't want them to know about my pregnancy, because they'll make it into a competition and be loudly rooting for something horrible to happen to me or baby. He partially wants to tell them because he feels they have a 'right' to know since my family were told

Fucking hell, I can’t believe you haven’t gone NC with someone who said they enjoyed your miscarriage what an evil bitch!

YADNBU, I can’t believe your DH isn’t supporting you.

No way would I tell them or even see them ever again. If DH wants to go see them, he can do so on his own but never with the DC. You need to protect your DC from them - your SIL wanted your DC to be stillborn. There's no way she should ever be in the company of your precious DC ever again. I can't believe your DH still wants to associate with them when they wanted you to miscarry?! It would be completely NC for me and DC, if I were you.

Why are you in contact with them?

Oh and you have a major DH problem here by the way.

SIL comments not exaggerated. They were told both to my husband directly and in front of both us + other SIL. She threw a massive hissy fit when we got engaged, and again when she was told about our pregnancy with DS. His family first reaction was on the news of both was "Oh SIL will be very unhappy".

Actually we did tell my family for childcare, they will be watching DS when I go for clinic appointments and especially scans, as children are not allowed in the scan room in the hospital DH will not be present for any scans if my family are told why we need them to watch DS mid week. It's not a double standard, it's a necessity!

Your husband's family sound like utter shits, but your husband isn't coming out of this well either.

they start making comments about his lazy/stuck up wife to him

Does he defend you when they spout this shit?

he wants to bring our son and wants me along to watch him.

Is he incapable of watching his own son?

which DH postponed our until after hers by a number of years

Why did he feel this was the correct thing to do, rather than tell his sister that he could get married whenever he wanted to.

Told me on the day that I looked like a tramp in my wedding dress in front of all our guests

Presumably he also heard this comment, and didn't call them out on their bullying.

I really don't think your problems are just with his family, he also seems to have no respect for you and has proven time and time again that he values them and their opinions more than yours.

This isn't a marriage I would want to be a part of, as you'll always come second to his family.

It's not often I'm utterly gobsmacked by a thread on here, but your SIL's comments are shocking and she really takes the biscuit for being an unmitigated vindictive spiteful bitch. The rest of them are as bad for letting her get away with it.

Agree with others, your DH needs to grow a backbone and cut ties with these despicable people.

You didn’t need to tell your family. You could’ve said you had an appointment. You clearly wanted to tell them as you feel they are supportive.
If people treat you like shit then don’t see them. DH and you need to make a decision. Personally I wouldn’t have anything to do with anyone who treated me so badly. And I know my DH wouldn’t either. They won’t change.