A splitting the bill AIBU

[JamHolyMoly]

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

Is this how it is normally done in the UK - splitting the bill?

When we have meals with family there's always a small tussle to grab the bill, when it's placed on the table, to pay for the whole lot. Bill splitting is bound to cause problems and who wants to do maths after a lovely dinner.

Firstly, it's not just people in the UK - it's the case for lots of people in many countries who are able to budget for modest meals and drinks at restaurants for themselves (and their children if applicable) but genuinely cannot afford to sub an uncontrolled splurge for another person/family/group.

Secondly, it's nice to be kind and treat everybody if you have the means to do so, but many, many people just don't have the available funds to pay for maybe 15-20 meals in one go. Most people would love not to have to spoil a lovely experience by 'doing maths' when a bill has been/is about to be incurred, but it isn't just an abstract maths concept - the maths directly correlates to an amount of money, which not everybody has unlimited supplies of.

Thirdly, even if you do have the means to pay for everybody, are you sure that everybody is clamouring to pay the whole bill? Would you be happy to regularly eat out with a group of, say, 10 adults, where 8 of them would always clamour to treat everybody every time and the other 2 would stay silent or disappear to the toilet just when the bill came, every time?

There are a lot of CFs in the world, shame you seem to be related to yours, OP.

Years ago, when meeting up with old friends at a very expensive hotel, it was suggested that everyone chucked £10 into the kitty to buy drinks. I had a bottle of sparkling water, everyone else was drinking alcohol. The money was gone after one round, so it was suggested that another £20 each was added to the kitty. They were very unhappy at how unimpressed I was, and I was accused of sour grapes. It made me view my "friends" very differently after that.

I never split for this reason and the fact I don't drink. We just always have seperate tabs and pay for exactly what we had. We all are happy to do this and no one is expected to cover anyone else's alcohol consumption.

The way family get so petty after something like this makes me cling to my idea of living in the middle of nowhere in a simple home, with animals and land with my immediate family and keeping myself to myself!

I can absolutely imagine the awkwardness at the end of the meal put a dampener on the evening.

That said, the fault for that lies entirely with SF's son for suggesting such an unreasonable division.

If I could afford it I would probably have just paid up to avoid spoiling the night, but that's a huge amount of money for many people and it would piss me off that he was effectively expecting his choices to be subsidised.

I would reply fairly breezily but firmly laying the blame with CF son eg "Yes, it was such a shame that CF's behaviour over the bill put a bit of a dampener on things at the end. Next time I'll be sure to take charge of dividing up the bill myself to avoid any awkwardness . He doesn't seem to realise how much cheaper the kids food is when they're not having cocktails and steak!"

I will never understand how people go out for a meal with ‘friends’ or ‘family’ with the intention from the outset of getting other people to pay for them

This is exactly how the CFs thrive - it's their calculated modus operandi. People like you, and me, and most people wouldn't have this on their radar as a possibility, so when somebody is brazen enough to pull it, they know that they'll likely get away with it unsuspected, or at least unchallenged.

Any Father Ted fans might remember the 'Kicking Bishop Brennan Up The Arse' episode. Not that BB was exactly the most virtuous of people himself, but it was such an outrageous trick for anybody to consider trying, in spite of the clear evidence, he simply couldn't countenance that it might have happened.

YANBU! And tbh, if your SF has a habit of doing this, I'd say beforehand that we'd like to split the bill according to what we eat: 'You have a habit of eating lobster and drinking fine wine, Bill, and we can't afford to pay for your meal again! So we'll just pay for our own.'

I can't believe your family are being arsey. More fool them.

Haven't RTFT but you're definitely not being unreasonable. We were out for a big family meal recently and when the bill came someone said it's £30 a head. But then we agreed to just take the kids meals off first and split the rest. Insane to ask you to pay that much for children's meals. I wouldn't be going out with them again either.

all the kids meals should have been sperated and then split-if everyone had roughly the same i dont mind splitting but this wasn the case

YANBU yours was the perfect solution. 40 quid for a kids meal and water. No

£120 for kids meals which should have cost a total of £24??? Who can afford to pay that? That's about 500% of the original cost.To be honest ...with 11 adults there it wouldn't have been unreasonable for the adults to pick up the price of the kids meals between them unless there were a lot of kids.

I can't believe anyone would expect parents to come to a family event and pay this. For a lot of parents it would effect the family budget for weeks to come. It is disgusting that no-one supported you op.

on the other hand itsd embarrasing when a certain personi know quibbles over the extact amoutn theyve had even if its a few pence

A normal family would not treat the children's meal equal to the adult's meal in splitting the bill. Also, I'm shocked no-one stood up for you. I would have been the first to say to the CF that it wasn't fair on you for splitting it like that.

We pay the whole bill when we go out with immediate family but not in huge groups some of whom are just acquaintances! I like it in Germany where they automatically divide the bill up into family groups so you don't have to fund CFers like this guy.

In terms of kids meals if we're straight up splitting it kids aren't included but people who have kids or people who have had especially expensive meals offer to pay the tip or put in a bit extra.

Not that you need further confirmation, but YADNBU!

Yes more acceptable for 11 adults to absorb the kids meal than bump up the kids meals to £40 and then make OP pay for 3 of them. I can’t believe nobody else spoke up and said how ridiculous this was.

There was a golden moment on a previous CF thread, where two of them had become friends and swiftly realised that it doesn't work to 'forget your wallet' every time if the other person always does the same!

I'd love to be a sideline observer of a group of newly-acquainted CFs eating out together, all determined to get top 'value' by being heavily subbed by the others, continually upping the ante, ordering more expensive items and ending up with an astronomical, but fair, bill each - and then coughing and spluttering when they actually end up being forced to pay in full for THEIR OWN excessive consumption!

What a cf !!
If you go for a meal and you all agree to split equally, I definitely wouldn't include children's meals . If someone was unhappy I'd just say pay for what you've had . They were being unreasonable, like others have said it's because they had to pay more .
I think if someone orders a lot more than the majority they should pay more .
If I go out with my family we split the bill usually as I'm paying for 4 of us I can't be bothered to add up what we've had so say if it was £60 but I had to pay £80 I wouldn't mind so much but not £40 for each child .
Don't feel bad he's a cf and you did right I can't believe someone didn't say ok that's fine it really was the simplest solution. It's not as if you wanted the bill itemised you just didn't want the kids meals included.

He’s done the equivalent of saying, “ok all this shopping cost £38, but I’m going to charge £120. Ok?”

No! No one would stand for that so why are they saying that children’s meals should be paid more than they cost

What a twat your stepbrother is. And the rest of your family are spineless idiots. Did they go to school or just failed maths? You did the right thing.

Definitely not on to expect you to pay that much for kids meals. The solution was clearly to take off the kids meals before splitting the bill but even then the CF would have been a bit unreasonable in my opinion.

He won’t suggest the adults cover the costs of the kids meals at less than £3 a head but he expects the rest of the table to subsidise his more expensive meal and drinks!

Typical victim blaming. Your step brother is so in the wrong. Who is telling him he shouldn't have done that and he ruined the occasion? Who's telling him he was unfair? By the sounds of it no-one stands up to him. Which is why they're not backing you up. And it's completely unjustified.

YANBU, their approach to splitting the bill and their attitude after is awful.

Having said that, I would personally be peeved if I went to a meal where I was expected to pay for the kids meals. (Like some posters have suggested.) I don't think this is any different to a teetotaler not wanting to pay for my wine. (Which I totally understand too!)

I think the way that you suggested doing it was perfectly fine.

£120 would feed your children fresh food for a week!! I would of laughed and said 'fuck of mate'

I would have cried if you were me and I was told to pay £120 for my 3 kids meals i would be stunned and so upset