A splitting the bill AIBU

[JamHolyMoly]

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

But rest assured everybody, because according to my mum, SF’s not annoyed at all with me!!!

Oh my goodness!! I can't believe that's what your mum chose to focus on in all this! Your SF should be annoyed with his CF son!!

SF probably wanted to stay out of a row between his son and step-daughter. Which is kind of understandable even if his son was being a douche.

Maybe DSis thought you were quibbling about paying £120 in total, so 3 people (incl oldest DC), rather than £200 total or £120 just for kids? So she thought the difference of £16 when you were talking about a difference of £96.

Bluerussian

Strictly speaking you were not unreasonable but I would have just split the bill, makes life easier.

_

who can afford to pay an extra £96 just to keep the peace???

who can afford to pay an extra £96 just to keep the peace???

Especially with a relative that’s cheeky enough to pull the same stunt at future events.

Cheeky bastards.

So you are supposed to subsidise the others? Outrageous. If the tables were turned would they pay??

I never do that anymore. I just pay for my drinks separately and ask the restaurant for the food bill also seperately. So when the check comes you have already paid.

Not a chance would I have kept quiet at being asked to pay way over the odds like that. And I wouldn't have sat quietly and let some poor bastard be railroaded into it either. Shame on the rest of the group.

So if I understand correctly.... your mother was complaining about you not wanting to chip in more than everyone else to subsidise a meal where in particular once person consumed a lot more than others but wanted to pay the same as everyone else..... hmmm, does she really not see the issue with this?

Sorry but from what I read the only people who are happy to split evenly are either the ones with so much money that a meal out is like mere pocket change to them or the ones who spend way more than others and then take advantage of it being 'bad manners' to argue the bill..... they are the ones with bad manners and more people should stand up to them, bet their greedy over consumption would stop pretty darn quickly if they actually had to pay for it! CF's!

I do hope your mum sets the record straight now.

Bit of an odd update, I don't for one moment believe your mother and her partner didn't discuss this, ie on the way home or in bed that night, and if they did he didn't correct her, that would be very odd indeed, particularly as he is being so open he knew.

I geneuinelu think you're mothers just trying to justify her behaviour, which has been less than pleasant. She clearly thought you should have just paid it and shut up, irrelevant of how much more it was. Her comment of not to worry your step fathers not angry with you, indicates that to be the case.

To be honest I think I would be telling my family that the more you think about it the angrier you are at the fact that they did not support you and they were prepared for you to subsidise everyone’s meal (because it is theirs as well) simply because you have 3 children. And that rather than worry about what SF son thinks of them they should worry what is says they think about you and therefore your view of them

Then leave it to them

Not really the point, but why was DSF's Step daughter's family covering Step Father's meal rather than his son.....

So he also ducked out of his share of his Dad's meal...!!

This happened to me when i went out for a family members bday. There were 6 adults and my 4 year old. When the bill came they split the bill 7 ways. My daughter shared everything from my plate so in reality only thing on the bill that was heres was a small juice. They demanded i pay £30 odd for her. I refused to pay this amount and i was literally sworn and shouted at right in the middle of the restaurant. My stuff only came to £20 odd quid so to be asked for a combined total of over £60 i was like no way. I didnt mind paying something..but charging her a whole adults portion was unfair imo. The person didnt speak to me for a while but eventually came round. Still dont think i was wrong to refuse.

In my experience, it's always the person who spends the most who suggests splitting the bill when there's a big difference in what people have spent. If I've had more than others I always speak up and say that I need to pay more.....just common decency!

No you did the right thing- shockingly cheeky. I'd ignore the message and not even qualify it with a response.

Ignore it when they talk about it and or shrug your shoulders. You don't need their approval just your own.

YADNBU, however was it your attitude that ruined the occasion? Could you have taken this person aside to resolve the situation rather than argue across the table at each other? Not saying that’s what happened, it’s just the only reason I could see for people thinking you ruined the meal.

I do remember having this bill splitting nonsense on my own birthday once when I was pregnant. Still really rankles as they were ordering loads of pricey drinks.

Wait, why is your mother talking/complaining about you behind your back like this, even if she had it wrong and thought you were only being asked for £16 over the odds?
Why gossip to the aunt about it?

And why did your SF not say anything that she was mistaken and was badmouthing her daughter for the wrong reason and you were asked to pay £120 for three children's meals to compensate for a greedy ass man?

Honestly, this shit is why I really hate families at times.

I can remember going out for a meal with db, sil and their dd. My dd was only 4 months. He had 3 courses, including steak and liqueur coffee as well as numerous malt whiskys.His dd had her own meal. When bill came he handed over half, leaving us to pick up other half. Not happy but let it slide.
Fast forward 2 years and we went out again. By this time I had dd2, who was 15 months old. Db did usual ordering far more expensive than anyone else. His dd also had 3 courses (most of which was left, but she had to have what she wanted!! My dd1 had macaroni, which was shared by dd2 and a fruit shoot (dd2 had a bottle, bf, so no chargeable drink)
The bill came out and it was £318. Db said here’s £150 for ours. When I asked him why he was paying £150 he said it wasn’t fair to charge my dd2 for full share so he didn’t mind paying a bit more!
I left table and went to waiter, asking for bill to be split by family, and stated what we had had. Our bill came to £88, including drink. I paid that by card and gave him a nice tip. When he went back over to table with adjusted bill of £230, brother looked at it and asked if we had been overcharged on original bill (must have thought that was why I had spoken to waiter).
When I said that no, I had already paid for what my family had eaten and this was his bill, for his family, you could have cut the air with a knife. He protested loudly that this wasn’t fair, but I stood firm and said that he could protest as much as he liked, but I wasn’t paying any more. He continued to protest, at which his CF wife said that we were being mean and that they wouldn’t be coming out with the us again. I replied saying I did hope not and left.
Incidentally brother and sil are not far from being millionaires, maybe this meanness is part of reason why.

Playmytune wow some people are so fucking cheeky and rude I'm gobsmacked. And I wouldn't mind £150 wasn't even half the bill either

YANBU. You shouldn't be paying for other people's selfish and greedy behaviour. That will just encourage them to do it over and over again. Also there are always people who want to be nice peace makers, they have no right to point fingers at you. You are not wrong (the other person was).

Yes, that usually happens to me too dustarr where the price of my one Diet Coke is the same as a bottle of proscecco and 3 French martinis, said no one ever

A pint of coke in my pub is 15p less than a pint of beer. A J2O works out more expensive per oz than beer and about the same as a small glass of wine. So soft drinks are not necessarily cheaper than alcohol, and saying "But I didnt have any alcohol" doesnt always mean you should pay less, unless you really did only have squash or water.