To feel that his suicide is inevitable and I can’t prevent it.

[fearfullotsofthetime]

I love someone who struggles with his mental health, he’s honest about experiencing suicidal ideation periodically. He’s fully prepared to take his own life previously, bought the relevant items etc. When he’s well, he’s magnificent but he can deteriorate quickly and I feel like, should he decide to take his own life, I wouldn’t be able to prevent this.

How do I live with this? If he doesn’t answer my call or my text isn’t read for a while, I worry that he might have taken his life.

It’s destroying me. Any advice would be appreciated.

If you are to continue in this relationship you need support. You cannot continue live in the shadow of somebody else's shame and not take some of this on, to your detriment as you are now finding out. You must find a safe place to talk about it and cope with it.

Worth looking at why you choose to be locked in this cycle with him. Is it a need to save, to live with the drama? I say this as a person who attempted suicide several times. It was a very dark time for me but I can say now that it was in part a way to control those around me and what made a difference was people not actually engaging with this but instead helping me with securing professional help.

Hmm, this is ringing alarm bells. He’s telling you in detail how he plans to kill himself when you’re his partner and you know he hasn’t told anyone else.

I don’t know if he’s just in the grip of depression or he’s being controlling and manipulative. Only you can know that.

But it’s not fair on you shouldering the burden for this. Tell his family. His gp. Someone else.

You do NOT have to live like this.

Oh and also, what butterymuffin said- a person to offload to is vital. Someone outside of the situation who will let you just rant or cry or get angry. You can't keep this all to yourself. For me, I'm close to DM, so would ring her up for a rant/cry/stress when I needed it.
It can give you a release and also give you some clarity and a space to work out what you should do next when you're feeling overwhelmed by emotions.

But as other PPs have said, there is absolutely no shame if this is all too much and you need to leave to protect yourself.

I think he’s being manipulative OP.

The detailed sharing. The telling you he has what he needs in order to do it.

It means you have no option but to constantly be haunted by thoughts of whether he’s done it.

The impact of suicude is devastating. I lost someone I loved a great deal to it last year.

Please get yourself some support OP. Get your head straight enough to decide what you want.

I have a close friend who is very similar. Previous suicide attempts (genuine attempts - he’s lucky to be alive). Does well for a while and then hits rock bottom again.

It’s horrible. One day he probably will succeed and I’ll be devastated. But in the meantime all I can do is check in and be there and try and make life a bit better.

It used to keep me awake at night but now I force it out of my head because worrying won’t change anything.

No words of advice apart from to say you can’t let it consume you too. We all only have so much to give. But I get it.

Continuing with the cancer analogy, if you love someone who has cancer you need support from friends and family. You need to share the bad and good times with those who know you, for your own mental health. There is nothing to be ashamed of with depression unless you behave as if it's shameful.

Your dp has no right to ask you to keep it secret.

Look up "depression fallout "

Turn this person over to the professionals and walk away. This is an extremely unhealthy situation because, to be blunt, you sound needy and messed up too. If all you are doing is fixating on whether or not your texts and calls are answered, then you are not strong enough to look after this person - and what you have said does give a fairly strong impression that the person is, in fact, a manipulative prick who is quite enjoying the effect all the suicidal talk is having on you.

Abusive people often threaten to kill themselves (yes, I do understand that people can suffer from very serious depression without being abusive, but abusers also use (often self-diagnosed) 'depression' as a weapon). If this person is not seeing any health care professionals then that increases the odds that the suicide threats are manipulative behaviour. Do they increase if you are not sufficiently frightened? Will they ramp up if something nice happens to you?

I don’t have any easy answers. I’ve not had experience of suicide threats, but I have been with someone who, on occasion, would put himself in stupid where put himself at risk of dying.

He recently did this in the presence of our you adult and I had to try to help them deal with him over the phone. I had tried to protect them from him and ultimately couldn't.

I told my children that his behaviour was not their responsibility and they should walk away. They didn’t feel able to, but I realised there had been a shift in my mind to a point where I was wholly unwilling to take responsibility for his actions, and that I had accepted he might kill himself and that if he did, I wouldn’t feel any guilt.

But that also told me that he’d broken something inside me a long time ago. In your position, I think I might walk away. Some people are able to deal with that kind of uncertainty, for others it’s Impossible.

But my one absolute piece of advice (just in case you ever consider it) Do not ever, ever think of having children with this person. If you want children, walk away now and find someone stable who respects both you and themselves.

*put himself in stupid situations.

**young adult children.

Sorry for the typos

A family member has been threatening this for years, a person who suffers terribly from MH issues since they were younger (late teens), self-medicated and have ended up in major crisis 3 times now; the self-medication makes it worse and It so complex. I have the utmost of sympathy for you. I know three people who have committed suicide and none of them ever gave an inkling according to their closest love ones that that was about to to happen. My own loved one says it, not to be dramatic or to threaten, but a way of saying, someone help me now, this Is how bad my life is, but he has never attempted suicide . I know this 20 years into it, but would have been more frightened at the beginning. He is your partner, I don't know how much you can help. Do bear in mind a potential 'vulnerable narcissist' as you pondered he maybe is also potentially a 'delusional disorder' which is a medical diagnosis. Only you know him. I wish you the best but if it is too much for you, do not feel guilty to detach from him; your life is your own and my family member has dragged people down to the point where everyone is an enabler now, even though he is diagnosed.

I am in a similar situation with my ex / friend / Fwb / it's complicated.

The cancer analogy is good. I have accepted that I will probably have to attend his funeral one day. And it doesn't feel held over me. It's just part of who he is. Sometimes when he feels like he isn't safe to be alone he comes and stays for a night or a few days until it eases, and although we occasionally discuss it, it's more like how you'd discuss someone's bad back with them.
I don't know if it helps that I have depression too and that I have spent time feeling suicidal, so I know how it feels to feel that dispair and (in my personal experience) fear that I wouldn't survive the way my brain was making me feel.

However I've never felt like it's being hung over me, never felt responsible for ensuring his safety.

If you are struggling with this counselling might be helpful to a) give you support and b) help you explore wether he is being abusive to you.

My general rule is that once your mental health is 'infecting' others this way, you need to get help, or need to actively take steps to sort yourself out. It's one thing to suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts, but it's another to make other people suffer it with you.

I hope that made some sense :/

I agree with PPs who have recommended counselling. You sound as though you have anxiety. Only you will know whether it's a result of your partner's manipulations/struggles or whether you have always been prone to it. But spiralling to worries about suicide if a text isn't read within a specific timescale is classic catastrophising. You can't live like this. So you either need to get support or/and you need to tell your partner that he needs to access support or you're ending the relationship.
I think he's an abusive arse tbh and I hope counselling gives you the strength to leave

My husband took his own life last year. 2 hours prior to his death he was assessed by experienced mental health professionals as being at low risk of suicide. He and I both denied to them that we felt there was significant risk.

There is NOTHING you can do about this except to protect yourself.

I would see your own GP for support and possible counselling or a support group.

Tell him - and mean it - that if he ever talks to you again in detail about suicide you will if able take him to a&e and leave him there, or if for any reason unable to do this or to cope with it, you will dial his GP surgery for him, make an appointment in his name, and then walk out. You do not have to carry this burden for him.

OP, what professional help is DP getting? He should be on antidepressants and under the care of a CPN and a psychiatrist. If he is actively suicidal he needs to see the crisis team and if the antidepressants are not working at max dosage then he needs admitted for a course of ECT.
None of this is your responsibility. Get him to professional help - either via his GP or the 24/7 open access crisis centre at your local psychiatric hospital. You mustn’t feel that it’s up to you solve all his mental health problems. And as PPs have said, get some counselling yourself, to help you disengage a bit and get your anxiety under control.
I know how tough all this can be - my DD has so far survived two attempted hangings and is on high dose medication and currently off work for 3 months with a relapse. I have to control my anxiety in order to give her support and to keep from getting depressed myself. Sometimes I just hand it all to God in prayer, when it’s too much to deal with. If you have a faith, it can be very comforting. I hope you find solace and support, OP.

Time to go. You aren't doing him any good and he isn't going you any good. I was thinking narcissist too but even if you are sure it isn't that, fear is not a reason to stay with someone. And caring about someone should make us happy, not drain the life and light out of us.

Only you know if it is time to let go. These are only words on an online forum.If you have a depth of love for him that can't let go, then don't. But you have only swing on the roundabout of life and if it is hindering yours so much, you have to, don't be caught up in guilt, because if something bad happens, it was never about you. Maybe it would help you judge better if he throws stuff on you? Does he blame you for stuff? What does his family say? How long has he been like this?

You must be under massive strain. Samaritans on 116123 would be happy to year from you. Well, not happy as such but certainly relieved that you're not some bloke having a wank.

My DH has combat PTSI. He has frequent suicidal thoughts and has made numerous attempts.

There is very little help available for him. He waited over two years for a psychiatrist appointment to then be referred to a psychologist and another two year wait.

C-PTSI is incredibly complex. There is noone in our trust with any specialised training. There is no continuity of care. Our MP has had to get involved repeatedly just to get basic treatment. His CPN appears to have fallen off the planet - for the fifth time. Each new person changes his meds. The crisis team didn't even follow up after his last overdose.

I cope pretty well. The British Legion have offered me six sessions of counselling, but I'm too scared to open the floodgates in case I drown. It's safer locked away.

I stay because my husband is this way due to a psychological war injury as a result of far too many operations, and the horrors of war. He's the bravest man I know and I love him.

You aren't alone OP. There's plenty of us around.

@Annandale; so sorry for your loss ; have nothing else to say, this is probably the best advice. OP

It's a bit fucked up him telling you detailed plans of how he would do it, it's a lot fucked up he doesn't reply to your texts when he knows you worry that he has done it.
Walk away

I'm so sorry. I find this mind-boggling.

There is no way I would ever throw my own happiness and mental health under a bus for someone else.

Why is he so much more important than you?? Just no. Leave.

I'm the other side of this, as in I'm the one that struggles with suicidal thoughts etc. I would never ever discuss in detail with my partner as I wouldn't want to distress him, and there's no need. Obviously he knows when I'm struggling and is supportive.

For me, the worse thing is being a burden or causing pain to those I love so would try and shield them where possible.

I am wondering the same as pp, why the need for the upsetting detail and why leave the gap before answering texts when he knows it upsets you?

I’m so sorry to those who have lost loved ones to this, and also those that are living with this.

I have appreciated the responses.

I don’t want to walk away, but to those who have said that my posts indicate that I’m an anxious person, you are right and I’m not managing this well at all.

When I do something that he’s unhappy with, he absolutely does tell me that I need to think more deeply about my behaviour as he’s fragile due to mental health. Which heightens the anxiety I experience.