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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have had a good time?

136 replies

blindsighted · 12/02/2019 11:32

Third trimester of a really difficult (much wanted) pregnancy. Myself and DP have been going through a rough time, mainly because he still expects me to be the same person I was prior to the pregnancy despite having HG, anemia and SPD. I haven't been particularly moody or anything, just tired and struggling - I haven't been able to do anything (still cleaning and cooking just too tired and sore to be going out a lot) and basically the only person I've seen the entire pregnancy is him (hard to go out when either puking or in pain to walk). He has NO interest in spending time with me and sends me upstairs each evening so he can play his games on the tele. So I am incredibly lonely to be honest. I have lovely family and friends but tbh I'm embarrassed to invite them over because he will just sit in the front room with us and play his games, it's really awkward.

Recently, I've been signed off work with anxiety and SPD and my friend who lives in another city called to say she's coming to see me because she can tell I'm struggling. Absolutely lovely of her, right?

So i told DP about it, he wasn't happy. I explained we were going to go to the pub for a cheap pub dinner and that the purpose of her coming was to get me out of my rut (that he's been moaning at me for being in - but unwilling to help me). Anyway, I got really upset because I said I couldn't see what his issue was, he's always moaning at me for wanting his company so why wasn't he happy about this. And eventually he said to go and have fun, but not to be too long(weird?).

I went, and had a lovely meal and the most lovely time talking everything out and just remembering that I'm a human being myself not just someone who is sick a lot lol, and after about 3 hours I came home, really happy. I walked in the house and specifically remember saying "hi babe" with a smile on my face. He went APE. I was so taken aback, I thought he'd be happy to see me so calm and happy.

Told me he thinks it's really selfish of me that I had a good time with my friend and that I'm spiteful for giving her the good side of me whilst he gets the "miserable bitch who does nothing but nag".

He went on with his rant and admitted he hoped I wouldn't have a good time. This was a few days ago, but I can't get it out of my head. Surely that's the cruelest thing? I have TRIED so hard to spend time with him, tried to get into his tv programmes, tried to get into his game, even bought tickets to events he likes - I had no appreciation and more importantly was just told to stop being annoying and go to bed. So now I'm actually doing my own thing, as I was told to, and it's still wrong???? I feel like this is a bit of a control issue, does he want me to just sit in bed and not speak to anyone?

I've recently started counselling as he's convinced I've got depression, but she actually thinks I'm quite healthy minded despite my anxiety and has suggested that perhaps he could do with coming along.

I'm really worried that he's being a bit abusive.... or is he right? Am I just needy???

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 12/02/2019 11:37

He is a nasty bastard. I know it’s hard because you’re pregnant, but you have to leave him. What is your housing situation?

Shoxfordian · 12/02/2019 11:40

He's abusive and he doesn't love you
Can you leave him?

LilaJude · 12/02/2019 11:42

He’s abusive OP. Pregnancy is a trigger for abuse for a lot of men - it’s a known catalyst. I know it’s incredibly difficult but you have to think about how to get away from this relationship.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 12/02/2019 11:43

You have a nasty shitty abusive boyfriend. Not depression.

SummerInSun · 12/02/2019 11:46

I've never posted this before, but you have to the out of this relationship now. If he won't even support you through a difficult pregnancy, what use will he be when you have a baby? If he's jealous of you having fun with a friend for three hours, how jealous will he be when the new baby gets most of your time and attention? And is that how you want your son/daughter to hear you being treated?

Of course you weren't unreasonable to have had a lovely time. Why hasn't your husband similarly been suggesting low key ways to relax and spend time together if that's what he wants? When I had a high risk pregnancy and needed to limit walking around, my husband would drive me to our favourite local restaurant, drop me off, drive the car back home to park it, walk back to the restaurant and then we'd have dinner, then he'd do the same in reverse to get me home.

MrsJane · 12/02/2019 13:21

He's sounds bloody awful.

He should be your support, your rock and there for you watching YOUR programs, rubbing your feet and back and fetching anything you might need. That's what loving men do when their partners are pregnant, never might with such a problematic pregnancy like yours!

What's he going to be like when you're in labour? When you're recovering post partum? When the baby is up all night and you're exhausted??

Very worrying behaviour OP. Sad

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/02/2019 13:25

Of course it’s abusive and it will only get worse.

Hadalifeonce · 12/02/2019 13:30

Perhaps joint counselling will help. It can be very easy to have something going on in your head which colours every thought you have, possibly before the other person has finished speaking, which means one hasn't actually really heard the other person properly. Try to encourage him to go to counselling, it may give you the neutral space to have a proper conversation.

Original poster
blindsighted · 12/02/2019 19:32

Thank you all.

@SummerInSun your OH sounds lovely. And to be honest, id like to think that's what I'd do for my partner if he was struggling in any way. It's as if he sees me as a pain, something extra for him to worry about. And yet I'm still here paying half towards the house, doing all of the cleaning and cooking, not asking for a thing. And on the rare occasion I want to go out, I always ask him if he'd like to do something with me and it's a no.

He can't stand my company but doesn't want me out of the house. It doesn't make any sense and it honestly makes me feel worthless. It's hard enough being pregnant and obviously appearancewise I don't feel great which I can handle, but now he's got me questioning my personality.

OP posts:
thebear1 · 12/02/2019 19:37

He sounds horrible op, I don't imagine the pressure of a newborn is going to make the relationship better. Perhaps it's time to leave?

NeatFreakMama · 12/02/2019 20:36

I'm so sorry, this sounds awful for you. No advise really but just wanted to say I feel for you, horribly unfair situation.

Movingtoplanetclanger · 12/02/2019 20:51

Oh dear, what an awful way to live, it’s no wonder you have anxiety. He should be taking care of you, I can’t believe you’re doing all the cooking and cleaning when you’re so unwell. It doesn’t sound like anything you do pleases him, and that is not your fault.

Have you told him what the therapist said? I would take her advice and bring him along if you can. If not have a good think about whether you’re life would be better with or without this man.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/02/2019 21:00

He sounds controlling and frankly quite cruel. I know it must be terrible to be questioning the future of your relationship this close to the birth of your child, but do you really want that child to grow up in a home where you’re banished upstairs and yelled at because you dare to have a nice lunch?

He was angry about your lunch because he doesn’t want you to spend time with someone who genuinely cares, and then see that his attitude isn’t normal.

Renster · 12/02/2019 21:05

This sends up every red flag known to humankind. This is abuse, he’s wearing you down, wants you to rely on him and be his puppet. How long have you been together? Was he like this before you got pregnant?

CreativeMumma · 13/02/2019 13:59

Run for the hills.

Original poster
blindsighted · 13/02/2019 14:39

He's came home from work for a couple of hours, and completely took over the house to play his game and I stayed downstairs because I am so fed up of looking at the same 4 walls upstairs. And he went crazy at me for looking bored. Unfortunately I can't particularly do much else I did the shopping and cleaning this morning and he smashed the bedroom tv last week in a rage so I literally either sit and watch him play his game or lie in bed upstairs- which might sound ok but it's every day and night. I made him some lunch and put the washing out and he shouted at me for walking past the tele (to get to the radiator) and didn't even say thanks for his food.

I'm upstairs now because I can't stand to be around him, lord knows why or how he's being so cruel to me. I was watching something when he came back but I know he doesn't like it so I turned it off with the intention of putting something we could both watch on. I just can't grasp his attitude whatsoever.

I can hear him swearing at the game and getting angry at it and it's making me feel hatred, I know that sounds bad but it really is. He knows I'm in agony and really worried I'm going into early labour because I'm getting strong braxton hicks (FTM, admittedly very anxious so probably being a drama queen). I don't even care that it's Valentine's Day tomorrow, I bought him a card this morning and honestly, I don't think. I can bring myself to write in it. I wouldn't mean any of it.

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 13/02/2019 14:44

Is there somewhere you can go op? Your parents? He is abusive. And by the sounds of your last post violent.

Original poster
blindsighted · 13/02/2019 14:52

Yeah I can leave, he's never been violent towards me but recently he's been starting to break things around the house in temper and, again, don't mean to sound dramatic but I can now imagine the person I once thought would never hurt me, hurting me.

I just can't do anything right no matter how hard I try. And I really do try. Every day I think, today might be the day he comes back and he's himself again. But instead he just gets worse.

I do wonder if it's a gaming addiction, his mood varies so much on how he's playing and if he can't play he gets so angry. I need him more than ever right now, and he's just not interested. He just sees me as a cleaner, personal assistant and bank account. I don't understand how we've gotten here I really don't. And how have I let him get away with it for so long? I thought I was quite a strong woman, I'm so confused and angry at myself.

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 13/02/2019 14:56

Oh op your posts have really scared me on your behalf, inexplicably abuse can start in pregnancy and it will escalate...often women are too surprised by the change in behavior to take action, as well as feeling ill.
Google it and read up.....

You must know this is NOT normal loving behavior, there are no reasons for this, he is trying to make it all you and you have done NOTHING wrong. He is undermining you and making you feel you are wrong, don't let him.

I had horrible pregnancies, sick all the way through and was truly miserable to live with...my DH never called me names, complained or undermined me.
I know this is terribly shocking to realise but can you go somewhere safe, leave and go and stay with family or friends?

I don't think you are safe, so sorry op.

youwouldthink · 13/02/2019 14:58

You really really need to get out of there. That's not normal behaviour.
If this was the friend you had dinner with going through the same what would your advice be? X

Graphista · 13/02/2019 14:59

This is the real him, the person before was the fake!

You really need to leave but please do so safely, do it when he's out and don't give him any warning - that's for your safety I'm saying that.

He's a violent (just because he's not touching you yet the smashing things up is violence - note also it's "your" stuff he's smashing up never "his") abusive man who doesn't care for you or the child.

You're wasting your time acting as if that's not the case

SherlockSays · 13/02/2019 15:07

Please leave.

From someone who has a 7 month old baby and clearly remembers how HARD having a newborn is, you need to leave. Can you imagine what he's going to be like with a crying baby interrupting his game and getting no sleep?

Think of yourself, you need all the strength you have for what comes next. Go to wherever you have support and stay there.

He's a nasty, abusive piece of shit and you deserve better, as does your baby.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 13/02/2019 15:11

He’s a nasty and cruel bastard op!

Get out now and leave him to his gaming! He’ll be even worse when the dc comes along I’m afraid

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 13/02/2019 15:20

I servo every other poster, get out now, inform your midwife, and for the love of fuck don't put him on the birth certificate!

Guineapiglet345 · 13/02/2019 15:27

I think you need to leave before it escalates, I know it’s tough because no one wants to leave a relationship when they’re heavily pregnant but his behaviour is not acceptable, have you got friends or family you can go to?

FWIW I had a similar pregnancy to you, didn’t leave the house for 9 months, puking and in pain every day. My DH couldn’t have done more to help me, went out and got me books and dvds to watch without me asking, went and got me food I wanted at awkwards times, did all of the house work whilst working full time, and that is what a supportive partner would do, not being moody and sending you to your room.

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