A splitting the bill AIBU

[JamHolyMoly]

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

I didn't call YOU privileged. I said the post itself was privileged. And this whole thread is about a very expensive meal, not a trip to nandos or whatever. Your reply suggested the op could have just picked up the entire bill when she was already struggling (understandably) with an extra £100. Do you honestly not see how that could come across as privileged? Perhaps read the thread properly next time so you don't reply with something that isn't relevant to the situation if you don't want people to misunderstand you.

And I've also just noticed I've deleted 3 apps off my phone too, and I can't remember what they were!

YADNBU If I was there I would have done the same and backed you up totally. I actually HATE splitting bills at large meals as I don’t drink and only ever have 1 course. We have friends who have ordered £100 worth of wine drank it between the two of them then asked to split the bill. I told them to fuck right off and my DH was really embarrassed, but I didn’t care, I hate geeedy people who can’t pay their own way!! Good for you OP

You definitely were in the right OP, I hope it goes ok with your mum and it's just everyone else being ridiculous about it

I hate splitting the bill because I’ve been caught out a few times and once had a confrontation like your OP.

DH and I were both unemployed when we went out for a friend’s birthday, so we ordered the set menu at £12.95 each and drank water while the birthday girl and her DH had 3 course meals off the main menu and bottles of wine and most others just had a main, so everyone was having different amounts and a split was suggested at £25 each. I spoke up to say ours was only £26 between us because we’d had the set menu and birthday girl said something along the lines of ‘we’re not doing that, it’s £25 each’ I was astounded, we we’re both unemployed and she knew that so there was no way we were paying double to subsidise her. I just went to the bar and paid ours on my card and told them to send a new bill over to her.

Now when I go out with a group I keep track of what I’ve ordered and make sure it’s on par with what everyone else is ordering so at least I don’t feel annoyed by being out of pocket.

YANBU!!! It's always annoying when one person orders loads more expensive items and then expects it to be split, but I wouldn't have said anything in that situation.

HOWEVER the children's meals, of course not!!! Everyone with children should have paid £8 x however many children they had (so like you said, £24 for you and DH). Then the leftover ADULT FOOD AND DRINK bill is split evenly between all adults present. Counting £8 kids' meals in the head count is madness.

DH and I were both unemployed when we went out for a friend’s birthday, so we ordered the set menu at £12.95 each and drank water while the birthday girl and her DH had 3 course meals off the main menu and bottles of wine

This is why even splitting is so very unfair. The people who haven't spent very much may have deliberately chosen the cheaper things on the menu and restricted courses/drinks in order to necessarily save money.

They may have worked out that they can afford to eat out if they stick to a budget and do so, only to have other people expecting them to pay for food and drink that they haven't even been able to enjoy themselves.

And no, they shouldn't 'not go out' if they can't afford to go for multiple courses and multiple drinks. Some people never have that budget, should they never go out? And some people don't drink alcohol, eat meat and fish, which is usually more expensive, or have big appetites, so won't ever order multiple courses or choose the more expensive options.

I hate the assumption that if you prefer not to subsidise others'food and drink, you are tight.
For this reason I hardly ever go to work meals etc as I order what I can afford to pay for and hate it when other people order a meal that is a lot more expensive as well as lists of cocktails etc and then ecpe t me to help pay for it. We went out at Christmas , specifically chose a restaurant that was fixed price menu. I had one soft drink. It was a lovely evening up to the point where the bill arrived and then I was told we were splitting the bill and my share would be £X - approximately £20 more than the total cost of my food and drink. I did say I felt £20 for a coke, which was listed at £1.75 on the menu seemed a bit steep and luckily others agreed with me, but I felt awkward and won't be going out with them again.
OP, you were NOT U at all. It sometimes seems as though the minute someone thinks a bill is being split, that is their cue to order the most expensive items they possibly can, knowing they will be subsidised by their fellow diners.

It is always, always the cheeky fuckers who have ordered either more courses or lots more alcohol that suggest splitting bills evenly.

If you've all had roughly the same split. Otherwise, pay your own way. Once at a big social - only at a curry house - 24 people and noted heavy drinker and big eater was first to say "we'll split the bill" but I knew there were two people there who'd only had soft drinks and a plate of chips because they were badly off. I could see they were worried but weren't going to say anything so I piped up "no, everyone's paying for their own". Cue evil face from the original proposer but relieved and smiling faces from everyone else.

Last year was out with usual 8 close friends for my birthday. Went for a meal. I only had two course and one glass of wine and a couple of soft drinks. Three other friends the same. The other four had three courses and somehow finished off three bottles of rather expensive wine between them in the space of 90 minutes. They of course, wished to split the bill. Suffice to say we didn't.

I recently went out with groups of family, despite trying to get agreement prior to the day we hadn't agreed how the bill would be split. In the end the waitress came over suggested she give each family group their own bill and a number; it was painless! Surely restaurant see this all the time!!!!

“Birthday Man is CF's dad.....the onus was on CF to behave appropriately at this occasion. “

I do agree with this, and when it is my job (shudder) to broach dividing the bill I always suggest the way that favours the other people round the table rather than me, for fear of looking unfair.

My parents had a rule: if as kids we were sharing something like a cake, one person did the cutting and the other person got to choose their slice first!

DH and I were both unemployed when we went out for a friend’s birthday

I have to say, in this situation, you are on much shakier ground - if you really are hard up, it is quite a bad idea to attend this kind of thing in the first place.

Its not unreasonable to expect to pay your share, plus your share of the birthday boy/girl's (whatever they might choose to have)

If you can't afford to pay the additional £20 or so to do this, then probably better to decline the invitation altogether.

OP's situation is different - she is being expected to pay £100 extra to subsidise somebody other than the birthday guest, that changes things quite significantly.

Yanbu at all.
I’m flabbergasted at people complaining to you after the event though. I can understand them not wanting to get involved at the time (no-one likes confrontation) but actually telling you off afterwards is appalling.

@GreenHouseKeeping don’t be so ridiculous, if it was your birthday and you had a good job would you really expect your unemployed friends to chip in for your meal? I’d be ashamed to.

We also went to a wedding while we were unemployed and only gave a modestly priced gift but perhaps you think we should have missed our friends getting married and stayed at home eating gruel and water to punish ourselves for the crime of being unemployed

It's so hard all this table etiquette I absolutely hate going out for meal and people sitting there with a calculator is working out exactly what everyone is due but then things should be fair as well

@GreenHouseKeeping don’t be so ridiculous, if it was your birthday and you had a good job would you really expect your unemployed friends to chip in for your meal? I’d be ashamed to

Everyone's different I guess...I'd be ashamed to go to a birthday gathering/wedding and already be aware that I was unable to cover my plate (and hence would have to be subsidised by others)

If it were a good friend or relative, and they had offered to cover me beforehand then I may feel differently. In the situation the pp describes, the birthday girl doesn't sound like the type, so yes I would just have declined.

Its not unreasonable to expect to pay your share, plus your share of the birthday boy/girl's (whatever they might choose to have)

@GreenHouseKeeping I have gone out for meals on most of my birthdays or nearest weekend with assorted groups of friends for the last 25 years or so. Never once have I expected anyone else to pay for my meal. Nor has anyone ever suggested they do so, separately or collectively.

@GreenHouseKeeping I have gone out for meals on most of my birthdays or nearest weekend with assorted groups of friends for the last 25 years or so. Never once have I expected anyone else to pay for my meal. Nor has anyone ever suggested they do so, separately or collectively

In 25 years, not one of your friends has ever even suggested covering your meal on your birthday??

You either
a) Exaggerate for effect or
b) Need new friends

I don't think it's the norm for the guests to pay for the birthday persons meal either.

I'd be ashamed to go to a birthday gathering/wedding and already be aware that I was unable to cover my plate (and hence would have to be subsidised by others)

For weddings, where no money is exchanged for the meal on the day, there is no obligation on the guests to cover their plate. The bride and groom have invited their guests to share their celebration and have laid on appropriate hospitality. Nothing is expected in return, despite what many on here seem to think.

For meals out in restaurants, the only people who are not covering their plate when the bill is split are those who have consumed more than what their share works out at. If they have £50 worth of food and drink, it is shameful to expect to only pay, say £30 for that food and drink, especially when the direct consequence is that someone who had £15 of food and drink is also landed with a £30 bill.

Equal sharing is only fair when you have:

People with approximately equal budgets
People who consume approximately the same value of food and drink
Consistent groups of people who eat out together.

ie, a situation that will almost never occur.

@GreenHousekeeping, you appear to move in more rarified circles than most of us.

The worst case of this I ever saw was decades ago when a huge group of us went for a curry from work. Lots of very highly paid people offering loads of side dishes and bottles of wine arriving constantly. The office junior was opposite me, she ordered a veggie curry and a coke, I saw her face when someone inevitably suggested splitting the bill. She turned green.

I volunteered to work it out and split it by 23 not 24 and told her to put in what she'd actually had. Nobody else noticed.

In 25 years, not one of your friends has ever even suggested covering your meal on your birthday?

No. On my 40th, I organised a party and invited a lot of friends and some of them insisted I was not to buy a drink all night and my glass was kept continually topped up with prosecco all night and then at a bar afterwards until 3 am all cocktails and other drinks were bought for me.

I have two main groups of friends. We always go out on each other's birthdays and never has it been suggested we all chip in each time for the birthday person. We all pay our own way (with the exception of big birthdays when we might do the above with drinks). No one has ever thought it odd or suggested otherwise. We buy presents and have a meal out at the venue suggested by whoever is celebrating.

I don't think I have shit friends.

If they have £50 worth of food and drink, it is shameful to expect to only pay, say £30 for that food and drink, especially when the direct consequence is that someone who had £15 of food and drink is also landed with a £30 bill.

I guess I see this as being within the context of the 'Long Game' of friendship. This time, I may subsidise someone else, next time, they may subsidise me. It's about give and take and thinking the best of your friends, that is to say, assuming that a favour (subsidy) given today will most likely be 'repaid' in the future.

The OP's situation if a bit different for reasons I've already outlined but in general, being kind and generous will always be the better outcome in the long term.

Really annoys me when this happens, my auntie if we splitting the bill always orders loads of stuff, drinks etc. When she's paying for her own meal amazingly she has the cheaper stuff and just a drink.

I am usually very much a splitter among friends who are of a similar financial situation (with adjustments for obvious discrepancies etc) but the OP’s scenario is ridiculous. I opened the thread expecting to say not to be so tight but wow, just wow!