To think that Mumsnetters suggest leaving DP's & DH's at the drop of a hat?

[ohmywhattodo]

That really! I’ve been with my DH nearly 23 yrs and married over 18.5yrs. Seriously speaking reading the mn posts I would have been told to leave him multiple times - yet I don’t want to be divorced from him and both he and I love each other. We have several children and if I’d left him every time we’ve had a serious disagreement or said things in the heat of arguments or when things have been tough (& there have been many) our children would have been much much worse off both financially and stability wise. Relationships take ALOT of work and even more when there are children involved - frankly reading Mumsnet I’m not surprised that the number of children from split families is so high if virtually nobody seem willing to actually work at a relationship.

I know what you mean and think that sometimes people use LTB when a serious talk is needed. I always think that people say some terrible things and name call in arguments but on MN that means the end of your marriage.

That being said, I think sometimes, in some cases, there have been legitimate calls to LTB due to abuse and gaslighting etc.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work - who told you that?

If someone is abusive or controlling then it should be a LTB.
DH and I do disagree sometimes but we certainly don’t have raging arguments. I couldn’t live with someone I found hard work.

if I’d left him ... our children would have been much much worse off both financially and stability wise.

That's a shit reason to stay in any marriage.

I agree sometime people shout LTB too easily, but you shouldn't ever stay in a marriage because you think the children would be worse off.

I posted for advice on my suicidal husband and was told he is controlling and to LTB. What he actually needed was love and support and he’s doing much better now because of it.

Imagine if I’d have taken that posters advice.

Coming from a split family is only bad for children if the adults behave unreasonably and use the children as weapons.

I am divorced and exh and I have a great relationship. DS is happy and if we had stayed together then none of us would have been happy.

I don't think every situation is clear cut but some of them are.

A lot of MNers here seem to think that a split family is the absolute worst thing ever and are willing to put up with all sorts of crap to avoid that happening. I think that's foolish.

Someone missed the bit where I said we love each other and don’t want to be divorced & I meant that if I’d upped and left or made Dh leave every time we’ve had an argument where i suspect some mnetters would suggest ltb then my children would have been much worse off - this is fact.

It’s unreasonable to think relationships are hard work - ever had a DM, DF, son, daughter etc etc - if people have anything about them they have strong opinions that don’t always agree with their loved ones... Jobs, stress, life events all strain relationships and make them hard work - or perhaps I’ve just had a really really shit life and put up with more than most are willing to? 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you recognise that other people would have advised you over the years to leave your relationship, is it really that good?

It depends on how accurately the OP describes their situation. What we tend to forget is how one sided the accounts we read are, written by people who are too upset to see both sides.
Then again, people don't post at the first sign of trouble which could be easily resolved, but after a build up of problems and a history of unhappiness.

"or perhaps I’ve just had a really really shit life and put up with more than most are willing to"

Yep. That was me too. I thank god I discovered mumsnet and they opened my eyes for me. That was in 2009. I filed for divorce in 2010. I wish i'd have discovered mumsnet 5 years earlier.

I'm quite happy to day ltb because I know from personal experience and from the world around me that life is too short to spend it with someone who drags you down because of their ego/emotional immaturity.

I've never, never, ever seen a twat come good.

Yes it’s good - but we’ve also had lots of stress in our lives that could very easily have broken us up. I don’t think I put up with much but reading mn sometimes I think people are very quick to think that the grass is greener on their own or with someone else. As another pp says when posting there is only one side there for people to read. I’m not sure I agree with pp who says posters don’t post at the first instance of trouble - some probably don’t some probably do. I often wonder how young posters are and who much experience they have of talking things through with their partners to reach a compromise both are happy with. I was taught that most things in life are a compromise and if you’re not willing to compromise then you shouldn’t get married or have children.

I disagree. I think women on MN are willing to put up with truly shocking shit from their partners, and that there is generally a very low standard set for men.

My partner has never even once said something cruel, or used a weakness of mine against me, or treated me like a housekeeper, or pressured me for sex, or any of the other crap you see on this site all the time. And I have never done it to him. Neither of us are magical unicorns either - this should just be normal. It should be absolutely standard to treat your partner with respect and kindness. And if your partner doesn’t do this, you should seriously consider leaving.

I’m another one who doesn’t adhere to the ‘relationships take hard work’ brigade. They don’t if they are healthy and supportive - even in hard times.

I suppose it comes down to where your personal line is drawn. I definitely would never say to someone stay when they wanted to leave or were abused - that’s non negotiable.

I don't know, Mumsnet has really opened my eyes to how awful some people's relationships are and that's if only half of what I read is true. Women describing awful situations and treatment like it's normal. I've read things on here where I've genuinely hoped that they would ltb because they deserve so much better. And relationships don't have to be ALOT of hard work. They shouldn't be.

I know what you mean OP. I could easily write threads that would get me instant LTBs, as well as ones saying how incredibly lucky I am to have DH. It all depends on what you include or leave out, and how you write it. Lives are in general messy, people all need support at some times and they all behave badly at other times. Those who've never had a cross word with their partner sound far too boring to contemplate spending an hour with, never mind a lifetime.

... And then there are threads where someone's partner makes them feel afraid, or lies to them, or threatens a child's happiness, or gambles away the rent money. On those threads I hope LTB has the desired effect.

😂 come live my teenagers - they’re not hard work at all 😂😂 The DH can be hard work and so can I - but we’re also supportive of each other and recognise the reasons for each other being hardwork. As I said life events have lead to a stressful last lots of years...would we have been better off divorcing...no because it wasn’t “us” that’s the problem but things around us - our of our control.

@Mrex yes! Precisely 😊

Relationships take ALOT of work

I believed this shit too and it kept me in a relationship with an abusive man. This lie keeps women in crappy relationships because they believe it is MEANT to be hard and MEANT to be work and if only they can work HARD enough they can fix it!

Nah. THere's a process of getting to deepen your knowledge of each other, but if it is hard work then the relationship is wrong.

I think what's more of an issue is that people start threads on every disagreement that, pre-forums like this, would have got resolved in no time once everyone had cooled off - but if posted on here end up getting massively overblown.

To the posters who are saying that relationships shouldn't take hard work, I used to think like that, when I was 5, 10, and 15 years into my marriage.

After 28 years, I look around at my friends' marriages and my own, and I can't think of one good marriage that hasn't gone through some extremely tough times. Without exception, it has taken hard work, endurance, honesty, generosity, and determination to keep marriage as a positive force in the lives of both people in every very long-term couple that I know.

OP, you’ve never posted on MN asking for relationship advice because you’re happy that yours is ok. The women who DO post have serious issues in theirs.

I think women who have no experience of abuse are sometimes naive and can’t understand that an apparently small problem is actually a massive red flag for much worse things going on under the radar.
There have been some horrific drip feeds on here.
Abused women have been groomed by their partners over years to accept ever increasing levels of control, to the point that they see it as normal.
Mumsnet performs a valuable service in resetting these women’s norms, in showing them they do not have to accept emotional, financial, sexual or physical abuse, in giving them the emotional support and legal advice they need to leave their abusers.
Saying that they are moaning about nothing, or giving up too easily, is colluding with abuse. Please don’t say anything that might dissuade a vulnerable woman with low self esteem from leaving.

I am constantly amazed at what some women will put up with before seeking help. We all have a right to be happy, to lives our lives without violence, verbal abuse or coercion.

If you have to be to to be single in order to achieve freedom for yourself and a life under your own control then of course some need to ltb.

Well maybe not hard work but successful relationships do take work, sometimes compromise and it’s not always a bed of roses. Most relationships have tough times and strong couples survive these by working on the relationship not just fucking off at the drop of a hat because it’s a bit tough. Life isn’t a fairy tale!

Every relationship takes a certain amount of work, even the relationship with your own dc I mean it isn’t always easy is it?