AIBU by wanting my DH not to tell in-laws about our pregnancy?

[SallySparrow]

We found out about 3 weeks ago that we're expecting baby number 2, went in for an early scan dated about circa 6 weeks with heartbeat detected. Will be going My family have been told as basically they're our only childcare option and we need their support. Husband has also told his best friend who is like a brother to him, who is closer to him than his actual family are.

We're being very cautious, I had a previous missed miscarriage when I was 21 (now 32) and a difficult pregnancy with DS, with GDM, preeclampsia, high blood pressure, having to take blood thinners etc and will be facing the same complications with this pregnancy.

Issue arises with telling in laws, they despise me, blamed me for the miscarriage and told me constantly how various things I had done caused it while saying it wasn't a big deal and DH and should just get over it because it wasn't a real baby anyway. SIL also revelled in it, saying how she really enjoyed me miscarrying and was looking forward to getting pregnant so she could rub her pregnancy in our faces. SIL rules that family, tells them all what to think and do and has always used my DH as a skivvy, painting her house for free etc, watching her dog (her hatred of me stems from us getting engaged first and then having first grandchild on that side thus "stealing" these events from her). She spent the entirety of my pregnancy with DS loudly rooting for me to have a miscarriage or stillbirth. So her opinion of not being happy about this will be the family opinion of not being happy about this.

She told DH last night that she is expecting 2nd, due in September (no scan yet dates from lmp). Praying all is well with ours, our baby is due 1st week of October but with complications will likely only be allowed to go to 38 weeks, so babies will be very close, which is something SIL will be absolutely livid about.

Despite this DH wants to tell his family about baby 2. I don't want them to know. My pregnancies are difficult enough without having the added stress of his family's BS. They will not be happy for us/him, just like they weren't when we told them about DS. I don't want them to know till as late as possible (pref not till after baby is born but that's not likely) I don't need them criticizing me and cheering on the chance of me losing my baby again or delighting in the chance something might go wing. They have SIL baby to be excited about so aren't missing out on anything with baby excitement. They won't be supportive to DH and I can't see any benefit to telling them. They have practically zero interest in DS and only see him occasionally at one of their gatherings. They never call DH unless they want something from him or ask how DS is doing unless it's to say how SIL's DS is so much farther ahead (hers is 1.5 and apparently speaking in full sentences and is already able to read 4/5 letter words).

Sorry for the essay but I just want to know if IABU by suggesting he not tell his family until as late as possible?

same. I just can’t imagine a SIL saying things like that directly in front of their brother and his wife.

and then the brother having no problem with that

I'm horrified your husband has any contact with these people after talking about his wife and child in such a manner

Not one person in his family has put this vile person in her place? If this is genuinely true then why are you still having anything to do with them or DH. Why would he want his child to have a relationship with someone who wanted him dead.

You have a MAJOR DH problem. Postponing the wedding should have been a warning sign, let alone the rest!

How did your own parents treat you? Your boundaries seem massively skewed. I can't believe you are putting up with any of this shit.

Have you read "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward? I strongly recommend it. And see if you can persuade him to read "Toxic Parents" by the same author.

How can anybody bear to be in the same room with your SIL? Does she even have any friends? I can't imagine wanting to be around someone who openly wishes miscarriage on another woman. That's sociopath-level sick in the head stuff. You have absolutely zero obligation to expose your children to someone who wanted them dead before they were born, or to your in-laws who indulge that kind of thing.

Your husband, though - well, it's never easy to sever with family members, even when they're vile, so I can feel for him, I guess. But you and your children should be his priority 100% and if he can't understand that then he needs counseling.

Regarding the LTB comments. I don't think it necessarily needs to come to that.

I disagree, it very much does need to come to that. Any man who wants his child to have a relationship with people who wished that child dead and who wished pain and harm on his wife is not a man worth having any kind of relationship with.

I knew someone would mention FOG as a way to minimise or excuse his behaviour, sorry, but that doesn't cut any ice with me. He has a supportive wife and supportive in-laws, he can see that the behaviour of his family is unacceptable, he can see the harm it is doing to his wife and his son, he just doesn't care enough to address it.

She wished his child dead, she's is no sister she is evil.
Good luck with your pregnancy OP, I would hold off telling them for as long as possible and cut them out of your life completely. X

tbh I’m not sure if I believe the whole SIL and family part is entirely true. Perhaps slightly exaggerated with you reflecting how you view them/situations. No one would be THAT crazy

You sound very naive. Human beings can be disgusting to others. And it's not helpful to the OP.

What sort of family is this??

The bigger issue is why does your DH even want them in his life.

YADNBU.
You have a massive in-law problem but you also have a big DH problem.

If my family behaved like that towwrds my DH we'd be NC. I hope he would be the same if his family behaved badly.

Sometimes I desperately hope posters are trolls or exaggerating because I really hope there are not people this vile on the world.

OP YANBU and I would go NC with this lot.

Pregnancy forever are you for real!!

How on earth can you compare her family too his. If hers was raining down emotional abuse on them people would be saying don't tell her family!!

I can't imagine that this is the full story. Why does she hate you so much?

I would genuinely leave my husband if he expected me to associate with anyone who had said those things to or about me

At 6 weeks gestation how do u know if you are going to have the same pregnancy issues? Every pregnancy is different but you are already seeing specialists?

Bloody hell if it was me I wouldn't tell at all! I'd be too stressed about what they're saying behind my back

Horrible nasty people

Thanks for all the replies, I'm still reading through them and taking it all in.

So what if I told my family because they'll be supportive? Why is that so bad? Losing my baby was literally the worst time of my life. Am I shit person for wanting to someone to have my back if that happens again? They live far away and I need to drop off my son the night before, that's partially why I need to keep them in the loop. Other hospital appointments I have don't mind me bringing him, but I don't need the stress of making stuff up to them when they're doing me a favor. Its not looking for drama, it's wanting to not be in a position again where I was so isolated and alone I was suicidal for more than 3 years after.

Regards to why he's put up with it, their whole family is massive toxic miasma. SIL is very controlling and manipulative, plays the victim constantly, gaslighting and pulling unbelievable behaviors or saying things because most people won't believe that someone would actually do that. She is also violent (DH was/is consistently bullied by her throughout his life, and younger SIL was subject to literal beatings several times when she tried pull away from her). MIL and FIL are divorced and defer to SIL as defacto family head. Both of them have had partners leave them because of her. SIL dumped partners on her say so. FIL was only 'allowed' to marry SMIL with her blessing (in that he told us he actually asked SIL's permission before he proposed to his girlfriend like it was a funny story). She tried it with DH and me but he told her to fuck off.

DH is getting better with pulling away, he is for the most part NC other than family gatherings which he feels obligated to. FIL will frequently take SIL's side and emotionally blackmail DH. Telling my DH how unreasonable he is being to her by NC, and how she is heartbroken and so is he that his children are not speaking to each other. This just BS obviously to get him back into the fold and under the thumb and away from the bad influence (me). He's in counseling now to deal with it but he still reverts back to wanting their approval (which is why I think he wants to tell them about our baby).

When she said the stuff about my miscarriage, they were at different time. Her relishing it had happened was at the time of it, she was very vocal about being as cruel as possible. DH and I were both young and he was still very much in the fold and I had had no previous experience of her being like this so was processing losing my child and this BS on top, I reverted inwards and blamed myself. The second incident where she was saying that she was going to get pregnant and enjoying rubbing it in our faces was after She married and after her wedding she came back off her honeymoon and we were all at MIL's house when she said it. I was gobsmacked, DH said what the hell and before he could say anything else the rest of them were scolding us for not being able to take a joke.

SIL will throw a fit as her baby will be due around the same time and she will not like that. I don't see the benefits of telling them if their not going to be supportive or happy for us but instead only cause us stress. He has indicated he wants to because he doesn't want her to 'get to him about it' whatever that means, he still thinks they'll be happy (they won't) and he's an obligation to tell them as their his family. I like the suggestions of telling him not to say anything till after the dating scan but not sure he'll go along with it.

I think what you need to do Sally is carry on reading the replies and actually take it in, because your latest post just says the same thing again. Your DH is perpetuating this by remaining in contact, and you are enabling him. If people are cruel and abusive, you walk away from them. If you haven't got the strength to do that, then sadly you will continue to be on the receiving end. No one will post something helpful to support you and your DH to continue living like this.

He has indicated he wants to because he doesn't want her to 'get to him about it' whatever that means

She won't 'get to him' if he removes himself totally from her sphere of influence.

he still thinks they'll be happy (they won't) and he's an obligation to tell them as their his family.

His obligation is to you and the family you have together he owes them nothing and the only approval he should be seeking is yours. He will be bringing stress down onto you at a time you really don't need it, how can he justify this to you?

She tried it with DH and me but he told her to fuck off.

This shows he does have it in him to stand up to her and the wider family yet he capitulated to her demands to move your wedding, why?

I suggest you ask your husband to discuss this decision with his counsellor before telling his family. She may be able to help him make sense of the whole mess.

Good luck with your pregnancy

I'd be nc with ils if I was you. let dh see them if he wants, but he should be supporting you and going nc himself.
I would be mad that he did all these things for his sister after the way she treated you, it's clear where his loyalty lies.
You don't have any loyalties there and can tell them to shuv off.

Obviously your DH should have absolutely no contact with his vile sister, but sometimes "family loyalty" is so ingrained in people, they will allow so much shit to go on.

You dont have to though, i wouldn't be going round there anymore, not for family gatherings or a million pound! If he wants to be her punching bag then tell him to crack on!

Congratulations om your pregnancy OP

I don’t think you’re under any obligation to treat his family like you treat your family. If that were the case you’d have to treat your family like an unexploded bomb and what have they done?

I think your DH is so used to being told what to do that, for the sake of your mental health, you’ll have to tell him in no uncertain terms that he is to say nothing until you start to show. It doesn’t matter that you’ve told your parents. You’d tell them if they were normal...

I would cut these people out of your life. Just don't see them anymore. If they complain to DH then that's his problem for not resolving the issues.