FIL moving in

[Gault500]

MIL has a terminal illness and will be coming to the end of her life in the next 3-4 weeks. DH has just dropped the bombshell that when she dies FIL wants to move in with us. This is a horrible time for them all and I know I should be supportive, but I'm absolutely horrified! We have 2 young kids, DH works abroad 3 weeks in every 4 and I work full time. I am exhausted and the thought of having another person to look after feels completely overwhelming. DH says it won't be like that and I won't have to do anything for him, but realistically he is a very "traditional" man who doesn't know how to cook or clean and as far as I can tell has no inclination to learn (despite his wife being seriously ill she still did everything for him for as long as she could, and now they have a housekeeper who comes in sorts him out). PIL are also notoriously anti-social - I've never known them to go out, have friends, or even contact other family members - so I can't imagine he's after the company! Aside from the extra work, I also can't imagine having him (or indeed any other person!) in my house every single day and having no time alone with the kids or DH. I didn't enjoy flat sharing when I was younger, even with some of my closest friends, as although I am quite sociable I do enjoy coming home and value my privacy. FIL is 68 and in good health so this could be my life for the next 25 years!!! PIL live in another part of the country so I totally expected him to move close to us and would be happy for him to come for dinner 3 or 4 nights a week, I just never in a million years expected him to want to live with us! On the flip side we do have the space for him (although we would no longer have a spare room for friends to stay) so I probably am being unreasonable for putting my own feelings before those of a grieving widower and my DH! Anyone got any lovely stories where living with a relative turned out to be a fabulous, life enhancing experience- I think I might need a dose of positivity!

so we do have to accept some responsibility for him and I'd hate to see him stuck where he is on his own and grieving.

No, you don't. He's only 68 and fit and in good health and he's intelligent. He's been spoilt and enabled his entire life. He allowed a seriously ill woman, whom he promised to cherish, to wait on him, FFS! Think about that. Just think about it.

Do not become the next enabler.

He needs to be left on his own for a wee while at least.

@MrsKoala yes we do sound like we're in the same boat. Yes MIL absolutely has a hand in this, she has had many a weepy conversation with DH asking him to make sure he looks after FIL when she is gone. As you say, how do you say no to a dying woman?! None of this is easy is it, but I do have to put my own family first. I'd hate for DCs (and me for that matter!) not to feel comfortable having friends around, etc as might disturb FIL, or feel like they were not getting quality time with their parents.

Wowzers. Even if your DH didn't work away for 3/4 weeks, I would still be questioning whether care of FIL would fall disproportionately on you (simply because you're a woman).

Your DH prob thinks it would be nice to spend time with FIL once every 4 weeks, and is glossing over the 3 weeks inbetween because they won't impact on him.

The ONLY way I would agree is if DH changes job to one close to home, and takes on ALL responsibility for FIL's entertainment, cooking and cleaning. That would be fair because you'll still be doing ALL the childcare even though your partner would be around all the time. But it forces FIL's circumstance to impact on DH as well as you...

Looking after FIL does not have to include having him to live with you!

If your FIL couldn't, or wouldn't, take on some of the domestic load from his terminally ill wife, he's not going to change his spots if he moves in with you. He could sign up to some basic cookery courses where he lives, and for the long be of God don't move him in on a trial basis.

I'm really sorry to say, I have experience of a grandparent living with us & it absolutely destroyed our relationship with him when we were kids and my mum ended up resenting having to look after him.
Like your FIL, my grandparent was very traditional and couldn't/wouldn't look after himself.
Unfortunately, now all we're left with is bad memories of that time

Oh my goodness, this is difficult!

I totally where you are coming from, not wanting to have another person living with you all, your DH sounds like he is away for most of the time and you are running the home/looking after the children while working FT.

You can bet it will be you cooking for him, cleaning up, doing extra laundry etc!

However, the bit where he offers you both half the value of the sale proceeds- with house price inflation and them probably having lived there forever, that is not an insignificant amount of money.

Whatever you decide, definitely discuss it fully with DH and try to weigh up and the pros & cons!
Sorry to hear about the impending death of your childrens' grandmother/your MIL

Good luck

Hi OP. I've not read al of the posts but have a point of view to add, from experience. In December my FIL died very suddenly over 8 weeks of a brain tumour; a dreadful traumatic experience for him, for us and for MIL. They had been married for 50 years.
After he died, there was a few weeks work organising the funeral which MIL did brilliantly and to her liking and FIL's wishes. It would have been easy for us to swoop in and take over organising the funeral, but I'm so glad we didn't as it enabled MIL to make contact with a lot of people locally and to deliver a very personal and fitting service....so I would encourage him to do that task. After the funeral MIL came to stay with us for a week. It was a nice change of scene for her, a different bed, I cooked for her and we had some chats. BUT I COULDNT LIVE WITH HER! My advice would be to book a week (or your DH) and spend some quality time with your FIL instead. A bit of caring goes a long way. We also used that week to get some paperwork sorted - transfer of billing, contacting banks with a death certificate - that kind of thing. There's a lot to sort out when a person dies I'm afraid.
It's the wrong time to suggest he comes and stays forever. Clearly it won't work and it presumably would put an axe through either your or your DH's career in time. I'd just say it's a non starter actually. He needs to make the adjustment to singledom which he will in time. He has his roof and contacts and eventually life settles and carries on.

That was your experience Witchend and am glad it worked out for you. But it really is not relevant to the OP here.

I was more meaning that when needs must often something that you don't think they'll be able to do suddenly becomes possible.
My granny had always done all the housework and my grandad did nothing towards it, he had absolutely no inclination to do it ever.
And the antisocial actually can work in the advantage there, because my grandad did not want an outsider coming in to sort it, which was why he found himself in the position of having to do it.

I thought it was relevant in that the family saying "he can't cook" may turn into when he finds he needs to, him not only managing, but enjoying it, hence he will be fine staying at his home, not moving in with the OP, which is a dreadful idea.

Oh god it's so awful isn't it. Watching your loved ones grieve and know that you could make it a little better but knowing it would be so detrimental to yourself and your children (and your marriage) so having to look like a bastard who wont 'Just' let fil move in.

Whenever mil asked me I would always answer honestly 'of course mil, we will always ensure fil is cared for and well looked after'. Which was all I could do really.

As it happens fil hated living with us so was desperate to move out. He was/is a solitary man who liked quiet so our house with loud small children didn't suit him at all.

Honestly OP don’t do it.

My family live with a close elderly relative. Our relationship is extremely close and we all get on amazingly, but I wouldn’t ever do it again.

We have no alone time as a family. We can’t even argue alone. DH and I can’t snuggle on the sofa when the kids are in bed in the evening as it’s just weird with a relative there. Every decision has to be made with our relative not just our family. We just never have any alone time at all. Imagine if you had anymore children would you feel comfortable breast feeding them infront of FIL? Because if not you’ll be going to your room to feed every time. We feel guilty if we go out and not take relative. We can’t discuss holidays without relative as it feels mean.

I love my life, my family and my elderly relative very much but honestly I wouldn’t do it again.

No no no!
DO NOT do a trial. It would be soooo difficult to get him to leave if it wasn't working out (which it won't).
Do not take his money, this then means he has a hold over you if it didn't work out (which it won't).

It's not just the cooking and cleaning (which you WILL be doing for him) it's him taking over the house. He will be in your lounge watching what he wants to watch, you and your DC's won't ever have space or time on your own, and if you have friends round he may start complaining you're too loud or noisy if he wants to sleep. It will be like having another child, but one who refuses to do anything for themselves even though capable, which means you will get very frustrated.

Of course your DH thinks this is a great idea, he'll only be there for 25% of the time!

Get FiL to sell his house and buy something closer. You can then support and help him without him being in your home. He can come round for dinner....and then go home. You can help him find local groups to make new friends.
If he moves in you will end up divorcing your OH.

My parents lived with me for a while and whilst I love them dearly they drove me up the wall and I think we did the same. It was only a temporary situation for me though. I would suggest that you say no to him moving in unless there is the potential for a granny flat to be built in the garden? If not then he will need to purchase a house or flat close to you guys. At 68 he will, be able to purchase a flat in a complex for older people. Then set about arranging a cleaner/housekeeper for him if that is what he requires. I know that should anything happen to one of my parents then the other will be moving to live with me or nearby and the same would happen in the case of illness but it’s different because they are my parents and I would take on the carer role my self. I wouldn’t do it for an otherwise healthy man who has been pandered to his whole life though.

Sorry but I would hit the roof if my DH announced this 😬 haven't read the whole thread but shudder! Can't he get somewhere sort of close by?

A lot can be done remotely to help an elderly relative coupled with frequent visits. We do Cook! frozen meals, if he can afford it someone to clean and iron. If he's in good health surely he can do any garden work and wash his laundry.
If your kids are young THEY need you! I know in other countries like Austria you get this multi-generational living under one roof; but my impression is that the woman and DH are not trying to hold down full time jobs at the same time!

Absolutely not.
And especially not as your dh is almost never at home.
The impact on you and dc would be life changing, enormous.
I don’t know why anyone would ever think this is a good idea...

Your dh is crazy to even suggest this to you, given he is never at home! What a cheek is all I can say

Present a clear plan or two to your DH and frame it as the only realistic options without him changing jobs so he is home full time. Grief and panic seem to be the overriding emotions and it’s natural for your DH to want his father close by ...... just not living on top of you would be preferable.

When MIL came and stayed for a week post-FILS death, we were sitting on the sofa and she said "shouldn't you be off to bed now?"......it was 9:30pm and I am 48 years old, my jaw dropped! 😁 Lovely lovely lady....but couldn't conceive living with her!

Lol @CalmdownJanet 😂

Has anyone got any lovely stories where living with an in law turned out fabulous?

Nope because it's never happened

So why does Fil feel the need to move in with you?

I would think its more your Dh wants him to move in, I would make it loud and clear that if he moves in you move out end of discussion, and the cheek of it he’s noteven at home to cater to his dad needs.

Put your foot down this is YOUR decision as well.

I have only ever seen this go wrong.

Even if it involves a very independent older relative who cooks and cares for their own affairs well - which isn't the case here.

In one family I know it pretty much destroyed the grandkids relationship, as the elderly male relative grew older his needs took over their childhood - household adaptations, not travelling anywhere because of distance/having to get back for nurse visits/having no real family time so my friend is almost strangers with her own parents - and yes it fell to her part time working mum to do all the caring, even willingly it was a silly idea and towards the end the council investigated assets because they'd used assets of relative to build an extension... Total nightmare ten years later when it was clear he needed full time professional care with dignity, not a well meaning but swamped daughter in law.

Can you tell I've heard the resentment from this friend and the fractures it caused in the family a lot?! And she admits she still loves relative, but he should have lived independently THEN care home, without the impact on her childhood.

.....I suppose one tack might be to say to your DH "I assume that you've already offered your resignation to work, so you can be home for FIL".....I do think the assumption or naivety or fanciful thinking of your other half is breathe taking. But then I suppose he's probably very distressed right now ....all the more reason NOT to make any major decisions I'd say.

My dad, was a similar age and relatively traditional. When he was terminally ill himself his wife had a sudden nasty illness. He was determined to take care of her and any time he could get out of bed he was trying to cook and clean. If you love someone, you want to help them.

Your father in law could watch his wife struggling, knowing she was terminally ill, and continue expecting his needs to come first.

You can't have someone like that living in your home. There is not a chance he will take care of himself.

He is used to having the use of an accommodating woman.

He does not want to lose that usage.

He wants a replacement accommodating woman.

He doesn't want to look for his own so using his sons nicer woman will do nicely.

*nice