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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A splitting the bill AIBU

602 replies

JamHolyMoly · 12/02/2019 14:44

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

OP posts:
ErictheGuineaPig · 12/02/2019 16:22

Well, you never know op, your little act of bravery might help change the dynamic. I bet there will have been adults there who would cheer you on if they'd have had the guts. I would play it super cool now and not let him turn this into A Thing. Show everyone that this dickhead can be challenged and the world doesn't cave in. Maybe next time someone else will stand up to him too.

At4oclockthenormalworld · 12/02/2019 16:25

Slight derail but I've recently discovered that when we've eaten out with DH family is the past my BIL had a Trick whereby he waited till everyone had put their cash plus share of tip on a tray then deducted tip total from what they owe before adding their significantly reduced share of the bill Angry. Hence I now loudly suggest "Shall we work our roughly what we owe then pop tip in tray when it's all settled?". Cheeky cheeky F**##r!

AryaStarkWolf · 12/02/2019 16:27

There were four children though, how did the parent of the other one feel about it?

I doubt they were but I guess it's easier to get over paying £32 too much than £96

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 12/02/2019 16:28

This is outrageous!

If I’ve even had so much as an extra glass of wine at dinner I’ll always offer to put in more money to cover it. If people insist on splitting then that’s lovely but should never be expected.

I cannot fathom what goes through the mind of people like this, who deliberately order the most expensive options then think nothing of demanding that everyone else subsidise it.

And as for including kids as if they were booze-drinking adults... that is so wrong that I feel like your restaurant must have been in some kind of parallel universe for anyone to even think for a second that it was ok!

RedTulip86 · 12/02/2019 16:28

Applause to you OP, unbelievable CF’s and their freeloading entitlement.

untoldstories · 12/02/2019 16:28

This is why I hate bill splitting.
There's always some bastard who has the expensive stuff and slugs all the wine and orders cocktails and everyone else has to pay for it.

Fuck him, you WNBU.

cstaff · 12/02/2019 16:31

OMG he wins the monthly prize for the biggest CG on here... £120 for three kids meals (or to cover his big greedy gob more like).

AryaStarkWolf · 12/02/2019 16:31

7 pages in and I don't think a single person has said you're unreasonable, good going :p

cstaff · 12/02/2019 16:31

CG obviousl

cstaff · 12/02/2019 16:31

CF I just can't type CF today

Greyhound22 · 12/02/2019 16:32

No you were totally right.

I'm fairly laid back about splitting bills - I can never manage three courses and will only have one drink - but there comes a point you have to speak up.

I remember going out for a curry once. I had driven and picked people up. My meal and drink came to about £12. They were knocking back bottles of wine and ordering sides here there and everywhere. Then they said 'that's £35 each'. I still cringe to think about it now but I said I wasn't paying it. It was very un-me but surely people can see how unfair that is?

Justkeeprollingalong · 12/02/2019 16:32

The only completely unanimous thread I've ever read! Well done OP! 🥇

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 12/02/2019 16:34

I hate that when the nice, reasonable people are expected to give in to the biggest arsehole present so as not to cause a fuss.

"Dear everyone. I can't believe that you all think it's fair and reasonable for our children (who ate £8 worth each) to subsidise the frankly massive amount that some of the adults ate and drank. What I think is happening here is that because I am a nice person you want me to submit to unfairness so as not to upset the most demanding person present. I am considering solving this issue in my favour by becoming the most demanding drama llama in the family if I hear even one more word on the matter."

icannotremember · 12/02/2019 16:34

Yanbu at all, and anyone who thinks you are would go on my Total Wanker list. As if you should pay £120 for three children's meals to subsidise a greedy twat! People who accuse you of meanness are likely grubby freeloaders themselves. I cannot stand people like that. Good on you for not taking his shit.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 12/02/2019 16:35

YADNBU

loving the amazing maths of @bluntness100 by the way

GottenGottenGotten · 12/02/2019 16:35

YABU

Clearly.

I can't believe the pandering that is going on here. I mean, for the sake of only about £70 you spoiled the entire evening for the rest of the family. Outrageous and utterly selfish.

(OK, not really, yadnbu. At all. But this thread is just too nice for aibu!)

Iloveacurry · 12/02/2019 16:36

Fuck that, no you’re not being unreasonable.

They’re being unreasonable expecting you to pay £120 for the kids meals.

Original poster
JamHolyMoly · 12/02/2019 16:36

Tortoise, in the end we took all 4 kids off the bill and split the remaining bill between all the adults (not including SF as we paid for his meal). Then we added the £24 for our children's meals onto the amount we owed. So the good thing was that we didn't pay the £200 in the end but now I'm dealing with the fallout from certain family members. I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll get the low down from my mum as I'm seeing her. She seems normal over text so maybe it's everyone else fighting a corner that doesn't need to be fought.

My sister says I was unfair as she felt I should have kept the peace and paid the amount rather than "making a scene". I asked her whether she would have been happy paying £120 for a £24 meal and she said "that's beside the point" and wouldn't answer the question. Then my dh got involved and it got a bit heated because she would never over pay by that much and we told her so. We'll be fine but I am upset that she would rather see us out of pocket rather than speak up and say how unfair it was.

OP posts:
Charron · 12/02/2019 16:37

Funny how it’s always the people who have the most expensive meals who insist on splitting the bill.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 12/02/2019 16:38

I asked her whether she would have been happy paying £120 for a £24 meal and she said "that's beside the point

Classic deflection tactic there of someone who knows she’s in the wrong.

Sorry your family are being bellends about this OP.

Delatron · 12/02/2019 16:40

Your sister should be supporting you. It’s easy for her to say if she hasn’t any children, everyone else will be paying £40-£80, you’re the mugs who were expected to
pay £200!! Of course you shouldn’t pay £40 per child. X3!! Ridiculous.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/02/2019 16:40

At4oclockthenormalworld

I used to be a restaurant manager and this is the oldest trick in the book, happens loads.

My favourite (and I have told this before) was when Billy Big Bollocks came in with a load of family (I think he was a son in law of the hosts), they used to come in two or three times a year and he always made a big show of collecting up everyones share and taking it to the bar to pay to "save the staff the bother". He always used to pay his share out of the tips given to us and pocketed any change.

One time he did this and my colleague decided she had had enough. She took 20p and put it on a plate with the receipt. She went to the opposite end of the table to Billy and said "You forgot your change". He waved her away and said "Oh thats for you!" She said "No thank you" with as much dignity as I have ever seen, and put it down with the receipt. Absolute mayhem ensued! Once they realised what he had done, they asked if we had received a tip, they made him pay up for his meal and our tip and an awful lot of money for the all the tips he had pinched on their previous visits. They came back again but he didnt :o

Original poster
JamHolyMoly · 12/02/2019 16:41

Snapped, we covered my SF's meal as a treat for him. But it wasn't his children who suggested it covering my SF- it was my dh's idea.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 12/02/2019 16:41

Funny how it’s always the people who have the most expensive meals who insist on splitting the bill.

To be fair, I always lean towards paying individually (but approximately), because I am a) a greedy fucker and b) have expensive tastes.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/02/2019 16:43

I asked her whether she would have been happy paying £120 for a £24 meal and she said "that's beside the point

No it's exactly the bloody point!

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