AIBU by wanting my DH not to tell in-laws about our pregnancy?

[SallySparrow]

We found out about 3 weeks ago that we're expecting baby number 2, went in for an early scan dated about circa 6 weeks with heartbeat detected. Will be going My family have been told as basically they're our only childcare option and we need their support. Husband has also told his best friend who is like a brother to him, who is closer to him than his actual family are.

We're being very cautious, I had a previous missed miscarriage when I was 21 (now 32) and a difficult pregnancy with DS, with GDM, preeclampsia, high blood pressure, having to take blood thinners etc and will be facing the same complications with this pregnancy.

Issue arises with telling in laws, they despise me, blamed me for the miscarriage and told me constantly how various things I had done caused it while saying it wasn't a big deal and DH and should just get over it because it wasn't a real baby anyway. SIL also revelled in it, saying how she really enjoyed me miscarrying and was looking forward to getting pregnant so she could rub her pregnancy in our faces. SIL rules that family, tells them all what to think and do and has always used my DH as a skivvy, painting her house for free etc, watching her dog (her hatred of me stems from us getting engaged first and then having first grandchild on that side thus "stealing" these events from her). She spent the entirety of my pregnancy with DS loudly rooting for me to have a miscarriage or stillbirth. So her opinion of not being happy about this will be the family opinion of not being happy about this.

She told DH last night that she is expecting 2nd, due in September (no scan yet dates from lmp). Praying all is well with ours, our baby is due 1st week of October but with complications will likely only be allowed to go to 38 weeks, so babies will be very close, which is something SIL will be absolutely livid about.

Despite this DH wants to tell his family about baby 2. I don't want them to know. My pregnancies are difficult enough without having the added stress of his family's BS. They will not be happy for us/him, just like they weren't when we told them about DS. I don't want them to know till as late as possible (pref not till after baby is born but that's not likely) I don't need them criticizing me and cheering on the chance of me losing my baby again or delighting in the chance something might go wing. They have SIL baby to be excited about so aren't missing out on anything with baby excitement. They won't be supportive to DH and I can't see any benefit to telling them. They have practically zero interest in DS and only see him occasionally at one of their gatherings. They never call DH unless they want something from him or ask how DS is doing unless it's to say how SIL's DS is so much farther ahead (hers is 1.5 and apparently speaking in full sentences and is already able to read 4/5 letter words).

Sorry for the essay but I just want to know if IABU by suggesting he not tell his family until as late as possible?

Why would you have ANYTHING to do with someone who was loudly rooting for me to have a miscarriage or stillbirth?

That is utterly despicable

Congratulations on your pregnancy

YANBU to wish he wouldn’t tell them but I think he’s going to anyway.

It might seem difficult but you really don’t have to see them. You say it’s unavoidable but it’s not. Just cut ties with them yourself, your husband can see them if he wants to, but you can and should protect yourself by having nothing to do with them and telling him you don’t want to hear anything about them including any opinions they have about you and your pregnancy.

I’m appalled anyone on here is defending the SIL and trying to suggest you’re in any way unreasonable.

I'm struggling to believe that either of you would in in contact with his family if they're really that bad.

Your DH need to put his family first that is you your DS and your unborn little one that he not doing that and he allowed anyone to speak to you like that is very telling. I had a shocking relationship with my in laws and DH (before he was DH) was very much like yours then one day he had enough he moved out we moved in together and told his parents we're together and when they could be decent to me they know where we are. It took a little while but We get on amazing now. Incedently now I don't know how I would cope without my MIL she stays with us often and is a godsend. In her defence for the past she had depression and was terrified of loosing her son. I won't ever forget what happened but all is forgiven.

There is so much wrong with this.
He should be defending you
He shouldn't be passing all this info/stress to you.
I seriously wouldn't be going to any family do's to be treated like this, pregnant or not.
Could you agree you will tell pil at 12 weeks or when the pregnancy is more secure?
Congratulations

Jesus, your DH needs to grow a backbone and stick up for you. If my DH let his family get away with speaking to me, and about me like that, I would refuse to have any contact with them; them seeing my child would be conditional on them not badmouthing me to/in front of them; and TBH I would be seriously considering my relationship.

Poor you they sound vile, but you really don't have to put up with it.

He can tell them what he likes, but you should refuse to see them during your pregnancy (and tell him you don't want report backs of anything they say). Congratulations and good luck with it.

😳 1st congratulations on your pregnancy. Secondly tell your Dh to grow a set and he needs to stand up for you and get on the same page. I would go completely NC with those vile people. Explain it to Dh that if he can't stand by you and let's your in laws speak to you in that manner and has no gumption then he would be best off by himself. I would never let anyone speak to me or my family the way they have to you. My heart goes out to you, it's a horrible situation to be in. My own mil threw a complete emotional breakdown after my 1dt child was born. I had been in hospital for 4 days and only home, they had been to visit twice in that time at hospital. But because I wouldn't drive for an hour down to her dil for dinner I was unreasonable. I could hardly sit... Let alone in a car for an hour!! I told her she was being unreasonable and when she spoke to me in a proper manner and behaved like an adult, she was welcome to our home. Anytime. Things are much better now. Sometimes you just have to take the stand and refuse to back down. You don't deserve nor do you need to endure this abuse. Xxx good luck with everything xx

What kind of weak excuse for a human being have you married OP?

He delayed your wedding to mollify his toxic sister? He didn't do anything when his family joined in with her spite during your wedding?

He tells you the awful things they are saying about you?

He forgives and forgets their abuse of his wife?

He doesn't deserve you, your son or the child you are now carrying. His family don't deserve you or your children either.

His primary instinct should be protection of you and your children, instead he is effectively condoning their treatment of you.

Protect yourself and your children and keep them well away from these people, if your husband cannot or will not do that then you have a major problem with him.

YANBU. I would have nothing to do with them based on their previous behaviour and I would be doubting my marriage if my H behaved like yours. However given my own family background I do understand about the FOG and the desire to have a family like everyone else’s. I think here you have a DH problem rather than anything else and I would be tackling that before anything else, even if it is just him getting counselling to help him deal with things

You have a dh problem. Not an in law problem.

Why would he let them talk to & treat you like they do? Why would he pander to the sil and postpone your wedding? That alone should tell you what you need to know.

And why the absolute fuck would he still speak to people that wished miscarriage or stillbirth on you both??? I'd tell him to get to fuck if he still expected me to go to any events with him. And my children would be having nothing to do with them either.

You need to tell him that he needs to out you and your family (DC)/feelings first.

Why the fuck are any of you still talking to these people??????? Your SIL is a fucking Evil cunt!

Seriously just go NC with these awful people.

@waffilyversati1e
Your telling op to grow up?
Have you seen the shit the sil has been saying?
Ops DH should be supporting her but he sounds like a weak twat.
I wouldn’t see them again and would minimise contact with them for your child op. Your Dh isn’t going to protect him.

The fact your husband insists you and your ds have contact with foul, abusive people who wish your dc dead says 3 things.

You have a massive dh issue, he needs counselling here.
He does not have you or your childrens back at all
Its unfair, stressful and pretty abusive of him imo for him to insist you both have this contact and are abused by it. He is encouraging and enabling it.

People focusing on double standards either aren't reading the whole OP and thread or have serious boundry issues if they have and can only see double standards from all that hate. His family are abusive and cruel, you should not have to suffer them or their abuse.

Another one saying that you have a DH problem.

If he wants to see them, then that's on him. You don't have to - and why the fuck should you?

He sounds spineless and weak; standing by allowing his wife to be slagged off. Pressuring you to see them because if you don't then he'll get grief from them.

When he comes back and relates every unpleasant comment to you, does he tell you that he defended you? That he told them that unless they stop being vile towards his wife that he won't see them? Presumably not.

How on earth do you find him attractive? Knowing that he's so desperate not to rock the boat with his precious sister and her tantrums, that he'll allow the most awful things to be said about you? How would he feel if the situation was reversed?

I cut a member of my family off because they said something extremely nasty - and untrue - about my husband. I know he'd do the same for me. Why isn't your 'D'H standing up for you?

Oh and I would absolutely be refusing to see these people. And if he pressures you them tell him to grow a pair. And that you don't want to hear what they have to say. If he tries to tell you, cut him off and leave the room. Why should you have to listen to a load of shite when you've made it explicitly clear that you want nothing to do with them?

I think you need to stop trying to use your DH in whatever this is between you and his sister. It's unfair on him.

What? The woman openly said she wanted OP to miscarry. I would fully expect my DP to be involved. Aside from the fact his sister said horrible things to his wife, she was talking about wanting his baby to die! In what possible way is OP the one being unfair here.

There is no way I would ever see these people and neither would my children. If your dh wants to continue a relationship, that would be up to him but I would have nothing to do with any of them.

If this is actually true and she verbatim said
she really enjoyed me miscarrying and was looking forward to getting pregnant so she could rub her pregnancy in our faces.
In front of your DH then you have a massive problem with your husband.

what is his explanation or Defense for her “enjoying your miscarriage”

My mind is blown by this in particular.
YANBU but I’d be going no contact myself (irrespective of husband) and facilitating no contact for your children at all with any of them.

Yes, sorry OP but your update about has made your DH sound massively shit. Why is he not defending you?

Honestly, I probably only see my In-laws a few times a year, and they’re absolutely lovely. If they actively rooted for me to lose my baby I would never see them again!

He’s going to tell them, but I would tell him that as soon as I heard anything not pleasant and congratulatory I would never see his family again. There is no unavoidably a few times a year, there is just no I am never seeing those evil people who wished our son dead and treat both of us like shit on their shoe again. Never. Probably not going to their funeral. So you tell them if you really really have to but the first negative thing I hear that’s it.
Send your dh to counselling if you can.

Clearly you do have a DH problem but if you are going to put up with him being in contact then at some point they will know about the pregnancy. You need to agree a compromise. When would you be comfortable?

Id be going nc with the lot of your inlaws as they sound hideous. Your dh should be on your side not theirs

None of that is remotely normal behaviour.

I think you should tell DH he can tell them on the condition that you don’t have to see them at all during your pregnancy, as it stresses you, and you don’t want any comments they make about you or DS coming back to your home. He then “wins” in that his family knows, which is important to him, and your boundaries are established.

I think you should refuse to visit them as well, but that’s trickier, as it may affect your marital relationship.

None of that is remotely normal behaviour.

Agreed, there was a recent thread which said people on Mumsnet were too quick to say LTB. People on the thread argued that some posters needed to be told this, as they had put up with situations for so long they had no idea what normal was any more. I get the feeling the OP is one of those people.

The fact that she continues to see her husbands family despite such abhorrent comments and behaviour is worrying. As is the fact that she is about to have another child with a man who sees nothing wrong in the way his family speak and act towards her.

Honestly OP you get one life Do you really want to spend it with a man who has no respect for you. Or around his family who think nothing of wishing your children would die, and make such vile and repulsive comments about you in front of your friends, family and children?