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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel that his suicide is inevitable and I can’t prevent it.

130 replies

fearfullotsofthetime · 13/02/2019 22:00

I love someone who struggles with his mental health, he’s honest about experiencing suicidal ideation periodically. He’s fully prepared to take his own life previously, bought the relevant items etc. When he’s well, he’s magnificent but he can deteriorate quickly and I feel like, should he decide to take his own life, I wouldn’t be able to prevent this.

How do I live with this? If he doesn’t answer my call or my text isn’t read for a while, I worry that he might have taken his life.

It’s destroying me. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Howdyhihi · 14/02/2019 16:30

My dad has struggled with his mental but didn't want any of his friends to know.

When mum feels like she needs to vent she books an appointment for herself with a GP. The Gp has always been happy to listen to her concerns and talk them through with her.

Speaking to someone who knows what to say/how to help has benefited her tremendously. I would really reccomend it Flowers

Meretricious · 14/02/2019 16:40

I went through this with my partner of 10 years. I nearly walked many times. What stopped me was the support of relatives and friends and looking after myself. My partners issues were triggered by a particular event rather than long term mental health.

I insisted he got help. I also had help from here, the most useful of which was that you can’t control his actions. You really have to be able to have your own life. What he’s doing in ignoring your texts isn’t great behaviour...he’s ill but he doesn’t have to behave like an idiot.

In your case, I’d honestly walk away.

DameIfYouDo · 14/02/2019 16:54

I'm sorry that he is apportioning blame to you for his suicidal thoughts. That is not right.
On the other hand, when you're suicidal (which I have been), you literally are in a bubble. Not a cushioning bubble, but a bubble that renders you incapable of thought outside of your own pain. You feel your own pain, but really everyone ceases to exist outside of you (that's my experience of it).
I have a diagnosis of BPD/EUPD (Borderline personality disorder or now known as Emotionally Unstable Personality disorder).
I have attempted suicide about 100 times by various means. Never once did I attempt suicide as a way to get at someone, or control them. I'm quite well aware of what my diagnosis suggests (suicide attempts being one of the diagnostic criteria), but I genuinely would not write him off as manipulating you.

Suicide attempts means trying to kill yourself. So to manipulate someone by 'threatening' it would be utterly pointless as you wouldn't be alive to see the results if you get me.
I think there is a lot to be learned in society of mental illness. And MN is probably the last place I would turn to in a time of crisis. There are vicious people on here and there are dumb people on here. There are utter bastards and there are the well-meaning but misplaced.
As far as I can recall, he his your DP rather than your dh. If he's your DH, then perhaps you made a vow 'in sickness and in health'. If he's your DP, then no such vow.
It really is up to you. Can you stick with him during this time of sickness? Is it going to make you yourself sick? What do you think you need to do for both of you, for him, for you?

DameIfYouDo · 14/02/2019 17:07

And I had a partner for 7 years. He visited me every single day when I was in hospital. When I was on a trolley in A&E for 16 hours, he stood in the corridor with me for 16 hours.

He was a c u next tuesday in other ways, but I will forever be grateful to him for that, as when you're ill, you're completely vulnerable, however that manifests.

A lot of posters on this thread are saying he's a controlling manipulative cunt who has no intention of killing himself - he's just doing this to control you.

I would take those posts with a pinch of salt. You know whether he's controlling. You know whether him asking you not to do such and such is because he can't cope, or because he's trying to control you.

And you, only you, can decide what is best for you. And that may mean leaving him. And he may die. He may not. But it won't be your fault. Like cancer, it's a thing that hits a person that nobody caused.

speakout · 14/02/2019 17:39

DameIfYouDo

, as when you're ill, you're completely vulnerable, however that manifests.

Yes but that does not give you a free pass to hurt and abuse others.

speakout · 14/02/2019 17:46

I would take those posts with a pinch of salt. You know whether he's controlling. You know whether him asking you not to do such and such is because he can't cope, or because he's trying to control you.

But does it really matter?

THe end result is abuse and coercive control.

Someone may abuse because they are afraid, mentally or physically ill, because they were abused as a child themselves- any number of reasons.

I don't allow anyone to abuse me- I don;t care what the reason is.
If I care for them I will alter those around who can help and offer practical help - from a safe distance, but not put myself in the firing line.

Original poster
fearfullotsofthetime · 14/02/2019 17:48

Thanks everyone for your replies, this relationship makes me cry a lot. I really am very affected by his emotions and as I would categorise myself as an empath, I internalise his anger, sadness and frustration. I’ve really used these replies to reflect on the situation. I can’t save him and I agree that I’m not resilient enough as a person to be what he needs. I really do love him, very deeply, but I am really wondering how much longer I can keep doing this. It feels awful to even be contemplating walking away from him.

OP posts:
speakout · 14/02/2019 17:50

fearfullotsofthetime

Your user name makes me sad.

Ultimately you have to decide who is worth more to you- him or you.

I walked away from my terminally ill husband, I know how difficult that was.

SparkiePolastri · 14/02/2019 17:52

So to manipulate someone by 'threatening' it would be utterly pointless as you wouldn't be alive to see the results if you get me.

Sorry, I strongly disagree. By 'only' threatening it, he absolutely does remain alive to see the results.

But anyway - for me - it is utterly irrelevant as to whether he is doing this to purposely manipulate / control / abuse the OP. His sickness is having a devastating effect on her - it is strongly negatively affecting her own mental health, and certainly isn't helping his.

She should get out for this reason alone - she should be her priority, not him.

speakout · 14/02/2019 17:57

But anyway - for me - it is utterly irrelevant as to whether he is doing this to purposely manipulate / control / abuse the OP.

I agree.

Parthenope · 14/02/2019 18:38

But anyway - for me - it is utterly irrelevant as to whether he is doing this to purposely manipulate / control / abuse the OP. His sickness is having a devastating effect on her - it is strongly negatively affecting her own mental health, and certainly isn't helping his.

She should get out for this reason alone - she should be her priority, not him.

Hear, hear.

OP, at least consider all your options calmly. You don't have to leave today, but consider seriously that your own MH is at stake here, and that neither of you is currently good for the other you are at risk here, and your priority should absolutely be you. I'm sure someone up the thread has already used the oxygen masks on an airplane metaphor there's a reason you are invariably told to put yours on first before helping anyone else with theirs.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/02/2019 20:35

Thought so: he's a cock. You're not allowed to go to appointments with him because, guess what, there probably aren't any. You're not allowed to talk to anyone else about it because someone else might tell you that it's all bullshit, he never lost a partner to suicide and he has form for pathetic 'attempts' that don't put him at any risk at all.

Going back to the cancer analogy put forward by a PP, don't forget that there are a few manipulative, abusive people who will claim to have cancer in order to get their own way and make a partner's life hell.

Dump his sorry arse and move on. He'll rapidly find some other woman to boohoo at.

speakout · 14/02/2019 20:41

I would go one step further- my late OH had terminal cancer.

He was abusive towards me from the beginning of our marriage, once he became ill even more so.
He was dying and angry and upset, but using me as a punchbag- literally.

I walked out.

Nothing gives someone the right to abuse.

DameIfYouDo · 14/02/2019 23:50

I hope you have the strength to make the right decision.

bibliomania · 15/02/2019 10:08

Hear hear, speakout.

OP, I think you need to look at how you're framing this situation. You seeing yourself as an empath, compassionate, loving, someone who should stand beside a suffering partner. I'm not saying that any of that is bad, obviously, but the risk is that this view of things makes it hard to walk about from the situation. You need to tell yourself a new "story" about what is happening. He has a pattern of toxic relationships, so rather than tolerate this dynamic (which keeps him locked into it too), you can decide, kindly and compassionately, to walk away. He's not in a good place to be in a relationship, but he's not able to see that, so you need to be the clear-sighted person here.

Emeraldshamrock · 15/02/2019 22:06

@fearfullotsofthetime How are things going now.

Original poster
fearfullotsofthetime · 16/02/2019 00:12

He read my last text at 9am and is since ignoring me, which is pretty standard. This absolutely isn’t working for me.. or him. I absolutely see that now.

OP posts:
colouringinpro · 16/02/2019 00:39

It's hard to see at first, but then becomes crystal clear. You know what you need to do for your wellbeing. It will be amazing.

Original poster
fearfullotsofthetime · 16/02/2019 00:46

Oh colouring, thank you Flowers

OP posts:
BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 16/02/2019 01:26

I've lost a few friends to suicide.

Its gut wrenching and it took me years to get over my best friend taking his own life. But we were all there for him and in his case it really was inevitable, he tried for the sake of everyone else but he did what put him at peace and that's how I tried to see it. Missed him so much for such a long time. But sometimes it really is very difficult holding on. I'm also a suicidal person who our life insurance people were reluctant to insure because I'm so likely to do it. I'm really only here because I feel guilted into being here. But every single day for me is 24 hour pain and feelings of inadequacy and exhaustion and isolation. But I try real hard to over come it.

OP, its up to you to decide if hes using ot to control you whether by choice or not, its up to you if you decide enough is enough. Its up to you to decide to stay with him and live with the uncertaincy. It is unfair of him to burden you with this but not let snyone else know, or seek help, because it means you have no support and may end up dragged down with him. Definitely see your own GP, explain the situation and ask for help to protect yourself and for how to get him to see someone himself.

I really hope this resolves and that he gets the help he needs before its too late xxx

Sureyouwill · 16/02/2019 01:51

I can tell you but only from my own personal experience, that whether you leave him or don't, will have a minimal impact on whether he does actually kill himself.

If you can imagine the state he's in like a big massive black cloud. Everything that anyone does, has minimal impact on that cloud (which is also why treatment is difficult). It's like a tiny little fluffy cloud joining the big black cloud that has taken over the whole sky. Nobody would even notice it.
You've stated in your last post that this simply is not working for you. You can leave him now you know. I hate to see a relationship ending on here (or anywhere), but life is out there for you to live. If you can't see this working for you, then you absolutely can and should leave him. Whatever happens after that, is not within your control and certainly not your fault. Depression is a bastard of an illness that blights the lives of so many people. But when it hits it is all encompassing. What everyone else does outside of that cloud is largely irrelevant.

I wish you the best of luck with your decision and future. Life should be there to be enjoyed not endured.

Original poster
fearfullotsofthetime · 18/02/2019 21:20

I ended it today. It was painful and I’m broken, but I know without a shadow of a doubt it’s the right thing for me. I couldn’t breathe, or think coherently or enjoy my own existence.

I am entirely happy to be alone moving forward. I will never feel about anyone the way that I’ve felt about him and I don’t want to settle for 2nd best, but I almost lost myself in him.

Thanks for your support everyone.

OP posts:
Pinkyyy · 18/02/2019 21:21

God bless you OP. You know you have done the right thing, sending you love as I can only imagine how difficult this must be for youFlowers

colouringinpro · 18/02/2019 21:25

fearful Flowers you made the right decision. Be kind to yourself, lots, and very best wishes.

PtahNeith · 18/02/2019 21:43

Moving forward, I think this will help you: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

They'll teach you about healthy vs abusive relationships and how to spot the warning signs you're heading towards toxic territory with someone.

Maybe also Google "trauma bonding".