To think that Mumsnetters suggest leaving DP's & DH's at the drop of a hat?

[ohmywhattodo]

That really! I’ve been with my DH nearly 23 yrs and married over 18.5yrs. Seriously speaking reading the mn posts I would have been told to leave him multiple times - yet I don’t want to be divorced from him and both he and I love each other. We have several children and if I’d left him every time we’ve had a serious disagreement or said things in the heat of arguments or when things have been tough (& there have been many) our children would have been much much worse off both financially and stability wise. Relationships take ALOT of work and even more when there are children involved - frankly reading Mumsnet I’m not surprised that the number of children from split families is so high if virtually nobody seem willing to actually work at a relationship.

Neither have I. But that's the level of offence we're talking about in some cases. Posters told to LTB for something as minor as that!

But that's the level of offence we're talking about in some cases.

Which cases, where did you see this?

I'm not about to start finding threads. But you see it all the time on here. It's ridiculous. People throwing the word abuse around. It's insulting to women that have experienced real abuse.

I think we all know there are situations were LTB, NC or call 999, are clearly appropriate but yes there times when that just isn't the case based on a OP alone. Yet some pp will project their own experience, or unvalidated experiences they glean off the internet, onto the situation.

Assuming the incident described is the tip of an iceberg because that is what you expected to happen is not the right response. I wish pp would just ask the OP to explain more and why they are asking for help. Rather than rushing in there with projection and assumption. Even worse is attacking anybody who tries to get a more measured response and more information.

But my pet hate is the way some pp will even bully the OP into accepting their interpretation, even if the OP says not. Especially when they decide there must be an OW no matter the OP says or even if the OP says they can't contemplate that yet. I would hate to be around these people in rl, they must be very thick-skinned.

The problem is that they scare off the OP by either being just plain wrong or by making them confront issues they are not ready for. The fact they don't hang around if their theory of the OP is not proved says a lot about their concern and need to help.

I think it’s really reflective of British values surrounding marriage. Most seem to think of marriage as nothing more than a romantic relationship. I see it as more of a domestic partnership. It’s just a cultural difference.

I don’t see it all the time on here though...

(and I have experienced abuse, not involving tea, and I’d say if anything MN threads underplay it by not recognising it as such unless the poster is very, very explicit, in a way that’s hard to be when abuse messes with your head. Also there are a lot of posters who think “that’s abuse, you need to LEAVE!!” will work magic and then get pissed off at the OP for not packing her bags and being out the door immediately which doesn’t help either.)

I think women on MN are willing to put up with truly shocking shit from their partners, and that there is generally a very low standard set for men

Totally agree.

I'm another one who thinks that the shocking thing on here isn't people saying to leave over small things, it's the giant things that people are willing to leave with. There are a depressing number of posters who appear to think that men who pull their weight domestically literally do not exist.

@Auslander that made me 🤣🤣

I don't think people value marriage anymore.its ok for some stranger to say LTB for something petty that can be resolved with a bit of graft and communication because it's not their life. I saw a post a few years ago where the ladies husband called her a bitch in an argument. so many people jumped on the thread telling her he was abusive and next time he would hit her! Jesus Christ if I had a pound for every time my husband called me a bitch in an argument I'd be a very rich woman! To me that isn't a solid reason to chuck the towel in on our marriage.

Jesus Christ if I had a pound for every time my husband called me a bitch in an argument I'd be a very rich woman!

I’m not going to tell you to leave him, but that is extremely shit behaviour on his part.

There are some funny moans on here and there are some real horror stories. Every case is different, what some women think of just the old mans quirks others see as a red flag. I do worry that women go into a relationship with rose tinted spectacles, but perhaps men do too.

The first year we were married was so hard just rubbing along together daily. (We had not lived together pre wedding) I threw a plant pot at him once when he had driven me mad wittering on about something, he ducked and it sailed out of the window. I rescued it and 41 years later it is still flowering.

When I mentioned this incident on mumsnet once I was berated for being violent and abusive.

🤣🤣🤣 okay...

Well I'm not a snowflake who gets offended that easily.

Because having someone lay out the option of LTB can give them the space to look and evaluate and consider the option.
Maybe they thought they had to stay forever. Whatever . They might decide no. Or yes.
Maybe LTB makes them.think no way I am.happy to.work through this.
Or.maybe they realise they don't have to put up.with cr4p.
The p.p with suicidal dh ...depends... if they had left then realised it was just temporary they can return. It depends. My exp was suicidal..short term... but also abusive. Long term. No amount of support thru the MH crisis could change the long term.outlook. and he was aggressive..so .either way I and dc could not live with him in that state . Unlocking MH crisis versus long term behaviour patterns was useful.

No one forces a poster to do anything but like a good counsellor can open eyes to options. The p.p. makes the decision.

But wouldn't you rather have a husband who didn't call you a bitch? And do you really think that's a lot to ask?

Also agree about the abuse word being too readily bandied about. There are things that shouldn’t be said but are said in arguments (yes probably childishly but let’s be honest most people have arguments where they behave childishly), there are those that sulk (yes again childish but hey most people do!), there are behaviours that may be unreasonable at times (or all the time depending on where your lines are drawn), show me someone who isn’t a little bit controlling over something (how the towels are hung/ dishwasher loaded etc) etc but they are not abusive relationships. We’ve heard survivors of abuse tell their reality and they are not the above!!

There are husbands out there who never call their wives bitches at all.

@LisaSimpsonsbff no I have no problems with it I can give as good as i get.I wasn't wrapped up in cotton wool as a child. I'm not offended easily and I'm an adult I can take it. We're both sweaty people and I love our relationship. He's never laid a finger on my and is faithful and loving and the best dad. That's what is most important to me.

@53rdWay but a flannel is not my kind of man.

Sweary not sweaty 😂

He's never laid a finger on my and is faithful and loving and the best dad. That's what is most important to me.

But you make it sound like it would be somehow impossible for a man to be those things and not call you a bitch. It really, really isn't.

I think listing 'never laid a finger on me' as a positive is one of the biggest red flags for very low expectations. It would never occur to me to list that (or the fact he's faithful) among my DH's positive qualities: it's just a given. To me it's like saying 'oh he's kind, funny, not a serial killer, handsome...'

toomuchtoolittle, do you really think that men who don’t call their wives bitches are ‘flannels’? Would you teach your sons to grow up to call their girlfriends bitches?

It sounds rather like you have found ways to justify your husband’s faults by making your ability to put up with them a point of pride, which is rather sad. I used to do that too. I’m glad I don’t any more.

I think women on MN are willing to put up with truly shocking shit from their partners, and that there is generally a very low standard set for men

Couldn't agree more! Maybe I'm a cold hearted bitch but I just don't place that much value on relationships (even my marriage) that I would put up with being treated badly just to stay in the relationship. I fully believe that the best thing for children is to have happy parents so if the parents are unhappy in the relationship then staying together is actually detrimental to the dc's. Just my opinion.

I’ve seen people suggest that they should LTB when actually sometimes you get the sense that the OP hasn’t quite painted the full picture.

Recently there was an OP who made out her DH was a bit of a cock because he made, what was in my view, a heat of the moment comment about earning all the money.

Then a bit more came to light - essentially the OP had decided she would be a SAHM but hadn’t actually properly discussed with her dh and it was as if she’d pushed him into it.

Lots of cries of financial abuse etc etc. I just couldn’t believe it.

But it makes you realise just how much projection there is and how people fail, time and time again, to read and fully appreciate an OP.

But I don’t think it’s thrown about for frivolous things.

Jesus people like to twist things on here 😂

I gave those listings because somehow calling someone a bitch is really bad and classed as abusive on here. I'm proving that just because a man calls you a bitch in a heated argument doesn't mean he's verbally or physically abusive. Look take what you want from my post, pull it twist it do what the hell you want with it. But I don't need your red flags or your concern thanks x