A splitting the bill AIBU

[JamHolyMoly]

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

you are definitely not being unreasonable! Some people are so cheeky.

I cannot Love that! I now have a Total Wanker list. It's filling up v quickly

Pyong that's brilliant! I'd have loved that to happen to BIL! Unfortunately no one on that side "likes to make a scene " so he got away with it for quite a while.

YADNBU
As the children's meals were so minimal if I were doing the dividing I would leave all children out of the equation completely. The alternative would be to each work out one's own or parents to put money on the kitty for the children first and take that off the total. The way this was done is plainly unfair and anyone would have an issue with it. I'm with the majority above in being happy to pay a share of the total whether or not I've had pudding or an extra glass of wine but the CF's calculations are not the done thing in anyone's world.

It’s always the greedy fuckers who want to split the bill like this.

You were totally in the right OP!

I once had a similar thing. I met with a friend (A) her new boyfriend (NB) & another friend (B).
We went to a really nice place which had a set menu for 2 or 3 courses.
A & NB were there first & had had £15 cocktails each.
I ordered 3 courses, as did A & NB. We ordered a reasonably expensive bottle of wine to share between the three of us. CF NB glugged most of it. Friend B just had two courses & drank water.

Surprise, surprise when the bill came NB just tried to pay for quarter of it. He seemed quite affronted when I suggest we just pay for what we actually had & add on a bit for a tip. It really made me instantly dislike him. And I could tell A was embarrassed.

Among our friendship group we all have various budgets so tend to split the bill roughly according to what people have had, plus a bit for tip. Unless it's pretty even then I'm happy to give or take a fiver or so.

I find it's always the CF who has eaten & drunk the most who tries to bandy around words like "tight" in these situations.
No, you're the tight fucker expecting everyone else to pay your way

I'm glad I got that off my chest A & NB have split up now luckily!

The son is a very dominant person who likes to hold court and he thinks his opinions mean more than everyone else's

Yes, that's very obvious The only tiny point I'd add is that, if you knew he had form for this sort of thing, it might have been worth saying you'd pay for the DCs separately before the meal

Not that this makes it your fault in any way, of course ... and anyway you might not have known, since you said you haven't eaten out with him before

Who the hell are these people? It is inconceivable that one person would think that was fair so how numerous others are backing him up is beyond me. If anything, he is a double CF as polite family etiquette is to simply split the cost of the children’s meals amongst the adults. I can’t believe your mother didn’t even stand up for you.

You can ignore all the drama safe in the knowledge you are 100% right and they are all insane.

@CandleWithHair, that was going to be my question to OP. I have it, sometimes with both sides of the famil, although I would suggest my family not even think to say anything if I decide I don't want to be generous. Contrary to popular belief, I don't have it like that.

Sorry, they're not your mates! Some family

Fuck that. If me and DH had consumed twenty quids worth (each,) and my 2 kids had consumed a tenners worth each, (so £60 in all,) and we were asked for £80, I would be OK with that. But an extra HUNDRED QUID? Fuck off.

Someone is taking the piss, and this would be the last time I would EVER go out with these people @JamHolyPoly.

YANBU obvs!

Candle, the step brother is wealthier than everyone else but not massively so. He's more likely to flash the cash however.

Just love how CFs like spending everyone else's money.
You did the right thing. I'm so sorry no one else supported you at the time, but great that your DH is fully behind you.

When we went out as a family group we asked for two bills , one for children and one for adults, it's was never a problem as the children all sat together and we would tell the restaurant beforehand. However as the children get older and move on to the 'adult' menu , it does become more difficult, but we would never split alcohol costs onto the children's meal cost. to you for calling out a CF

Totally sympathise.
I too want to have separate bills when going out.
Last time the restaurant refused so I ended up paying £60 for fish and chips!

YADNBU. You're giving me flashbacks to a (now infamous) meal among about 20 friends where the ordering varied wildly (some only drinking, some only eating, some hitting the bottle hard) where I was left to sort the bill, the tantrums and the fallout.

Since then, my husband and I have always set up separate tabs for ourselves at group meals. We used to buy drinks on the way to the table then say breezily 'oh, we've already got a tab' and be careful to order on that. Having kids made it easier to say 'we'll sort our own tab because the kids' menu is different'. I think this approach has saved friendships (and possibly lives!!!)

Puzzled, unfortunately I knew already he was a dick but didn't realise he was also a CF tightwad as well. I know better now. No more meals out with him that's for sure.

I knew already he was a dick but didn't realise he was also a CF tightwad as well

Totally understandable ... the two often go together but not always, and actually it was nice of you to have given him the benefit of the doubt

Don't blame you for avoiding any future meals with him though

He's wealthier than everyone else because he does not pay his way and lives off everyone.

You did the right thing.
(I tend to pay for the whole family -often 9 so that in a sense solves the problem!!!!!)

Bloody hell - being made to pay almost £100 extra for your kids meals is insane.

You were entirely reasonable

That's crazy!
Well done for standing your ground.

Years ago we were out with a cf who ordered expensive things. A lot of us were burnt as a result.
Second time out with the same person, I declared at the start I wanted a separate bill. The two bills arrived and Cf still wanted me to chip in saying the bottle of wine was included in the main bill and a heated discussion started.
The waiter comes along and apologises saying that I had been inadvertently included in the booze bill. Cf was enraged so the waiter came back a few minutes later and presented everyone with their own bill. It was awesome watching the cf going several shades of red when people paid their own. 4 courses, several expensive spirits, coffee, and a bar bill as he was the first to arrive. Had he gotten his way the rest of the group would have paid around £40 more. Might not be a lot to some, but it is when you've only spent around £15. He got a huge tip that night from the rest of us.

Oddly enough, the cf expensive tastes seem to have disappeared now the rest of us are no longer paying. Strange that. Although weeks later he was out with a mutual mate and another group and in the same restaurant. A mutual friend had already decided to ask for a separate bill. Of course, the waiter remembered the cf and at the beginning, he took the orders and before he went he asked them if they were sure they wanted one bill as it wouldn't be fair to subsidise expenses tastes. A few quickly realised they would be burnt and asked for separate bills, cf quickly changed his ordered when he realised he'd been rumbled

Sounds like he has form for bulldozing bill splitting in this way and it has always worked in the past as objecting can, as you found out, cause bad feeling so people look away and shut down and then pay up!

I have no problem bill splitting with friends / family but I would never expect friends / family to pay so much for a child's meal just like I'd always take into account someone who drank nothing or was on a tight budget and ate sparingly.

It isn't hard maths to work out a bill split between the adults in your party the add on the £8 for each child to each appropriate adult.

We always just split by adults so if you are one adult and 2 (children's menu) kids you pay one share, whereas we pay 4 share s as our our kids eat adult portions and drink more booze than me! Has the added advantage of helping those with the little kids who are likely to have less money (we also always pay for the grandparents)

I'm still flabbergasted at your own sister saying that you should pay £120 for £24 worth of children's meals "to keep the peace". That's not a peace worth keeping is it?
I hope you get the chance to give your mum the full story, so she can see exactly what the sums involved are before all your relatives fudge the issue to their liking. and remind her that it was your DH who suggested everyone pay for SF meal. And also remind her that CF was trying to push this through without consulting your husband, whilst he was away so that you could be more easily pushed into this. Well done for standing your ground! Shrug off the bad comments, it may be temporariy unpleasant but at least you have demonstrated that they cannot push you around like that.