A splitting the bill AIBU

[JamHolyMoly]

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

Wow, yanbu.
I was all ready to say just split it, but that is beyond bonkers.
You didn't ruin the meal at all, he did.

I bet he ate his whole meal smirking to himself about how he was going to make you pay for his extras. What an absolute bellend.

Well done for sticking to your guns OP, it can be hard – especially with the pressure of him berating you and nobody sticking up for you. I reckon he was so rude because he KNEW he was being a complete anus and was getting defensive when you weren’t biting. The fact is people like your family enable that sort of entitled behaviour by wanting to keep the peace and so essentially approving of the piss taking – which is what those piss takers count on. It’s when people like you speak up and ruffle feathers that suddenly their polite façade slips. And I think it honestly speaks volumes that your family only brought it up afterwards, whereas if they were that offended why didn’t they confront you at the time?
Any reasonable person would support you, I’m sorry your family are so passive.

I am usually a split the bill evenly if you have to split it person but YANBU at all. Greedy bugger.

JamHolyMoly Tue 12-Feb-19 16:41:00
Snapped, we covered my SF's meal as a treat for him. But it wasn't his children who suggested it covering my SF- it was my dh's idea.

Of course they wouldn't, that would up the amount they'd have to pay. They're only interested in splitting it over as many people as possible.

I love a bill splitting thread as I love all the inevitable CF stories people post.

OP you are so far from BU. Absolute nonsense. Bill splitting is for when people have eaten / drank similar amounts and don't want to sit around working out their share to the penny. It is not for greedy CFers to have a cheap meal at the expense of other people.

Op, for the other couple with one kid, it made no real difference to them which way it was split, it was a couple of quid either way.

For the rest, the ones arguing you should have paid it, it can't be because they were afraid to go against him, because they are doing it now, after the fact. When he's not present.

The only reason I can think they would argue you should have paid it, is because they benefited financially. I genuinely can't think of another reason they would be calling you and saying you should have paid it and were happy for you to do so on the night.

Every single person there would have known you were being made to pay way more than your fair share.

Is your sister scared of your step brother reaction by any chance. This sounds like people trying to appease him and getting upset that he wasnt

You are not being unreasonable.

It's always the people who have had 3 courses and 2 bottles of wine that want to split the bill evenly.

I don't want to pay for your meal and I don't want you to pay for mine - this is not unreasonable.

If people start talking about splitting the bill I insist on giving the money for what I had and if they want to split it after that then that's up to them

My husband doesn't drink so it would work out very unfair if we split the bill every time. Nobody can tell me expecting someone else to pay for food and drink YOU ordered is reasonable.

It is almost invariably the person who stands to financially profit most from something like this who suggests splitting the bill evenly.

Funny how it’s always the people who have the most expensive meals who insist on splitting the bill.

Yes, it does always seem that way. One person orders a fortune worth of food/drink then whinges that other people don't want to chip in for their 20 quid cocktail;s and such..call those who want to pay roughly what they spent tight. When in reality, its the one suggesting a split when they know fine well this means others will be paying way more than they should..who is sponging/tight/whatever.

We don't split costs at all due to issues with DHs cousin and a couple of friends taking the piss in this way.

Also back when we did used to try and split without issues, I often ordered fillet steak or something while others had pizza, so I would always pay for my own, then add tips and whatever as its not fair (IMO) to expect others to chip in because I fancy a nice steak!

Of course they think you were being unfair as they didn't get to have a subsidised meal on you! You did the right thing though!

I am a bill splitter if the group have ball park similar food and drink happy to pay abit extra to avoid those awful “I had the soup but you had the salad” joy sucking conversations. But when there’s an obvious disparity like this or someone not drinking it’s mad not to take that into account

The thing is, OP, it wasn't you creating the scene, it was whoever decided to argue when you said you weren't happy to pay a split that included your DC. Which you might like to point out to anyone who's trying to make an issue of it.

They are all being ridiculous. May I ask how much each adult paid after the recalculation? I bet your SF' sons extras came to more than the £32 for the four children present. As a fellow guest I would have rather paid a share of the children's than subsidise a pain in the ass!

Fromdespair, despite this being my problem I have to say I am also enjoying the stories of other people's CFs. It's cheered me up no end

Normal if kuds are having childrens meals you split between adults regardless of number of children 1/2 or 3 etc

Anyone else says anything just ask if they woukd pay £120 for £24 of food. Nasty.

YANBU

This used to happen to me when I went out with colleagues for a meal.

Someone else would always order the most expensive items and the bill would be split evenly.

Typically, when I decided to have something expensive (I always ordered one of the least costly items) when it came to paying it was commented on that I'd had the most expensive so should pay for it separately, I calmly said that this was okay and that in the future each person would be paying for their own meals and drinks, to which they said I was being unreasonable......!!!!!

Sometimes you just can't win.

Omg no way are you being unreasonable. More like the rest of them are totally spineless! Well done for standing your ground. I've never heard anything so bloody ridiculous and I would definitely have done the same as you. If anyone had dared try to have a go trust me they would never ever try again!

The only reason that I can think of that your family are taking his side is because their bills increased from £40 to approx £55. There is no other reason for them to be as unreasonable as your tight ass step brother.

They should be ashamed of themselves for attempting to have you pay £120 for 3 kids meals.

SF's son sounds like a real CF.

It's never the people who spend a little more than everyone else that badger folks to split, it's always people who spend way way more.

We had this with BIL's exGF who was shocked that her cocktails and wine weren't just split between "everyone" when everyone included 6 kids. She bitched about it for weeks after.

Wow, that's some epic CFing going on there. Your sister is being an arse too.

I regularly go out with a group and often and due to dietary restrictions I don't eat as many courses, but I do drink so when they offered me to just cover mine I pointed out that as some hadn't drunk I wouldn't be losing too much if we split. We've all realised that some meals we subsidise and some we gain from depending on whether we drink or eat all the courses etc so just split now. But we'd never include a kids meal in a split.

@JamHolyMoly is there a wealth disparity in your family? You say there’s no previous form for this type of cheeky fuckery so I’m trying to fathom how any of them think it’s YOU that’s being unreasonable.

All I can come up with is a) you and your DH are wealthier than them so they assumed you’d be happy absorbing the extra cost or b) they’re all wealthier than you and DH and don’t see the bill difference as significant?

Either way, they’re all being dicks and you are being very VERY reasonable!

I bet the next time you go out with them,everyone will do what you did.

So essentially you were being asked to pay an extra £100 on top of an already unfairly split bill. He could fuck right off and when he gets there ... What a wanker.

I would have shown said individual up and said that you're happy to pay your share of bill, but on this occasion he was clearly expecting others to pay for his expensive meal and drinks and that he was a cheeky fucker. What is wrong with your mates that they didn't say anything? wouldn't be my mates for much longer i don't think!