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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New to the village, who is BU? Me or Dh?

155 replies

Chardonnay73 · 15/02/2019 18:31

So, moved into very small village this week, ( think one main street and that’s it) we have about 4 immediate neighbours, behind, either side and opposite. No one has come over to introduce themselves in a week. Dh thinks it up to them to knock on our door and introduce themselves and welcome us to the village... I think the onus is on us to go to them and say hello.
What is the usual etiquette in this situation? We haven’t moved for decades and can’t honestly remember what happened in our last house!!

OP posts:
mama1980 · 15/02/2019 22:05

Haha I live in a tiny village in southern England, there are about 10 houses in the 'main' road. When I moved in literally half my neighbours were round within minutes of the delivery van pulling up.... and thank goodness they were a godsend helping out and making tea etc.

Snowflakes1122 · 15/02/2019 22:08

Well clearly I’m in the monitory here. We didn’t go and introduce ourselves and we didn’t get a welcome card.

No Christmas cards either, and it’s a small rural cup de sac Sad

I feel very unpopular Grin

NunoGoncalves · 15/02/2019 22:08

If a new neighbour came to my door just to say hi, I'd think it a little odd. I'm pretty laid back so I wouldn't be like "omg our new neighbours are nutjobs!" but I would find it unusual. And I'm quite chatty with neighbours. I just let it happen organically when outside the house or whatever.

Snowflakes1122 · 15/02/2019 22:08

Minoritystupid phone

BadLad · 15/02/2019 22:09

Perhaps they've found out that you're a mumsnetter. So they assume you never answer the door.

Justaboy · 15/02/2019 22:35

Come on!, be reasonable there are villages out in rural suffolke where you need around 3 generations in the churchyard before you speak to your neighbours;!

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/02/2019 22:42

Come back when they havent spoken to you in 30 years, then you may have an issue!

I agree with PP that it should be a natural thing where you chat over the bins on bin day rather than a forced "Welcome Wagon" thing.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 15/02/2019 23:29

I would hate somebody bothering me when I had moved in somewhere new

I admit I am pretty much anti social though (in a loner type way, not ASBO type)

YoThePussy · 15/02/2019 23:53

When I moved 18 months ago. Within 24 hours my NDN one side had knocked and asked me round for coffee the following weekend. I was delighted having come from a very friendly road where a leaving party was thrown for me when I left. They are great, take in parcels and are generally there and friendly when needed. Other side were awful, very miserable and was glad when they moved.

What cracked it for me was looking after my friend’s dog and taking her for walks. Everyone stopped to admire her and chat to me and I admired their dogs too.

Best way to get to know people with gardens is knock and offer them plants. My DM used to do this and had regulars who sulked if they didn’t get their annual pot of Morning Glories. I have continued the tradition where I am, seems to be going down well as have been offered Sweet Peas this year in return.

donquixotedelamancha · 16/02/2019 00:31

The two times we’ve had new neighbours on our street we went over to introduce ourselves and took homemade cookies

We did that. Next door brought wine when we first arrived. Those who've expressed distaste for friendly gestures would be the weird exception where I am. Our lives are much easier because neighbours will take in parcels, take out bins and feed our dog (when the occasional need arises) and much cheerier because we can return the favour.

There is certainly a geographic and a class component to this, but all of us UKers look miserable compared to the rest of the world. You would never get a thread like this in the vast majority of countries- it would just be alien.

This is our forever home and I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot!

Then take a pressie and go say hello to next door. Worst case scenario; you'll get someone who won't reciprocate. Most people like to be friendly, it's just British reserve that holds us back.

wildbhoysmama · 16/02/2019 00:36

Is it a class thing? Never been aware of that.

Reallyevilmuffin · 16/02/2019 01:07

I'm a grumpy git and to be honest would not think to introduce myself to neighbours either way.

RumbleMum · 16/02/2019 01:19

OP you're not in a small village in Hertfordshire are you? If so then I have a pot plant to welcome you with but didn't want to disturb you for the first few days Grin

Original poster
Chardonnay73 · 16/02/2019 11:40

No, that’s not me! But I hope your new neighbour is grateful 😊 Still undecided about what to do...

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 16/02/2019 13:13

Irrespective of anything else, if you have gates, the onus is on you to go to say hello, if you want to. Gates ‘say’ ‘You’re not welcome without prior arrangements’. Point this out to your DH.

Gates aren’t ‘Wanky’, however, you can always set them at open if you don’t like them.

BackforGood · 16/02/2019 14:11

There is certainly a geographic and a class component to this, but all of us UKers look miserable compared to the rest of the world. You would never get a thread like this in the vast majority of countries- it would just be alien

tbh, I'm British, and I find this attitude mentioned often on MN completely alien too. Not sure it is geographic, my parents having come from 2 different parts of the UK to where they met and we were born / grew up, and my siblings and dc have lived in several different parts of the country too. Everyone I've ever had any conversations that refer to this sort of normal neighbourliness have the same experience wherever they live.

FredMerc · 16/02/2019 15:17

We moved house and I met one side NDN as we were both on our drives on first day, invitation for a glass if wine at some point (We were still unloading our van) which I said yes. Then every time I met her after that (even in the village shop) I'd get harassed to set a date. On several occasions over the first year she knocked our door with house party/BBQ invites including 2 years running for NYs as all the neighbours go to hers! I have never been in her house yet but will say hello or chat over the (thankfully high unless I'm.on my deck) back fence. A chat is fine but I've found the continual pushing in every conversation very off putting and I'll not do it now.

UnicornRainbowsRain · 16/02/2019 15:48

FredMerc that sounds really sad. The neighbours all sound friendly with each other other and probably think it a shame you are missing out. Confused

BrizzleMint · 16/02/2019 16:20

I wouldn’t say anybody lives in each other’s pockets but we all answer our doors and happy to lend a loo roll or post a letter, even give a lift to hospital etc

I'd hate that. The only time I've knocked on a 'neighbours' (they don't live close to us - we can't see their house from here) house was in heavy snow when I did their shopping for them.

Iseesheep · 16/02/2019 16:35

I pop my head in whilst the removals are there to say hi and see if they want tea, coffee, milk, the dog taking care of or, if they've got kids, if they want to bung them over to mine for an hour or so. But that's completely normal in Forces life!

CSIblonde · 16/02/2019 16:57

Having grown up in those sort of villages, I'd go with letting it happen naturally when you happen upon each. It's non threatening & more natural with people who've been there forever & might be worried new neighbours will change an existing, working dynamic. People can often not welcome /fear change, so softly, softly is never a bad idea.

Al2O3 · 16/02/2019 17:04

I think it depends on which part of the country you have moved to. If its Norfolk you should be swinging with your car keys thrown into the centre of the coffee table by now. If it is Dorset you might as well practice witchcraft and be done with it.

exaltedwombat · 16/02/2019 17:36

I've been living in the same place for over 30 years and have spoken to a few of my neighbours. There was certainly no formal 'welcome' initiative, from either direction.

I think you may have a slightly over-romantic view of village life!

Spanielmadness · 16/02/2019 17:48

I moved to a tiny hamlet. No one had any interest in getting to know us, despite me trying my best to get to know people. Was very lonely. Have moved now.

Springwalk · 16/02/2019 18:01

We live in a village and met our neighbours gradually and naturally. I also leave a pot plant and a welcome card when others move next door to us.
People are busy everywhere, I don’t believe it is bad manners.

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