A splitting the bill AIBU

[JamHolyMoly]

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

This is surprisingly common, not just when it’s kids meals involved.

I can’t eat full sized meals and don’t drink (not by choice!) so generally have two small starters or a starter and a pudding, and a soft drink. A colleague always has the full Monty, starter, exoensive main,sides,pud,coffee,bottle of wine to themselves plus beers. They never offer to put in any extra, and I’ve sometimes paid double the cost of my meal. I’m not a skinflint but object to subsidising their greedy ways, especially as they are always pleading poverty but actually earn the most!

I now avoid going out with them, or make an excuse to leave early and put my money in, made up by a reasonable amount (the last time my part of the bill was just £18 so I put in £25).

My husband and I once paid £40 extra on a couples night out when a friend that did the same thing.

I tend to drink more than my friends, so will always take my alcohol off before splitting the bill - it means I generally pay a bit more as we usually end up splitting all the coffees etc (which I don't have) but I'd rather it was that way round!!!

In future get a separate bill for yourselves so the CF can't take advantage.

What horrid CF step brother you have!!!

I can't believe others have voiced how you should have paid £40 each for he DC to keep the peace, sure as Hell they wouldn't have done

This takes me back to a truly embarrassing meal a few years ago. I was unemployed and utterly destitute but didn’t want to miss out on celebrating my friend’s 30th birthday. DM kindly gave me £15 so I checked the menu online and figured that would buy me pasta and ice cream plus a glass of tap water and a quid left over for a tip.

Unfortunately there were a couple of CFs (who I didn’t even know) who ordered bottles of wine, steaks, liqueurs and coffees, then wanted to split the bill equally at a cost of about £40 a head. I simply didn’t have the money. So I had to hand over my £15 and whisper that was all I had.

The CF handling the bill got really annoyed and loudly said I shouldn’t have come out if I couldn’t afford my share! I said I can afford to pay for what I ordered. Someone offered to lend me the extra £25 so I could pay “my share” and I said no because I’m not able to pay you back. CF then loudly said we all have to pay an extra £2.50 because Tortoise came out with no money! So everyone was grumbling and criticising me and I was in tears. I don’t know what happened because I left.

Now if I go for a group meal I make sure I’ve got cash and I order the most expensive items. Worst case scenario I end up just paying for what I’ve had.

That has to be the most amazingly privileged post from Gone4Good. The idea that you would just pick up a bill of around £600 rather than 'do maths'. That's a different world to most people, never mind a different country...

If anyone tries to blame you, point out that no it was CF that made a huge scene not you! Ask them if they would ask someone to subsidise that to extent??

It doesn't matter how much money you've got, decent people make sure no one is massively disadvantaged by what other people have consumed, be it expensive food, multiple courses extra or alcohol.

We split the bill with friends and family and no one keeps count of the odd few quid here and there, but equally we all treat people fairly.

I hope you can sort things out with family OP if needs be I'd say something like I'm sorry the CF embarrassed you. If anyone kicked off you really should turn it back on them asking in what universe is it right to expect the person who's ordered so much to be subsidised by small children. I'm angry on your behalf.

Tortoise
They were just plain mean.
Kinda glad our lot paid for what we have.
Hope you're got better friends now.

TortoiseLettuce your post is so sad

I hope karma bites those greedy bastards on the bum before much longer

Tortoise that's awful, I feel so bad for you! Some people are horrible.

YANBU. I have been bitten many times by paying more than my share. I normally drive so no alcohol, and my tastes tend to be quite cheap compared to the lobster and cavier eaters. I am not shy in being vocal about splitting it, figured out that those who insist its fair benefit from that!

I love it when a thread is unanimous in favour of the OP.

I would say you've put the matter to an impartial audience - it's come back 100% in favour of you, email them this thread, and then name-change.

Oh, and willing to bet my last $£€ that @Gone4Good is Irish!!

Absolutely definitely you are not being in reasonable! Outrageous that you are being made out to be tight. But for those saying that the kids costs should be absorbed - I unfortunately don't have kids and am never likely to - if I had a 24 quid bottle of wine to myself that I expected everyone to absorb I would be a CF, but if I had 3 kids (Not you OP, you made it clear you wanted to pay what your kids had) then all adults should just suck it up? Over a lifetime if you're the childless adult you end up paying for a lot of others people kids.

OK it might not be the height of sophisticated dining, but this is where places like Nando’s come into their own. Go up and pay for your own food before the meal. Saves all the hassle.

YANBU!!!

@TortoiseLettuce that's horrendous! What a bunch of dickheads. Thays why I never ever suggest splitting the bill at anything I go to or arrange.

I’m impressed with you bits ALWAYS the cheeky (or stupid) folks who want to freeload or don’t notice price or can’t add up who suggest such shite.
I’m furious for you.

Lord, OP. You are so NBU. Gut and wallet buster is a total CF and so is anyone who tells you different.

I agree with everyone else - YADNBU.

some people saying ask for a sperate bill at the start-u got alot of staff not willing to do it its more work for them or they somply dont kow how to do it on the system

im quite capable of adding up my own food some people seem to think its petty but if theres such a difference in price like ops meal why shold anyone pay 80 more for something that someone else had

£120 for 3 kids meals. That's hilarious. Screw spoiling the "mood". The mood of what? Gross cheeky fuckery?

Fucking hell, I don’t know what angers me more-the CF wanting your £120 or the fact your family are now on your case about it! I’d be livid! Your kids could have a Michelin starred meal for that, it just beggars belief that anyone would think this is reasonable!

YANBU. When we go out with BIL and SIL we split the bill evenly between the adults and all pay a share for their two kids! Otherwise going out is more expensive for them than the rest of us.

You were so clearly in the right here - amazing CFery on his part!!!

I'm a maths person and not totally dishonest so tend to get elected to divvy up complex bills when there's a family/friends meal with lots of adults and kids around.

My rules:

• Account for food and booze separately
• Food is split with 1 share per kid, 2 shares per adult
• Booze is split with 1 share per adult
• If someone else has had a notably more expensive dish than everyone else, they chuck in something for the difference

The simple version is just "adults pay twice what kids pay". That's an overestimate of what you owed. You would have ended up paying £115 on that basis assuming the total bill was around £600 (I'm assuming £600 because they charged you £40 each and there were 15 people there). And the other adjustments would make it less than £115, which is the absolute maximum that there's any sane argument for.

A truly fair bill for you would be a little over £100. So step brother was asking you to pay around twice what you actually owed. And it sounds like he is used to this kind of freeloading given he went for the pricey meal!

You were absolutely right to balk at this, and to challenge him. And it sounds like your step brother knows exactly what he's doing. You're right to want to avoid dinner with him in the future - but if you can't do so in the future, personally I would just make it clear up front you'll take your immediate family bill separately.