A splitting the bill AIBU

[JamHolyMoly]

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

Here be the rules:

1. If you order £30 steak when everyone else is having a £15 pizza, you immediately say ‘mine was more expensive so I’ll put in more’ when the bill comes. The other diners may insist that it’s fine but that is up to them, not you.

2. If you had the most expensive meal you should never be the one to say ‘shall we just split it?’ This is only acceptable if you know that everyone had a similar amount of food/drink, or if you know that yourself had the least expensive meal but are happy to offer to just split.

3. If someone didn’t drink alcohol and the rest did, then the rest of the group should take note of that and offer to reduce that person’s share accordingly. That person may choose to accept the offer or, again, may insist that they don’t mind splitting, but it is their decision not yours.

4. If someone asks to pay only their share, then this should be agreed without question. However...

5. Quibbling over the bill because your pizza was 50p less than everyone else’s, or because you’re sure your neighbour got slightly more out of the bottle of wine than you did, makes you look like a dick. Don’t do that.

6. Only go out for dinner with people you actually like and much of the above will just magically resolve itself.

bangs gavel

Your SF’s son is a massive arse. YANBU at all. Why I don’t go out for meals with anyone except my DP and kids. I really want to know what happens next though.....

I think with large gathering at a restaurant, if you:

• Don't drink
• Don't eat much
• Are on a budget

You must speak up before the meal starts and say you will only pay for what you have or arrange with the restaurant quietly in advance that you need your own bill. It might seem unfair but it is best to get this out of the way before the evening starts. Many of the threads you see on MN about bill splitting dramas are because people were not clear in advance.

In this case you'd think it was bloody obvious, but there is always a lobster eating, brandy drinking CF there to take advantage if you don't.

Agree entirely with lisasimpsonssaxophone those are the rules I go by. And would add if you have 3 children (I do am not referring to OP) you don't expect to split the bill with families with fewer children.

I literally could not believe the cheek of the original situation especially the fact that no one else seemed to speak up at the time.

I’d have thought it was obvious that an £8 in kids’ meal doesn’t magically get a £40 family price tag.
Also astonished at your family...

No, you were completely right. Children shouldn't factor into the splitting of cost per head.

I've taken a hit sometimes as I don't eat too much and I never drink alcohol, but have put my foot down when there's a lot of drink to split.

I'm surprised they contacted you to say you spoiled the evening. I don't see why a reasonable person wouldn't say 'of course you shouldn't have to pay £120 for kids meals, let me rework that'. It makes no sense.

YANBU. If someone ordered an expensive option, they should pay more. I am surprised your mum didn't pay for everything.

I'd love to dine with the CF again; but I would have a quiet word with the waiter at the very start asking to be billed separately.

Children shouldn't factor in splitting of bills in this scenario, but I did get annoyed when away with friends and their cosmopolitan DCs were tucking into adult portions of moules and frites with cans of coke whilst DS ate the childrens menu with lunch. Friends DH seemed surprised when I split bill based on what folks had rather than by family ( we have one DC to their two so always paying a bit more - fine when it's just an extra childs meal, but not when it's adult prices)

We are a large group of friends who go out on occasions such as big birthdays etc and have done for about fifteen years.
Last occasion one of our group brought a friend, so an unknown quantity in the bill splitting scenario. We have always just split the bill as all similar amount eaten and drinks similar so never been an issue. We always cover the cost of the birthday girl/boy between us.
Anyway we all made this chap welcome and he seemed nice enough in the pub beforehand etc
When we sat down in the restaurant he'd already got a pint at the bar and proceeded throughout the meal to grab the waiter everytime he passed and ordered another pint. Totted up six pints, rest of us had a maximum of two drinks each. He also had a starter and a dessert, the only one to have three courses.
It ended up being £40 each and we threw in a couple of quid each for a tip.
No one said anything, but some of us sat there stewing as our split usually comes to no more than 25 each plus tip. So as a couple we paid £30 more than usual but had more or less same always.
I and most of the others have since said it won't be happening again and we will make sure it doesn't.

YANBU! That’s outrageous!

same as always

YANBU you did the right thing

Sorry. Been putting kids to bed. Right, so I’ve seen my mum and I’m a bit clearer now although still confused in other areas. So to cut the story short, as soon as I brought the topic up she immediately said she felt bad about what had happened at the restaurant and about not speaking up for me. Apparently, she’d misunderstood the situation and after the meal had spoken to both my aunt and sister about it but had passed on the misunderstood information.

So her version of events is that she thought the step-son had split the bill and had asked us to pay £40 per head for myself, dh and our eldest dc (who is 6 and ate an £8 child meal). This would then have cancelled out the other two children who would have been absorbed into this £40 to cover the eldest. She knew I would still have been paying over the odds for the meal but couldn’t see why I was refusing as it would have only been £16 extra so nothing in the grand scheme of things. She thought I was being petty and she felt embarrassed making a stand in front of SF’s family over £16.

It wasn’t until my sister contacted her, after speaking to me, and asked her whether she realised that step-son had asked us to pay £40 for each child that the penny started dropping and she began to realise that she may have misunderstood. She spoke to my SF who confirmed we’d been asked to pay £120 for the kids. Then she felt bad because she realised she’d been moaning to my sister and aunt with only half the story (although I don’t believe she’s corrected either of them yet). My SF apparently knew all this but didn’t bother to mention it to my mum until she asked. But rest assured everybody, because according to my mum, SF’s not annoyed at all with me!!! How big of him. He could have nipped this in the bud days ago but didn’t because he “forgot”.

It so we know that this is an opinion that really matters
I actually laughed out loud at this!

Lol I would have gone "ok here's the £80 for me and hubby, and the £28 for all the kids together"

If they argue then you have already clearly stated how little the kids were and can come back with a "you can't possibly have included the kids when they only ate £8 worth of food each... That's just silly. How much is it really going to be per adult"

I think your mum is a bit to blame here too then. She should be correcting the misunderstanding she caused. Also, being asked to overpay by £26 by the person who wanted to be subsidised would still be a cheek!

So it was your Mum who was moaning about you to sister/aunt as she thought you were quibbling over £16. Then they sent you messages? I hope she has corrected them and defended you now! And SF knew the correct version but didn’t bother to correct anybody or listen to you?!

He would have been wearing the bloody food for even having the audacity to try and embarrass me! Cheeky fucker!

SF ‘forgot’ because he knows his DS is a CF, and wanted you to look unreasonable/bad and not him.

I hope your mum puts the rest of the family right on what the CF was trying to pull off.

*@SingleDaddio

@BollocksToBrexit

^I never understand why so many men seem to preface their message with 'I am a man'.

It so we know that this is an opinion that really matters^

I read this differently. Given the sentence that followed (about being on here to learn), I read it more as a slightly clumsy but well-meaning attempt by SingleDaddio to say "I'm a man so apologies for intruding on mumsnet, but here is what I think, in case it's helpful".

Well sDad conveniently forgot because he's so embarrassed about his CF son!!!

That’s indeed big of your sf

As it stands I don't believe she's corrected either sister or auntie yet. I am also confused why people (SF for example) didn't stand up for me even when they could see it was unfair and they knew correctly what was going on. My SF is vague at times and not always that with it but even he must have seen the unfairness of the split. He's usually a really lovely man so I'm confused at his actions (or lack of action) in this whole thing.

I do blame my mum for how it's blown up because she should have just spoken to me in the first place rather than moaning to sister and auntie. Instead she's passed on wrong information which could have caused a major rift between me and my sister and ultimately an even bigger rift in the family.

Anyway, so there you go.