FIL moving in

[Gault500]

MIL has a terminal illness and will be coming to the end of her life in the next 3-4 weeks. DH has just dropped the bombshell that when she dies FIL wants to move in with us. This is a horrible time for them all and I know I should be supportive, but I'm absolutely horrified! We have 2 young kids, DH works abroad 3 weeks in every 4 and I work full time. I am exhausted and the thought of having another person to look after feels completely overwhelming. DH says it won't be like that and I won't have to do anything for him, but realistically he is a very "traditional" man who doesn't know how to cook or clean and as far as I can tell has no inclination to learn (despite his wife being seriously ill she still did everything for him for as long as she could, and now they have a housekeeper who comes in sorts him out). PIL are also notoriously anti-social - I've never known them to go out, have friends, or even contact other family members - so I can't imagine he's after the company! Aside from the extra work, I also can't imagine having him (or indeed any other person!) in my house every single day and having no time alone with the kids or DH. I didn't enjoy flat sharing when I was younger, even with some of my closest friends, as although I am quite sociable I do enjoy coming home and value my privacy. FIL is 68 and in good health so this could be my life for the next 25 years!!! PIL live in another part of the country so I totally expected him to move close to us and would be happy for him to come for dinner 3 or 4 nights a week, I just never in a million years expected him to want to live with us! On the flip side we do have the space for him (although we would no longer have a spare room for friends to stay) so I probably am being unreasonable for putting my own feelings before those of a grieving widower and my DH! Anyone got any lovely stories where living with a relative turned out to be a fabulous, life enhancing experience- I think I might need a dose of positivity!

I would be saying a very firm no to this, nip it in the bud now. I would start looking at getting the house on the market, and researching sheltered housing, where he can have his own apartment but with the safety net of a complex. My MIL moved into one after FIL died, and it was the best move she ever made.

It would be a hard no from me, OP.

We are in a very similar position currently, as MIL only has weeks left sadly - but the only difference is FIL wants to stay where he is. Like your FIL, he has no friends and does not speak to his family, but he knows his neighbours and he has lived in the area all his life. We live over an hour away and I can’t see that he’d ever want to live here.

But in the future, if he were to ask us to move in, it would be a firm no. I feel very sad for him and DH at the moment, but I would not entertain the idea for a second.

I think times of stress like this people can offer crazy, ill-conceived things because they want to support the grieving and offer solace, loyalty and healing; but I do think it's ill thought. My kids are teenagers now but they've dominated our lives running them around, helping them with exams, career choices ....all that stuff. Are you really going to be able to bring an elderly relative into the mix too?

Can he not purchase a flat nearby, within walking distance so he can come round when he's lonely but has his own space - you will be close enough to help him fill his fridge and sort out any care arrangements that may be needed as he aged

Alsohuman sheltered accommodation varies a great deal. The place my MIL moved into aged 69 is perfect for that age group. They are all privately owned apartments, but they have a communal lounge where they can get together if they wish. They have cheese and wine parties in there on a Saturday night! Anyone over 55 can live there and the majority of them are late 60's early 70's. They have a manager there 9-5 who deals with any maintenance issues and nobody has to worry about the gardening. It's really ideal for someone of that age!

I’m sure it’s perfect for some people, i’m just not one of them. Human beings aren’t really designed to be corralled according to age.

Ah @CantStopMeNow you're being a bit hard on my DH. His job is what it is, he works hard and makes good money to keep me in the style I am accustomed to! He misses out on a lot with the kids when he is away and does help out when he is back. I think he's just trying to keep everyone happy and hasn't fully considered the longer term implications of having his dad with us because his mind is on other things. We'll sort this out but it definitely makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one who couldn't bear this sort of set up, and clarified that I have to do the necessary and say no to save all of our sanity!

He is 68 so not a child and is really more than capable of filling in his own fridge. The man wants to be further enabled as his wife and now this housekeeper are doing. Why should also any care arrangements too be left to the OP as well?. This is not her own father.

He currently has a housekeeper who comes in to help because his wife is now too ill to do any chores, chores she was herself doing beforehand.

Your DH needs to rein in any people pleasing behaviours and advocate properly for his own family unit. He should know by now that he cannot keep everyone happy. This apparant decision was made arbitrarily without input from you.

"I wish I could, but I can't because I don't want to," said Phoebe from Friends, that time.

This is not going to work. He is looking for the same sort of set up, in terms of day to day support support he is got from your MIL. Your husband's work schedule means that he is not in the position to make such an offer.

The right thing to do is for him to do what a friend's dad did and rent or buy very locally to you as others have suggested. The dad does come round for meals but is very happy to go back to his place and chill.

He's 68 - not 88. Don't feel guilty.

Is it me or is it a bit weird to say it’s not her father? We’re a team and work together to support one another when our families need help, regardless of who the relative “belongs” to.

Years ago I had a patient who had lived with her sister briefly before going into nursing care.

When the capital from her house ran out the council took the sister to court for her house as they said it was her last known address.

The patient obligingly died at this point.

You need to say no, I would have no problems upsetting a dying woman if she's being manipulative like this.

This is a terrible idea and it will all fall on you OP.

Has your DH actually given any thought to the impact this would have on you and your marriage? It probably hasn't even occurred to him that you might hate the idea because he loves he father. But he isn't even there most of the time so the impact on him will be minimal, which is probably part of the reason he thinks it's a good idea.

You must put your foot down and stop this before it all gets going and you find yourself with you FIL ensconced in your home. Harsh as it sounds, you shouldn't even let him come and stay short term as that will stretch out and suddenly he's living with you.

Moving to live nearer to you sounds like an ideal compromise. Living with you sounds like a disaster.

I'm a couple of years older than your FIL and very close to both my DDs but I can think of nothing worse than living in the home of either one of them, both for their sake and my own. And the idea of a retirement village just fills me with dread, but maybe that's just me.

Looking after FIL does not have to include having him to live with you!

THIS ^

TBH - if you let him move in, you'll end up "taking care" of him in the same way The KrayTwins "took care" of people.

So he's healthy but possibly a bit lazy and stuck in his ways?

My dad was widowed at a similar age. He said healthy men his age with their own car and house and hopefully teeth were very much in demand - he got asked out by sooooo many widows He's learnt to do all sorts of new activities, he's got more of a social life than me. He's active and having a lovely retirement. As should your FIL... That's not going to happen from your spare room.

My Grandad wanted to move in with my parents after my Nan died, instead my mum visited every day on her way home from work & he came to visit on Saturday & Sunday. This nearly ended my parent's marriage, my dad began to feel like him home wasn't his any more. My Grandad would be picked up on a Saturday lunchtime, the moment he arrived everything revolved around him, he had to have what he wanted on television, we all got shushed when the news was on, the newspapers had to be read first by him & he took them home with him so there was no leisurely reading the supplements later in the day, this repeated on a Sunday, he even dictated the meals that were cooked over the weekend. I was still living at home during this time & I spent my weekends shut in my room or going out to get away from the situation at home. My dad felt like he hadn't any time for himself, he was at work all week & every minute of his weekend was taken up with my Grandad. This led to a massive row when my dad told my mum that he was going to move out if things continued the way they were, he felt like his home wasn't his any more. So in order to calm things down my mum reduced Grandad's visits to just a couple of hours on a Saturday, it was still a living hell when he was there, he suffered several strokes shortly after & had to move to a care home & died a few months later. I just know that if he had moved in full time it would have destroyed my parent's marriage.

Oh God OP no, a million times no.

It might be different if you had a great relationship and were very close and you husband wasn't away 75% of your life! As it is, you would be ferrying him round to appointments and doing his cooking and cleaning and bloody everything, by yourself. If he got his dying wife to look after him, no way he wouldn't expect you to

I'd say to your husband there is no rush. It's not a good idea to make any life decisions within a year of a major life event like a bereavement, people can make snap decisions. Also moving in with you may actually mean he gives up his last chance to build a life for himself, become independent, make new friends....as he won't have to. You will be there keeping him company and cooking etc and he won't change. I know people who have been bereaved and have learnt new skills made new friends got back in touch with family in various places and travelled. There is no reason why this couldn't be him, unless he moves in with you. Also a lot of older people unless they see grandkids regularly, forget how noisy and energetic they are and find it difficult to cope with the noise and how full on it is

Id say you are prepared to help in any other way you can. Getting him settled somewhere new if he decides he wants to move in a few moths. Having him visit much more frequently. Helping him develop skills he needs to live or hiring people to help. Helping him find classes or clubs to join. But having a demanding near stranger to live with your family for the forsee able future is too much to ask

You says he's never had to look after himself before and his wife still did it even when she was ill, not in a month of Sunday's would I allow him to move in with me.

You will literally be a replacement dogsbody looking after a grown man child.
It's absolutely awful what is happening to his wife but that does not give him the right to dictate to move in with you.

All you can do is say no thanks that will not work for us or our family but please do move nearer to us so you can be near family.

Don't let people guilt trip you into something you don't feel 100% comfortable with, it could ruin your relationship with your dp, not to mention your own mental well-being.

Why are so many posting as if a 68 year old man needs looking after? OP says he’s fit and able. He just doesn’t want to have to look after himself.

At 68, you don’t generally need someone to fill your fridge, do your shopping, washing or housework etc. My own dad was doing all this and more until he was 92.

68 is not old and decrepit ffs.

I consider myself a kind and caring person, and I feel sorry for your FIL losing his wife.

And yet my response to this would be ... No, No, No, No, No!!!!

Alexa not everyone is the same, you know...

No way would I say yes to this. Your DH isn’t the one who’ll be affected is he.

Don't do a trial run, because it'll become the defacto norm.

You work full time, 2 young kids, etc. Your FIL will arrive with expectations of being looked after, and I doubt you have any more capacity. And hell be at his fittest/healthiest now, so what will happen when he ages?

It's all well and good your DH saying it's fine, but he won't be there, so he's just dumping it on you.

And what about your own parents, OP? Will you be expected to look after them?

All this stuff needs a proper discussion now. Your DH can't just say it'll be fine.

My father’s mother lived with us my whole life (until I moved out) and whilst I loved her, from the child’s perspective don’t do this. It created a very strange dynamic.

Send DH to live with FIL in the intervening period until you all adjust to the loss of MIL, when it happens

This ^ - a month or two with hid dad may make him realise what is involve in caring for a deliberately helpless, totally selfish misanthrope!