FIL moving in

[Gault500]

MIL has a terminal illness and will be coming to the end of her life in the next 3-4 weeks. DH has just dropped the bombshell that when she dies FIL wants to move in with us. This is a horrible time for them all and I know I should be supportive, but I'm absolutely horrified! We have 2 young kids, DH works abroad 3 weeks in every 4 and I work full time. I am exhausted and the thought of having another person to look after feels completely overwhelming. DH says it won't be like that and I won't have to do anything for him, but realistically he is a very "traditional" man who doesn't know how to cook or clean and as far as I can tell has no inclination to learn (despite his wife being seriously ill she still did everything for him for as long as she could, and now they have a housekeeper who comes in sorts him out). PIL are also notoriously anti-social - I've never known them to go out, have friends, or even contact other family members - so I can't imagine he's after the company! Aside from the extra work, I also can't imagine having him (or indeed any other person!) in my house every single day and having no time alone with the kids or DH. I didn't enjoy flat sharing when I was younger, even with some of my closest friends, as although I am quite sociable I do enjoy coming home and value my privacy. FIL is 68 and in good health so this could be my life for the next 25 years!!! PIL live in another part of the country so I totally expected him to move close to us and would be happy for him to come for dinner 3 or 4 nights a week, I just never in a million years expected him to want to live with us! On the flip side we do have the space for him (although we would no longer have a spare room for friends to stay) so I probably am being unreasonable for putting my own feelings before those of a grieving widower and my DH! Anyone got any lovely stories where living with a relative turned out to be a fabulous, life enhancing experience- I think I might need a dose of positivity!

No way. I had my MIL for 9 weeks and it was a big struggle. It'll put a big strain on your marriage.

Definitely somewhere close by, so you, but not with you no. Stand up to the emotional blackmail.

"he's just gotten used to being a bit spoiled" and so your husband and your in-laws have decided between them that you are the chosen one who will continue to spoil him?! No way! Your husband isn't even around much so has no right at all to offer your services as a companion, cleaner, cook etc. I've always joked with my DH (also an only child) that when one of his parents passes away he is welcome to move in with the surviving one - they are not moving in here.

I think the time period immediately after a bereavement is a bad time to be making irreversible life change - and i would poin this out to your DH. Your FIL is naturally scared of the unknown, how he will cope on his own etc. But he may well manage very well - he may actually eventually enjoy being on his own. (My MIL was intitially obviously devastated when FIL died, but eventually started to have a much livelier social life than she;d had when he was alive, because he was the one who had never wanted to go out anywhere).

Offer your FIL emotional support to help him manage on his own, your Dh can offer to show him how to cook, clean etc, or he can keep his housekeeper. After a few months he might feel like taking up a new hobby. You can always have an regular arrangement that you all have Sunday lunch together, and he could be encouraged to come with you to activities with the children so he is actively involved in their lives, and might want to start doing an activity withe them on his own.
Other are right 68 is not old and incapable unless he has illness or disability. he doesn't need anyone to look after him, if he is intelligent an able he can learn these new skills, with support from his family. Your Dh has absolutely no right to decide that you will now become his father's carer. He doesn't need a carer. He does need love and support to help him through his bereavement, but moving him from one dependent situation to another is not necessarily the kindest thing to do in the long run.

@Tinkobell I know what you mean - I spent Christmas with PIL once and vowed I would never do it again as they are just so different to my family. The day revolves around carefully spaced out cups of tea and coffee and god forbid you deviate from that schedule. They almost passed out when I said I only tend to have one or two cups a day!

@MrsKoala I am sure that he would end up hating it at ours too. It has been 2 years since he saw DD1 and he hasn't met the firecracker that is DD2 yet (they haven't been able to travel due to MIL's illness and I haven't been to visit them due to work/pregnancy/baby). When we see them it tends to be for a nice afternoon and then we go our own way. Totally different to living with a noisy 5 year old with toys everywhere and play dates every weekend, and a 9 month old who never sleeps and is permanently grumpy and over tired. I feel like he may have a bit of a romanticised vision of how it would be and would get a rather abrupt wake up call!

There is a retirement complex in a large town near us, which is very fancy with fancy prices as well. It is more like a gated child free community for the over 55s. There are houses as well as flats. A club house with bars, restaurant, swimming pool, gym, large grounds.

It is certainly not like the retirement flats most people imagine when sheltered accommodation is mentioned

Your husband should be saying to his father that while he doesnt rule out the idea it is the wrong time. People should not make any major life changes or decisions within two years of a bereavement.

Talk your husband through how he sees this working in detail. Who is doing the washing, cooking, cleaning for FiL used to being taken care off. He is not around so cannot even offer to help.

I would talk about finding him a cleaner / meal service and let him grief without major upheaval first. Not just knee jerk make him your problem. No, no just no.

MIL tried this with BIL, whom she's enabled to be a lazy, entitled, rude, selfish manchild. Neither we or SIL are entertaining it for a second. The man's in his early 40s and not disabled. He can sort himself out when she dies.

I think the compromise option here is to allow him to move in temporarily and then if it's ok use the money from sale of FIL house to move somewhere with an annexe so he can be close but not on top of you. I can see both sides. My parents wouldn't want to move in with us, but I am expecting to put up one or other of in-laws. My husband grew up in a multi generational household though, and we have discussed it lots.

I wasn't allowed to watch Eastenders when MIL came to stay ☹️...."that dreadful depressing program" she said. I think the advice upthread about no major life changes within 24 months is excellent prudent advice....otherwise a knee jerk, emotionally based decision could easy go pear shaped.

What would he do with himself all day long while kids are at school and you're at work? Surely he's better pottering around his own place...?

However, the bit where he offers you both half the value of the sale proceeds- with house price inflation and them probably having lived there forever, that is not an insignificant amount of money.

Nooo! Do not be influenced by the money. No price can be put on your own family’s happiness. Besides which, there may be all sorts of legal, not to say emotional implications to taking money from your FIL.

Tell your DH he first has to get a different job - so that he is home every evening and weekend, to take care of his dad

Explain how HE will have to batch cook for his dad, clean his room, do his laundry etc - because that is not YOUR job

NO.
Send DH to live with FIL in the intervening period until you all adjust to the loss of MIL, when it happens (may she have a peaceful passing). The housekeeper can take up the slack. DH must learn to believe that he can't force his father onto you and the DC.
DH can use that time to get a job that has him at home every evening, with his father.
You can all think about how much you really want to live together.
Do not, at all, ever, accept FIL's money. He will think he has bought your obedience.

There'd be no hanky panky OP. It's very off putting trying to enjoy sex with elderlies coughing away in another room....sorry to be blunt, but that's how it is. Why don't you suggest instead a couple of nice gentle cottage getaways together each year - all together. Grieving grandparents do genuinely find grandkids a lovely tonic at a sad time.

Your husband should be saying to his father that while he doesnt rule out the idea it is the wrong time.

No, he should absolutely not say this. He should be making it clear that it will not happen - at any stage.

well, first up your DH would need to change job so that he is around on a daily basis.

What I would look at is pooling your capital and buying somewhere with a grandad annexe.

I understand completely that your DH is their only child and in theory I don't have an issue with this - I think it right that we look after our ageing parents as they looked after us. But your DH needs to actually be there - he cannot expect you do hold the fort 3 weeks out of 4.

Your husband wants to move in a relatively young man who is nevertheless totally unable to care for himself. I wonder who will be looking after his every need..?

That's a no from me.

No, it will end in disaster, I can promise you. A similar thing happened to my parents and it put a real strain on my mother in particular. My GD also held the fact he 'gifted' them money over their heads, don't accept a penny from him. I think if it's all discussed beforehand and there is an already mutually respectful relationship in place then it could work but that doesn't seem to be the case here. You will end up with a life of drudgery.

Gault

re your earlier comment:-
"DH is an only child and they are not in contact with any of their other family (but that's a whole other post!) so we do have to accept some responsibility for him and I'd hate to see him stuck where he is on his own and grieving"

Am not at all surprised to read the first part of this re your inlaws given how anti social they are.

You do not have to accept any, let alone, some responsibility for FIL here. Do not let your own niceness and any people pleasing tendencies cloud your own already sound judgement re a no to this whole idea here.

When I look back at what our family went through, it was a time of great stress and anguish. After each visit my DH was utterly drained emotionally witnessing his poor dad's deterioration. Truely awful.
I would strongly encourage your DH during these next few weeks to get sometime off work if needed and go and sit with his mum...even if it's just holding her hand. For us, the illness and the suffering dragged and yet once he died we look back and the time went in a flash....so he should spend time with his family right now and deal with the aftermath later on.

The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree where your husband is concerned.
He doesn't sound like much of a catch either to be honest.
He donates his sperm and wages but leaves the actual hard work of parenting, childcare and running a household (mental load/wife-work) to you whilst he prioritises his job.
Now he thinks he can do the same when it comes to his dad!

He isn't looking at how hard it is for you being effectively a single parent and with such little support from the father of your dc.
No amount of money in the world will make fil moving in with you a good idea.

It is more like a gated child free community for the over 55s. There are houses as well as flats. A club house with bars, restaurant, swimming pool, gym, large grounds.

Yes. If I was pushing 70 and on my own with plenty of money (which it sounds like fil has) I would love to live somewhere like this. Independent but with a layer of protection around me as I got older.

I can think of nothing worse than living in a geriatric ghetto but each to their own, I guess.

Wow you sound like a very reasonable lady. I'd have hit the roof at the mere mention of such idiocy. Say no, as you say this could be the next 25+ years of your life. No amount of money would buy my privacy with my little family
God bless you in whatever you decide

@TaimaandRanyasBestFriend

sorry, your MIL wants her adult son to be "taken in" by a relative when she's gone?