AIBU by wanting my DH not to tell in-laws about our pregnancy?

[SallySparrow]

We found out about 3 weeks ago that we're expecting baby number 2, went in for an early scan dated about circa 6 weeks with heartbeat detected. Will be going My family have been told as basically they're our only childcare option and we need their support. Husband has also told his best friend who is like a brother to him, who is closer to him than his actual family are.

We're being very cautious, I had a previous missed miscarriage when I was 21 (now 32) and a difficult pregnancy with DS, with GDM, preeclampsia, high blood pressure, having to take blood thinners etc and will be facing the same complications with this pregnancy.

Issue arises with telling in laws, they despise me, blamed me for the miscarriage and told me constantly how various things I had done caused it while saying it wasn't a big deal and DH and should just get over it because it wasn't a real baby anyway. SIL also revelled in it, saying how she really enjoyed me miscarrying and was looking forward to getting pregnant so she could rub her pregnancy in our faces. SIL rules that family, tells them all what to think and do and has always used my DH as a skivvy, painting her house for free etc, watching her dog (her hatred of me stems from us getting engaged first and then having first grandchild on that side thus "stealing" these events from her). She spent the entirety of my pregnancy with DS loudly rooting for me to have a miscarriage or stillbirth. So her opinion of not being happy about this will be the family opinion of not being happy about this.

She told DH last night that she is expecting 2nd, due in September (no scan yet dates from lmp). Praying all is well with ours, our baby is due 1st week of October but with complications will likely only be allowed to go to 38 weeks, so babies will be very close, which is something SIL will be absolutely livid about.

Despite this DH wants to tell his family about baby 2. I don't want them to know. My pregnancies are difficult enough without having the added stress of his family's BS. They will not be happy for us/him, just like they weren't when we told them about DS. I don't want them to know till as late as possible (pref not till after baby is born but that's not likely) I don't need them criticizing me and cheering on the chance of me losing my baby again or delighting in the chance something might go wing. They have SIL baby to be excited about so aren't missing out on anything with baby excitement. They won't be supportive to DH and I can't see any benefit to telling them. They have practically zero interest in DS and only see him occasionally at one of their gatherings. They never call DH unless they want something from him or ask how DS is doing unless it's to say how SIL's DS is so much farther ahead (hers is 1.5 and apparently speaking in full sentences and is already able to read 4/5 letter words).

Sorry for the essay but I just want to know if IABU by suggesting he not tell his family until as late as possible?

Your DH clearly needs WAY more counselling if he thinks this shit show is okay.

You DO have a choice om whether or not to see his family. Stop going.

She'll get at him - how will she, if she doesn't know?

By telling them, he's leaving you open to more abuse. He's prioritising his "obligation" over your welfare. How on earth can he think this is acceptable? Doesn't he love and care about you? If he does, then why isn't he putting your well-being first?

I don't think you are taking the posts in. You are ignoring the fact that your DH insists that you go - so that you cannot avoid seeing them. Why would he force you to go when he knows it's putting you face-to-face with awful comments and abuse? He tells you everything that they say - why would he do that? He knows that it hurts you and makes you feel bad, so why does he do it?

You have a husband problem.

Is he not aware of how ill this is making you, and how the stress is more likely to cause pregnancy problems for you? Could you ask him to speak to your midwife about this at the ante-natal clinic? She could explain - he may think that your pregnancy hormones are making you unreasonable - they aren't!

You could ask him to at least wait until you are safely past the 12 week stage in your pregnancy - most people don't announce a pregnancy until they are past this point, as the first trimester is the most risky from the baby's POV. (Sorry to mention this because I know you won't even want to think that anything may go wrong - but it's a fact of life that most miscarriages occur in the early weeks, and excessive stress increases your risk.)

God forbid that anything should happen, but your SIL will be even more insufferable if something does and she knows about it.

My heart aches for you - you shouldn't have to deal with this sort of rubbish.

It's just another way women use pregnancy to control people

WTF?!

Ignoring some of the more batshit advice... there's no double standard about telling your family and not his, because your family are sane and his are abusive. I think you and DH need counselling together to help him understand that about his family; and help him understand that passing on what they say, and doing things like postponing a wedding to placate his sister, perpetuates their dynamic.

In the meantime, let him tell them: they can't actually do anything. But you can go NC, you can refuse to go to a single his-family event; you can block crazy SIL's number/email/social media, you can refuse to let them visit your house (and definitely not let them visit after the birth!). And you can make clear to DH that whatever she says, you do not want or need to hear it. You can't stop him maintaining contact until he figures out for himself that they're toxic, but you can change what you do in relation to them. If he can't agree to them not visiting/not telling you the vile things you say, you really do have a DH problem.

He can not control his sister’s reaction only his exposure to it. Stop being his buffer/ human shield. He may not consciously be using you to shield himself from their worse behaviours but it is what he’s doing. His role in the family dynamic is very entrenched and he will repeat the same behaviours with your children if you don’t check him on it now. You can not support him by enabling him to involve you in his appeasement of his family

Distance yourself from them and let him take the brunt of their nastiness.