To think that Mumsnetters suggest leaving DP's & DH's at the drop of a hat?

[ohmywhattodo]

That really! I’ve been with my DH nearly 23 yrs and married over 18.5yrs. Seriously speaking reading the mn posts I would have been told to leave him multiple times - yet I don’t want to be divorced from him and both he and I love each other. We have several children and if I’d left him every time we’ve had a serious disagreement or said things in the heat of arguments or when things have been tough (& there have been many) our children would have been much much worse off both financially and stability wise. Relationships take ALOT of work and even more when there are children involved - frankly reading Mumsnet I’m not surprised that the number of children from split families is so high if virtually nobody seem willing to actually work at a relationship.

Abused women have been groomed by their partners over years to accept ever increasing levels of control, to the point that they see it as normal

This. 'Shit' becomes your normal. It is no longer shit because it is normal.

I agree that relationships shouldn’t be hard work! Having a mild disagreement every now and then is one thing but this so-called ‘hard work’ is rubbish.

nobody seem willing to actually work at a relationship

I have a job, I don't want my homelife to be work.

Ex and I still like each other, hence why its successful

I am constantly amazed at what some women will put up with before seeking help

Yeah, let's blame women.....

@claraschu you are supposed to work at a relationship yes - by keeping up communication etc but it shouldn't be hard work and 'stand by your man' philosophy is null and void where there is abuse or where all the work on the relationship is one-sided.

I know plenty of long relationships where there have been hard times but the hard times are when there is job loss, bereavement, ailing parents and the couple support EACH OTHER through it. That's different.

In those cases both partners are working to keep communication, comfort and support going. Not one partner having a shit time and the other calling them a selfish useless arsehole - and if anyone did stay with someone like that is that really anything to be proud of? like 'yay congrats on your long relationship as an emotional punchbag martyr who put herself last her whole life, woo go you!'

Often someone posting for help has been flogging a dead horse already for a long time. There's more to life and no one, male or female should put up with a shit, lazy, thoughtless, unfaithful and/or abusive partner.

I agree op. People are too willing to throw their marriages away these days, no one wants to work on their relationships.

Only on mumsnet would you see..

"My dh didn't pick me up from work today because he was caring for mil" LTB

" dh used the last bit of toilet roll" LTB

"I've come home and dh didn't put the washing on" LTB

no one wants to work on their relationships

Actually, what I see on Mumsnet is the opposite. What I see is women who have been 'working' to stay in a relationship with an abusive man, and often that man has manipulated the woman into the subservient role of her needing to do all the 'work'.

Often these woman have been downtrodden so long they can't see the terrible state they are in. Mumsnet provides a useful wake up call.

*I posted for advice on my suicidal husband and was told he is controlling and to LTB. What he actually needed was love and support and he’s doing much better now because of it.

Imagine if I’d have taken that posters advice.*

I posted in a similar vein, my DH had undiagnosed OCD that had gone from quirks to crazy. I got a tonne of the LTB, which is what I expected and what I did. He responded by getting the help he needed and we are back on track, have had 2 children, and everything has been great since.

I think the biggest thing this site gives you is validation that things aren't right and something needs to be done.

" dh used the last bit of toilet roll" LTB

That's a joke.

My dh didn't pick me up from work today because he was caring for mil LTB

More likely you would get a lot of replies asking what was wrong with the MIL. How far away does the OP work, why couldn't they get public transport / walk. Not sure why anyone would say LTB

dh used the last bit of toilet roll" LTB

Would be said as a joking response, no one would say LTB as a serious reply.

I've come home and dh didn't put the washing on" LTB

More detail would be asked for.

DH didn't put the washing on because he was playing video games all day, might provoke a LTB he's a man child.

DH didn't put the washing on because he was looking after 2 children under 5, would get a very different response.

Relationships need love compromise and give and take from both partners. It wont always be possible to have a 50/50 split on everything but as long as it balances out over the course of time then its ok.

@IceRebel you do realise I meant that all sarcastically don't you?

The point I was making is that LTB seems to be the answer for everything on those threads.

I agree to OP. Worse is the assumption for the poster is right and oh is wrong despite only one side of the story and not considering that there is more often a situation with two people with different perspectives rather than someone full right and the other fully wrong.

The 'work' that comes into a relationship is considering matters from the other's perspective, once gaining a better understanding and therefore better communication.

My OH would be deemed to be a serious abuser by mm standards. Then again, I probably would be too if he was the one posting.

The sense of entitlement at being understood and feelings respected whilst a complete lack of shoeing any willingness to try to the understand where the partner actions might be coming from is quite depressing.

It's no surprise there are so many divorces and separations soon after commitment where sadly children are already born.

Good relationships with our life partner should not be 'A LOT of hard work'.

Relationships with teenage children can be, but that's different. The parent is an adult and the teenager still a child, it's the adult's responsibility to do their best to help and support their child even if they're behaving badly.

In relationships with life partners BOTH are adults and need to act like adults. Too often one partner (often, but not always, a female one) is expected to do all the work, compromising, supporting, skivvying etc etc because that's what society teaches men and women that women are meant to do - WRONG.

toomuchtoolittle No, actually I ddn't realise. It's hard to convey sarcasm through text, and there were no indications that your post was sarcastic.

Spot on , @Clarashu. Anyone who thinks a sustained relationship is all moonlight and roses is destined for disappointment and a lonely old age.

I can't agree, I find the relationships section of mumsnet gives me the constant realisation of how far we have to go with equality and how low the standards are for men, especially family men.

Posters might say LTB a lot - but remember the OPs are posting because they're facing a problem, so there will be more negative stories. Most of them seem to be things I genuinely would leave a partner over. You may call me a quitter, but I feel life is too short to be in a relationship that is sucking my energy and causing me misery

I really think some people need to chill the f out. People on msnet aren't just suggesting people leave their partners willy nilly. They're offering advice on situations that 99% of the time aren't acceptable, offering opinions and assistance for something somebody believes they need help with. I'm really happy for you OP that you and your partner enjoy a happy and committed relationship and can get through tough times but that depends on what your tough times are?! If your partner spent Christmas with somebody else and repeatedly lied to you about you'd just say oh it was tough time and stay with him?! If your partner repeatedly insulted you and was negligent and selfish whilst you were pregnant with a child he wanted and then got close to another woman you're saying you wouldn't even consider leaving? Not even for a moment?! Or that other people would suggest it?!
I was 23 when I married my ex and we were married for over 4 years. This is to a guy that cheated on me repeatedly both before and after the wedding, who was constantly putting me down and insulting me, who acted like he didn't know why he was with me and yet I worked and worked to find the guy I fell in love with so much so that I lost myself and my entire personality. I left for that reason alone and still only at first asked for a separation to try and make him see. If I'd have had something like this back then i may have decided to leave a lot sooner because people would have helped me realise.
Whilst I do agree that there are a lot of relationships now that fall apart and leave children in the lurch, there are many other factors other than people saying LTB.

Good relationships with our life partner should not be 'A LOT of hard work'
Efforts doesn't have to be 'hard work', but expecting someone to be on exactly the same wavelength, agreeing with all our visions, principles, ambitions, ways of doing things etc... at all time is in my view very self-centered and controlling in its own way. Of course you can wait to meet the one in a million person who does agree on everything, but that could mean being alone for a long time.

It’s the demanding nature of some posters. There’s one poster who springs to mind, who seemingly is the boss of LTB.

He/she will post LTB then come back after the OP’s second update and ask if she’s left him yet. Why not? MN can’t help unless the OP leaves.

The LTB is also very one sided. As a pp said, they posted about their suicidal dp (I think I read that one, or atleast a very similar post a while ago), and it’s ‘ditch the cunt’. But a man could post ‘my wife has said/ done this severe thing to me’ and you’ll get ‘oh is she depressed, she needs support, what do you do around the house, you must have done something?

Efforts doesn't have to be 'hard work', but expecting someone to be on exactly the same wavelength, agreeing with all our visions, principles, ambitions, ways of doing things etc... at all time is in my view very self-centered and controlling in its own way. Of course you can wait to meet the one in a million person who does agree on everything, but that could mean being alone for a long time

I have literally never seen anyone promoting this as a model relationship. Have you ever seen how bad the relationships are that women are posting about in Relationships?

Isn’t it a shame how phrases are taken out of context and used to confirm a person’s own views. Nothing in this life is easy including marriage, and it takes give and take in both parties for it to work. I also notice a lot of comments that advise to apply for a divorce as soon as relationship breaks down, why? speaking from personal experience we waited till our lives and emotions had settled before divorce.

@RiverTam yes I think this too - it’s very easy to think/say/act in the heat and immediate aftermath of an argument or disagreement but once a little time has passed they seem very different.

I’ll just repeat agin for everyone - I’m not for one second suggesting that anyone should stay in a relationship they want out of or an abusive relationship. So anyone thinking that is WRONG! I think mumnetters are too quick to recommend something without knowing the full detail or considering a possible alternative side.

100% agree! Relationships can be extremely tricky at times and long term most will hit rough patches.
My dh lived with undiagnosed adhd for many years, if I'd written on here about how he was at times there would have been a chorus of ltb!!!
But I stuck by him, in my shoes he would have done the same for me because fundamentally I knew he was a good one and as his wife I wanted to help and support him.