Boarding school for 7yr olds.

[Patchworkpatty]

This is not a TAAT but follows on from one earlier today where I appear out of step with the majority posting there. So want to ask the AIBU vipers opinions.

While discussing the other thread it lead me to do some internet investigation about the age of children in boarding schools in this country - and was horrified that there are many prep schools that offer 'full boarding' (not weekly and home weekends) from the age of 7 ! I am genuinely shocked and sad that such young children are sent away from home. These places appear really desirable to those parents desperate to ensure entry into 'the better public schools' .

How is this different from putting your 7 yr old in care ? IMHOthe only difference is that you pay for it and there are more activities. Surely it's not right to do this to such young children . I really thought that had stopped in the 1960s .!

A relative boarded from 11. Her mum died suddenly and her father wasn’t British and worked in an African county which was unsafe for westerners (he lived in an armed compound) and no suitable schools. Until her mum died she had lived in England and had an English education so staying in England albeit at a boarding school seemed best outcome.
A girl at dds school left to flex board at a local private school age 10. Her single mum often worked abroad and she was left with elderly non English speaking grandparents who couldn’t take her to activities, didn’t treat her nits and couldn’t supervise homework. Girl is happy at the new school.

I went to a boarding school where there were a handful of young boarders like that. Frequently their parents worked somewhere unsafe for them to be.

Changing you sound like Mary Poppins!
None of my Matrons were like that, unless you were the favourites. We had about 15 boarders in Juniors and 2 were favourites (matron would brush their hair and cuddle them, they'd get small gifts left for them if she had been in town or were allowed the nice medicine for a cough rather than gargling with TCP). The rest of us had to make our own beds and get house points deducted if it wasn't up to standards, polish our shoes using 3 different brushes to perfection, wash our own hair, fold our own clothes, etc. It certainly wasn't loving. Again though I am sure much has changed. I don't know how they picked these teachers in the 80's but most of them seemed to have anger issues and largely resent the kids in the school.

I boarded from age 11 in the 1980s. Although I repressed all the bad bits and actually enjoyed it at times there has been a long term impact on my emotional wellbeing and I am only just beginning to really understand what it did to me. I don't blame my parents. They went to boarding school too so they just thought it was best.
There was no emotional support, no cuddles and you just had to get on with it. It was brutal. I feel damaged and I don't know if I can be repaired.

Lonely it makes me sad to think people could be matrons like that. Why even do the job - it must be miserable if you don't even like the kids!

Hmm like Mary Poppins but my bags were made through lack of sleep rather than from capacious carpet....

I could never do all that now, which is why I left the job. I was young and had the time, freedom and energy back then. I don't think that having a family of your own is hugely compatible with house parenting. Someone is going to lose out somewhere.

Forgive me as I’ve only skimmed the thread but I’m sure there was something in the news recently which insinuated boarding increased when children reached 13? Mainly boys? Maybe I’m wrong but I’m sure it mentioned that it was because they became ‘difficult’ ( or just hormonal teenagers).

It’s not something I would consider personally but I’m saying that as a parent of a 12 year old.

At 7 I would say too young; I would want to cherish the time I had with them.

Horses for courses though

I could

YY zzzzz if my Matron had attempted a hug I think both of us would have been needing compensation! I still remember her looking at my hair in disgust and calling it a birds nest and laughing at me trying to get a big knot out whilst brushing favourites silky locks. She had a real cats bum mouth and whenever I smell similar perfume I feel physically sick.

To be fair Changing she liked the easier kids. I'm sure I was a little interesting as a child (backstory and all) but I was only 6. The ones who had loving families were no doubt easier to bond with.

Apart from the horror (which I share), it makes no logical sense to me to raise kids this way. Cookie cutter education/home rules may have had a place once, when professions (and life) was very linear.

Nowadays young adults need to be well-rounded, have strong emotion skills (which is not the same as being ‘tough’), have creative minds and value diversity (in themselves and others). And that counts for all workplaces into the future.

Universities are already changing to suit workplace cultures, and market demand. What’s the point of sending little kids to schools that (necessarily) produce homogenised young adults? How can that be a successful strategy? Even the military doesn’t want them like that anymore!

Success will go to kids that are emotionally stable, malleable to circumstance, confident, creative and hardworking. Not kids who have dropped off an emotionally-stunted conveyor belt. The only people motivated enough to spend the time developing the kids are parents (or guardians). Ergo, keep the kids where parents can properly know them and guide them and support them.

I can't imagine doing it. We live near a cathedral city and they take choristers at age 7 and they have to board. And they sing at the weekends so only get to go home at teatime on Sundays. They even sing all day Christmas day. A friend of mine's son was a chorister. I said I couldn't imagine not having him home for Xmas. She admitted she was looking forward to having him home for Xmas again. I didn't say so but I thought 'but by then you' ll have missed all the magical years, when they leave the choir you get a stroppy 13 year old back not the cute 7 year old you started with. '

My boy is 8 and a total baby still, I can't imagine him boarding away from me. It must screw up your relationship with them. In my friend' s case the older brother wasn't boarding so that must make the family dynamic really weird.

I boarded for secondary school. I was lucky it was my choice. Most at my school we’re forces (stationed overseas and regularly moving) or farmers (rural locations made for very long commutes). I LOVED boarding, one long play date. But I knew I had a loving family (no siblings). Others didn’t enjoy it.
I knew some who had boarded since age 7 and believe it had negative impact. But TBH I don’t think the person I’m thinking of had a great family life either. While in a good school boarding can be great and nurturing it’s no replacement for a devoted aren’t when you are very young and need to know you are loved.

I would like to keep my kids at home, BUT I don’t think it is necessarily a bad place for kids (depends on the child/school). I Boarded at 11 and had a fun time.

How many board from this age though?
i'm sure there were some stats on here last year where there weren't so many under 11.
I think it depends on the situation, I wouldn't have liked mine boarding so young, but I know 8 year olds who board who are fine.

@boonickle I wonder if we were at the same one? Has it gone Spock-Ed and lost a boarding house?

*Co-Ed 🤣

I agree OP. It’s just very expensive neglect.

I’m a girl and went to boarding school in the late 70s from the age of 7 - it was a very traditional boys school with only a few girls and punishments were harsh - physical as well as emotional. We alll avoided matron and you had to be feeling seriously unwell to go anywhere near the san!

Boarding school taught us to be a expert liars.

Anyone remember a documentary, over 10 years ago that followed 7 year olds during their first year. The school offered amazing opportunities and a lovely environment but I remember them sobbing

I'm married to a very early start boarder - aged seven poor lamb. The damage it did has taken most of our life as a couple to fix, and the story isn't over yet. Even though our children are now young adults off at university all by themselves. The very first decision we made when our own chidren came along was NOT to send them to boarding school btw. His idea not mine.

I went to boarding school for a while, after a year my parents moved to be close to the school and i shifted to being a day girl. That single year however, aged 11/12, had a long term impact on me and on my relationship with my parents . There were girls in my school who had boarded since six or seven. One girl in my dorm who had been boarding since six would cry herself to sleep and definitely felt unloved and rejected by her family.

There is no way that a school, however well run or kind, can replace what parents do. I learned to live without my parents at an age when we would otherwise have been very close, I learned to live without physical affection or tenderness, and it changed my relationship with my Mum in particular, it was hard to connect again in the same way when I stopped boarding, something had been broken.

I said for years that I had enjoyed boarding, it really took me until probably my forties to see the damage. My parents were very loving and did it for good reasons, but living for that time without anyone who loved me changed me as a person.

I know of several families whose children board a few miles from their home, for part or all of the week, for convenience to both parents and child. They started around 10-11 years old.
Also I think military families get discounted boarding whether single parents or not.
I wouldn't like my DC to board (esp if they were only a few miles away) , but I guess it works for others.

Both my DC started at boarding school at 7. Their DF was in the forces and we moved house often, DC1 had been to 3 schools before starting at boarding school and needed stability in education and in friends.
They both loved it, they came home every holiday, half term and had an exeat every third weekend.

We made sure we picked a loving caring school, if they were upset they did get cuddles and a story was read to the (small, 6 bed) dorms every night.
I once heard a forces kid interviewed on the radio, presenter asked "what is it like not having a home?" he replied (sounding astounded at the question) "We have a home, we just don't have a house to put it in"
That is what it was like in my family, home was the 4 of us no matter where we were.
They also received a far better education than if they had been in a state school, more diverse subjects, much better facilities, and not moving schools every year.
So don't be so judgemental, we all do what is best for our children in different circumstances.

My DC flexi board and have done since age 7. I'm a single parent who works full time and it's been amazing for us.

As previous posters have said, people have different lives and only by being immersed in it have I been able to really see what it's like. The kids mostly have a brilliant time, but personally I would not want my two there more than the 2 nights a week that they do. I've been incredibly lucky to find this option that allows me to work the hours I need to work, and frankly in my case consider it the best form of childcare I could get for them. It certainly beats them sitting in after school club and every time I've asked them if they'd rather an au pair or child minder, they've emphatically said definitely not (and we've tried that before).

I don't judge the parents whose kids are there for more than the nights mine do, even though I wouldn't want to do it for my own. After two nights away, they are ready to come home. I can see that two days and nights of having even the best fun full of activities and 'jolly japes' is still two days of having to be on your best behaviour, which is kind of how it feels for them I think. On occasion one of them has got emotional on the phone, and even though I know they would be given lots of cuddles by the staff, it's not rocket science to know that it's not the same, and I know they hold back from letting others see if they are upset.

Mine started at 11 and absolutely loves it and is thriving.
Our relationship has to be better than any other 15 year old girl and mum, I know . It can work well for some people and be full of positives, She says it's not very often that a child gets homesick, apart from their first week.