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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inheritance problem

113 replies

Brian9600 · 13/02/2019 18:01

My FIL died at the end of last year. He left quite a substantial estate, inc two houses, to be shared equally between his three children (MIL died some years ago).

The original plan was to sell the houses and split everything (post IHT) equally in cash. However, DH is now wondering whether he might prefer to keep one of the houses and have a smaller amount of cash (so that everyone still gets the same, IYSWIM). It's a cottage in the Lake District which FIL used to use for holidays and which he would also let DH and his other two children (SIL and BIL) borrow for holidays and weekends.

DH's plan is that we could use the cottage for holidays and also continue to let SIL and BIL use it when we weren't. This would obviously be nice for them as well as beneficial for us (as the house wouldn't be standing empty so much).

However, he's now getting cold feet about the idea as, when he mentioned it to SIL, she reacted as if it would be communal- talking about making up rotas for sharing, which bedroom would be hers, changes she would like to make etc etc. DH didn't really know how to react so didn't say anything but I think he was quite annoyed- SIL will be getting exactly the same share of the estate and doesn't have any interest in owning the house herself.

I wondered whether anyone had any views on this or experience to share? It may be just that she spoke thoughtlessly and actually there's no problem. But DH is worried that, even once he's been clearer that it would be our house not SIL's, it wouldn't feel properly like ours.

I have been trying to keep out of it as it's his family and his inheritance. But I feel slightly worried about it too.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 13/02/2019 19:10

The SIL clearly wants to keep the money herself and for your husband to keep the house, which she will borrow whenever she wants to, and which she will think of as her own.

Turn this around: she therefore wants your husband to have hardly any of the money and no house to himself, either.

Tinkobell · 13/02/2019 19:16

Aside from the mortgage costs, our holiday home costs around £200 per month in fixed bills; that's if no one stays there. In addition, we probably spend about £500 a year on painting, keeping mice out, hedge trimming etc. It's not a bomb, but you do find family never offer to contribute to that if they stay and use the place. We have a cleaner that does a changeover that's also £100 / stay with all the linen and towels. People assume that you can just swallow it up I'm afraid.

Bestseller · 13/02/2019 19:16

TBF to SIL it will be very difficult to change the place in her head from her family home to her brother's house where she is a fortunate guest. Which is why it's a bad idea.

NotStayingIn · 13/02/2019 19:23

I wouldn't keep it. Even with lots of conversations, clarifications, etc I think you are inviting trouble. It's very likely that the other family members will always see that cottage as a little bit theirs. That they will have a little bit more of a right over it then someone outside of the family renting/borrowing it off you. And in return, DH might feel taken advantage of or that he got 'less' in the inheritance. It's just not worth the risk.

OnTheHop · 13/02/2019 19:24

I think he needs to be clear with SIL. He could say “are you suggesting that we keep it jointly, between us, and both adjust our shares of other assets accordingly? I had been thinking, if you and DB don’t want to continue owning it that I would buy your shares off you and keep it for my family. But the way you are talking it sounds as if you would like to co-own it? If I own it I may need to take holiday lets to make it pay but of course it would be lovely if you and DB use it occasionally “.

Clarity and communication! If he lived the cottage and you can afford to keep it, do it but be clear!

Tinkobell · 13/02/2019 19:31

This is another thing that I know happens a lot with holiday homes....you fancy a quiet week away, just on your own as a family...extended family find out and invite themselves along too! Recipe for narky cabin fever and first arrivals nicking the 'best bed' ☹️...it wears very thin v quickly.

HollowTalk · 13/02/2019 19:47

@Tinkobell, do you find family and friends say, "Oh we'll clean up after ourselves, no need for a cleaner!" when you really want them to pay for the cleaner after their visit?

HollowTalk · 13/02/2019 19:48

I would love a holiday home but I know how difficult it would be with family wanting to use it. And if you're thinking of hiring it out, then letting family stay free of charge means that you're giving them money, doesn't it?

Tinkobell · 13/02/2019 19:50

@Hollowtalk - yup! First family member chucked red wine over kitchen wall. I had to get someone in to paint it over...at my cost, didn't even get an apology either. What you do get are "handy" suggestions - you need a radio in the kitchen, you need shower mats.£££ ☹️

HollowTalk · 13/02/2019 20:01

"You need..." would drive me mad!

The thing is your family member wouldn't expect to get away with throwing wine around in someone else's holiday home that they were paying for. They'd expect a fine of some kind. It's a shame you can't pretend it's somewhere you just like to rent occasionally.

scaryteacher · 13/02/2019 20:01

If the holiday home increases in value, bu the cash inheritance doesn't, isn't the dh benefiting over and above his siblings? He has an appreciating asset and they don't. Fairest all round to sell it, or keep it between the the siblings.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 13/02/2019 20:04

The simple, drama free solution is to split evenly and use that to buy another holiday home for yourselves.

TheyBuiltThePyramids · 13/02/2019 20:09

Scary - that is a stupid argument. Any of the siblings could invest their part of the money any which way.

HollowTalk · 13/02/2019 20:10

It's up to them to invest their money then, @scaryteacher!

scaryteacher · 13/02/2019 20:15

Yes they could Theybuilt and Hollowtalk, invest their money how they choose. However, this is an inheritance, and one sibling keeping a property, can lead to issues later, especially if the prices of property go up, and iirc, property in the Lake District can command a premium anyway.

WiddlinDiddlin · 13/02/2019 20:19

You may be worrying about nothing as it may not be possible to divvy up the estate that way, it may be that the properties HAVE to be sold.

If that is the case and DH really does want that house, then instruct sol. to buy it with his share of the inheritance - there is then no need to tell the others he now owns it, and that solves the issue :D

myidentitymycrisis · 13/02/2019 20:24

sell the other house and add it to the pot and spilt all evenly. keep the holiday house as a shared asset with shared upkeep and rota the use of it.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 13/02/2019 20:24

We did this with a property.

Lets use round figures for ease.

Three children incl your DH

2 houses eg worth 100K a piece and say, 400K in the bank. So that's a total of 600K in FIL assets for distribution.

Once the houses are valued and the price agreed by all three of the siblings (so get 3 valuations and pick the mid one), then DH effectively buys out the other two siblings and the house transfers into his name , so DH gets 1 house plus 100k, the other two siblings get 200K each, total assets = 600K

TortoiseLettuce · 13/02/2019 20:27

SIL must have misunderstood and thought the home would be a shared asset. I wouldn’t enter into that sort of arrangement, it’ll be a nightmare. You need to discuss it and explain that DH wants to buy them out so he’s the sole owner. What happens next depends on how awkward and CF she is. If she’s going to be difficult then just sell it.

missymayhemsmum · 13/02/2019 20:31

Offer the siblings a choice- either they share the ownership of the holiday house and split the rest of the inheritance 3 ways, or it belongs to your dh as part of his share and they might get an invite now and again but you'll also let it out and use it when it suits your family.

Drum2018 · 13/02/2019 20:35

Big no from me. Your inlaws will still see it as theirs and no doubt want keys to use it as they'd please. I'd sell the houses and divide the proceeds in 3. Then if you and Dh wish to buy a holiday home go ahead, but never give anyone else the impression that they will have free use of said home. Saw it mentioned on another forum where an inherited house was being used by siblings, but was only inherited by one of them. When she mentioned selling it after a few years, the other siblings expected a cut of the proceeds. They had just continued to see it as a family holiday home so it caused a lot of grief.

Amongstthestars · 13/02/2019 20:36

This sounds like a situation full of strife in future. They’d still see it as a family asset, yet the property ownership and associated hassles would fall into your/DH’s lap.

Sounds like SIL will be first to reserve her time there, but probably no where on hand when it comes to issues and maintenance.

Sell sell sell and buy somewhere new for your leisure

slcol · 13/02/2019 20:40

Could it not just remain in the estate? As in, is passed to all three of them and kept, and remaining property sold?

Sukochicha · 13/02/2019 20:40

Sell it. Split the proceeds.

Don’t bother buying a holiday home, just rent a beautiful place for the 2 weeks a year you’ll actually spend there!!!

DeRigueurMortis · 13/02/2019 21:13

Tbh it's not clear to me OP that your SIL understood the proposition.

Of course I may be wrong (and she is being very entitled expecting to "co-share" the property without paying for it) but her response is more aligned to someone reacting to a suggestion that all the beneficiaries keep the property (and reduce their cash inheritance) and have a rota of use, redecorate "their" rooms etc

So firstly before you bin the idea I'd be looking to make sure she understood the proposal.

Secondly, if she did misunderstand I'd suggest your DH and yourself need to consider if you're open to a family shared ownership arrangement.

My perspective would be not to throw in the towel at this stage, but definitely tread very carefully.

Whether you keep the house in sole ownership or as a family share you need to be crystal clear about expectations from the get go and I'd consider legal and tax advice a wise investment.

In terms of a family share you need an iron clad agreement on all aspects of ownership. Maintaining the property, agreements on decor, what can be stored there, any private spaces, who else can stay and with whose permission, do non family visitors pay and how much, how to handle visitation "clashes", rota swaps, if someone wants to sell etc etc....

It's absolutely easiest to sell and tbh I think you really need to research what owning such a property (in whole or part) entails both financially and emotionally.

If SIL didn't misunderstand, then it's definitely a red flag wrt her response. Is she normally reasonable or a known "taker"? Answering this gives a clue to where her head is at.

It's a lovely idea (owning a holiday home) but one where it's easy to fall foul of many hurdles if you're not prepared and this is especially true if there are family expectations that are not fully understood.

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