Marriage and surnames after divorce

[TheresaJay]

Why would you keep your married name if you were divorced and had grown up kids? My sister is doing this just to wind up her ex husband and I think she’s being a bit childish. AIBU?

I don’t understand keeping the name of someone you don’t like anymore either. Maybe just too much faff.
I’d give back the ring and the name. On principle.

Not the same as taking your fathers ( or mothers )name. You're 50% their genetic material. If he’s not then it just goes to show how ridiculous the whole name change thing is.
My son has my name. Not his fathers or my husbands.

"I think revenge is to move on and forget, not dwell." Is it your life? Your divorce? No.

Have you even been divorced?

"Why would you want reminding every time you sign something or get a letter (just examples)." This comment in particular suggests you haven't.

"she was born with a different name, that’s hers." Actually that was likely her (your?) fathers name.

Although to be honest I'm sceptical you're actually this woman's sister, I suspect you may be wife 2.

I still have ex's name as my name, I didn't want to change it in the immediate aftermath of the divorce as dd was very young and I wanted us to have the same name as each other. It's taboo to say but there IS still stigma over being an "unmarried mum" it's just less overt now.

It's also as pps have said an expensive (at a time when most women are really stuck financially anyway) pita to change!

In my case I also wouldn't want to go back to my fathers name as its a horrible name attached to someone & a time that I was really unhappy.

It's also the name that's on my professional & other qualifications and that most of my former employers & educational establishments know me by.

I was married only 10 years but had the name over 20 now.

As it happens my ex has remarried - and taken his 2nd wife's name cos he hated his (to him boring, he just aesthetically prefers her name and their kids have that name too)

You claim it doesn't bother you but it bothers you enough to have started a thread about it, whatever your genuine connection to the woman concerned, it's none of your business what name she chooses to go by.

@cuppycakey did you miss the bit about it being light hearted? Is that ok with you?

I’m not saying she has no right to use it, but it is his name not hers, she was born with a different name, that’s hers. No, @TheresaJay - since she married him it has been her name as well.

I kept my married name when I divorced the ex because it was what I'd been known by for years, socially and professionally, and the only people I was in contact with who knew me by my birth name were my family, not friends or colleagues. Whether it pissed off him or anyone else was irrelevant because it was my name and I chose to still use if for several years.

When I remarried, I reverted to my birth name as my wedding day gift to my dad who was very ill at the time. I had to pay to do it because it's not one of the 'recognised' naming choices on marriage. What we call ourselves is our decision and nothing to do with ex husbands or other relatives.

wow - judgey!

So she wants to keep her name, yes HER name, as she has been using it for a long time, its the same as her daughters...

My mum kept my dad's name. Still has it after being separated for about 13 years. She used her married name for longer than she used her maiden name, so it was her name.

Equally, a male friend of mine got divorced and his ex wife kept using "his" name. When he got remarried, him and his new wife chose a new name and both changed their names - then his teenage daughter did the same.

I don't see why a woman can take a new name but a man has to be defined by the one he was born with?

Argh, I hate that women's names are seen as being such temporary things!

'Why won't you take your husband's name, your name is only your father's name anyway'

Fast forward 15 years...

'Why are you still hanging on to your ex's name, it doesn't belong to you anymore'.

And another 'Argh'.

I've had my married name longer than my maiden name - if we were to get divorced I would continue with my married name as that is now a bigger part of me than the name I was born with. My sister did revert back to her maiden name but that was more to do with removing herself from the relationship rather than a 'name' issue

I have a friend who has been married for 11 years, yet still calls herself Mrs. Exhusbands name. She says she likes it as it is unusual.

Maybe she kept it because she knows it pisses you off, op.

I think revenge is to move on and forget, not dwell.

Yes, and other humans have different thoughts. If you take such exception to people who dwell on things though, why are you dwelling on this?

@Graphista - yes I’m divorced, no children. I changed my name before the divorce was finalised back to my maiden name. I didn’t have a professional reason to keep it or any children so no reason to keep it. I’m not wife 2, I’m who I said I am. This isn’t anymore than a lighthearted thread as I’m a little bored this evening.

I’m 35, my parents have been divorced since I was 7 but my mum still uses her married name (my dad’s name).
I am now married and have changed my name so we don’t have the same surname anymore but she wouldn’t never consider changing hers, it’s her name now

@TheresaJay
Her kids were born with the name, it’s theirs, her ex was born with it, it’s his, she was born with a different name, that’s hers, not his.

This is utter nonsense. Of course it's her name. And it's her choice, for whatever reason she chooses to keep it.

I've kept my married name for a variety of reasons, mainly due to my kids. But also, it IS my name and it feels that way and I won't be changing. It's my work name, name on all official documents and just ... my name. And there's no love lost between me & my exH but that doesn't come into it.

I’m not the same girl I was when I got married. I’ve grown into a different woman. This is my name now. I like it, it suits me and I’ve built a solid reputation on it.
I sometimes use my maiden name with the kids - it’s their name, and we are the maiden name family, but my name is me now.

Keeping a name doesn't imply emotional attachment to the exh. It usually just means you want the same name as your kids, like the name or CBA to change passports/professional documents.

I've kept my married name because it's been my name for very many years. We have a 7 yo DS. I have no intention of changing it, I like the name, it's fairly unusual and I like my DS and I to have the same surname. DS also has ASD and a few medical issues which means various appointments and having the same surname helps, frankly.

The fact it pisses OW off no end is also a bonus

Maybe she's being tongue in cheek when she says it's to piss him off, and maybe she's fed up explaining to people who don't get it, that it is her name!

I've been married and divorced twice.

The first time, I didn't change my name.

The second time, I did change my name because my first name was extremely popular for about 5 years in the 1960s when I was born, and my original surname was also very common. There was another girl in my class at school with the same name, and a woman at work with that name, and where I live now, in a small village, there is another woman with that name. When I got married to second husband there was another local woman with the same name as me - we never met but regularly paid each other's library fines - not a major problem. However, one time I went to the GP and had a confusing conversation with the doctor until I worked out that the notes he had in front of him weren't mine, but belonged to the other woman with the same name as me.

So I decided to take my husband's very uncommon surname to avoid future confusion. Initially, I kept my own name for work as I'd been there for years and didn't want the hassle of changing my name there. Left work, went back to uni for a career change and did so in my married name.

Have been divorced for about 10 years now and haven't changed my name back because 1. I can't be arsed with the hassle, 2. people would lose track of me professionally and 3. it is my name now!

That was your choice to change back to your maiden name though, just because your choice was different doesn't make hers wrong.

And there's a difference in your not having children and she has them too. You say they're adults now were they adults when she split from her ex? Still living at home?

It's not "his name", it's her name now. She doesn't have to change it. A name is just a name, it's not something that can be given or taken away by a man. If ex is bothered then he is free to change his name.

Wait, she isn’t your sister! She is the ex wife and you are the new girlfriend?

The children were teens when they split up. It was easy for me to change and harder for her, but her reason for hanging onto it isn’t good for her, she’s dwelling on the past.

I have my Ex’s surname still. I LOVE my name and hated my maiden name. It took me a long time to get rid of it and I don’t want it back! I have a DS with the same name as me (and his Dad) and that plays a small part but mostly it’s just because I like it so much. I don’t even think of it as being Ex’s name. And actually if I got married again to my DP I would like to still keep the name I have now. I think my DP might be a bit offended but it doesn’t have ANY bearing on my ex or him, I just prefer it to both my maiden name and my DPs name.

Moral of the story: women should keep their own names after marriage and should give their children their own surname (by itself or with the father's surname too). Then if they divorce they won't have this issue at all

However, if a woman has chosen to take her husband's surname and give that surname to her children, she can damn well keep it after divorce if she wants to.

Not a word of a lie have you just uttered, Emma.

Emma, I couldn’t wait to get rid of my fathers name as it was ugly but more importantly, my father was absent throughout my childhood so I have no loyalty to it.

If I were to get divorced, I would keep my married name as I prefer it and I share it with my children. I need no extra reason.