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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU by wanting my DH not to tell in-laws about our pregnancy?

105 replies

SallySparrow · 16/02/2019 09:33

We found out about 3 weeks ago that we're expecting baby number 2, went in for an early scan dated about circa 6 weeks with heartbeat detected. Will be going My family have been told as basically they're our only childcare option and we need their support. Husband has also told his best friend who is like a brother to him, who is closer to him than his actual family are.

We're being very cautious, I had a previous missed miscarriage when I was 21 (now 32) and a difficult pregnancy with DS, with GDM, preeclampsia, high blood pressure, having to take blood thinners etc and will be facing the same complications with this pregnancy.

Issue arises with telling in laws, they despise me, blamed me for the miscarriage and told me constantly how various things I had done caused it while saying it wasn't a big deal and DH and should just get over it because it wasn't a real baby anyway. SIL also revelled in it, saying how she really enjoyed me miscarrying and was looking forward to getting pregnant so she could rub her pregnancy in our faces. SIL rules that family, tells them all what to think and do and has always used my DH as a skivvy, painting her house for free etc, watching her dog (her hatred of me stems from us getting engaged first and then having first grandchild on that side thus "stealing" these events from her). She spent the entirety of my pregnancy with DS loudly rooting for me to have a miscarriage or stillbirth. So her opinion of not being happy about this will be the family opinion of not being happy about this.

She told DH last night that she is expecting 2nd, due in September (no scan yet dates from lmp). Praying all is well with ours, our baby is due 1st week of October but with complications will likely only be allowed to go to 38 weeks, so babies will be very close, which is something SIL will be absolutely livid about.

Despite this DH wants to tell his family about baby 2. I don't want them to know. My pregnancies are difficult enough without having the added stress of his family's BS. They will not be happy for us/him, just like they weren't when we told them about DS. I don't want them to know till as late as possible (pref not till after baby is born but that's not likely) I don't need them criticizing me and cheering on the chance of me losing my baby again or delighting in the chance something might go wing. They have SIL baby to be excited about so aren't missing out on anything with baby excitement. They won't be supportive to DH and I can't see any benefit to telling them. They have practically zero interest in DS and only see him occasionally at one of their gatherings. They never call DH unless they want something from him or ask how DS is doing unless it's to say how SIL's DS is so much farther ahead (hers is 1.5 and apparently speaking in full sentences and is already able to read 4/5 letter words).

Sorry for the essay but I just want to know if IABU by suggesting he not tell his family until as late as possible?

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 16/02/2019 11:37

Aw come on now OP, if this is what is going on then you and dh need to stop pandering to it. I really struggle to believe sil says all these things and no one says anything to her. I'm presuming other people at the wedding heard this?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/02/2019 11:44

You DHs family sound poisonous!

TBH, if I were you I would cut all contact. They are treating you appallingly, and they will treat your beautiful children badly too, in the future.

Your children won't notice this when they are tiny, but as they get older - 3 or 4 - they will realise that you, and they are being treated like sh*t, and it will affect their self-esteem and their confidence or the rest of their lives.

Look what that horrible family has done to your DH - he doesn't even realise haw badly they are treating him - he's lived it so long that he cannot see it!.

Don't let the same happen to your children.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Wishing you a healthy, easy pregnancy with nothing to worry or stress about, and an uncomplicated birth.

Hadalifeonce · 16/02/2019 11:48

If my DH heard anyone, family included, speaking to/about me like this, he would have no hesitation in telling them where to get off, and never, ever speak with them again. This is exactly what your DH should be doing. Your DH is absolutely condoning their treatment of you, it's appalling, if he does nothing to support you, you will be stuck in this unsupported relationship for the rest of your life, or until such time as you decide you will no longer put up with it, and leave.

paintinmyhairAgain · 16/02/2019 11:50

to be honest i wouldn't have had a 2nd dc with this man because i would have already left him, as he's not stood up to this toxic crap.

GreenTulips · 16/02/2019 11:52

You need to put DH firmly in his place

You can tel them BUT I do not want to hear any of their comments. I will not be visiting or have them visit. I will not engage in any competitive crap they spout

Disengage and ignore - he needs to feel the pressure of their nastiness

DishingOutDone · 16/02/2019 11:52

Unfortunately I'm unavoidably still seeing them several times a year.

How is it unavoidable? Surely you should be looking to separate ASAP? Why on earth would you want to stay with him?

Mummyshark2018 · 16/02/2019 11:57

If what you've said is 100% accurate then why do you continue to see them, even a few times a year. Your dh needs to grow a backbone and priorities you and dc.

paintinmyhairAgain · 16/02/2019 12:00

green that sounds the way to go.

RedDogsBeg · 16/02/2019 12:02

As well as your dh condoning and therefore viewing their treatment of you as acceptable he is also condoning their abuse towards your son - he has forgiven people who wished his son dead, how can he possibly look at his son and want to forgive or forget that?

Apple103 · 16/02/2019 12:06

Sorry but I struggle to find sympathy for you because you knew very well the type of man your DH is yet you still chose to have a child with him .

Yes they are vile BUT you know exactly how much your dh allows this. So you can fight them all you want but your real problem is you dh not them.

GummyGoddess · 16/02/2019 12:07

What's your husbands excuse for still seeing someone who was happy one of his children died and then was hoping his next child died? Or indeed seeing anyone who thinks that someone enjoying such horrific things is ok as his family clearly do?

findingmyfeet12 · 16/02/2019 12:07

I'm afraid I don't believe most of your story op.

EatToTheBeet · 16/02/2019 12:07

What do you mean if you can avoid family events you do??? There isn’t an if!

And I agree with Ice. I wouldn’t stay in a marriage where my husband made me see people who had cheered a miscarriage and loudly hoped I’d have another one. It’s madness.

Crunchymum · 16/02/2019 12:08

Your DH needs to man the fuck up, get some self respect and go NC with these people.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like this..... yes you can argue he is a victim of abuse, but given he has never tried to do anything to break he cycle, I couldn't be with him. He is now allowing you and your child to be abused as well.

deadliftgirl · 16/02/2019 12:10

SallySparrow

I haven't read the full thread sorry!

What does your husband think about the way his family are treating you? Like the wedding dress comments and the disgusting attitudes after your MC, is he aware of all of this or does he think your overreacting?

My husband loves his family but he would never stand for anyone treating me this way. As a compromise as they are still his family tell your husband that you would rather wait until your 20 weeks pregnant. By that time any high chance of MC has passed. Get him to tell them on his own so you do not need to be there and just do not have contact with them at least until after your baby is born.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 16/02/2019 12:12

Regarding the LTB comments. I don't think it necessarily needs to come to that. DH has grown up in a horribly abusive environment and to him, this is 'normal'. He's deep in what's commonly known as the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and one of these days it might clear. Or perhaps it won't. In any event they're never going to change, and nor will he. You can't control others' actions; the only thing that can change is you. And as he hasn't protected you, it's now come down to you to protect yourself.

Two things you shouldn't do. One is try to stop him having a relationship with this hideous bunch of people. It won't work: and you can't physically stop him telling them about the pregnancy if he decides he's going to do that, either. I think the above PP's suggestion is excellent: he tells them, but in return it's NC with you and you don't want to hear about anything they have to say. With any luck, this will set a permanent precedent (in fact, I think it's a better deal than not actually telling them in the first place).

The other thing you shouldn't do is let things carry on the way they are. You have a right to expect better treatment for yourself than this. DH can carry on in his relationship with them but no matter how much he guilt-trips you, he can't force you to do so. Nor would I ever want any child of mine around a toxic relative who'd been actively wishing for their deaths. Your pregnancy is as good a reason as any for stopping all contact as of now.

If this causes problems in the marriage, so be it. Hate to say it, but the marriage is into injury time already, and that's purely because of your DH's unwillingness to deal proactively with this situation. It's come to this because he tolerated them calling you a tramp at your own wedding and wishing a miscarriage - an experience I'd wish on absolutely nobody - on their own nephew/niece/grandchild. He could have nipped this in the bud. He chose not to: and these are the consequences of that decision.

I hope you manage to salvage your marriage without these monstrous people in it, but at the very least, you need to protect yourself and your children as nothing good will ever come from these people. Good luck, OP.

MeOldChina · 16/02/2019 12:13

I can't believe that your DH would have anything to do with anyone who wished for his child to be stillborn, sister or not.

Thurmanmurman · 16/02/2019 12:15

If my DH let his family treat me like this he would be an ex. They are disgusting human beings and you shouldn’t allow them access to your DC.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 16/02/2019 12:19

FindingMyFeet - who appointed you as the Truth Police? My first instinct is that it may be exaggerated as surely nobody is this vile, but life experience has taught me differently. Unfortunately, they are. The world is sadly full of corrosive, mean-souled, destructive and abusive people. If the post is false, then it doesn't really affect me either way. But I'm willing to take what OP says at face value if it makes it possible to help someone on the receiving end of such abuse (perhaps, likewise, other readers too).

If you don't believe the story, you have the option not to engage.

IceRebel · 16/02/2019 12:21

Regarding the LTB comments. I don't think it necessarily needs to come to that.

Honestly if he is still happy to see a family member who wished his unborn child would die, and you don't think the OP should leave the relationship then I despair. He's had plenty of time to change and hasn't done so, and a shitty childhood does not excuse what he is allowing to happen.

You can be happy in life without a partner. Why would anyone want to remain married to a man who spends time with such abhorrent people, whether they are family or not?

Fraying · 16/02/2019 12:30

Your DH tells you what they say. Why? That's abusive.
I'd tell him he can tell his family if he wants but you don't want to hear any of their responses. You don't want him reporting back any comments at all.
Then refuse to attend any future family events.
If they are as bad as you say, I don't understand why you haven't cut contact and I also don't understand why you're allowing your DH to bring this stress back to you.

findingmyfeet12 · 16/02/2019 12:40

The same person who appointed you the MN police Mariel Grin

Nanny0gg · 16/02/2019 12:49

Unfortunately I'm unavoidably still seeing them several times a year.

No. It is avoidable. I think you have s DH problem. He needs to sort them out or cut them off. And you and your DC shouldn't go near.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/02/2019 12:55

Wow I don't know how your dh can still be in contact with people that treat his wife like that, let alone tell them this good news, they don't deserve to know. Your dh needs to grow a spine and start supporting you.

namechanger2019 · 16/02/2019 12:56

I am seriously finding this hard to believe.

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