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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage and surnames after divorce

110 replies

TheresaJay · 12/02/2019 20:00

Why would you keep your married name if you were divorced and had grown up kids? My sister is doing this just to wind up her ex husband and I think she’s being a bit childish. AIBU?

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 12/02/2019 20:02

Maybe she doesn't want the hassle of changing everything back. It's a pain in the arse changing it all in the first place without having to do it all again

NoParticularPattern · 12/02/2019 20:05

Well clearly yes she’s being childish if that’s her honest and only reason. But a lot of women would keep their surname the same as their children (even grown up ones!) or if they’ve been married for a long time then it’s just what they know. It’s enough hassle getting divorced in the first place never mind having to be bothered to change your name and explain to the nosy buggers who will inevitably ask why (this happened to a relative- went to the bank to change her surname upon divorce, ended up in a long conversation with the manager about weddings and all that jazz. Manager didn’t quite know where to look when she said “er, I’ve got divorced....”)

Original poster
TheresaJay · 12/02/2019 20:05

Yeh but it’s been a few years now and she’s openly said she’s only doing it to piss him off! I think revenge is to move on and forget, not dwell.

OP posts:
3out · 12/02/2019 20:05

Because, whether you like the ex or not, his surname has become part of her identity?
Does she use the name professionally, socially?
Maybe there will come a day that your sister doesn’t care what her ex thinks and doesn’t care about ensuring he’s annoyed by her, and then she might change her name to something else?

Abacab · 12/02/2019 20:06

How does keeping his surname wind him up? I mean, if he's in a state of perpetual fury over it and that makes her happy then each to their own. I just don't get why he'd be bothered?

KanielOutis · 12/02/2019 20:06

That surname is her name. It might have been her name for years. She has every right to use it.

3out · 12/02/2019 20:07

Well it would be nice if she could move on, but no one else can get her to that place unfortunately.

Original poster
TheresaJay · 12/02/2019 20:07

I’m not saying she has no right to use it, but it is his name not hers, she was born with a different name, that’s hers.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 12/02/2019 20:08

Why would you keep your married name if you were divorced and had grown up kids? My sister is doing this just to wind up her ex husband and I think she’s being a bit childish. AIBU?

If that’s the reason then yes, it’s childish.

There are any number of genuine reasons. I’ve built my business using my married name. I’m not changing it!

WhataLovelyPear · 12/02/2019 20:08

Maybe she's just saying that to wind you up? Or maybe she secretly wants to keep it but is too embarrassed to admit it.

Original poster
TheresaJay · 12/02/2019 20:08

I’m not sure he is that bothered really, but she thinks he is.

OP posts:
SpotlessMind · 12/02/2019 20:09

My ex SIL did this. She took my brother’s name when they married because she didn’t particularly like her maiden name and her married name was more unusual. When they divorced (no kids) she kept it for the same reason until she remarried. No one else’s business really, once she took the name it became hers to keep (and I say this as someone who kept their maiden name upon marriage which is also no one else’s business)

JacquesHammer · 12/02/2019 20:10

I’m not sure he is that bothered really

So why are you?

dementedpixie · 12/02/2019 20:11

It became her name when she changed it on marriage. She doesn't need to change it at all

alittlequinnie · 12/02/2019 20:11

I kept mine for 10 years (until I remarried) because I wanted to keep the same name as my daughter - felt like we were still a "family".

Original poster
TheresaJay · 12/02/2019 20:14

No she doesn’t have to change it but why would you keep it?? He’s her ex? Why would you want reminding every time you sign something or get a letter (just examples).

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 12/02/2019 20:14

Why would you want reminding every time you sign something or get a letter

It really doesn’t remind me. Don’t even think about it, it’s my name.

dementedpixie · 12/02/2019 20:15

But it's a lot of work to change it. If it doesnt bother him or her then why are you getting your knickers in a twist about it?

Original poster
TheresaJay · 12/02/2019 20:16

If there’s a professional reason that would be reason to keep it, she doesn’t have a professional reason to keep it.

OP posts:
Boobiliboobiliboo · 12/02/2019 20:17

I’m not saying she has no right to use it, but it is his name not hers, she was born with a different name, that’s hers.

Precisely why women changing their names on marriage is an idiotic and outdated idea.

Everyone should just keep their own names.

spanieleyes · 12/02/2019 20:17

Because I had my married name longer than my maiden name, it was the same name as my children, the name I was known as professionally, the name on my passport, bank account and everywhere else. I don't think my name was the only reminder of my marriage I had!

Original poster
TheresaJay · 12/02/2019 20:17

Haha not getting knickers in a twist, just a bit of a lighthearted conversation. It’s up to her but I think she’s being a bit silly.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 12/02/2019 20:17

She doesn't need a professional reason. It is now her name and she's entitled to keep it

cardibach · 12/02/2019 20:17

it is his name not hers, she was born with a different name, that’s hers We’ll, actually, Theresa she was born with another name that is her dad’s. Women’s names are a bit of a minefield.
If she’s just doing it to wind him up it’s a shame she can’t move on.
I’ve been divorced 21 years and DD is 23. I still use my married name. It’s just mine now. My ex and his wife don’t give a stuff.

lyralalala · 12/02/2019 20:17

It's not his name, it's her name. And it's her kids' name so that's probably why she keeps it.

If her kids are grown up it's not like it's only been her name for five minutes.