Marriage and surnames after divorce

[TheresaJay]

Why would you keep your married name if you were divorced and had grown up kids? My sister is doing this just to wind up her ex husband and I think she’s being a bit childish. AIBU?

I don't think I'd change my name back if I divorced. I've had my married name for longer than I had my maiden name so it feels like me. Maybe your sister also feels a bit that way even if she hasn't said so.

@JustTwoMoreSecs that's exactly what I thought..

I am baffled at this name-changing malarkey. I consider that I committed to one partner for life: that's a serious enough thing in itself without relinquishing my own identity into the bargain. My name is hugely important to me: it's who I am; it's the name all my publications are under and most importantly of all it's my last tacit connection with my family of origin, who nearly all died far too young. The patriarchal thing is another concern, but that matters to me too.

Others have different preferences. That isn't hurting me. If they want to sign their legal documents as Pennywise the Clown it's not affecting my life one iota. They are entitled to make their own choices for their own reasons, as I have.

OP it is her name! Why? Because there’s no marriage police to hand ‘the name’ back into as it certainly does not belong to her husband! You are legally allowed to have these names, they are yours to keep or to not use.
What about if she changed her babe by deedpoll? It would still be her names.

Babe? Name

I am divorced and went back to my maiden name now am remarried but have kept first husbands name at work the whole time.

I couldn’t give a shit if my ex cares or not.

I have my ex's surname still. I prefer it. Ruth Maiden name is someone I once was. I'm no longer that person.

Everytime I see a thread like this I am SO glad that I didn't change my name when I got married.
Will make things that bit less complicated if I ever get divorced!

I can't understand why any woman changes her name in this day and age.
I think the Spanish system is by far the best where a child gets 2 name and nobody ever changes it.

You sound a tad over-involved in something that is actually none of your business. I know a few couples who have divorced and the women have kept their married names. It's entirely up to them.

You keep insisting that it's lighthearted, doesn't sound it to me.

Wallis
"Emma, I couldn’t wait to get rid of my fathers name as it was ugly but more importantly, my father was absent throughout my childhood so I have no loyalty to it."
Yes, and that's exactly why your mother should have given you her own surname (the surname she was given at birth, that is, not your father's surname if she took it later). Then you would have had a surname from the person who raised you and would probably have been less keen to get rid of it.
Your reply to me is rather defensive ("I need no extra reason") given that I was actually affirming a woman's right to do exactly what you said you would do.

Dorothy
"I think the Spanish system is by far the best where a child gets 2 name and nobody ever changes it."
I completely agree, with the minor caveat that Spanish children are usually given both grandfather's surnames, and I think it would better if they got one surname from the paternal grandmother and one from the maternal grandmother. Having said that, their naming system is much better than the British (or French or many other) systems.

Darn I meant to write paternal grandfather

If it's not been said already.. Op you clearly have an irrational with your fiance's ex wife. There is no way you could be so invested in anyone else keeping a name.

If I'd known I was going to get divorced I would 100% have kept my maiden name & given it to the children.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing though so now I'm keeping his name.
No idea whether he cares - or whether the OW cares. If it pisses them off - bonus!!!

Honestly, I kept my ex husbands name due to laziness. I said initially it was so I would still have the same name as DD1, but she is married. I live with DP and have done so for longer than I was married to ExH, but, well, we wll get around to getting married one day and I will change it then!

I don't think it bothers anyone. Pretty sure Ex doesn't even give it a passing thought. He wanted me to pay for our very simple divorce though, even though he left me for the OW. I didn't want to, so every time I saw her I would say 'Oh, could you please pass this message on to my husband', he soon got the money together to pay for it! I didn't wind her up for the sake of it, it was a means to an end. OK, her being wound up was an added bonus at the time.

She can call herself what she likes. I’ve been divorced for 18 years and never went back to my maiden name simply because I prefer my current one. I’ve now been Ms marriedname for longer than I was Ms Birthname

You don’t have to pay to change your name.

You just tell the bank, the DVLA that you are now your maiden name.

It’s a myth that you have to change it back by deed poll.

I used my married name for several years after the divorce. Part of it was inertia. However, DD2 changed her surname and got a new birth certificate in that name at 16 (you can do that in Scotland without a deed poll) and then XH did something that really, really infuriated me and I decided I didn't want my name to be associated with him any longer. So I changed back to my maiden name. It wasn't that much hassle, but then I am in Scotland. I'm glad I did it.

dh and I have been married 23 years.. our Children are late teens early adults.. If we were to divorce I would 100% keep the name. I like it I prefer it to my birth name and additionally I am on a 5 year count down to have been this surname more than my birth name.. This is very much my name ...

My mother kept her married name after her and my dad divorced She lived with my stepdad with this name for the rest of her life (30 odd years) Was never a issue she simply liked that name more.

If you change your name when you get married then it becomes your name. It's not a name you are borrowing, it's your own to do what you like with.

My mum kept her name when her and my dad divorced. She used it until she remarried. It was easier than changing everything.
Why does it matter to you?

I kept mine. Children are tweens
a) want same surname as children (just in case there was a tiny chance of a holiday abroad needing passports).
b) I cba to change all the documentation and send off divorce certificate etc, even to paypal
c) I like it. My maiden name was a unusual gobfull. Always had to spell it out. Always had to repeat myself. Now I have a bog standard name and its wonderful and easy.

For me, my 'maiden name' was actually neither my Mum or Dad's family name - so it means nothing to me really.
I chose to change my name when I got married, my surname didn't mean anything, and I hoped we would have a family and I wanted to share the family name.
All great until my & XP split up, I have kept the name because I) I won't have a different name to DC and I) my 'maiden name' didn't reflect either my Mum or Dads surname so it isn't meaningful to me.

Maybe it's just a better name?

"You don’t have to pay to change your name." While in theory that's true the reality is you need ID documents in your legal name just to operate in the modern world - even if you're on benefits! And new driving licence, passport, issuing of educational certificates in the different name are not cheap!

You can't change your name with various agencies like banks without those documents.

And that's not even including postage and phone charges that you need to organise it all.

I’m not saying she has no right to use it, but it is his name not hers, she was born with a different name, that’s hers.

I read that even Elton John's mum called him Elton rather than Reg - even though their relationship was somewhat patchy whilst she was alive.

As long as it's not for fraudulent purposes, anybody can change their name to pretty much anything for any reason - and that then becomes 100% their own actual name.

Having said that, the cynical part of me does wonder if Angie Bowie, who was married to David for 10 years, had one child with him, who doesn't use the surname Bowie, and who has had two partners since their divorce - the current one for 25 years - would have kept that surname had David been David Smith the postman from Slough.

However, she has every right to do so - she didn't only 'borrow' it from him on their marriage, and she might well say that her own career and public profile was at its height when she happened to have that surname, so that's her professional surname as well as it also having been his. After all, he originally took the name from Jim Bowie and was never even married to him!