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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New to the village, who is BU? Me or Dh?

155 replies

Chardonnay73 · 15/02/2019 18:31

So, moved into very small village this week, ( think one main street and that’s it) we have about 4 immediate neighbours, behind, either side and opposite. No one has come over to introduce themselves in a week. Dh thinks it up to them to knock on our door and introduce themselves and welcome us to the village... I think the onus is on us to go to them and say hello.
What is the usual etiquette in this situation? We haven’t moved for decades and can’t honestly remember what happened in our last house!!

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 16/02/2019 18:08

I wouldn't go and knock on anyone's door. What on earth would you say?

If you want "popper inners" then you will have to get rid of the gates, assuming it's not a high crime area. You may still be left waiting though, especially if in the SE.

I just don't understand why you would expect people to come around. If someone did that to me I probably wouldn't even answer the door. Actually, someone knocked around 16.30 today and I didn't answer it. Maybe it was new neighbours Grin

HappyHippy45 · 16/02/2019 18:15

We live in a semi rural location with a few neighbours. We always try to time it so they're outside and don't look like they're in a rush and introduce ourselves to new neighbours.

sprot · 16/02/2019 18:23

We’ve lived in our village 17 years now,last year a man who lives round the corner was talking to my husband and he said “well you are new round here aren’t you” we’ve always spoken to him so he knows us,just shows how long it takes for you not to be the new people
We always let it happen ‘naturally but I also pop a new home card through introducing ourselves

Mosaic123 · 16/02/2019 18:42

We are moving to a block of 14 flats soon. Most of the residents are fairly elderly. We know one person that lives there plus the vendor of the flat we are buying is moving one floor up (to what was his mother's flat).

We thought we might put an invitation through everyone's doors asking them to pop in for a cup of tea between a two hour time slot on a Sunday afternoon after a couple of weeks. Maybe they will take parcels in for us if we are out....

WTFpeople · 16/02/2019 18:46

I had a long thread last year about the horrors I've experienced moving from London to a small village in the south. When I first moved, I tried to smile, wave, say 'Hello', be friendly to everyone I saw outside, but they would just blank stare at me and eventually walk away.

The whole experience living here has been a complete nightmare. It's quite sad really because I have wanted to move out to a village for most of my life. I hope it works out better for you OP. Good Luck!

CostanzaG · 16/02/2019 18:49

We moved to a village and DH insisted on going round and introducing ourselves to the neighbours. I wasn't sure but sooooo glad we did.

We're currently on a weekend break with some people from the village....we've made friends for life

CoraCoo · 16/02/2019 18:51

What's the deal with the gates? If you don't like them can't you leave them open?

dragoning · 16/02/2019 18:52

In a really small village, like you describe, I'd definitely knock and say a quick hello. Think of a silly question if it feels weird - bins, parking or whatever.

Or find out who the neighbourhood watch person is and introduce yourself to them first. Then you can casually mention that you were wondering whether to introduce yourself to everyone else too.

DoubleDeckerBusRideLover · 16/02/2019 18:54

When we moved into our house, it was nearly Christmas. So we put a little Christmas pot of chocolates on the nearby doorsteps with a note and our contact name and number. Some neighbours responded, some didn't, but at least we knew we'd tried.

dragonsfire · 16/02/2019 18:57

Nope not weird, I think it’s weird to randomly introduce or for neighbours to come and introduce themselves!

You will see them naturally and say hi as needed.

I know my neighbours enough to take parcels and say hi When see them, oh and our cat is best friends with the neighbours cat so sometimes we both go running out if hear fighting and that’s it.

I don’t actually know their names what relationship are you wanting to get from neighbours?

I am very much my friends are my friends, I don’t need to talk to random strangers as I happen to live near them lol

EeeSheWasThin · 16/02/2019 19:05

I think you may have a slightly over-romantic view of village life!

We moved to a village a couple of years ago. It’s exactly as I hoped it would be. Everyone knows each other, everyone’s friendly, we’ve made good friends and been invited to lots of things.

We had people knock with card/flowers/helpful tradesmen lists. Everyone who passed by when we were gardening stopped to say hello and chat. When people have moved in since I’ve put cards through to say welcome to your new home as I liked that when we moved in .

Personally I’d say go and say hello 😀 though I think some of you would not like our village.

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 16/02/2019 19:10

Wait for people to talk to you. Don't go knocking on the neighbours door on the first night. We made that mistake where we lived before and what a mistake that was! They turned out to be right moaning sods who'd knock on our door to complain about the petttiest things, well it was the wife who was the organ grinder and she'd send the monkey (her husband) over. Had we never opened lines of communication in the first place they probably never would have dared to moan in the first place.
Let people talk to you first I'd say.
It's not being unfriendly to wait, it's exercising caution.
I would hate to live in one of those places where you all know each other business though! Hmm

Babysharkdoodoodoodo · 16/02/2019 19:11

God, the village/hamlet my parents moved us too in 1970 was full on Wicker Man territory. (Welsh borders/ Merrily Watkins territory). They're still regarded as incomers now! However dad is church so in between playing the organ and becoming a deacon, ferrying the oldies to and from (he's in his 70's now), and mum being the local district nurse for 30 years, they're just about accepted Hmm

I left as soon as I was old enough and pop back about once a year.

Everyone has gates and no-one just pops round. Weird.

I live in West Midlands suburbia and we all pop in and out. Mind you, I think ours is a street where they come to die. We're the youngest in mid 50's.

StarsStripes2016 · 16/02/2019 19:14

We live in a village. We introduced ourselves to immediate neighbours before we bought the house as planned to demolish it and wanted to know if there would be objections before we purchased. Everyone was welcoming. Other neighbours from the lane came and introduced themselves over first few weeks. Go and say hello to your neighbours. What’s the worst that can happen? We are not friends with our neighbours just say hello and drop in Christmas cards, but in emergencies (Fire at one house, burglary at another, our sick baby) the lane pulls together and the neighbours have been wonderful.

StarsStripes2016 · 16/02/2019 19:15

If it’s relevant we are South East/East England.

Original poster
Chardonnay73 · 16/02/2019 19:16

Re the gates, we’ve tried to override them and leave them open by propping something against them but they don’t like it and the motor is constantly trying to make them shut!
The previous owners have been a nightmare and refused to give us any details regarding the house 😒 None of the 3 showers are working so we have no hot water! We have contacted the estate agents to ask them to ask the owners about it but the previous owners seem to be ignoring us 😒 Work that was promised to be done before completion hasn’t been... the list goes on...
oh and it’s filthy, I mean utterly filthy, I have had to clean just to be able to unpack and put things in drawers.
But... it’s a beautiful house and our forever home... just needs a lot of TLC!

OP posts:
SingingTunelessly · 16/02/2019 20:38

You need to put something against the sensor not the actual gates. Sensor will be on the wall/pillar the gates are attached to. Anyway, I’d just take it slow and let the relationship with neighbours happen when it does. Spring is on its way and people tend to be outside more giving the opportunity to start chatting. After you’ve got to know them you’ll probably be glad of the privacy the gates give you when they’re shut 😂

vintanner · 16/02/2019 21:03

We moved onto our street just before Christmas so it was easy, wrote a few cards saying 'Merry Christmas from No... ' and our names and left it at that.

We got a few cards back with their names and house no. which was nice and those are the ones who will speak now, but those who didn't reply don't really speak now.

So if you want to introduce yourselves I would pop a note through and see if you get any response.

FredMerc · 16/02/2019 21:30

@UnicornRainbowsRain

Haha, I'm not sad I'm enjoying the peace and quiet that I moved here for. I'm neighbourly and take in parcels etc. and chat to anyone I meet in the village, I hosted a birthday party in my home for all the children in my DS class, I've even had a few play dates for him, but I don't want to join the gang.

I accept my home is a sanctuary and that makes me appear anti-social Grin

PenguinPandas · 16/02/2019 22:15

Fred Our village is similar, its friendly but its like you are being stalked at times. People "window clean" and cut hedges about 3 times per day just have an excuse to nose / chat. If this method fails it progresses to weekly knocks on the door offering random fruit and vegetables. Husband answers and I appear to be the target (no idea why) so then they questioned DH on whether he really had a wife as they had been watching our cottage and not seen one.😂 I work from home and prefer my privacy and have an ASD son who wants to be with me and he is not keen on people over especially the one he's named "tomato man" who he is very suspicious of as he comes with a basket of tomatoes each time. Then three party invites for same day arrived, unfortunately all on my son's birthday so had to decline though husband popped over. Then they moved to stage 4 of nearly banging the door down then putting their phone number through the door. I am very shy but happy here and just made me cry but think they are just bored and mean well.

It's nice that people are friendly though do wonder if they just want someone to gossip about. I am quite an anxious person who likes to hide so hate all this attention but mostly its lovely in the village and in time I am sure I will get to meet them but just want it less full on.

TriciaH87 · 16/02/2019 23:40

We bought our house a year ago. On the first evening or possibly 2nd. I knocked next door(house is a semi) to meet neighbours. I just knocked and introduced myself and asked when bin day was. Figured it was a valid reason to knock and ask. Said neighbour has moved out recently and we will probably let them knock when ready as moving is stressful enough without nosy neighbours knocking when your trying to unpack.

TrixieFranklin · 16/02/2019 23:46

You're wasting your time going through the estate agents after completion OP, it's solicitors or nothing I'm afraid!

amilosingitor · 17/02/2019 00:10

I wouldn't do either. I've just moved too and have bumped into most of my immediate neighbours and got chatting and made introductions and I will probably take something round when we're more settled to say thanks for putting up with the racket etc but what you're discussing is odd to me

Yogafanatic · 17/02/2019 06:26

@felicia 3 hour exam and an obstacle course hilarious 😂 but so true. We have been in our 8 house cul de sac for six years now and this is exactly how we felt and still do tbh!!

DuggeesWoggle · 17/02/2019 07:39

Only on Mumsnet would it be considered odd or pushy to go and introduce yourselves to your new neighbours! Or to open the door when people come to see you. We've done it in all the places we've lived if the neighbours haven't been to see us first, nobody looked at us like we were mad, I have always seen it as common courtesy.

We just moved in to a small village and we popped next door on the 3rd evening just to show our faces. She was very nice, invited us in for a chat and then dropped a card and some flowers round a day or two later. Tbh I think she was just relieved we weren't the previous owners. Other neighbours we have seen in passing/at the bus stop and had a chat to. We even had a lady from the village 'pastoral care' group drop round some biscuits and a voucher for the village shop. No doubt that would have got some of you battening down the hatches and refusing to leave the house ever again but I was really touched that they had gone out of their way to make us feel welcome.

We're in Yorkshire so not an area known for public displays of affection or neighbourliness and no doubt we will be considered 'incomers' for many years to come but I feel like we have made a good start.