To think that Mumsnetters suggest leaving DP's & DH's at the drop of a hat?

[ohmywhattodo]

That really! I’ve been with my DH nearly 23 yrs and married over 18.5yrs. Seriously speaking reading the mn posts I would have been told to leave him multiple times - yet I don’t want to be divorced from him and both he and I love each other. We have several children and if I’d left him every time we’ve had a serious disagreement or said things in the heat of arguments or when things have been tough (& there have been many) our children would have been much much worse off both financially and stability wise. Relationships take ALOT of work and even more when there are children involved - frankly reading Mumsnet I’m not surprised that the number of children from split families is so high if virtually nobody seem willing to actually work at a relationship.

I agree with PP that the standards we hold men to can be depressingly low. I think the worst threads are where the man is blatantly not pulling their weight at home and leaving the vast majority of the domestic/childcare responsibilities to their exhausted partners. So many posters will respond with "my DH is like that LOL" or "men just don't see what needs doing and have lower standards" rather than acknowledging that the man is actually taking the piss and being horribly disrespectful to his partner.

It can look OTT to suggest LTB because he hasn't washed the dishes or tidied the house, but when this is the norm and actually your partner never really does his share then this can easily be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Relationships require effort and compromise, but this should be a two-way thing and if you are consistently finding that you are doing all the running then I think it would be wise to question whether the relationship is worth fighting for.

I think it comes down to the attitudes of the individual responding or their personal beliefs on what's acceptable and their own previous experiences and how they felt and responded to that experience. Reading text is tricky as its not clear what is being implied or explained. So some might see a simple.. "my husband didn't help me even though he had the day off..." and relate to their own experiences and emotions and react with a LTB response as it churned up their own feelings.

@TwitterLovesMAPs @lilajude but that's all you get on a forum is a snapshot from one person's perspective, a person who is probably pissed off or upset and that's what's driven them to post, so it's unlikely to be an unbiased account. If they give too much info in the OP they're chastised for waffling or people don't read it all, if they add extra information later it's drip feeding. There are clear situations of abuse on here where the poster should be encouraged to explore their options outside of the relationship safely, but there are some where cries of LTB are unfounded or based on little information. In particular the threads where people leap in and say the partner is having an affair or that you can't have friends of opposite sexes, which if being said by men would be viewed as controlling or jealous behaviours.

I think part of the problem of LTB posts are that on here we are only getting one side of a probably very complicated story. We can only take what we read at face value and go on that. The chances are there is a lot more to it than we are reading on MN and if we were to hear the other side we would probably have a completely different view.

@crumbnugget I agree there's a lot of projection

Relationships take ALOT of work

They shouldn't.. but:

Think of it this way.

Someone posts on Mumsnet that their partner is doing X and they're unhappy because their partner has always done X

Think of that post not as a singular post, but the top of a tree. It's taken a lot of time, benches, knots and sawn spots to get to that point.

Theres rarely posts on MN that are a first reaction to a one off issue, it's normally only after much shit that someone posts.

So don't s a single leg, remember there's possibly a hell of a lot of leaves behind that one.

Not sure all the cases described on MN deserve a LTB but generally, in real life, I actually think more women should consider LTB.

I agree with a pp, we are only hearing one side of the story (obviously there are some where it's glaringly obvious that the woman is being abused, when looking at it from the outside).
DP and I had a disagreement the other night and he said, how about I start a thread on mumsnet and see what everyone thinks. I told him to go ahead, and I would start one from my point of veiw and we will see what happens, we didn't actually do it, but I think if we had, we would have both been given support.

@Drogosnextwife - or you could both put your cases in one thread and let people choose, that would be better.

Also every thread on here about partners who ARE truly awful will get at least one “God OP you sound like hard work, I’m sure you’re exaggerating, stop being such a princess” type of response. Am pretty sure you could do an AIBU from the perspective of Bluebeard’s wife and still get some snipey handmaiden telling you off for wanting to micromanage the home decoration.

@TwitterLovesMAPs @lilajude but that's all you get on a forum is a snapshot from one person's perspective, a person who is probably pissed off or upset and that's what's driven them to post, so it's unlikely to be an unbiased account. If they give too much info in the OP they're chastised for waffling or people don't read it all, if they add extra information later it's drip feeding. There are clear situations of abuse on here where the poster should be encouraged to explore their options outside of the relationship safely, but there are some where cries of LTB are unfounded or based on little information. In particular the threads where people leap in and say the partner is having an affair or that you can't have friends of opposite sexes, which if being said by men would be viewed as controlling or jealous behaviours.

Of course you only get a snapshot. But, to take the example you’ve given, it’s more useful to women on this site as a whole to say that that behaviour is not acceptable in a relationship and if that’s what the rest of the relationship is like then that’s not okay. I’d rather say that than minimise it and say oh it’s probably a one off or a bad day. I don’t think, on a forum like this, where so many women are reaching out as a last resort, that giving the benefit of the doubt is helpful.

I agree that LTB is shouted out rather too hastily in a lot of cases. Just like the GO NO CONTACT when a mil has done something as heinous as buy a duplicate chocolate advent calendar for a gc "She's had her turn, tell her to butt out," etc etc.

There are obvious cases where it's very clear that a dh/dp is abusive or unfaithful or just plain horrible and in those cases it is right to encourage the OP to see that she has options beyond suffering a half-life with an arsehole.

But breaking up families when the dh has shown some thoughtlessness/laziness or something much more minor? I think it is quite damaging to stoke up someone into thinking they are living with a bastard when the OP might be just as culpable. I remember seeing a poster saying they were bfing and their dh wouldn't sit up with them at night to keep them company despite having to go to work. In amongst the many people telling OP they were being U, were a fair few telling the OP that the dh was a lazy tyke who could doze at work (never mind that he might have been a train driver or pilot!) and even a sprinkling of LTB. Yep, leave with a newborn baby because of this.

Haven’t run off! Some very interesting points and perspectives to consider. I personally don’t think that being unhappy is ALWAYS. A good enough reason to leave - of course if the unhappiness is the partner/husband and there’s no way of changing things for the better then it would right to leave BUT sometimes unhappiness can reflect in our relationships when the unhappiness isn’t caused directly by the partner - if there are children then my personal view is that I may have to put up with times of unhappiness because that is the right thing to do to secure their childhood and their future. Again - I repeat Times/or periods of unhappiness (discontentment) not permanent unhappiness and definitely not abuse from a husband or dp.

@Maybedoctor good point!

It’s all very well saying LTB, but in practical terms it could make life very difficult. Most homes now need two incomes, telling someone to leave their husbands can make the woman very vulnerable in regards to having affordable housing etc.

because that is the right thing to do to secure their childhood and their future

I think it’s really important to acknowledge that a split family - if the split is handled well - makes children insecure or damages their future.

We’ve made it absolutely imperative that our daughter has remained happy and secure.

I also think that things that are labelled “abuse” if done by the man are often dismissed as nothing if done by the woman. A wife can just as easily be abusive.

@ohmywhattodo

I agree with you 100% For this reason alone I will never post on MN about my marriage. I post about other things sometimes and also comment on posts but I think my marriage is private and I also do not think that some of the users on here are even at my level so they would not be able to give me the best advice possible.

The problem is that you do not know from Adam who people are behind the username, what their relationship status is and why they even say LTB? I wish MN made it so that you could highlight next to your username something like: single, in a relationship, long term relationship, married, married for over 10 years or something similar. That way when people give advice based on your situation you will know how long their own relationship has lasted or whether they are not even married and probably not qualified to give you advice.

Another example is that I do not give advice on posts about children as I have none yet. I think it very wrong to start giving parenting advice to mothers asking when I have not the first clue and would just be making something up. So really people saying leave the bastard may be single, may have had an abusive relationship background or they could be really unhappy in a married and they are just venting their frustrations onto you as the poster.

I do think that some posters (not all as some are lovely) are very mean, cruel and need to learn manners. I was often looking at the relationships thread to read comments from users suggesting they should leave their husband or partner when it was actually quite clear the couple just had a communication breakdown and also you never got to see context (the full story) or the side of the male partner/husband to understand there take and identify whether they are actually doing what the poster says they are. I would often give advice to users that really came down to finding ways to open up to your husband/partner, having date nights, setting aside time to communicate and listen about your feelings etc and I would often be told things such as that is bullshit!

I actually just laugh it off when people are rude like this because I am giving very genuine advice based of my own experiences (which worked) and instead of acknowledging this, the users imply that relationships should not be worked at and that the man should be perfect or he just should take a hick! I have also come across some users who are very welcoming to my comments also so its not everyone who are like this.

To summarise, if you require relationship advice:

1. Please take responses with a pinch of salt,
2. Have tough skin a
3. If possible find this advice elsewhere from people who you know and are in a relationship.

These comments do not reflect relationships that involve abuse! - This is a different discussion

I think women on MN are willing to put up with truly shocking shit from their partners, and that there is generally a very low standard set for men

^ this, 100% this! People, particularly women, are conditioned to believe that any old man is better than no man and that relationships are work^ (for the woman, usually). I am often astounded by the actual shit that so many women put up with in relationships.
Actually hearing from a stranger, "hey, you can leave you know" is very helpful for lots of women. For those that don't find it helpful? Nobody is forcing you to LTB.

I agree, sometimes one should hold up a mirror and ask who actually is the problem. For example in cases of tidying up/housework it's not laziness but different standards. I admit I am a very untidy person. I clean a lot, but the house would give Marie Kondo a fit of the vapours. I can see in a relationship where one person is very tidy and the other isn't, it could cause conflict. In threads where a person is complaining that a dh isn't pulling his weight, is that a genuine lazy attitude or a failure to live up to the OP's standards? We don't know. I remember seeing someone complaining that a dh hadn't cleaned up after cooking and hadn't wiped down surfaces. Cue many LTBs as he was such a disrespectful slob. I was - shrug - couldn't get worked up about a messy kitchen.

The amount of pack his bags and change the locks advice I see on here would keep locksmiths and the manufacturer of bin bags in business forever.
I agree that some relationships are abusive for both partners and they need addressing, but sometimes it's mind boggling.
Such as ' my partner tried to fondle my leftie in bed, I pushed his hand away, so he tried to fondle the other one instead' is met with the response of ' he's an abuser, LTB, pack his bags change the locks and see a solicitor, you can have a free 30 min consultation '.
Blimey, if I left my old man or he left me every time we went for a fumble we would have a right roundabout of a marriage.

Ha ha - I like the idea of having to have a CV alongside one's name so one can judge the expertise!

It always amuses me when people post about spending at Christmas and pontificate about buying their dcs a second-hand toy and a used book from the charity shop. Please come back and post again when you have two teens, not a two year old and a new baby...

@Auslander agree! Doesn't matter if you have a family, two dogs, a cat, a mortgage just LTB

The word abuse is thrown around too easily and too often. Your husband refusing to make you a cup of tea is NOT abuse!

In over 12 years as a MN user I don't think I have ever seen anyone suggesting that a husband refusing to make a cup of tea is abuse. Which thread did you see that on?