Marriage and surnames after divorce

[TheresaJay]

Why would you keep your married name if you were divorced and had grown up kids? My sister is doing this just to wind up her ex husband and I think she’s being a bit childish. AIBU?

My mum kept hers, and still has it, 18 years after their divorce - because she wanted to have the same name as us and we were still children at the time; because it had become her name too over the course their 10 year marriage and she liked it, had nicknames associated with it etc; it's a hassle to change it back; going back to her maiden name felt like a 'step backwards' in life; she preferred it to her maiden name; my dad didn't care either way.

The fact that it annoyed her ex-in-laws was a tiny bonus ;)

I don't understand why it baffles you so much?

It's not just his name though - when she took it, it became hers too. I don't like it when men (or second wives) think that the name is theirs to bestow or remove. If the ex husband was happy for his then wife to change her name to his, then he can't get moany when she decides to keep it for good!

We’ll, actually, Theresa she was born with another name that is her dad’s.

Born with a vagina? Congratulations. You’ll never truly own your name.

It's her name, why should she change it?

I am keeping ex's name while the kids are you g, but once they are older I plan to go back to my maiden name

Her kids were born with the name, it’s theirs, her ex was born with it, it’s his, she was born with a different name, that’s hers, not his.

Young

she was born with a different name, that’s hers, not his

And when she changed it, it became hers.

I have been divorced for 3.5yrs still use my married name as my passport doesn’t run out till 2021(I cannot be arsed spending money to change my name, would rather have another holiday instead of lining the passport office pockets)
I don’t talk to exh, unsure if he is concerned by this.

Our dcs both changed there surnames as they didn’t want to have his name - they asked my opinion first. I said it was up to them - both over 18 at this point and no longer in contact with exh.

Jeez, women have pressure to change their name upon marriage and then are judged if they don't change it when divorced.

No pressure or judgement on men I notice.

Just back off.

Her kids were born with the name, it’s theirs

But not if they are girls. They will marry a man with a name that is easier to pronounce, sounds nicer or they just like more.

The kids are girls, even if they do marry and take their husbands names they are taking that name, not born with it. Their born name is theirs.

At my ex father in law's funeral, was myself, my ex mother in law, , my ex and ex's second wife, my ex brother in law with his two ex wives and my ex sister in law, all with the same surname ( and that's without the next generation). it caused some consternation when we booked into the local hotel!

they are taking that name

So it becomes theirs. This isn’t a tricky concept.

Not sure if you're being deliberately obtuse or if you think that married women are all borrowing their husband's name and that their identity is merely a front for their One True Name, That Which Was Bestowed By the Patriarch...

I think your views are weird. Her name is hers because she chose it to be and changed it legally. So what if she doesn’t want to change it back after divorce. Maybe she just likes the sound of it better.

Men do not own or decide a woman’s name. She is choosing to keep hers the same as it was when she was married. If she is happy, good for her.

My mum kept hers just to piss off my dad, but he didn't care. She kept it for years until she remarried. She used to complain that my dad's new wife stole her name as they have the same initial too. I'm guessing she had some regret for divorcing him and chose to just be petty and annoying.

I kept mine after divorce purely because I couldn't be bothered to change everything back as it can get expensive. I already wasted money changing it after the marriage . It does irritate me that some things I can't get 'mrs' taken off and changed to 'ms' but the surname doesn't bother me.

This is absolutely baffling logic.

Unless you are saying women should never change their names?

Or is it that they are only honoured with ‘borrowing’ their husbands’ names?

I didn’t change my name at all upon marriage, but I 100% believe that as soon as a woman decided to change her name on marriage, it is HER name to do with as she likes. Why the hell shoukd she have to have a different name to her children, go through all the faff of changing it on bank details, at work, etc.

Also the clue is in the fact that no one can make her do it anyway, even if they were in a fury or begging her to or weirdly dismissive of her right to own it. Because guess what it is HER NAME NOW.

‘Ah sorry pet, I only LENT you my name for all the formative years of your life, now we’re done I’d like it back, it’s not really yours.’

Bonkers.

Also - if I wanted I could just... change my name legally to my OH's surname. We're not married, but then I'd have the same name as him and it'd be mine. And then if we ever do marry and subsequently divorce, by your logic then it's okay, because it was 'my' name and not 'his' that I took? It's a very common surname, so I could hardly be accused of infringing his intellectual property...

My husbands ex wife still uses his surname. They were only married for 5 years, but have been divorced for 18! She is a strange woman though, think obsessed Justin Bieber fan mentally. So once she got that surname, she wasn't giving up that bad boy! People that are still emotionally attached and want some sort of connection even after the break up seem to do this, even though they claim to absolutely hate their ex husbands! Makes no sense.

Or we could all just grow up and have one name that belongs to us throughout or lives.

I think it’s emotional attachment at the heart of it, why else would she think it pisses him off? She has a boyfriend, I wonder if they decide to marry if she’ll still keep it then?

I've kept my married name despite being divorced for a few years for a few reasons. I hated my birth surname, I've had this name for half my life, it's the name I'm known by professionally and it's my DS's name.

Ex-h has married again and him and new wife have no problem. If I married DP I probably would change my name to his but I don't think he would care either way.

I wouldn't just do it to spite my ex-h though.

I keep my XH name because

1. It's the same as my DC, adult or not.
2. I like it better than my maiden name.
3. I am too lazy to change it on eleventy billion documents
4. I am too stingy to pay to change it on passport etc.

That OK with you OP ?

I owukd not change my name back, because a. I wouldn't want a different name to my children, and b.because my maiden name was awful.