A splitting the bill AIBU

[JamHolyMoly]

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

YANBU

But when you asked your sister if she’d be happy to pay £120 for £24 worth of meals she said that was beside the point and that you should have done it to keep the peace. Surely she should have been shocked and said “Mum said it was £16 you were quibbling over” instead of continuing to berate you? Your SF should also have spoken up ages ago. I hope your sister and aunt both have the true version of events now and apologise to you.

Well on the bright side if you do go out with them again don’t worry about forgetting your purse and do some dodgy maths of your own lol

A recent phenomenon which really winds me up is when people everyone puts in a bit extra for the tip and then the last person to pay (if they’re a CF) will wave their card at the waiter and say ‘oh I’ll just pay whatever’s left’. Meaning they get a cheap meal and the waiter gets no tip. This happened to me recently with a friend’s new boyfriend and I was furious afterwards!

I only split if we all had roughly the same.

But the thing that gets me is the non drinkers.Sometimes their coke,juice is as nearly the same price as tbe alcohol.

Yes, that usually happens to me too dustarr where the price of my one Diet Coke is the same as a bottle of proscecco and 3 French martinis, said no one ever

That is shocking that no one else said oh yes of course you shouldn't be counting the kids in and splitting it out evenly that is disproportionate to the cost of the kids meals.

Bad enough u had to pay a share of the expensive meal of someone else and many drinks but how cld anyone expect u to pay £120 for 3 kids meals.

I wld be really annoyed at all of them, more so the person who caused it all and the ones saying u ruined it. I wldnt be able to bite my tongue on that. I think I'd end up falling out with them. Wld seriously make my blood boil.

U sound like u handled it well.

I'd also like to know where I can get a glass of wine for the price of a coke please, because I hate paying more for a small glass in a restaurant than the entire bottle costs in the supermarket.

lisasimpsonssaxophone I hate meanness and that is totally mean. I once had a now ex-friend renowned for never paying for anything, she would always go to the Ladies just before it was her round etc. We went to a cafe and she refused to split the bill because my share came to 24p more than her's!

Children are never counted as 'heads' when splitting the bill. They cost half as much as adults and don't drink alcohol. You take the skids meals off and then divide the rest. I'm sorry that you got shafted and no one backed you up. They sound like arseholes

Strictly speaking you were not unreasonable but I would have just split the bill, makes life easier.

Good on you for standing up to them. No way was that right. To be honest, when we go out, we state that we ask for a separate bill. We don't drink and there have been too many times that we paid 3x our food bill for all the alcohol flowing. I know this goes against the spirit but we can't afford that. Stand your ground. good to speak up and not get trampled.

If everyone else had stood up for you when you were so clearly in the right then the night wouldn't have been 'ruined'.
Hateful, thoughtless people - and as for the hard drinking, hard eating idiot I reckon we all know someone like that. As a Diet Coke drinker I tolerate only so much, but then do speak up, but I don't believe I have EVER not contributed to other meals and drinks during such evenings. However, nobody has ever taken the piss to the extent your 'friend' did - which is probably why they grabbed the bill and had their calculator app open and ready!
Not only are YNBU, but you're also sticking up for all those who are put upon and robbed by selfish bastards!
Thank you!

I like a drink or 3, and sometimes I like to order the expensive nice food option rather than the cheap chips meal. So I much prefer it when the arrangement is that everybody pays for what they’ve had. I feel awkward if people are subbing me and I don’t want to curtail my choice for fear of being seen as entitled. YADDNBU OP. SF is a CF.

I'd say you were well within your rights and should stand your ground. There is no way I would've stumped up for a greedy piss-head either - what a CF, how dare they try to inflate the cost of your children's meals to cover the cost of their expensive and excessive choices. I would've called them out on it and told them not to order such items unless they intended to pay for them. Don't let other family members brow-beat you on this - you were more than reasonable. If you order above average items it is only polite to point this out when the bill arrives and put the extra in. I might've been tempted to slap CF with a lobster or whatever they had, lol!

Omg, you did exactly the right thing. How could any reasonable person expect anything else? Well done for having the courage to stand your ground and refusing to be taken for a ride.

How can anyone there have expected you to pay £120 for 3 kids meals that totalled £24? Totally insane. I’d have been so pissed off if you’d said you’d just sucked it up and payed the £120, as that would have been a terrible injustice.

YADNBU not splitting the bill. Why did your SF not step in and and tell his DS he
WBU splitting the bill that way? OK your DM misunderstood but others understood perfectly and said nothing? 😡

SilverySurfer I know. It wasn’t even an honest mistake either. He just kept saying ‘how much do I owe then?’ and even though we repeatedly said ‘you need to pay £25 because we all added a tip’ he pretended not to understand and asked the waitress to just take whatever was left on the bill.

Asking other people to tell you what you owe is annoying anyway, surely you have at least some idea of what you ate (enough to know that it definitely should be more than £10 worth)

Basically people just need to have a bit of awareness of what’s going on around them!

@Bluerussian - Did your father recently retire and celebrate it with a family meal....?

SingleDaddio you have nothing to apologise for. It's helpful to know if a poster is male before answering them and it is nothing to do with the male poster thinking their opinion is all that matters . IMO.

Presumably the reason your sister though paying £120 for £24 of kids meals was “besides the point” was because she thought the whole argument was over £16 OP.

Your family have got their wires well and truly crossed but at least you know now why they thought you were overreacting. I think you should put your aunt and sister right with the actual facts.

Obviously yanbu at all but I’m shocked your mum thinks that you should be subbing CF manchild by £16 too.

Madness!

Mardibras what a CF he was!! Sounds like your friend had a lucky escape!

Webuiltthisbuffet I was thinking the same.

OP, I wonder if your sister wasn’t listening properly when you spoke about paying £120 and then, after the conversation, she thought back and realised what you had actually said.

I never understand this, you were most definitely not being unreasonable!

In our family, we understand that we've all got different financial situations and would spend at celebration what we can afford! If we're skint and just want one cheaper main course and a soft drink, then that's what we will have and pay for, and if BIL wants to have a starter, steak, dessert and two glasses of wine, then that's what he pays for! None of us would ever dream of having the rest supplement our expensive tastes! I've heard people say if you can't afford to split a bill then you shouldn't go to the meal but for us it's about spending that time together and we'd all only spend within our own means.